INT - secret laboratory

STRYKER
Wakey wakey! I've attached a little gadget to your head - attempt to use your telepathy, and you'll download the reviews for every odd-numbered Trek film and Nemesis directly into your cerebral cortex. Now, pay attention to my exposition. I'm making a Korean knock off of your Cerebro room, and intend to use you to KILL EVERY MUTANT ON THE PLANET!

XAVIER
Someone's insecure about their small dick, aren't they?

STRYKER
Shut up! Now I'll leave you alone with my mind controlling son! Notice the irony of my having a mutant for a son coupled with my irrational hatred ...

The DOOR SLAMS

XAVIER
Okay ... I taught this kid ... I can resist for a while, pretend to be taken over ... and once they remove this thing from my head, I can make every person in a mile radius my bitch ...

SRYAN SINGER
Er, sorry ... you get taken over, then used to kill every mutant on the planet.

XAVIER
What? I'm the world's most powerful telepath! Does that mean I have to bend over and take it from this comatose Mastermind knock-off? I'm a trained Shakespearian actor for Christ's sake!

INT - Bar

A totally HOT BLONDE hits on the REDNECK GUARD - telling the audience SOMETHING IS HORRIBLY WRONG. All is revealed when MYSTIQUE knocks him out and INJECTS him with liquid metal.

INT - Iceman's home

ICEMAN: Mom, Dad ... I'm not really a honor roll student at an exclusive school for geniuses ... I'm a mutant.

ICEMAN'S DAD: Then what the hell are we shelling out forty grand a year for?

ICEMAN'S MOM: Son ... have you tried ... not being a mutant?

ICEMAN: Why the hell would I do that? All leather uniform ... cool 'outsider yet powerful' status ... recuring mini-series ...

ICEMAN'S BROTHER: This sucks! I want my own inconsistent series! I'm calling the cops!

PYRO: I'm a living flamethrower, his brother can freeze dry him, and his girlfriend's a virtual vampire ... does he want to die?

ICEMAN's DAD: I dropped him a lot when he was a baby ... I was going through my Harlem Globetrotters phase ...

INT - Magneto's Cell

GUARD: Ready to get something into you?

MAGNETO: I think I'll get something out of you ...

The GUARD rises into the air, and the BLOOD IS RIPPED FROM his body. MAGNETO then starts carving up the assorted guards.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO'VE SEEN THE FIRST FILM
Hang on ... since when does he need metal to fly?

MAGNETO
No I didn't!

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO'VE SEEN THE FIRST FILM
Yes! you clearly flew in the first one!

MAGNETO
Er ... look! Pyro's going to do something!

EXT - Iceman's house

Police STORM the house, knocking out WOLVERINE with a single bullet.

PYRO
Okay! My turn to do something cool!

He starts setting fire to things ... because it's his thing.

ROGUE
Hey! I get to do something too!

ROGUE steals his power and turns off the fires. JEAN and STORM arrive and pick up the four mutants, and are challenged by FIGHTER JETS

STORM
Er ... guess that painting the Iraqi flag on the side wasn't such a good idea, hey fellas? Don't worry, I'll fix it!

STORM creates several tornadoes at once in a small area, downing the fighter planes, but is still hit by a missile. However, they head straight towards where MAGNETO and MYSTIQUE are walking.

EXT - Clearing

MAGNETO
Stryker has developed a version of Cerebro that will pinpoint every mutant on Earth ... then download Halle Berry's 'Do you know what a toad ...' line AND her Oscar acceptance speech on an infinite loop simaltaneously into their brains. It'll keep going until their lower colon leaps up their abdomen and throttles the brain in a mercy killing.

EVERYONE SHUDDERS

WOLVERINE
Er ... is there a change of pants in the jet? There are some things a healing factor just can't deal with.

STORM
Whatever. Let's get a good night's sleep before attacking the secret base, okay?

WOLVERINE
Hey Jean ... chances are the love of your life is buried somewhere in Jersey, whaddya say?

JEAN
What a romantic.

WOLVERINE
C'mon ... I'm ruff, tough, and the old Healing Factor(TM) means I can go all night.

JEAN
That's hardly .. all night?

WOLVERINE
Every night.

JEAN
Ah ... er ... no! I have to stay true to ... you know, the guy with the red glasses.

MYSTIQUE
Excuse me ... all night?

WOLVERINE
Hmm ... might be interesting ... could cement my bad boy characteristic ...

MYSTIQUE transforms into JEAN, STORM, ROGUE and WILLIAM STRYKER

WOLVERINE
Look, if I went into wierd military guys, Swordfish would have had a whole different ending, okay?

MYSTIQUE
Works for Magneto ...

WOLVERINE
I don't care! And I didn't want to know! The magic is over!

INT - Blackbird Jet - next day

STORM
Those guys are stealing all the screentime. Us Oscar winners gotta stick together.

ROGUE
At least I didn't have to show my tits to get mine ...

STORM
What?

ROGUE
Er ... look, all you need is a subplot! Just try and bond with that wierd blue German ...

STORM
Well ... I did work with Billy Bob Thornton ...

WOLVERINE
Pyro - back at Boddy's house, you did something dangerous and irresponsible with your powers. There's only room for one dangerous maverick in this francise. So you suck.

PYRO
Hang on - I use flames - FLAMES - to stop those cops, but none of them are dead or seriously injured. Doesn't that say something about my self control?

JEAN
I don't care - you suck.

STORM
Er, shouldn't we stop one of our students sitting next to the powerful and dangerous mutant terrorist?

WOLVERINE
Sorry, This seat's got a prime view of Jean's ass - and I'm staying put.

STORM
Look, since we're involved in flying this thing ...

WOLVERINE
I'm here, her ass is there. End of story.

STORM
Just two minutes. Get Pyro to sit next to ...

WOLVERINE
Ass - here!

MAGNETO
So tell me young man - do you watch ... gladiator movies?

PYRO
SOrry?

MAGNETO
Ah ... so, ever thought about joining the forces of evil? Cool dialogue and catchphrases, hanging around naked blue supermodels if you're so inclined, full medical and dental ...

PYRO
Dental?

MYSTIQUE
Just say the word, and your smile will be just as bright as Tom Wellings.

PYRO (awe inspired whisper)
Tom Wellings?

PYRO, MYSTIQUE and MAGNETO give a heartfelt sigh.

MAGNETO
Either you join us, or you get less screen time than Jean's red-eyed butt monkey.

INT - Super Secret Military base - day

XAVIER is trying to resist

XAVIER
Must .. not ... kill ... all ... mutants

WIERD GUY IN WHEELCHAIR
Don't you find it strange that you're a trained and experienced Shakespearian actor, and Halle Berry gets a 'Best ...' Oscar before you do?

XAVIER
The fuckers die.