Thanks so much for the reviews. Keep 'em coming, and any story suggestions
you think of. I've got the outline down, but if it keeps changing so..
I know I've got the time lines a bit screwed up, but it's close enough to still work (I think so anyway, as the story would need some major rejigging if it doesn't!!).
This chapter is shorter than the first two, but I think it's as long as it needs to be. Some of Cordy's stuff is a bit ooc, but she's growing a changing as a Higher Being. That's my idea and I'm sticking to it.
As usual, anything in italics is thought.
See first 2 chapters for disclaimers.
Enjoy.
~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#
Reappearing in the non physical realm, Cordelia glared at Skip 'what did you do that for?! We were getting somewhere, but there are so many ways that that lot could still screw up that touching reconciliation! I need to get back down there before Xander makes the lame crack that ends the world.'
'No Cordelia. As a Higher Being, all you can do is guide people, put things in their proper place. After that, you have to leave humans to do what they want.' He sighed. 'This whole free will thing's a bitch.'
'What? I do all that and then I just have to leave it all up to them! Do you have any idea of how many bad decisions they are capable of making? I mean, I know Buffy spent the night in a crypt, but even so..did you that outfit! Is she trying to remind us she was dead by still looking like it!'
'Calm down. Your involvement with that group isn't finished. Now you need to get some of the other players into the game though.' He paused; this was going to be tricky. 'It's important that you remember what you've become Cordelia. You aren't human anymore, and neither is your heart.'
'What does that mean?' Cordelia asked, slightly annoyed. 'Do I need to practise being all crypticie and unhelpful to anyone who's actually trying to do some good?'
Skip sighed 'No. We are trying to help you know. You'll start to understand just how much we help soon. You're one of us now. You have to bare that in mind, even when you don't want to.'
'What aren't you telling me Skip? Why the sudden pep talk?' She eyed him warily, where is he going with this? Why do I get the feeling the catch in this free lunch is about to make it's self known?
'It's not that bad Cordelia, really.' He smiled at her encouragingly.
She stared back at him, and suddenly did the non-corporeal equivalent of stamping her foot. 'No fair reading my mind. I can't read your mind - Hey, why can't I read your mind? If you can read my mind, why can't I read yours?'
'You are reading my mind Cordelia. We don't have mouths or ears up here. How else do you think we communicate? You don't have the experience to pick up anything other than the thoughts I'm directing at you. Give it time, and you'll be able to pick up whatever I'm thinking. We do try and be polite about it though, and not listen in on the really private stuff. Total honesty makes for a really uncomfortable work place!'
'Riiight. Okay Skip. Now you've sufficiently weirded me out, could we get back to the whole remember you're not human trip?'
'Sure. You're next assignment.'
'Uh huh?'
'It's Angel.' 'Oh.'
'Yeah. Oh. Look, I know you were in love with him, and he was in love with you, but the thing is, you aren't meant to be together. What you two feel for each other is based in comfort, and missing the one you are meant to be with. And the fact that you're both hot. He's meant for someone else down there, and you are meant for someone else up here.' He smiled gently. 'You already knew that though, didn't you? You knew it as soon as you saw Buffy.'
'I..yeah, I guess..I really did love him though. Do love him. Shit. I'm not going to change who I am because I've become I higher being. You can't tell me who to love.'
'I know that Cordelia, we wouldn't even try. But who do you know who's already been tested, made the ultimate sacrifice? Who loved you when you were human, even though he knew all your faults, and has loved you ever since?'
She stared at him, stunned. Hope filled her voice as she stretched out her senses, looking for some sign of him 'Doyle? Doyle's up here? Where is he? I want to see him!! Why can't I sense him?'
'He's on assignment right now. The job he's doing is really important, and he hasn't been told about you. If he had, he'd just blow it off and come and see you. He's in D.C, trying to sort out a couple of whacked out FBI agents. Anyway, if you get this job finished, maybe you can go and join him. Hell,' ha muttered to himself, 'they might have got themselves killed by then and he'll be back here with you.' He straightened, concentrating solely on Cordelia again. 'Right now, your priority is Angel. Find him, save him, sort him out, get the rest of the group together and get them all back to the hellmouth. The relationships in your little group make the Medici look simple and straightforward.'
'That's it. Fix that group of emotional screw ups? Why don't you give me something simple for my first job, like, I don't know, world peace? Fixing the environment? Getting Britney Spears a decent wardrobe? That lot have done nothing but tie themselves in emotional knots for the last six years, and you just tell me to fix it!'
'Yeah. No one said it was going to be easy.' He paused and looked at her as if assessing her. 'They're your friends Cordelia, and the world needs them. They all need to be working together to be effective in the future.' Again, he paused. Cordelia got the feeling he was weighing how much to tell her. 'Your ascension was foretold, and your part in uniting the champions. You can do it, but not if you sit on your ass up here whining about it. Time's a'whasting. Get down there girl.'
'Fine. Thanks for the advice! It was really useful in a totally not at all way. If you're through with not telling me anything useful, just adding a whole heap of pressure, I'll go and find Angel. And I do love him. So there.' Great exit line Cordy, maybe you could blow a raspberry next!
There's nothing wrong with loving your friends Cordelia. And you can do this; no one doubts that except you.'
Cordelia just glared at him, then faded out. She tried focusing her senses while she was still fuming over what Skip had said, but found she couldn't see anything past her own anger, so she shunted it aside, calming herself so she could find Angel amongst the population of L.A. Think Yoda. fear, anger, hate, all dark sidey. Don't wanna go there. Okay, I'm calm. The Power's never told me anything simple before. Why should that change now? And I get to see Doyle again! Oh thank you thank you thank you. Okay Cordy, focus. Find Angel. Shouldn't be too difficult. Think big guilt and not Willow. Gotcha - Huh? What are you doing in the middle of the bay? I really hope part of this Higher being stuff is having water resistant hair!! Here goes!
Concentrating on Angel, Cordelia found her essence under about ten meters of water, and facing a big metal.coffin? Whatever. Explanations later, save Angel now. Reaching through the steel holding him, she wrapped her essence around him, and transported them both into the Hyperion's lobby.
'Cordelia?!! Wha-? Huh? I don't understan-, Conner! Oh my God. Cordelia! He thinks I killed him, but I didn't, I swear I didn't! I know you told me not to go, or to tell Conner, and I didn't, but I should have, and now - Oh God. I swear it wasn't me! You have to believe I didn't do it, but now he hates me even more -'
As Angels emotions were as confused as his words, Cordelia didn't have a clue what was going on. All she was getting from him was a messy swirl of pain and darkness and confusion. 'Wow there. Take a second Angel. I'm here to help, but I need to know what happened.and how did you end up at the bottom of the bay?'
He stared at her, finally taking in their surroundings, and the fact that Cordelia was glowing 'what happened to you? How - how did we get here?'
'You know we arranged to meet at the cliff, and we were gonna have that talk and all that, and I didn't quite make it?'
'Actually, no. You were late, and then Connor pushed me off the cliff and electrocuted me. I never realised you didn't make it.' A horrible thought occurred to him. 'Are you dead? Did something happen to you because I wasn't there when you arrived?'
Sensing his habit of blaming himself for things that he couldn't possibly control kicking in, Cordelia answered him quickly 'not everything revolves around you, you know. I was on my way to meet you, when time stopped.'
'What?'
'Don't interrupt, okay? So, yeah, time stopped and Skip appeared. Long story short?' Angel nodded 'The PTB gave me a promotion. Cause of the visions and everything, I'm a Higher Being now. And for my first job, I get to sort out you lot. Good thing I never asked for an easy life!'
'Wait a minute.' Angel was struggling to get his head round what Cordelia had just told him. 'You're a Higher Being now?'
'Uh huh'
'And you have even more powers?'
'Uh huh'
'And you're here to help all of us?'
'That was quite the recap. Do you think we could move this conversation forward now?'
'Sure. Sorry. So, how are you here to help us?'
'Well, I've just been to Sunnydale, and started things off. They're all.not dead. Things are kind of screwed up at the moment, but with my help, it's getting sorted.' At Angels raised eyebrow, Cordelia became indignant. 'What, you think I couldn't help the all powerful Scooby Gang! They're screwed up even worse than we are! Wes might've stolen Conner, but at least he didn't try and end the world! And I fixed the Magic Box, and Giles! I - ' She paused. An idea flickered in the back of her mind. It was important, she knew, but she couldn't quite grasp it. '- That's not important now. What's important is you. Tell me what happened with Conner.' She could have just taken the information from his mind, but Angel needed to talk about it, or he'd go into major brood mode. Also, all the emotions whizzing around him, including those of the demon inside him, were making her nauseous.
He let Cordelia lead him over to the couch, and collapsed onto it. Everything that had happened was chasing round in his mind. He just couldn't get a handle on everything that had happened. 'He was waiting for me, on the cliff where we were supposed to meet. All the stuff I taught him, the fighting, he used it against me. He pushed me down the cliff, and we fought more on the beech, but he had a tazor. Eventually he knocked me out with it.' He clenched and unclenched his fists as he spoke, still unable to believe what had happened. He'd thought he was finally getting through to his son, making some sort of connection. Oh God.
Cordelia took both of his hands in hers, holding them gently. She felt the tickle of that idea again, but it was gone before she could work out what it was. 'Go on.'
'When I came too, I was already in the box. He was nailing me in, and Justine was there too. He told me I'd murdered his father, and now I'd have eternity to think about what I'd done. But I didn't do it Cordy. I swear to you, the last time I saw Holtz, he was alive, and he wanted Conner to be with me. He said so. I couldn't convince him. I tried, but I couldn't make him believe that I love him, and for that reason alone, I would never hurt Holtz.'
Angel's conversation was erratic, jumping from subject to subject with out any indication of who or when. Without the whole soul reading thing, I'd have no clue what he was talking about. The idea came again, brushing the edges of her conscious mind, but not letting her grab onto it. Still holding Angels hands, she sighed, then glared at the ceiling. If you want me to do something, just tell me already!! Enough with the cryptic. I'm one of you now, remember!?' Cordy's angry conversation with the ceiling brought Angel back to reality. 'Cordy? Who are you talking to? Because we sealed the rift to the Kurtogh you know.'
'The Powers are trying to tell me something, except they're not actually telling me. It's more like "We know something you don't know, and you've got to guess what it is" Aargghh! You'd think they could just tell me!'
Skip appeared suddenly. Not the usual slow glow to reality, more like a flash, then there he was.
'Nice entrance. Needed a puff of smoke though.' Cordelia glared at him as she got to her feet, and then stalked towards him. 'What's going on? If it's so important to the Powers that I help this lot, why the cryptic? Why not just tell me what I need to do?'
'Because you have to learn to think like one of us.' He nodded to Angel, who nodded back. 'Hey.' Turning back to Cordelia, he continued 'you're not human anymore. You have to stop thinking like one. There's something you can do, right here, right now, which will go a long way to sorting this group out. Also, it puts an end to all sorts of bad ideas people have planned for Angel here.' As Cordelia continued to stare at him, none the wiser, Skip shrugged. 'Already said more than I should of. You gotta figure this one out by yourself. I'm outta here.' With that, he flashed out.
They were left staring at each other. After so many years, neither of them could believe that what Skip had not at all subtly hinted was that easy.
Angel spoke first 'it couldn't be that easy. No way. He must have meant something else, right?' He stared at the floor, afraid to let Cordelia see the hope in his eyes. Of course, she could sense it from him, but his thought process was well below realising that. 'No. He had to mean something else. I mean, I know it says that I'll have my shanshu eventually, but I've got so much more to make up for first.last year.'
Cordelia looked at him, really looked with all her new senses. 'No.'
'What?'
'No. You don't have anything to make up for.' Angel looked at her like she was insane, so she tried to explain what she had seen when she looked at hard at his soul. 'Your soul didn't do anything wrong. Sure, your body did some really horrible things, but not when the soul was in charge.' As Angel's expression hadn't changed, Cordelia tried a different tack. 'Look, who do you blame if there's a car crash, the car or the driver? Your body is like the car, and either your soul or the demon is the driver. Your body doesn't have control over what it does. If Fred crashed Gunn's truck, we wouldn't blame Gunn, just because his name's on the owners papers.'
'Then why was I told I had to find redemption? Why did Whistler find me and show me Buffy? Why.' he gestured around him 'all of this?'
'Because of the guilt.'
'What! I thought you just said I wasn't guilty! I'm the car?' 'Not the guilt you should feel, the guilt you DO feel. See, when the gypsies cursed you, and you - you the soul you - came back, the first thing you were told was that you should feel guilty for everything your body had done, when you weren't in it. All the memories came back, and the only thing the soul understood was that it should feel guilty. It had the memories of what it's - your body had done, so it felt guilty. People have been unable to tell the difference between you and the demon, and he still lives inside you. You have to fight him everyday. I can see that now. You have to fight for redemption, not because the Powers need it, but because your soul needs it. Your soul has been tortured for so long; the only way it will ever rest is if it atones for the crimes done by its body when it wasn't in residence. Unless I can convince you it really wasn't your fault. It wasn't. I believe that. I can literally see the truth of that now. When I look in you, I can see your soul. It's different from most of the souls I've seen. Admittedly, I've not seen that many, but I have seen one. One that matches your soul completely. They're not the same exactly, but they belong together. The darkness and the light, the fear and the courage in your soul, belong totally with only one other, and oh my God I can't believe I'm saying this. You were right. Buffy Summers is your one true love. Your souls match up in a way that I think doesn't happen very often.'
Angel was feeling pretty much every emotion possible at this moment. Cordelia had to do the sixth sense equivalent of sticking her fingers in her ears and screwing her eyes shut so she didn't get washed away by all that emotion. 'So you're saying that I should never have left her? That all of this -' He made a sweeping gesture with his arm, indicating the Hyperion, and the offices of Angel Investigations, which is what Cordy figured he actually meant '- is wrong! No I don't accept that! Look how many people we've saved Cordy. This isn't wrong. It hurt like hell, literally, and still does, but it can't be wrong. It can't be.'
'No, it's not. That's not what I meant. You were right to leave her, and Sunnydale, when you did. The reminders of the past, and the guilt there were always too close. She was to close. You never could have stayed away from her, and you always would have been in her shadow. Hell, if you hadn't come to L.A, I'd be dead, Wes'd still be dressing in leathers, which is a fate worse than death. Fred'd still be in Pylia. God knows where Gunn would be. You had to come here. You've changed so much. You've become so much more confident. You smile now, you laugh. You used to brood. That was pretty much it.' She smiled at him, proud of what he had done, and of knowing that she had helped. 'You had her on a pedestal before. That wasn't healthy, for either of you. Now you can meet her on equal ground. You're destined for each other.' She could feel his happiness, his fear, and she caught another whiff of guilt, this time directed at her. 'Oh please. You think you broke my heart!? Ha. I love you Angel, I really do. But can you really imagine us together? As someone explained to me recently, it was familiarity and comfort between us, not true love. We're both destined to be with someone else, and we both know who they are.'
'I'm sorry. You were just always there. You were safe.'
'You were the same. I guess I knew subconsciously that Gru wasn't the one, so I turned to you as an escape route.'
'Wait a minute, if not Gru, then who? Who are you destined to be with?'
She grinned at him, then answered simply 'Doyle.' Before Angel could ask any of the questions that were swirling in his mind, she said 'We can do Q and A later first, let's get you sorted so we can move on. This may take a while.' She said as she placed her hands on the sides of his head, the heels of her hands running along his jaw, her thumbs just below his eyes. 'Also, I have no idea how I'm gonna do this.' She started to glow brighter.
'Wha-' Angel tried to step away from her, but she hung on, and the glow intensified slowly, until the room was filled with light so bright it was like looking at the sun.
As the light finally dimmed, Angel was on his knees in front of Cordy, his hands clamped over hers. When she let him go, he slumped down, letting his head touch the floor.
'Angel?' Cordy asked hesitantly. She wasn't sure if what she had tried to do had worked. 'Angel? Can you hear me?'
Slowly, he managed to push himself into a sitting position. As soon as she could actually look at him, she could see it had all worked perfectly. She let out a sigh of relief. 'What did you do Cordy?' He stared at her, filled with awe. He could feel his heart beating again, racing, thudding, pounding. Holy Jesus. 'What did you do?'
'Well, I remembered when you told us about getting the Oracles to turn back time, so I knew I couldn't make you normal human. Besides, even though you don't have anything to atone for, you have way too many enemies, not thinking of any demon law firms in particular, to just become a regular human. I'm not sure I could give you any new powers, so I concentrated on letting you keep the old ones.'
Angel nodded. 'With you so far.'
'Okay, so. The only thing keeping you well, undead, was the demon. I had to keep part of the demon, or your body would turn to dust while I was changing you. So, I took the strength, the healing, the eyesight, the hearing and the memories, and I kept them as part of you, while I got rid of the rest. Outcome is you're human, mortal, but with super powers. Kind of like a male Slayer in fact.
'Why did you make me keep the memories? I mean, thank you, this is..amazing. Unbelievable. I could never thank you for this. But why do I have to remember what I did?'
The pain in his voice defused a lot of Cordelias annoyance at him. 'You have to remember. Do you think you'd be able to fight so hard if you didn't remember just how much evil there is in the heart of a vampire? What would you do if you were faced with someone from your past, but you didn't know who they were? What about all the knowledge you gained that can help in the fight? I know it's hard, but the memories are part of who you are.'
He nodded, slowly climbing to his feet. 'So what else? Just how human am I?'
'Totally. You can do sunlight, crosses, holy water. Your soul and my powers cancel out any demon reaction to those things. You'll be able to see yourself in a mirror and you'll have to eat. When you use your super strength or speed, you'll have to eat a lot. A steak through the heart or decapitation will still kill you, but then, that's pretty normal.'
'That's it then? You glow and I'm human.' He stared at her. Part of him wanted to be angry. After all his hard work, it shouldn't have been this easy. The rest of him didn't care. He was human. He could be happy. He could be with Buffy. He could take her into the light and give her the life and the children - children. Connor. Abruptly, his happiness fled, leaving behind the gaping wound in his heart that Connor had left there. He stared at Cordy. 'I have to find him.'
'No. You have to wait here. I have to find him.'
'What! Cordy, I can't just leave him. He hates me! He thinks I killed Holtz. I have to convince him I didn't!'
'And that's exactly why you can't come. When the two of you get together there's emotions flying about everywhere. No one can think, Connor gets scared and starts lashing out at you, and you start accepting the blame for everything from the holocaust to bad haircuts. I need you to trust me with this one.' She smiled her beautiful smile, seeming to glow even brighter. 'I have a different perspective now. He can't hurt me and I'll be able to see why he's so convinced you killed Holtz.' Taking Angel by the shoulders, she made him look into her eyes. I'll bring him back for you Angel. I promise.' Then she grinned, wickedly. 'And then I'm going to take you all to Sunnydale and watch how you explain him to Buffy!'
He smiled faintly. Then his hands came up and he gripped her shoulders in return. 'Bring him back to me. Please give me a chance to love, and be loved by my son.'
She leant forwards and kissed his cheek gently. 'I will. But there's something you need to do while I'm gone.' He looked at her, questioningly. 'I need you to think about Wesley-'
'No way Cordelia, no way! He stole Connor from me. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be trying to prove to my son that I didn't kill the man he thinks of as his father.' He paused, letting much of the anger bleed out of his stance 'I lost the chance to watch my son grow, all the firsts I wanted to be there for, and I never will.'
'I know Angel. I was there, and I loved baby Connor too. But this wasn't all Wesley's fault. No, listen. It wasn't. It's not like you've never gone evil before. All those prophecies that he found, saying you'd kill Connor.'
'I would never hurt Connor.' Angel growled.
'No. You wouldn't, but Angelus would. He would've loved to get his teeth into him. None of us talked about it, we never wanted to upset you. God, even I'm not that tactless, but you know it had occurred to all of us. Wes was wrong not to tell us what he was scared of, no doubt about it. But Sah Jean took thousands of years to set it up. Is it that amazing that Wes fell for it? Because ya know, thousand year old prophecies coming true. That never happens in our lives.'
'I hear what you're saying Cordy, I do. But how can I forgive him? He didn't just not trust me; he didn't trust any of you enough to tell you what was going on. That was all he had to do to stop all of this. Just trust you, us. We're meant to be a team.'
'The way you trusted us last year with Darla and Dru? How you were so honest about sleeping with Darla?' Angel fidgeted, looking down again. 'You fired us, and that hurt a lot. I know you had your reasons, but I didn't know that then. Wes is the same.' Seeing that Angel still didn't look convinced, she reached for his hand 'you remember back in high school, when you were Angelus? When you and Buffy got possessed by that teacher and the student that shot her? Well, Giles said something to Buffy. He said "To forgive is an act of compassion. We don't do it because it's deserved, but because it's needed."'
Angel looked at her from beneath hooded eyes. 'Giles is a smart guy. He doesn't know everything though.'
'I know that. But Angel, he was right about this. Wes is falling further and further into darkness. I feel it every time I think of him. We need to bring him back. That's the mission isn't it? Things have changed Angel. You and Buffy, you can have a life, you can have children together. I can't see the future, but I know that's possible. I promise you I'll get Connor back here. You'll have your chance with him. Everything is coming together for you, can't you share a little of the wealth with Wes? Give him the same chance we gave you?'
Angel raised his eyebrows 'I thought you said that that all wasn't my fault?'
'It wasn't, but we didn't know that. We gave you a chance anyway. We risk our lives for people we don't know all the time. Can't you open your heart for someone who was a friend? Who fought the battle at your side, even though he didn't have to?'
Staring into her beautiful brown eyes, Angel felt his heart begin to soften. Maybe she was right. If anyone knew about needing forgiveness, it was him. 'I'll think about it. I won't promise anything, but I'll think about it.'
'That's all I needed to hear.' She kissed his cheek, and smiled 'I'm outta here.' Then she faded out, leaving Angel alone in the hotel with his thoughts.
TBC
I know I've got the time lines a bit screwed up, but it's close enough to still work (I think so anyway, as the story would need some major rejigging if it doesn't!!).
This chapter is shorter than the first two, but I think it's as long as it needs to be. Some of Cordy's stuff is a bit ooc, but she's growing a changing as a Higher Being. That's my idea and I'm sticking to it.
As usual, anything in italics is thought.
See first 2 chapters for disclaimers.
Enjoy.
~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#
Reappearing in the non physical realm, Cordelia glared at Skip 'what did you do that for?! We were getting somewhere, but there are so many ways that that lot could still screw up that touching reconciliation! I need to get back down there before Xander makes the lame crack that ends the world.'
'No Cordelia. As a Higher Being, all you can do is guide people, put things in their proper place. After that, you have to leave humans to do what they want.' He sighed. 'This whole free will thing's a bitch.'
'What? I do all that and then I just have to leave it all up to them! Do you have any idea of how many bad decisions they are capable of making? I mean, I know Buffy spent the night in a crypt, but even so..did you that outfit! Is she trying to remind us she was dead by still looking like it!'
'Calm down. Your involvement with that group isn't finished. Now you need to get some of the other players into the game though.' He paused; this was going to be tricky. 'It's important that you remember what you've become Cordelia. You aren't human anymore, and neither is your heart.'
'What does that mean?' Cordelia asked, slightly annoyed. 'Do I need to practise being all crypticie and unhelpful to anyone who's actually trying to do some good?'
Skip sighed 'No. We are trying to help you know. You'll start to understand just how much we help soon. You're one of us now. You have to bare that in mind, even when you don't want to.'
'What aren't you telling me Skip? Why the sudden pep talk?' She eyed him warily, where is he going with this? Why do I get the feeling the catch in this free lunch is about to make it's self known?
'It's not that bad Cordelia, really.' He smiled at her encouragingly.
She stared back at him, and suddenly did the non-corporeal equivalent of stamping her foot. 'No fair reading my mind. I can't read your mind - Hey, why can't I read your mind? If you can read my mind, why can't I read yours?'
'You are reading my mind Cordelia. We don't have mouths or ears up here. How else do you think we communicate? You don't have the experience to pick up anything other than the thoughts I'm directing at you. Give it time, and you'll be able to pick up whatever I'm thinking. We do try and be polite about it though, and not listen in on the really private stuff. Total honesty makes for a really uncomfortable work place!'
'Riiight. Okay Skip. Now you've sufficiently weirded me out, could we get back to the whole remember you're not human trip?'
'Sure. You're next assignment.'
'Uh huh?'
'It's Angel.' 'Oh.'
'Yeah. Oh. Look, I know you were in love with him, and he was in love with you, but the thing is, you aren't meant to be together. What you two feel for each other is based in comfort, and missing the one you are meant to be with. And the fact that you're both hot. He's meant for someone else down there, and you are meant for someone else up here.' He smiled gently. 'You already knew that though, didn't you? You knew it as soon as you saw Buffy.'
'I..yeah, I guess..I really did love him though. Do love him. Shit. I'm not going to change who I am because I've become I higher being. You can't tell me who to love.'
'I know that Cordelia, we wouldn't even try. But who do you know who's already been tested, made the ultimate sacrifice? Who loved you when you were human, even though he knew all your faults, and has loved you ever since?'
She stared at him, stunned. Hope filled her voice as she stretched out her senses, looking for some sign of him 'Doyle? Doyle's up here? Where is he? I want to see him!! Why can't I sense him?'
'He's on assignment right now. The job he's doing is really important, and he hasn't been told about you. If he had, he'd just blow it off and come and see you. He's in D.C, trying to sort out a couple of whacked out FBI agents. Anyway, if you get this job finished, maybe you can go and join him. Hell,' ha muttered to himself, 'they might have got themselves killed by then and he'll be back here with you.' He straightened, concentrating solely on Cordelia again. 'Right now, your priority is Angel. Find him, save him, sort him out, get the rest of the group together and get them all back to the hellmouth. The relationships in your little group make the Medici look simple and straightforward.'
'That's it. Fix that group of emotional screw ups? Why don't you give me something simple for my first job, like, I don't know, world peace? Fixing the environment? Getting Britney Spears a decent wardrobe? That lot have done nothing but tie themselves in emotional knots for the last six years, and you just tell me to fix it!'
'Yeah. No one said it was going to be easy.' He paused and looked at her as if assessing her. 'They're your friends Cordelia, and the world needs them. They all need to be working together to be effective in the future.' Again, he paused. Cordelia got the feeling he was weighing how much to tell her. 'Your ascension was foretold, and your part in uniting the champions. You can do it, but not if you sit on your ass up here whining about it. Time's a'whasting. Get down there girl.'
'Fine. Thanks for the advice! It was really useful in a totally not at all way. If you're through with not telling me anything useful, just adding a whole heap of pressure, I'll go and find Angel. And I do love him. So there.' Great exit line Cordy, maybe you could blow a raspberry next!
There's nothing wrong with loving your friends Cordelia. And you can do this; no one doubts that except you.'
Cordelia just glared at him, then faded out. She tried focusing her senses while she was still fuming over what Skip had said, but found she couldn't see anything past her own anger, so she shunted it aside, calming herself so she could find Angel amongst the population of L.A. Think Yoda. fear, anger, hate, all dark sidey. Don't wanna go there. Okay, I'm calm. The Power's never told me anything simple before. Why should that change now? And I get to see Doyle again! Oh thank you thank you thank you. Okay Cordy, focus. Find Angel. Shouldn't be too difficult. Think big guilt and not Willow. Gotcha - Huh? What are you doing in the middle of the bay? I really hope part of this Higher being stuff is having water resistant hair!! Here goes!
Concentrating on Angel, Cordelia found her essence under about ten meters of water, and facing a big metal.coffin? Whatever. Explanations later, save Angel now. Reaching through the steel holding him, she wrapped her essence around him, and transported them both into the Hyperion's lobby.
'Cordelia?!! Wha-? Huh? I don't understan-, Conner! Oh my God. Cordelia! He thinks I killed him, but I didn't, I swear I didn't! I know you told me not to go, or to tell Conner, and I didn't, but I should have, and now - Oh God. I swear it wasn't me! You have to believe I didn't do it, but now he hates me even more -'
As Angels emotions were as confused as his words, Cordelia didn't have a clue what was going on. All she was getting from him was a messy swirl of pain and darkness and confusion. 'Wow there. Take a second Angel. I'm here to help, but I need to know what happened.and how did you end up at the bottom of the bay?'
He stared at her, finally taking in their surroundings, and the fact that Cordelia was glowing 'what happened to you? How - how did we get here?'
'You know we arranged to meet at the cliff, and we were gonna have that talk and all that, and I didn't quite make it?'
'Actually, no. You were late, and then Connor pushed me off the cliff and electrocuted me. I never realised you didn't make it.' A horrible thought occurred to him. 'Are you dead? Did something happen to you because I wasn't there when you arrived?'
Sensing his habit of blaming himself for things that he couldn't possibly control kicking in, Cordelia answered him quickly 'not everything revolves around you, you know. I was on my way to meet you, when time stopped.'
'What?'
'Don't interrupt, okay? So, yeah, time stopped and Skip appeared. Long story short?' Angel nodded 'The PTB gave me a promotion. Cause of the visions and everything, I'm a Higher Being now. And for my first job, I get to sort out you lot. Good thing I never asked for an easy life!'
'Wait a minute.' Angel was struggling to get his head round what Cordelia had just told him. 'You're a Higher Being now?'
'Uh huh'
'And you have even more powers?'
'Uh huh'
'And you're here to help all of us?'
'That was quite the recap. Do you think we could move this conversation forward now?'
'Sure. Sorry. So, how are you here to help us?'
'Well, I've just been to Sunnydale, and started things off. They're all.not dead. Things are kind of screwed up at the moment, but with my help, it's getting sorted.' At Angels raised eyebrow, Cordelia became indignant. 'What, you think I couldn't help the all powerful Scooby Gang! They're screwed up even worse than we are! Wes might've stolen Conner, but at least he didn't try and end the world! And I fixed the Magic Box, and Giles! I - ' She paused. An idea flickered in the back of her mind. It was important, she knew, but she couldn't quite grasp it. '- That's not important now. What's important is you. Tell me what happened with Conner.' She could have just taken the information from his mind, but Angel needed to talk about it, or he'd go into major brood mode. Also, all the emotions whizzing around him, including those of the demon inside him, were making her nauseous.
He let Cordelia lead him over to the couch, and collapsed onto it. Everything that had happened was chasing round in his mind. He just couldn't get a handle on everything that had happened. 'He was waiting for me, on the cliff where we were supposed to meet. All the stuff I taught him, the fighting, he used it against me. He pushed me down the cliff, and we fought more on the beech, but he had a tazor. Eventually he knocked me out with it.' He clenched and unclenched his fists as he spoke, still unable to believe what had happened. He'd thought he was finally getting through to his son, making some sort of connection. Oh God.
Cordelia took both of his hands in hers, holding them gently. She felt the tickle of that idea again, but it was gone before she could work out what it was. 'Go on.'
'When I came too, I was already in the box. He was nailing me in, and Justine was there too. He told me I'd murdered his father, and now I'd have eternity to think about what I'd done. But I didn't do it Cordy. I swear to you, the last time I saw Holtz, he was alive, and he wanted Conner to be with me. He said so. I couldn't convince him. I tried, but I couldn't make him believe that I love him, and for that reason alone, I would never hurt Holtz.'
Angel's conversation was erratic, jumping from subject to subject with out any indication of who or when. Without the whole soul reading thing, I'd have no clue what he was talking about. The idea came again, brushing the edges of her conscious mind, but not letting her grab onto it. Still holding Angels hands, she sighed, then glared at the ceiling. If you want me to do something, just tell me already!! Enough with the cryptic. I'm one of you now, remember!?' Cordy's angry conversation with the ceiling brought Angel back to reality. 'Cordy? Who are you talking to? Because we sealed the rift to the Kurtogh you know.'
'The Powers are trying to tell me something, except they're not actually telling me. It's more like "We know something you don't know, and you've got to guess what it is" Aargghh! You'd think they could just tell me!'
Skip appeared suddenly. Not the usual slow glow to reality, more like a flash, then there he was.
'Nice entrance. Needed a puff of smoke though.' Cordelia glared at him as she got to her feet, and then stalked towards him. 'What's going on? If it's so important to the Powers that I help this lot, why the cryptic? Why not just tell me what I need to do?'
'Because you have to learn to think like one of us.' He nodded to Angel, who nodded back. 'Hey.' Turning back to Cordelia, he continued 'you're not human anymore. You have to stop thinking like one. There's something you can do, right here, right now, which will go a long way to sorting this group out. Also, it puts an end to all sorts of bad ideas people have planned for Angel here.' As Cordelia continued to stare at him, none the wiser, Skip shrugged. 'Already said more than I should of. You gotta figure this one out by yourself. I'm outta here.' With that, he flashed out.
They were left staring at each other. After so many years, neither of them could believe that what Skip had not at all subtly hinted was that easy.
Angel spoke first 'it couldn't be that easy. No way. He must have meant something else, right?' He stared at the floor, afraid to let Cordelia see the hope in his eyes. Of course, she could sense it from him, but his thought process was well below realising that. 'No. He had to mean something else. I mean, I know it says that I'll have my shanshu eventually, but I've got so much more to make up for first.last year.'
Cordelia looked at him, really looked with all her new senses. 'No.'
'What?'
'No. You don't have anything to make up for.' Angel looked at her like she was insane, so she tried to explain what she had seen when she looked at hard at his soul. 'Your soul didn't do anything wrong. Sure, your body did some really horrible things, but not when the soul was in charge.' As Angel's expression hadn't changed, Cordelia tried a different tack. 'Look, who do you blame if there's a car crash, the car or the driver? Your body is like the car, and either your soul or the demon is the driver. Your body doesn't have control over what it does. If Fred crashed Gunn's truck, we wouldn't blame Gunn, just because his name's on the owners papers.'
'Then why was I told I had to find redemption? Why did Whistler find me and show me Buffy? Why.' he gestured around him 'all of this?'
'Because of the guilt.'
'What! I thought you just said I wasn't guilty! I'm the car?' 'Not the guilt you should feel, the guilt you DO feel. See, when the gypsies cursed you, and you - you the soul you - came back, the first thing you were told was that you should feel guilty for everything your body had done, when you weren't in it. All the memories came back, and the only thing the soul understood was that it should feel guilty. It had the memories of what it's - your body had done, so it felt guilty. People have been unable to tell the difference between you and the demon, and he still lives inside you. You have to fight him everyday. I can see that now. You have to fight for redemption, not because the Powers need it, but because your soul needs it. Your soul has been tortured for so long; the only way it will ever rest is if it atones for the crimes done by its body when it wasn't in residence. Unless I can convince you it really wasn't your fault. It wasn't. I believe that. I can literally see the truth of that now. When I look in you, I can see your soul. It's different from most of the souls I've seen. Admittedly, I've not seen that many, but I have seen one. One that matches your soul completely. They're not the same exactly, but they belong together. The darkness and the light, the fear and the courage in your soul, belong totally with only one other, and oh my God I can't believe I'm saying this. You were right. Buffy Summers is your one true love. Your souls match up in a way that I think doesn't happen very often.'
Angel was feeling pretty much every emotion possible at this moment. Cordelia had to do the sixth sense equivalent of sticking her fingers in her ears and screwing her eyes shut so she didn't get washed away by all that emotion. 'So you're saying that I should never have left her? That all of this -' He made a sweeping gesture with his arm, indicating the Hyperion, and the offices of Angel Investigations, which is what Cordy figured he actually meant '- is wrong! No I don't accept that! Look how many people we've saved Cordy. This isn't wrong. It hurt like hell, literally, and still does, but it can't be wrong. It can't be.'
'No, it's not. That's not what I meant. You were right to leave her, and Sunnydale, when you did. The reminders of the past, and the guilt there were always too close. She was to close. You never could have stayed away from her, and you always would have been in her shadow. Hell, if you hadn't come to L.A, I'd be dead, Wes'd still be dressing in leathers, which is a fate worse than death. Fred'd still be in Pylia. God knows where Gunn would be. You had to come here. You've changed so much. You've become so much more confident. You smile now, you laugh. You used to brood. That was pretty much it.' She smiled at him, proud of what he had done, and of knowing that she had helped. 'You had her on a pedestal before. That wasn't healthy, for either of you. Now you can meet her on equal ground. You're destined for each other.' She could feel his happiness, his fear, and she caught another whiff of guilt, this time directed at her. 'Oh please. You think you broke my heart!? Ha. I love you Angel, I really do. But can you really imagine us together? As someone explained to me recently, it was familiarity and comfort between us, not true love. We're both destined to be with someone else, and we both know who they are.'
'I'm sorry. You were just always there. You were safe.'
'You were the same. I guess I knew subconsciously that Gru wasn't the one, so I turned to you as an escape route.'
'Wait a minute, if not Gru, then who? Who are you destined to be with?'
She grinned at him, then answered simply 'Doyle.' Before Angel could ask any of the questions that were swirling in his mind, she said 'We can do Q and A later first, let's get you sorted so we can move on. This may take a while.' She said as she placed her hands on the sides of his head, the heels of her hands running along his jaw, her thumbs just below his eyes. 'Also, I have no idea how I'm gonna do this.' She started to glow brighter.
'Wha-' Angel tried to step away from her, but she hung on, and the glow intensified slowly, until the room was filled with light so bright it was like looking at the sun.
As the light finally dimmed, Angel was on his knees in front of Cordy, his hands clamped over hers. When she let him go, he slumped down, letting his head touch the floor.
'Angel?' Cordy asked hesitantly. She wasn't sure if what she had tried to do had worked. 'Angel? Can you hear me?'
Slowly, he managed to push himself into a sitting position. As soon as she could actually look at him, she could see it had all worked perfectly. She let out a sigh of relief. 'What did you do Cordy?' He stared at her, filled with awe. He could feel his heart beating again, racing, thudding, pounding. Holy Jesus. 'What did you do?'
'Well, I remembered when you told us about getting the Oracles to turn back time, so I knew I couldn't make you normal human. Besides, even though you don't have anything to atone for, you have way too many enemies, not thinking of any demon law firms in particular, to just become a regular human. I'm not sure I could give you any new powers, so I concentrated on letting you keep the old ones.'
Angel nodded. 'With you so far.'
'Okay, so. The only thing keeping you well, undead, was the demon. I had to keep part of the demon, or your body would turn to dust while I was changing you. So, I took the strength, the healing, the eyesight, the hearing and the memories, and I kept them as part of you, while I got rid of the rest. Outcome is you're human, mortal, but with super powers. Kind of like a male Slayer in fact.
'Why did you make me keep the memories? I mean, thank you, this is..amazing. Unbelievable. I could never thank you for this. But why do I have to remember what I did?'
The pain in his voice defused a lot of Cordelias annoyance at him. 'You have to remember. Do you think you'd be able to fight so hard if you didn't remember just how much evil there is in the heart of a vampire? What would you do if you were faced with someone from your past, but you didn't know who they were? What about all the knowledge you gained that can help in the fight? I know it's hard, but the memories are part of who you are.'
He nodded, slowly climbing to his feet. 'So what else? Just how human am I?'
'Totally. You can do sunlight, crosses, holy water. Your soul and my powers cancel out any demon reaction to those things. You'll be able to see yourself in a mirror and you'll have to eat. When you use your super strength or speed, you'll have to eat a lot. A steak through the heart or decapitation will still kill you, but then, that's pretty normal.'
'That's it then? You glow and I'm human.' He stared at her. Part of him wanted to be angry. After all his hard work, it shouldn't have been this easy. The rest of him didn't care. He was human. He could be happy. He could be with Buffy. He could take her into the light and give her the life and the children - children. Connor. Abruptly, his happiness fled, leaving behind the gaping wound in his heart that Connor had left there. He stared at Cordy. 'I have to find him.'
'No. You have to wait here. I have to find him.'
'What! Cordy, I can't just leave him. He hates me! He thinks I killed Holtz. I have to convince him I didn't!'
'And that's exactly why you can't come. When the two of you get together there's emotions flying about everywhere. No one can think, Connor gets scared and starts lashing out at you, and you start accepting the blame for everything from the holocaust to bad haircuts. I need you to trust me with this one.' She smiled her beautiful smile, seeming to glow even brighter. 'I have a different perspective now. He can't hurt me and I'll be able to see why he's so convinced you killed Holtz.' Taking Angel by the shoulders, she made him look into her eyes. I'll bring him back for you Angel. I promise.' Then she grinned, wickedly. 'And then I'm going to take you all to Sunnydale and watch how you explain him to Buffy!'
He smiled faintly. Then his hands came up and he gripped her shoulders in return. 'Bring him back to me. Please give me a chance to love, and be loved by my son.'
She leant forwards and kissed his cheek gently. 'I will. But there's something you need to do while I'm gone.' He looked at her, questioningly. 'I need you to think about Wesley-'
'No way Cordelia, no way! He stole Connor from me. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be trying to prove to my son that I didn't kill the man he thinks of as his father.' He paused, letting much of the anger bleed out of his stance 'I lost the chance to watch my son grow, all the firsts I wanted to be there for, and I never will.'
'I know Angel. I was there, and I loved baby Connor too. But this wasn't all Wesley's fault. No, listen. It wasn't. It's not like you've never gone evil before. All those prophecies that he found, saying you'd kill Connor.'
'I would never hurt Connor.' Angel growled.
'No. You wouldn't, but Angelus would. He would've loved to get his teeth into him. None of us talked about it, we never wanted to upset you. God, even I'm not that tactless, but you know it had occurred to all of us. Wes was wrong not to tell us what he was scared of, no doubt about it. But Sah Jean took thousands of years to set it up. Is it that amazing that Wes fell for it? Because ya know, thousand year old prophecies coming true. That never happens in our lives.'
'I hear what you're saying Cordy, I do. But how can I forgive him? He didn't just not trust me; he didn't trust any of you enough to tell you what was going on. That was all he had to do to stop all of this. Just trust you, us. We're meant to be a team.'
'The way you trusted us last year with Darla and Dru? How you were so honest about sleeping with Darla?' Angel fidgeted, looking down again. 'You fired us, and that hurt a lot. I know you had your reasons, but I didn't know that then. Wes is the same.' Seeing that Angel still didn't look convinced, she reached for his hand 'you remember back in high school, when you were Angelus? When you and Buffy got possessed by that teacher and the student that shot her? Well, Giles said something to Buffy. He said "To forgive is an act of compassion. We don't do it because it's deserved, but because it's needed."'
Angel looked at her from beneath hooded eyes. 'Giles is a smart guy. He doesn't know everything though.'
'I know that. But Angel, he was right about this. Wes is falling further and further into darkness. I feel it every time I think of him. We need to bring him back. That's the mission isn't it? Things have changed Angel. You and Buffy, you can have a life, you can have children together. I can't see the future, but I know that's possible. I promise you I'll get Connor back here. You'll have your chance with him. Everything is coming together for you, can't you share a little of the wealth with Wes? Give him the same chance we gave you?'
Angel raised his eyebrows 'I thought you said that that all wasn't my fault?'
'It wasn't, but we didn't know that. We gave you a chance anyway. We risk our lives for people we don't know all the time. Can't you open your heart for someone who was a friend? Who fought the battle at your side, even though he didn't have to?'
Staring into her beautiful brown eyes, Angel felt his heart begin to soften. Maybe she was right. If anyone knew about needing forgiveness, it was him. 'I'll think about it. I won't promise anything, but I'll think about it.'
'That's all I needed to hear.' She kissed his cheek, and smiled 'I'm outta here.' Then she faded out, leaving Angel alone in the hotel with his thoughts.
TBC
