She was having one of those nights. One of those restless nights where she
was anxious, nauseated, excited, scared, nervous and happy all in one. It
wasn't easy living on the edge all the time, especially when she was
pregnant. Luka wasn't home yet, he didn't finish till 8. She had gotten off
early, Weaver had been cutting her a bit of slack, she knew Susan was
having a tough time with the pregnancy. No sleep and constant urges for
weird food like chocolate and raisins or orange peel. God she was weird.
What sort of person in their right mind would eat orange peel?! She laughed
to herself, then continued her exercise of flicking through the TV
channels. She had only worked 6 hours today but she was knackered from it.
The workload was getting too much, she was beginning to make mistakes, and
it wasn't helping with the sleep deprivation and constant nausea. She had
planned on staying at work as long as possible, but it looked like that
wouldn't be very much longer.
The thought of sitting around the apartment day in, day out, with hardly any company most of the time didn't sound very appealing to her, but things were starting to affect her work. It was risking a patient's life, and she wasn't going to do it. So there was that decision made. She would go on maternity leave next week, finish of the weeks rounds, and then start afresh. She figured it was time now anyway, she was happy, she had a boyfriend who loved her, and she loved him, and there was a baby on the way, she didn't need to work, she had more important things to worry about. They hadn't really bought anything that day at Mothercare, it was more of a settlement that he was happy than a shopping spree. They bought a cuddly bear, then went home and made love. It was perfect.
But it hadn't happened since then, as she had told Abby earlier that day. She still worried if he found her attractive anymore, now she was fat. She knew it wasn't really her fault she was fat now, but she hoped this celibacy didn't last much longer, she had needs. She laughed to herself, she sounded like a pervert, needs. Needs my ass, I'm horny! She carried on flicking through the channels, completely zoned out in her own thoughts, thinking about Luka and what their future would hold. She glanced over at the clock, 8.34. He should have been home 15 minutes ago. She sighed, he was probably avoiding her now, probably couldn't think of any other excuses not to have sex with her. It wasn't like he'd actually given her an excuse before, but it was just neither of them had tried to have sex together since that night he admitted he knew about the pregnancy.
They had a routine, both would go to bed at the same time, always, but they would kiss, say goodnight, and roll over and go to sleep. Well try to anyway. She wondered if he had been having trouble sleeping or if it was just her. She didn't want it to be just her, she didn't feel comfortable about the whole situation anyway, so to be alone would make it worse. She worried that if they couldn't talk to each other about stuff, like this, they couldn't very well go and get married or even have a child together. It was a lack of communication, she knew it, and she knew he did too. She decided tonight was the night they would talk, properly. It didn't matter right now if they didn't end up having sex, she just wanted to see where he was. He had been preoccupied recently, and she wanted to know why. Was it her? Or was it just stress from work? Either way, it needed to be talked about.
Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the sound of keys turning in the lock. "Now or never Susan." She said to herself as the door opened slowly.
"Hey." She said smiling as he walked in looking freezing and pissed off. "What's up?"
"Nothing."
"There's something wrong I know it."
"I lost a couple of patients today. It was a Mother and her two kids. The Father watched them die. It's hard sometimes." He replied looking sorry and walking slowly to the kitchen area to get a drink. "You want something?" He asked politely as he poured himself a water.
"I'm fine." She said as she turned around on the sofa watching him. "I'm sorry about today. It wasn't your fault."
"I know. It's just memories. It's hard to forget." He replied quietly, looking up momentarily at her looking at him sorrowfully, then looking back down at his glass. "So what did you do today?" He asked changing the topic.
Susan decided he wasn't going to change the subject and get away with it. She got up and walked slowly over to him, a blank expression on her face, but still holding so much comfort and emotion for him. He looked up slightly, watching her come towards him. He didn't expect a reaction, anybody else would ignore his sorrow and talk about something else, but she cared what he was feeling. She reached him and took the glass out of his hand, putting it on the side. She took his hands, both of them looking down and watching their fingers intertwining, like a pattern of love they made all their own. It fascinated them to watch their mingling hands, then she looked up from them momentarily and watched his face.
"It's okay to be sad Luka." She said finally, watching for his reaction.
"You think?" He asked quietly, still looking down.
She moved one of her hands up to his face, and pushed it up slightly to look at her, he looked so hopeless and alone.
"Yes. It's okay to be sad. I'm not going to think any less of you, ever." She said confidently.
He smiled slightly, then his half frown returned to his face and he moved their two hands that were still clasped together, up to his face to wipe away the single tear that had found its way down his cheek. She smiled slightly, he was so beautiful, and it hurt so bad to see him cry. She leaned up and kissed his cheek lightly, then stood back where she was again.
"It's hard." He said, then broke off.
"I know I know. It's alright."
He tried hard not to let go, but it was too much. She had been so good, she was always so good. He couldn't help but cry. He collapsed into her arms that night, crying so much he wondered where all these emotions were coming from. He was just trying to find an answer, but he knew there would never be anymore than the better thing. And she was it. She was that better thing. The only good thing that came out of his move to Chicago. He loved her, God he loved her so much. He hoped she knew, he hadn't shown that he did for so long. Words were never much when they were together, not really. I love you was never something either of them was very regular with, although they knew it. He figured they were at that point where you didn't need to say it, they just knew. He knew she loved him, no matter what, and he loved her the same, if it possible, more now than ever before.
"I love you." He said suddenly as he was cuddling into her.
They still stood in that same position in the kitchen, she opened herself up for him, and he took the opportunity to be held, and here they were, five minutes on, still hugging. He just wanted to show her how much he loved and needed her, but words were all he had right now. She hugged him tighter in response, he knew she knew now. The past was irrelevant now, they both knew.
"I love you too." She replied finally, after a long pause of silence. Everything was going to be alright.
Eventually, after some time, they broke apart from the hug, but still close, so close they could feel each others heart beat. Luka kissed her softly on the lips and then watched her, she was so beautiful. He couldn't understand how someone so special could be interested in someone so..average. He wasn't special, he was nothing, and she was, she was just amazing. He looked at her standing in front of him, there for him as usual, always there for him. He was thankful for her, he actually silently thanked God for Susan Lewis. If it wasn't for her, he would have nothing.
"Are you okay?" He asked quietly as they stood in silence for a while.
"Yeah." She replied, smiling thoughtfully at him.
They stood for ages, the world had stopped around them, and all there was, was them in it. He wasn't convinced, she had sadness in her eyes recently, a sadness he wished he knew what it meant but he didn't. It made him sad, that's how he knew. When she was sad, he was sad, it was as simple as that. In the past, times like these, he ignored her sadness, and chose to pretend everything was okay. It truth, it hadn't happened very often, but when it did, he was so overwhelmed by her not being okay, as she usually was, he didn't know how to handle it. So he ignored it. He thought things would go away if he ignored them, but the truth was that mostly, things got worse. He had seen the sadness for a while now, and he wanted it to stop. It was now or never.
"There's something wrong. Come sit down with me." He said, motioning towards the sofa.
He sat down and switched off the TV, leaning forward to put the remote on the coffee table, then laid back for Susan to lie on top of him. They lay together for a while in complete silence. Her head resting on his chest, her back to his front, together as one, but still a slight distance between them. All they could hear was their breathing, a comfortable silence, but things still needed to be said. He took a breath to speak, but found he had no words. What could he say? He didn't want to ask if she was okay, he just wanted to know she was okay.
"Tell me what's wrong. Please." He pleaded, still holding her hands around her body, both their hands resting on her protruding belly. He rubbed it with one hand, still clasping her to her other hand for dear life.
"What do you mean?" She asked, knowing full well what he was talking about.
"You're different. Have I done something wrong?" He asked worriedly.
"No of course not. I just.it's tiring being pregnant and working at the same time." She replied sighing slightly.
"Maybe you should think about going on leave now."
"I have. I'm going to at the end of this week."
"When did you decide this?"
"Today. I was thinking a lot tonight and I decided it's too hard. My work's starting to slip, and I lose concentration easily because I'm so tired all the time. It's time."
"Have you told Weaver?"
"Not yet."
"You want me to do it?"
"No it's okay. I'll tell her tomorrow."
"That's not what's wrong. I know it. I wanted us to talk tonight anyway, there's a few things I wanted to say."
"Like what?"
"You first."
"No you go first. Mine isn't very important."
"If it's on your mind, then it's important to me." He said firmly as he kissed the top of her head and waited patiently for her to speak.
"Do you still find me attractive? Or did you not ever?" She said suddenly. He could feel her tense up and she was holding her breath as she waited for him to speak. He was more than shocked by this, she was the reason he bothered to get up in the morning, she was the reason he went to bed at night, and she was the reason he continued with his pathetic existence. She made him feel more than a man, she made him feel whole, she made him feel alive.
The thought of sitting around the apartment day in, day out, with hardly any company most of the time didn't sound very appealing to her, but things were starting to affect her work. It was risking a patient's life, and she wasn't going to do it. So there was that decision made. She would go on maternity leave next week, finish of the weeks rounds, and then start afresh. She figured it was time now anyway, she was happy, she had a boyfriend who loved her, and she loved him, and there was a baby on the way, she didn't need to work, she had more important things to worry about. They hadn't really bought anything that day at Mothercare, it was more of a settlement that he was happy than a shopping spree. They bought a cuddly bear, then went home and made love. It was perfect.
But it hadn't happened since then, as she had told Abby earlier that day. She still worried if he found her attractive anymore, now she was fat. She knew it wasn't really her fault she was fat now, but she hoped this celibacy didn't last much longer, she had needs. She laughed to herself, she sounded like a pervert, needs. Needs my ass, I'm horny! She carried on flicking through the channels, completely zoned out in her own thoughts, thinking about Luka and what their future would hold. She glanced over at the clock, 8.34. He should have been home 15 minutes ago. She sighed, he was probably avoiding her now, probably couldn't think of any other excuses not to have sex with her. It wasn't like he'd actually given her an excuse before, but it was just neither of them had tried to have sex together since that night he admitted he knew about the pregnancy.
They had a routine, both would go to bed at the same time, always, but they would kiss, say goodnight, and roll over and go to sleep. Well try to anyway. She wondered if he had been having trouble sleeping or if it was just her. She didn't want it to be just her, she didn't feel comfortable about the whole situation anyway, so to be alone would make it worse. She worried that if they couldn't talk to each other about stuff, like this, they couldn't very well go and get married or even have a child together. It was a lack of communication, she knew it, and she knew he did too. She decided tonight was the night they would talk, properly. It didn't matter right now if they didn't end up having sex, she just wanted to see where he was. He had been preoccupied recently, and she wanted to know why. Was it her? Or was it just stress from work? Either way, it needed to be talked about.
Her thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the sound of keys turning in the lock. "Now or never Susan." She said to herself as the door opened slowly.
"Hey." She said smiling as he walked in looking freezing and pissed off. "What's up?"
"Nothing."
"There's something wrong I know it."
"I lost a couple of patients today. It was a Mother and her two kids. The Father watched them die. It's hard sometimes." He replied looking sorry and walking slowly to the kitchen area to get a drink. "You want something?" He asked politely as he poured himself a water.
"I'm fine." She said as she turned around on the sofa watching him. "I'm sorry about today. It wasn't your fault."
"I know. It's just memories. It's hard to forget." He replied quietly, looking up momentarily at her looking at him sorrowfully, then looking back down at his glass. "So what did you do today?" He asked changing the topic.
Susan decided he wasn't going to change the subject and get away with it. She got up and walked slowly over to him, a blank expression on her face, but still holding so much comfort and emotion for him. He looked up slightly, watching her come towards him. He didn't expect a reaction, anybody else would ignore his sorrow and talk about something else, but she cared what he was feeling. She reached him and took the glass out of his hand, putting it on the side. She took his hands, both of them looking down and watching their fingers intertwining, like a pattern of love they made all their own. It fascinated them to watch their mingling hands, then she looked up from them momentarily and watched his face.
"It's okay to be sad Luka." She said finally, watching for his reaction.
"You think?" He asked quietly, still looking down.
She moved one of her hands up to his face, and pushed it up slightly to look at her, he looked so hopeless and alone.
"Yes. It's okay to be sad. I'm not going to think any less of you, ever." She said confidently.
He smiled slightly, then his half frown returned to his face and he moved their two hands that were still clasped together, up to his face to wipe away the single tear that had found its way down his cheek. She smiled slightly, he was so beautiful, and it hurt so bad to see him cry. She leaned up and kissed his cheek lightly, then stood back where she was again.
"It's hard." He said, then broke off.
"I know I know. It's alright."
He tried hard not to let go, but it was too much. She had been so good, she was always so good. He couldn't help but cry. He collapsed into her arms that night, crying so much he wondered where all these emotions were coming from. He was just trying to find an answer, but he knew there would never be anymore than the better thing. And she was it. She was that better thing. The only good thing that came out of his move to Chicago. He loved her, God he loved her so much. He hoped she knew, he hadn't shown that he did for so long. Words were never much when they were together, not really. I love you was never something either of them was very regular with, although they knew it. He figured they were at that point where you didn't need to say it, they just knew. He knew she loved him, no matter what, and he loved her the same, if it possible, more now than ever before.
"I love you." He said suddenly as he was cuddling into her.
They still stood in that same position in the kitchen, she opened herself up for him, and he took the opportunity to be held, and here they were, five minutes on, still hugging. He just wanted to show her how much he loved and needed her, but words were all he had right now. She hugged him tighter in response, he knew she knew now. The past was irrelevant now, they both knew.
"I love you too." She replied finally, after a long pause of silence. Everything was going to be alright.
Eventually, after some time, they broke apart from the hug, but still close, so close they could feel each others heart beat. Luka kissed her softly on the lips and then watched her, she was so beautiful. He couldn't understand how someone so special could be interested in someone so..average. He wasn't special, he was nothing, and she was, she was just amazing. He looked at her standing in front of him, there for him as usual, always there for him. He was thankful for her, he actually silently thanked God for Susan Lewis. If it wasn't for her, he would have nothing.
"Are you okay?" He asked quietly as they stood in silence for a while.
"Yeah." She replied, smiling thoughtfully at him.
They stood for ages, the world had stopped around them, and all there was, was them in it. He wasn't convinced, she had sadness in her eyes recently, a sadness he wished he knew what it meant but he didn't. It made him sad, that's how he knew. When she was sad, he was sad, it was as simple as that. In the past, times like these, he ignored her sadness, and chose to pretend everything was okay. It truth, it hadn't happened very often, but when it did, he was so overwhelmed by her not being okay, as she usually was, he didn't know how to handle it. So he ignored it. He thought things would go away if he ignored them, but the truth was that mostly, things got worse. He had seen the sadness for a while now, and he wanted it to stop. It was now or never.
"There's something wrong. Come sit down with me." He said, motioning towards the sofa.
He sat down and switched off the TV, leaning forward to put the remote on the coffee table, then laid back for Susan to lie on top of him. They lay together for a while in complete silence. Her head resting on his chest, her back to his front, together as one, but still a slight distance between them. All they could hear was their breathing, a comfortable silence, but things still needed to be said. He took a breath to speak, but found he had no words. What could he say? He didn't want to ask if she was okay, he just wanted to know she was okay.
"Tell me what's wrong. Please." He pleaded, still holding her hands around her body, both their hands resting on her protruding belly. He rubbed it with one hand, still clasping her to her other hand for dear life.
"What do you mean?" She asked, knowing full well what he was talking about.
"You're different. Have I done something wrong?" He asked worriedly.
"No of course not. I just.it's tiring being pregnant and working at the same time." She replied sighing slightly.
"Maybe you should think about going on leave now."
"I have. I'm going to at the end of this week."
"When did you decide this?"
"Today. I was thinking a lot tonight and I decided it's too hard. My work's starting to slip, and I lose concentration easily because I'm so tired all the time. It's time."
"Have you told Weaver?"
"Not yet."
"You want me to do it?"
"No it's okay. I'll tell her tomorrow."
"That's not what's wrong. I know it. I wanted us to talk tonight anyway, there's a few things I wanted to say."
"Like what?"
"You first."
"No you go first. Mine isn't very important."
"If it's on your mind, then it's important to me." He said firmly as he kissed the top of her head and waited patiently for her to speak.
"Do you still find me attractive? Or did you not ever?" She said suddenly. He could feel her tense up and she was holding her breath as she waited for him to speak. He was more than shocked by this, she was the reason he bothered to get up in the morning, she was the reason he went to bed at night, and she was the reason he continued with his pathetic existence. She made him feel more than a man, she made him feel whole, she made him feel alive.
