A Florist's Weekend

Aya – Four White Walls

     Four white walls.  They are the same four white walls that I have had the pleasure to stare at every time I come here.  How many times have I sat in this same room?  A faint beep was the only answer I got.  It was the only answer I ever got in this room.  And I sure had asked a lot of questions.  Questions like Why? and How?  The answer was always the same, just a beep.  I didn't know whether or not I wanted to hate that beep.  It was always taunting me and teasing me.  And yet it was the only thing that registered my sister as being alive.  Isn't it twisted that such a small noise should have that much effect?

     I should be considering myself to be lucky.  I am, after all alive.  My sister is technically alive.  I snorted to myself.  Living, it's another one of those ironies of the world.  A person so full of life at one time has now been reduced to living from a tube.  I don't even know if I could even consider myself to be living.  I go though the motions everyday, but that's all they are, just the motions.  It's as though I was in my own walking comma. 

     That's why they'll never understand me.  How can I possible live while my sister remains in a constant sleep?  I cannot allow myself to feel until my sister opens her eyes.  And even though I tell this to myself the images of them appear in my head.  Are they my friends?  Or simply my coworkers whom are there to do their jobs?  More questions follow, for I never get any answers.  When was it I allowed myself to be concerned with others?  It seems they have all slowly made their way past my cold outside, whether they were aware of it or not.  And then there's Ken.

     He seems to be at the front of the ranks.  I noticed him first of all.  I tried to push him out of my mind.  I didn't need him.  I didn't need any of them.  Yet sometimes in the shop as we were working, he'd say something, or move in a certain way that held so much spirit I couldn't help but be reminded of my sister.  That was how I played it at first.  'He reminds you of Aya,' I told myself.  I think I might have believed it.  I could have fooled myself to continue to believe that, content with just being around him.  And then I noticed somebody else.  I began to realize that I was losing Ken.  I hadn't even known that I had had him or that I wanted him before I realized that Youji was taking him away.

     I'd like to try to convince myself that I didn't notice until it was too late, but why should I continue to fool myself.  I had watched Ken enough to know when someone else was watching him.  Youji always had an advantage over me, at least he talked to Ken, teased him now and then.  The most Ken got from me was a word or two at the most.  I probably scared him with my coldness.  No, I take that back I know I scared him away with my coldness.  However at the moment all this was lost on me as I was still convincing myself that I didn't need him.  I didn't need anybody except her.  That morning when I saw them together, I didn't want to believe it.  I heard Omi say that Ken had spent the night in his room with him.  I was shocked, or should I say surprised.  But I could have quickly put them aside.  It was only when I saw them together when I knew I had lost.  That's funny.  I had lost something I barely even knew I had wanted.  Wait, not funny, more ironic.  I saw the way they were together, their body language and their words.  It would have been nothing to a causal passerby, but it was then that I saw how they fit together. 

     The rest of the day I tried to push it aside.  But the more I thought about it the more I knew what I wanted.  I wanted Ken.  Youji showed me what I was missing out on by just watching Ken.  I wanted more then to just watch Ken, I wanted him to know.  To know what I wasn't sure.  I guess I just wanted him to know me.  The real me and not some emotionless ice cube.  The longer they were gone the more I went crazy thinking about what I was missing.  I had finally decided to go see her.  She always listened.  Even if she didn't respond I knew she was there.

     I think my heart dropped.  I had just disturbed them as the stood outside the door.  Ken against the wall, Youji leaning over him.  For a moment I was almost happy that I had disrupted them.  That's when I knew I had officially lost.  I knew then that I would never be that close to Ken.  I could never be that close to Ken for I could never be what he needed.  I only hope that Youji was up to that challenge.

     Since I've been here today I've been wondering just how long before Youji leaves Ken.  Maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better, with some wishful thinking.  But Youji's not exactly the type to stick around forever.  One only has to look at that womanizer to know that he has the record for one night stands.  So how long exactly will Youji be happy with a man?  I looked over at Aya again, her position remains the same, and the beep remains constant.  That's a big surprise.  They only thing I can do is watch.  I watch Aya in her deep sleep.  I watched Ken in all his ways, good and bad.  I watched Youji steal him away.  And now I have to watch them be together, while watching myself slip away under my mask.

     "Sir visiting hours will be ending soon."  A female nurse informs me as she pops her head in the door.  I nod before brushing a strand of hair off Aya's face.  I stand to leave, taking another glance, quickly wondering how things would be different if Aya had never been hurt in this way.  Maybe in another life I could have allowed someone in.  I turn to leave, glaring again at those four white walls and their ever present beep.      

Well I think that this is done.  I was going to write a part on Omi's point of view, but I decided against it since it would have been more of a stand alone fic, because there wasn't really that much to do with the whole YoujixKenxAya triangle.  Besides this fanfic was started so long ago so I happy that it's at least finished so I don't feel so guilty when I write on my other stories.  Thanks for the comments.