Upon Reflection
Part Two
The words echoed in his head as he stood staring once more at the mirror. He was alone this time, his companion from this afternoon safely tucked up asleep in bed. The past few hours had been torture for him, forced to socialise with the crew he'd finally pleaded exhaustion and hidden himself away in his quarters. Once there he'd paced the floor, waiting nervously for his chance to return, unobserved, to the holodeck.
He'd been afraid it was all a dream…that he'd get here and find them gone. But they were still there, smiling back at him. Red hair glinted in the sunshine as she reached down to pick up the child running towards her. Identical smiles turned towards him, warming his soul while simultaneously breaking his heart. A second child clambered into view, arms outstretched towards him. Smiling, Kathryn scooped him up, balancing a child on each hip.
'Back again, Commander?'
He'd been so engrossed in the images that he'd failed to notice that he was no longer alone. An old man, his hair and beard the colour of snow stood motionless by one of the discarded desks. Albus Dumbeldore. Naomi had pointed him out that afternoon, her voice filled with wonder.
'Forgive me…I didn't realise you were there.'
The old man seemed to grow sad at his words. Without warning he started to move, crossing the intervening space with a grace that belied his age.
'I see you, like hundreds before you, have discovered the delights of the Mirror of Erised. By now I expect you realise what it does?'
'I know what it doesn't do…' Chakotay whispered the words, '…it doesn't show the future.'
A soft sigh sounded from beside him.
'No…it doesn't. Let me explain. The happiest man on earth would be able to use the Mirror of Erised like a normal mirror, that is, he would look into it and see himself exactly as he is. For those of us less fortunate the mirror reveals nothing less that the deepest, most desperate desire of our hearts. However, be warned…this mirror will give us neither knowledge nor truth. Men have wasted away before it, entranced by what they have seen, or driven mad, not knowing if what it shows is real or even possible.'
'Do not condemn yourself to such a fate, Commander. It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.'
The words hung in the air long after the one who had uttered them had faded back into the shadows. Yet somewhere deep inside him a voice took up the chant, clearing a way through the memories of seven long years of frustrated dreams and squandered opportunities, to focus instead on the promise of the here and now.
A bittersweet smile tugged at his lips as he watched a Kathryn he would never know reach out to him, her eyes alight with equal measures of love and laughter.
Leaning forward he placed a soft kiss on her smiling lips.
'I love you, Kathryn…I always will…but I can't allow myself to be in love with you any longer. It's not fair on either of us. I don't expect you to understand, I barely understand it myself, but I hope one day you'll forgive me for what I'm about to do…'
His decision made, Voyagers first officer turned his back on seven years of dreams and strode purposefully out of the holodeck.
Epilogue
Chakotay approached the mirror with caution, remembering every detail of its ornate structure. Had it really been 11 years since he'd last laid eyes on it. 11 years to the day since he'd made the decision to turn his back on his dreams and seek out a future that didn't include Kathryn Janeway.
A reluctant smile tugged at the corner of his mouth as he marveled at the arrogance of youth. How could he ever have imagined he could live without her?
Not that he hadn't given it a damned good try.
The other day he'd been passing through Starfleet Headquarters when he'd caught a glimpse of Seven striding down a corridor with a gaggle of love struck assistants trailing in her wake.
The years had been kind to her, softening her features and stripping away that layer of aloofness that had held her apart from her peers for so long. Along the way she'd learned to smile, and used it to cut a swathe through the male population of San Francisco. The alpha male she'd craved so long ago still eluded her, yet she seemed content with her life, much to the distress of both B'Elanna and Kathryn who had made it their personal crusade to find her a partner. Rumour had it that single officers had taken to fleeing in terror when either woman entered a room. God help them when it was time for Miral and Leah to spread their wings…
His smile blossomed as thoughts of his family filled his mind as completely as they filled his life.
The last time he'd looked into the Mirror of Erised it was to see an image that had seemed unattainable. Kathryn, her eyes alight with laughter as she balanced a baby on her hips. At her feet a toddler sat playing, his little face screwed up in concentration as he added a splash of colour to the paper spread out in front of him.
The last time he'd walked away. It was a mistake he never intended to repeat.
Reaching out he cleared away the dust from the inscription that danced around the rim of the mirror.
'I show not your face but your hearts desire.'
Dumbledore had claimed that the happiest man on earth would be able to use the Mirror of Erised as he would a normal mirror, that is, he would he himself exactly as he was.
Curiosity had him shifting his position, his breath hitching in anticipation.
'Chakotay?'
Another voice reached out to him, drawing his gaze from the man captured in the glass to the shadows that draped themselves against the walls.
'Darling…are you all right? Our guests will be arriving soon and Leah refuses to go to sleep unless you tuck her in…'
The scent of roses tickled his nose, intensifying as she moved to stand beside him. Her attention however, was focused on the ancient mirror.
He was about to speak when she pulled away from him; her gaze fixed on the mirror with an intensity that terrified him.
'Kathryn, what is it … what do you see?'
Sighing softly to herself Kathryn reached out, her fingers leaving a trail of dust particles trailing in their wake.
'Relax Chakotay… its just another gray hair!'
Slender fingers located the errant
strand, tucking it carefully out of sight. Satisfied with the image
staring back at her Kathryn turned, planting a teasing kiss on her
husband's cheek. If she noticed a slight tremor in the hand she
captured she made no mention of it, the sparkle in Chakotay's eyes
reassuring her more than a million words ever could.
