Well, surprise surprise. I got bored again. I have no life so that isn't out of the ordinary. Anyway, I got to thinking about Heather (WB's HP site where my other fic is also posted) again. She always wants Harry to die. I wrote her one story, and now I'm going to write another. Enjoy!
Voldemort Wins
Voldemorts POV'
"Wormtail! I have had enough of your worthlessness!" He glared at the cowering mass huddled in front of his chair. An evil grin crossed his face. "Avada Kedavra." The last thought crossing Peter Pettigrew's mind was 'Why the Hell did I ever come back?' Voldemort started laughing evilly.
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He sat back and started thinking about how he could kill the insolent 'Boy-Who-Lived.' It was time for Harry James Potter to die.
Harry's POV
It was another lazy Saturday afternoon. I was sitting in my room at the Dursleys. Dudley was downstairs yelling about something. I had tuned him out ages ago. Hedwig's cage was empty. She had left earlier this morning to deliver some letters to Ron and Hermione. Now I had nothing to do. I sighed and pulled Quidditch through the Ages out of my trunk and started reading. I was almost done with the eighth chapter when my scar started hurting. Great, now he was bothering me. Couldn't I get one summers worth of peace? I grumbled then fell asleep so I could get the dream that always accompanied my scar hurting.
*~*~*
Wormtail slumped to the floor after the blinding flash of green light. Voldemort started laughing evilly. Lucius Malfoy strode into the room.
"Master, we have a way to get to Harry Potter."
"What is it?"
"His family has agreed to sell him to us for a million pounds."
"A million? Tell them to hand him over or I will blow them to smithereens and take the boy. He's not worth a million. If they refuse to back down, offer them two-fifty." Malfoy nodded and left the room muttering 'What the hell are pounds?' under his breath. Voldemort started laughing evilly. "Mine mine. All mine. To slice and dice and chop chop chop." He started humming happily to himself, muttering things like 'slice, fillet, broil, consume' under his breath.
*4 hours later*
Malfoy dragged Harry into the room with Voldemort. He was dazed due to repeated hits to the head.
"Hello Potter." Voldemort hissed evilly, barely able to contain his giddiness.
"Hello, Riddle." Harry figured someone would come to his rescue. They always did.
"Don't call me that, insolent boy. Today, you will die. Doesn't that sound like fun?" Harry paled.
"Umm, no, not really. Could we wait a few more days? My birthday is in three days and Hermione promised me a really cool present. And I'm supposed to go visit Ron next week. How does after Christmas holidays sound?" Harry was babbling on. "Because then I would know it was coming and be scared." He pointed to Lucius standing behind him. "He didn't do a very good job of getting me here. Almost lost me before we even apparated. You should fire him. He's horrible." Lucius turned purple with rage.
"Oh wise Master, may I knock him around a bit?"
"No. Go away, it's my turn to have fun. Oh, and kill your wife and feed her to Fluffy. She's getting really annoying."
"Yes, My Lord."
"Oh, and don't forget to hire the Elvis impersonator and make some meatloaf."
"Yes, My Lord."
"You aren't gone yet?" Lucius ran out of the room to do his masters bidding. Voldemort turned to the boy standing in front of him. Well, not standing. More like hunched over because he was laughing so hard.
"Meat *snort* meatloaf! *giggle* and fluffy **snort laugh* and Elvis!" Harry fell over laughing. "Where's Zheng Hu and his missing reading glass*snort* glasses?" he lay there laughing hysterically. Voldemort looked at him like he was crazy.
"What are you talking about, you young fool? And who is Zheng Hu?" Harry was laughing to hard to answer. "Answer me, fool or pay the consequences!" Harry sat up, still laughing.
"Zheng Hu was a Chinese explorer in the early 15th century."
"And what about his reading glasses?" Harry started laughing hysterically again. "Answer me!"
"Reading books is the euphemism Mr. Leo used for the word that rhymes with 'hex'." Voldemort sat there for a moment, thinking hard. Suddenly he turned bright red.
"You mean?" Harry nodded. "Ok. Well, I still have to kill you." Harry frowned.
"You mean it?' Voldemort nodded. "Awww man. But I haven't read a book yet."
"You can't read and you are a sixth year student?"
"No, I mean I haven't read a book." Voldemort blushed again.
"Well, that's not my problem. Boys your age shouldn't even be thinking about that anyway. Thoughts of how to get more power would be much better." Harry frowned and tried the 'puppy' look. "Nope, that won't work with me. Now, how would you like to die?"
"I get to pick?"
"Yup. Which way?" Harry thought about it for a minute the smiled. "Well?"
"I want to die a natural death when I turn 126."
"Alright." Voldemort thought about it for a minute. "Wait a minute! That's not fair!"
"Yes it is, you said I get to pick."
"Well you can't pick that. Pick again."
"Alright, I want to die a natural death when I turn 128." Voldemort shook his head. "127?"
"No." Harry thought for a second.
"100?"
"Nope."
"85"
"No."
"129, and that's my final offer. And you can kill me then, if you like."
"Deal!" Voldemort smiled evilly. "So, how many years do I have to wait?"
"113."
"Can I kill you on your birthday?"
"No, how about the day after."
"Sounds good. See you then, Potter." Voldemort waved and Harry walked out of the room. He started muttering to himself. "113 years, 113 years, 113 years…."
~*~*~*~*~
ALTERNATE ENDING
"Yup. Which way?" Harry thought about it for a minute the smiled. "Well?"
"I want to die a natural death when I turn 126."
"Alright." Voldemort thought about it for a minute. "Wait a minute! That's not fair!"
"Yes it is, you said I get to pick."
"Well you can't pick that. Pick again."
"Alright, I want to die a natural death when I turn 128." Voldemort shook his head. "127?"
"No." Harry thought for a second.
"100?"
"Nope."
"85"
"No."
"129, and that's my final offer. And you can kill me then, if you like."
"Deal!" Voldemort smiled evilly. "So, how many years do I have to wait?"
"113."
"Can I kill you on your birthday?"
"No, how about the day after."
"Sounds good. See you then, Potter." Harry turned to leave the room. "Wait a minute! I don't want to wait to kill you! I want to do it now!"
"Now, Tom, you're acting like a little kid. We made a deal, it's not fair if you break it."
"I don't care! Time to die Potter! Avada Kedavra!" A brilliant flash of green lit up the room and Harry Potter fell to the ground, dead. Voldemort started laughing. "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" A few minutes later, Lucius came down the stairs with a pan of meatloaf. He and Voldemort ate it and ran away to Vegas to get married by the Elvis impersonator.
THE END
I'm sorry, Heather. It's just that Voldemort is too stupid to kill Harry, at least here. Oh, and to everyone reading this, its full of inside jokes. This is what happens when you have to much soda and stay awake until 3:10 in the morning. Hope you liked it!
~K~
