Author's Note: Chapter 6 of 8

Anvil: River is not physically present with Mal, he can't see her. Memories are italics, and any words directed at River herself are just thoughts, like in Objects in Space.

Summary: In her search to find refuge from her nightmares, River becomes trapped in the hellish landscape of Mal's memories. Back at the abbey, uncertainty of another betrayal threatens to tear apart what has been mended.

Choices

"He had held good ground before and sent off appeals, and help never came. He was very low on faith. It was a kind of gray sickness; it weakened the hands. It wasn't the dying. He had seen men die all his life, and death was the luck of chance, the price you eventually paid. What was worse was the stupidity. The appalling sick stupidity that was so bad you thought sometimes you would go suddenly, violently, completely insane just having to watch it. It was a deadly thing to be thinking on. Job to be done here. And all of it turns on faith." - The Killer Angels

"We're All Dreaming" part II

Water surrounds him, falling from above. In the blackness he can hear a river flooding past on one side. Suddenly in the water, his body floats downstream. The sound grows louder, and a cascade of whitewater catches him and pulls him down.

Simon jerks awake as the sensation of falling overtakes him. His eyes open in a panic, then slam back shut as the sudden movement makes his ribs protest. Kaylee raises her head in alarm from where it was nestled next to Simon's, her legs curled under her where she sits on the floor next to the bed. She looks at Simon, so close to her, and places a soothing hand on the side of his face.

Wash slides the door of the guestroom shut, muffling the sound of the rain again. He drops a heavy bag on the floor with a metallic clatter and smiles apologetically. Kaylee gives him an aggravated look, then turns back to Simon, nearly wrapped in her arms.

"What time is it?" Simon asks when he finally opens his eyes, his face still too pale.

Outside the noon bells begin to ring, mingling with the rain.

He takes in his surroundings. Rumpled low beds and paper thin dividing walls. Kaylee hovering close to him, a gentle hand on his face. He leans back into the crook of her arm, smiles a grimace as he asks, "How . . . ?"

"You know kid, you're not so much with the lightness." Wash drops another bag on the floor with a thunk, muzzles and butt stocks sticking haphazardly out, next to the metal stretcher and the first bag. He gives their relative positions a fleeting glance, amused, Simon still resting in Kaylee's arms.

The gray light is brighter, but the room is still murky, and Wash flicks on the overhead lights, making Simon and Kaylee squint. Outside a steady drum of rain falls, insulating the room in a cocoon of heavy sound.

Simon tries to sit and can't.

Kaylee sits ups straighter to try and stop him, "Simon, honey, you really should--"

He rolls onto his side, swinging his legs toward the floor and stops, unable to move further as his body nearly doubles in pain.

Kaylee says in exasperation, "Told you!" She tries to stand up to help him. Her legs have fallen asleep and she doesn't get very far, wincing.

Wash walks over and grabs Simon's arm above the bicep.

The doctor looks up at him in surprise and more than a little trepidation. Seeing no menace in Wash's face, and perhaps even a little regret, he grabs back and allows the pilot to roughly pull him to sitting. Kaylee catches him as he sways on Wash's release.

"Simon?" she asks in concern, his eyes screwed back shut in pain.

He grabs her steadying hand and squeezes, trying to speak evenly, "I'm fine."

A tap at the door, followed by continued thrum of rain, causes the three to still.

Wash stares at the other two, eyes wide with fear, as he stage-whispers in mock fright, "They found us!"

***

Blackness surrounds her, the silence so thick only blood hums in her ears. Downward she drifts into the abyss, the water chillingly warm around her, cradling her, caressing her skin, stroking her hair. No dreams. No thoughts, no intrusive memories. Not even her own. Only the black and the endless fall.

In her room, River slumps against the wall, eyes half closed, her face peaceful.

***

"Serenity."

The fed, a gray-haired man with a hardened face, looks at Mal blankly.

"My ship," Mal says pointedly, "Name's Serenity."

Muscles in the feds jaw tighten, he puts down the notes in front of him and walks over to where Mal sits on a bench. Mal gives an innocent smile, giving his shoulders a shrug to ease the tension from his cuffed hands, still secured behind him.

"I was there, Captain Reynolds. Lost a lot of good soldiers in that valley. You'd best walk lightly." The fed sits on the edge of the table, leaning in close. "Don't make this any more difficult than it has to be."

Mal watches him coldly as the fed stands, resuming his former position near the other end of the table.

***

Wash stares at Simon with big round eyes, clutching dramatically at his heart.

Another tap, this time followed by, "Don't make me hurt you," sends Wash scampering to the door, which he slides open to the rain and a shadowed figure.

Zoe stands on the other side, laden with trays of steaming food. At her feet water courses in between the stones.

Wash grabs a basket of bread and the pot of tea, and Kaylee finally manages to rise, making a face at her numb legs, to grab a tray of clay cups and bowls.

They set it all on a low table, and Wash makes obscene noises as he lifts a lid and declaring a little too loudly, "She cooked!" He wins a hesitant smile from Kaylee as well as a roll of her eyes.

Zoe only smiles patiently at him, "Don't be naive, husband. The rest of the abbey is having their lunch, and offered this." She looks at the others, "I suggest that everyone stay here, stay quiet. We've had enough curiosity brought down on us for one day."

Kaylee's smile slips away, staring at the food, her appetite gone. Wash looks to Zoe at the reminder, his face suddenly grim.

Simon turns a pale face to her, "How is he?"

She gives back a steady look as Wash pulls a table up to Simon, "He's fine."

They all seat themselves around the low table as Zoe begins to pour tea, "I think even Jayne will be impressed with the stitches when he wakes up. We'll just make sure he's tied down when that happens."

Simon smiles weakly and doesn't push the matter as he catches a fleeting warning in her eyes.

Kaylee fixes a plate for Simon and herself while Zoe settles comfortably next to Wash.

Zoe grabs a biscuit while her other hand grabs one of the bags and pulls it closer, fishing around inside. She pulls out a handsome gun and turns it in her hand.

She notices Kaylee watching her silently and puts the gun out of sight.

"You'd think we were going into battle," Kaylee says softly.

Wash loads his own plate with food as he replies carefully, "Jayne never sleeps well without his arsenal."

Kaylee gives him a dirty look, not believing a word of it.

Wash protests, "Some people have bankies, Jayne has a Binkie. We should all just be grateful he doesn't sleepwalk."

***

Darkness holds her fast, and it feels like it will go on forever. In the blackness of the abyss an even darker void seems to rush up to meet her in its inevitability. Her heart beats faster as an undulating blackness rises up around her. Distant, yet vast enough to swallow up the lesser darkness above her. Ridges and peaks.

Mountains.

River continues to fall into the chasm, and raises her eyes up, seeing faint stars wavering high and remote above as the encircling ridge continues to swallow up the sky, and it seems that it will continue until none is left.

Her feet touch something yielding. Her weight slowly settles at the bottom of the valley, her hands sinking into warmth. She blinks past the black, forces herself to see as her hair floats down around her eyes.

By then she doesn't need to, as her hand pushes past something slippery and meets bone.

She writhes away, but all around her are bloated bodies. Her foot sinks into a rotten stomach, hands scraping past ribs to the spine. Empty eyes stare up at her. Men, women, fallen haphazardly or piled with purpose. Bodies not complete, burned, decayed. They are everywhere and she can't escape the carnage.

River begins screaming.

***

Inara sits up in her cell in fright as she hears River faintly through the thick blank wall.

"Xiao jie," she murmurs.

***

"What happened to your face?" The fed asks, his voice lacking in concern.

"Doctor shot me, seemed to be a mite upset over his patient being arrested." Mal brightens, "That would be your fault!"

Absently, ignoring Mal, "How is it that you are protecting a man who tried to kill you?"

"Because . . ." Mal says with infinite patience, "He may still be on my ship, and if you noticed, I'm not in the mood to be sending my crew to prison for charges that ain't true."

The older man takes this in, only believing half.

He looks at notes, changing tack, "Says here you originated out of Shadow."

***

She fights towards the surface, through the silence of her empty scream. The black turning to a deep blue, and growing brighter, lighter.

With a burst of seemingly deafening sound, a gentle breeze buffets her ears, cools the tears streaming down her cheeks, stilling her screams.

Endless fields, rolling to the horizon. The sky so blue it is ethereal. A sprawl of houses, barns and outbuildings, nestled on the north side of the hill. Smoke rises from the chimneys, catching on the wind, drifting up past where the hill meets the sky.

A woman stands on the crest, her handsome face weathered, hair still dark despite her years.

Panting for breath in gulping sobs, River begins to walk unsteadily up the hill, eyeing the horizon warily. Terrified at what she knows now will most certainly come.

"Remember what it was like to feel safe?" Mal's voice drifts faintly on the wind, "I knew a place like this."

***

Mal turns a blank look on the fed.

"Not many people made it out of Shadow," the fed says deliberately.

Cold blue eyes pierce the fed, "I wouldn't take to bragging that about while wearing that uniform."

***

River stops, halfway up the hill, and sees the white swirl from the chimney joined by another cloud, mingling to gray until the new black smoke rises dominant into the sky.

"No!" River cries, staring up in horror.

The woman watches River as she begins retreating down the hill. The flames come up from behind and engulf the dark haired woman, spreading through the grass in a wall of orange that leaves only blackness behind, racing towards River.

River clutches at her head as she runs, "This isn't happening!" She closes her eyes and pushes it back, insisting, "He didn't see it."

The roar and crackle of the fire ceases.

When she opens her eyes, the grass sways in the breeze, and a man stands on the hill.

***

The fed smiles at the nerve he just struck, "It's funny that a flag came up on a man from Shadow. Suspected of black market trade."

Mal's face pales slightly. In a deadpan voice, "Is that so?"

***

The wind picks up, the grass shimmering and flattening. A woman, glinting auburn hair, and two small children join the man on the hill. They each pick up a child and begin to walk away from the white curl of smoke. The dark haired woman appears, watches them as they wade through the sea of grass.

River watches them, a safe distance away, her brow furrowed. "Wasn't there."

The four figures disappear into the grass, leaving only the woman on the hilltop.

"Back and back again," River realizes, "It doesn't stop."

***

"We've sent our ships to the ranch of one Mr. Farrel. We're not going to find your ship-- or Doctor Tam-- there, are we?" His voice holds the promise of a threat.

Mal's face goes a little colder, "I surely hope not."

"Then why don't we try this again. Where is Simon Tam?"

Mal doesn't answer.

The fed sits on the edge of the table, "Where is your ship, Serenity?"

Mal's jaw works, "Go to hell."

***

River kneels in the grass, rocking as she fights to keep the fire at bay.

Under the wind, she hears a familiar voice, soothing round sounds mingling with the whispering of the grass.

"Not many would take them in . . . "

The voice grows stronger. River stands, searches the sky for hope, turns her back on the hill, the sky behind her darkening again with black smoke.

". . . wondering why a man so anxious to fly under Alliance radar would house known fugitives . . ."

***

"Why did you?" The fed asks in barely concealed antipathy.

Mal thinks a moment, then says quietly, "I didn't know who they were."

"Their warrants have been posted on the Cortex, don't you check the bulletins?"

Mal deadpans, "Well, I'm a simple man. More of a picture-book fan than a reader of words myself. The arrest warrants you had up were kinda lacking in the one. I hear tell that wanted men change their names. Not releasing their photos just sets honest men like me up for falling in with the wrong folks. "

"So you plead innocence to the charges against you and your crew?"

He leans in close to her, whispering, "If anything happens, this will be as good an excuse as any."

"Mal," Inara protests through gritted teeth, glancing around the bar.

"Ignorant, I'd like to make that distinction." Mal smiles.

"The only thing that will protect us now is ignorance. If it comes to it, if they find us out, just stick to the story." His eyes drift over Inara's face, "What happened back at Ariel City was too close for comfort."

River latches on, follows the voices, leaving the grass and the fire behind

and stumbles into the room with Mal. She sighs with relief then immediately stiffens as she sees the older man. She shrinks away, moving closer to Mal.

A shadow moves across Mal's face as he seems to look straight at River, "Angels won't come for you."

The air hums sweetly as he kneels behind the sandbags.

"Tell me where Serenity is," the fed starts again.

Mal clenches his jaw, breaking eye contact with the fed, his face stony.

River whimpers in despair, "No. No more," as she stumbles away from Mal, clutching at her head.

***

"They're not coming." Zoe's voice interrupts him, crouching next to the radio, heedless of the body next to her.

The hum becomes an ominous tone.

" . . . too hot . . . lay down arms."

"Then what's . . . " Filled with dread, he looks at Bendis in confusion, his bluster gone. Both stand, looking out over the sandbags, watching as sure death sweeps over the valley. Alliance ships and fire. Brimstone in the valley.

A distant voice penetrates the fog that seems to have surrounded him, "Sir!"

The ground shakes somewhere far away beneath his feet as he stares off into a false dawn.

"This isn't . . . " His own voice comes from elsewhere, unreal.

***

"This is how it happens." River shies from the grey haired stranger in the room, edging closer to the door. River cries, eyes shut, "No angels, no shiny ships, just him and the darkness."

***

"God wouldn't . . ." he stares in disbelief.

A little closer, the voice and the words seem wrong, "Sergeant Reynolds!"

His back hits the ground hard, his head ringing from the impact. Above him are stars, and flickerings of light as the night seems to try to turn to day. He tries to get up, but is forced back down to the earth that groans and trembles in pain. Weight on top of him shifts, hands press solidly on his shoulders, grab his face and turn his eyes from the stained sky into a face of darkness.

" . . . at me!"

His face stings as he tries to pierce the shadows with his eyes.

Rough hands shake him, and he finally recognizes the silhouette.

Confused, lost, he asks, "Zoe?"

***

River keens softly on the cell's bed, ". . . make it stop . . ."

***

Her hand meets bare wall of the interrogation room, slipping down in search of the handle that is no longer there.

"Tell us where Serenity is, and maybe we can work a deal." The fed approaches Mal, standing close.

Looking in sudden panic, River watches as the seam of the door closes up, her fingers scrabbling to find purchase as her chance to escape disappears. "Can't be!"

Mal thinks for just a moment before responding, "Piss off."

A fist sends Mal rocking back on the bench, his neck snapping back from the blow. The fed grabs the front of Mal's shirt and hooks the bottom rung of the bench with his foot, setting the captain right before he falls.

River screams as the room grays for a moment, and she reaches blindly for where the door should be.

***

He walks numbly into the growing assembly of broken platoons, Zoe to the left and one step behind. Someone laughs, a high-pitched hysterical sound.

" . . .call themselves Browncoats . . . " A woman's voice, bitter.

There is a strange hush. Even the whimpers and mutterings can't alleviate the spell that seems to have fallen over the rally point.

" . . . turning tail like that . . . "

"They would have been slaughtered." Mal resists the urge to shake his head, blinking back a light trickle of blood from his eye.

Someone screams in frustration, sounding muffled and lost amidst the small gatherings of soldiers. The sky around them rumbles distantly, flashes of light still flickering from down below in the valley. The glow of distant fires lights the night sky.

A young boy's voice wavers in and out of the distant explosions, " . . . have faith that we'll get through this . . ."

"Let me out!" River cries as she pounds futilely against the wall.

" . . . lay down arms! What kind of fei-oo is that?"

"No more fighting," River whimpers.

His pace quickens. To the left of them someone begins weeping.

" . . . don't place your faith in the strength of men . . ."

"Shouldn't have said that. Still had hope." She can't stop the onslaught of memories as Mal stares down his fellow veteran.

Ahead, he walks with purpose toward two standing soldiers.

" . . . will be okay . . . trust that God will--"

He stops the words as his fist cracks the young woman's jaw. The other soldier stares dumbly in surprise as she drops to the ground.

He grabs the shirt-front and backhands the young boy, blood rushing in his ears as he begins to pound on him. As struggling hands shove at his face and throat, he feels the chain twisting tight around his neck. He rains blow after blow upon the body beneath him. Words and shouts ring in his ears as the hands grow weaker, falling away from his throat, a blur of blood in front of his eyes.

Again he hears the alien words on the familiar tongue, "Sergeant Reynolds!"

He raises his fist again as the face in front of him changes, pulling the punch short as he sees Zoe standing before him, her eyes wide with distress and alarm.

***

Crumpled on the thin bed, River shakes, exhausted. Tears soak the blanket as her eyes stare unseeing. Softly, despairingly, she whispers, "Can't stop it."

***

Book emerges from the city cafe, his shepherd habit now abandoned in favor of more worldly clothing. He pushes through the morning crowd to where Chow waits, his face grim with distaste.

"Have you arranged for a suitable ship?" Book asks.

Chow nods, all business, passing an envelope to Book, "Shuttle dock three."

The older man nods back, "It's nine-thirty. By the time you get back to the abbey I should have word for you. Keep your comm open."

Chow nods again, silent; also serious and perhaps more than a little ill at ease.

Book notes his old friend's state, waits.

"Why don't you tell them?"

Book puts his hand on Chow's shoulder and smiles softly, "You know I can't."

He gives Chow a gentle push, and they part ways, Chow turning back and calling after the other man, "What you said before, about turning in Simon."

Book looks over his shoulder, turning around.

"That was in jest, right?"

***

"Why are you protecting him?" The fed still has a handful of Mal's shirt, leaning in close.

Mal stares back, undaunted, then seems to look at River as the air falls flat, "No one else will."

"I'm protecting my crew," Mal spits, blood dried now in the corner of his eye.

"Then why not give him up? This can end right now." The fed looms over him. "Give up, and maybe you'll survive this."

"I'm just starting to enjoy myself." Mal looks up, unafraid, taunting.

River's lungs close up, refusing to take in air, a void filling her throat. The room begins to shake, and she stares in fear at Mal as his eyes darken.

She panics, the overwhelming need to scream forces her to breathe in choked mouthfuls of tainted air that turns her stomach and makes the bile rise to her throat. Like tendrils of smoke, the walls fall away as the room blackens, opening onto the valley.

The sky is darkening with smoke, night coming far too early. Explosions still rock the air from deeper in the valley, calling for him as he joins Zoe's solitary figure in the middle of the quickly emptying camp.

He strides angrily to her, his eyes on the backs of the last of the formation. Reaching Zoe, he finally looks at her, eyes flashing, "Where the hell do they think they're going?"

Her face is blank, but her shoulders are a little too straight, and her voice a little too studied as the full weight of his attention and anger lands on her.

"To safety, sir," she says evenly.

"You gorram better well call them back, Zoe!"

Another distant explosion rumbles, the shuddering earth seeming to reach up and rattle her bones, shaking her quiet voice, "No, sir."

"Tian xia shou you da ren!" He closes the distance between them, eyes black shadows as he growls at her, low, "It wasn't a question."

Her shoulders flinch as if his words are stones, but she doesn't let him cow her, "Don't believe I mistook it for one."

He nearly screams at her, "You rear-march them right now, and we are rucking it down there--"

"And we are going to die!" she growls back.

He gives her a strangled look and moves off towards the path the last of the Independents took, "We can still hurt the Alliance, Zoe. I surely intend to before this is over!"

She stays him with a hard grip on his arm, wheeling him around, "You want to give up and die?" She lets him shake her off, but stands in his way.

"You're the one who's giving up!" he bellows over the noise of another impact somewhere else in the valley.

"I sure as hell am," she yells back, "And I'm going to live through this!"

Disgusted, he tries to knock her out of his way, "I'll get them my own self."

She grabs both his arms, "I can't let you do that."

He tries to shake her off, "Get the hell out of my way!"

She pleads fiercely with him, "I can't do this without you, they won't listen to me. I sent them away on your authority."

Nearly all the sky is covered in a thick black smoke as the valley burns.

He gets an arm up, but she blocks him, gripping his raised forearm, "I'm afraid that they will follow you. You're scaring the rest that have half a mind to realize you've lost it, but they'll still follow you."

His face is inches from hers, his breathing rapid and shallow as his face reddens. He frees his other arm, and she counters that, forcing him to listen.

"I need you to come with me--"

He glowers at her, "Oh, I intend to--"

She shakes him hard, "But not until you pull yourself together. Sir. Not to rile up the troops with notions of an offense."

Their arms tremble as near equal strengths fight silently against each other, the air rocked by another impact, further away.

"ZOE."

"I know you're hurting."

"GET."

"You need to find someplace to put it all."

"THE HELL."

"You're not fit for command until you do. Can't you see that?"

He leans in close, their noses almost touching, "OUT OF MY WAY," and he shoves her off, gaining a step before she grabs him. He flings her off momentarily before her hand is back on his arm. In a backwards step he swings his free arm around and punches her mouth.

Recovering swiftly, she lands one of her own, sending Mal staggering back. The air ripples violently, slowly falling silent as the constant percussion finally ceases.

He straightens, weapon raised, Zoe now in his sights.

She stops, eyes wide, focusing on the hammer, the safety, and his finger on the trigger. His face is twisted into a snarl.

When her eyes meet his, he sees the disappointment there.

His hand shakes as he sees disappointment turn to disgust, and then all of it is swallowed up in a cool mask.

Her shoulders relax, naturally straight at attention. She takes a step backwards.

Horror drains all the color from his face as he shakily lowers the gun, whispering, "Zo-"

She takes another step back, eyes cold, turning her back on him and walking away.

He stands alone, smoke from the burning valley blotting out the light of the sun, shaking as the darkness around him becomes complete.

***

Blackness.

Silence.

Breathing.

In, then out.

Light begins to creep in, coursing along flat walls and corners. River takes in a shuddering breath of clean sterile air, the sound loud and drawn out, echoing hollowly as the room ripples and slips back into place.

For a moment, it is only her and Mal. She knows he doesn't see her, but he looks straight at her, eyes glinting, and just breathes. He shakes his head ever so slightly, swallowing hard.

River stares back, shaken and overcome, and just breathes.

***

"He'll kill you if he finds out you were touching Betty." Zoe closes the flap on the bag as she sees Kaylee getting tense.

A more comfortable silence follows as they eat, the hum of the rain continuing steadily outside.

Simon picks lightly at the food on his plate, almost absently, as he stares at the bags of arsenal.

"I was certain . . . that he was going to make a deal. Jayne. To save himself . . . "

The others still, the room suddenly somber.

***

"How can you continue to flout the danger you are in?" The fed gives Mal a shake.

Mal grins lazily up at the fed, "How can you be so obtuse? Turning in the doctor means turning in my crew, my ship." Then mocking offense, "Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot the Alliance only knows how to look out for itself, be damned those you have to step on to do so!"

The fed bristles, "Is that why you are helping the Tams? To get back at the bane that is the Alliance in whatever petty way you can? We should never have sent those medships in for traitors like you."

Mal stares disbelievingly at the fed, then retorts in exasperation, "Who the hell are the Tams?!"

The fed releases Mal's shirt with a shove. He steps back, rubbing between his eyes, "What is the extent of your involvement?"

"With what?!" Mal's voice is incredulous.

"Why do you insist on making this more difficult than it needs to be?"

"Because," Mal begins in his most condescending tone, "I don't know," he labors over each word, "What-you-are-talking-about."

***

Wash looks up, guilt fleeting briefly over his own face before he smothers it in sarcasm, "Jayne make a deal? Never!"

Simon smiles slightly, albeit darkly, despite himself as Wash continues his rant,

"Well, except that that one time...and then there was...How is it didn't he make a deal again?"

Simon gives a quiet laugh, conceding the point in a soft voice, "I suppose it wasn't such a farfetched conclusion." He continues on, his voice distant, "I saw him . . . yesterday morning . . . " He drifts off into thought.

Simon stirs as the silence stretches, looking up at his captivated audience, and continues aloud, "I didn't realize what he was doing at the time. I thought he was trying to . . . hurt River . . . but I think . . . " he scratches the back of his head absently, almost smiling, "I think he had been trying to name a knife . . . "

Wash gives him a funny look, almost amused. "Zo--," Wash starts to say around a mouthful of bread as he reaches around and drags a bag closer. He digs to the bottom until he finds what he is looking for. He pulls a knife out of it's sheath, holding it up as he swallows, "This it Simon?"

The doctor stares across the table, the polished silver handle wrapped in black braided leather vaguely familiar. He looks at Wash in bewilderment, "How . . . ?"

Wash slides it back into the sheath and passes it across the table. Kaylee and Zoe exchange nervous glances as Simon stares at Wash incredulously.

Wash looks uncomfortable as the moment drags out, "Just a little something I thought might interest you."

***

The night is a thick black, smoke from the burning valley below blotting out the stars. The ground beneath him is cold and hard, and a small fire, as big as his hand, burns at his feet.

River rubs at her tired eyes, "How did you do it?" She looks at Mal in wonder, his indignant face so close to the feds.

"It's gone." She walks over to him.

"Reynolds," a voice states somewhere behind him in the darkness.

"Not him. You're not him anymore." River slips closer, reaching out to touch his cheek.

He stands, stomping out the fire, the last of the light illuminating a sad smile, "That doesn't sound right coming from you."

The darkness is complete and blinding now as he hears her moving cautiously forward.

He sits back down in the dark, hears her settle next to him.

"Thought I'd lost you." Her voice is toneless, testing him.

"Almost."

The night surrounds them, almost tangible.

He breaks the stretched silence, "Thought the same of you."

River's eyes widen in fear, "You found the ocean."

"That depends on you." Zoe waits a moment, "Broke light discipline."

"Whole valley's lit up, what's one more?"

"Trying to get yourself killed?"

"Ain't nobody out there."

Zoe groans at his seemingly groundless notion, "How do you know?"

A grim humor laces his words, "No one's taken a shot yet." Softer, "Nothing ever goes smooth."

The admission is swallowed into the anonymity of the darkness, the distant light of the fires below them not reaching their faces.

Again the silence stretches as Zoe offers nothing but her presence.

"This was a just war, Zoe."

"Still is--"

"No," he cuts her off, "This was it. This here . . . this valley is what could make or break us. Turn the tide. Without Serenity Valley . . . it's over. But He's still trying to . . . "

"Sir?"

"It nearly worked, Zoe." His voice almost cracks as he remembers his earlier actions.

Silence.

"This was a just war," he repeats, "Ain't a just God that would allow this."

Softly, treading on unfamiliar ground, "Don't imagine so, sir."

"I almost . . ." he struggles with himself, the blackness seeping back in the absence of words.

"I won't let Him break me, Zoe," his voice is firm and steady.

She doesn't answer.

He continues, "The Alliance has stomped on us well and good, Zoe. And God's made it clear He's not on our side anymore. Fuck'm."

He senses her unease, hears her poking at the hot ashes of the fire by his feet. Doesn't care what she might find as he lets the silence drag out.

"It's not enough," River says, "Just symbols. Get rid of all of it."

His words seep softly into the black. "Ever been in the ocean, Zoe?"

"Don't go in." River sees the horizon curving over steely water, smells the salt, tastes it on her lips.

"Seen it," Zoe says in some relief, shifting in the darkness.

"Afraid." River stands along the edge of where the ocean meets the land.

"Not the same," Mal murmurs.

"Make it mine?" She can see where the ocean becomes deeper as the water darkens further out.

Zoe breaks the silence this time, "What was it like?"

"Cold," says Mal, "At first . . ."

She stands ankle deep in the surf, the wind twisting her dress around her legs.

". . . not so much after a spell . . ."

Wading deeper, she lets the chill sink into her bones as waves splash her waist. She shivers.

". . . numb, you know? I've only been once, but I'll always remember the sound . . ."

Birds cry overhead, diving into the rolling ocean ahead. The strong undercurrent pulls at her legs, beckoning her, but she holds her footing as she wades beyond the cresting waves.

". . . once you get past the breakers . . ."

She pushes through the last swell and spreads her arms outward, pushing the water behind her, swimming further out.

". . . you're just floating . . ."

Lying back in the cold water, her dark hair fanned about her head, she stares at the sky, allowing the ocean to hold her buoyant. She relaxes her head back into the water, smothering her ears in a blanket of silence.

" . . . no effort at all."

She breathes out, and sinks lower till the rolling water pools into her open eyes, closing over her body.

He stands, "Buried my father that day."

With one last breath out, the world is silent and remote as River slips completely under the water.

He hears Zoe rise to her feet, and kicks the remaining ashes out over the unseen cliff beyond where he had sat. He waits for a sound, but only the soft fall of ash and fluttering pages reaches his ears.

Together they turn back to camp and walk silently through the darkness.

Blue sky ripples above her, and the darkness beneath her, far away, unheeded.

***

River sits up amidst the thin twisted blanket, her face clear and calm.

***

Simon takes the knife from Wash's outstretched hand, the pilot sitting back down and busying himself with an overenthusiastic bite of his lunch.

Wash looks resentfully at the two women, "What?" he says around a mouthful.

Simon turns the knife over in his hands, long fingers running over the fine stitching in the leather. He takes the knife out, holding the handle upwards, before sliding it back in, suddenly not interested in it anymore. He casts a quizzical look at Wash, and then back down to the sheath in his hand, noticing the delicate embossing of intricate swirls.

Wash sighs, swallowing, impatient, "The other side."

Simon turns it back over, the side that would rest face inward if worn on a belt. No patterns mark it, but in the center are hard, crude scratches in the leather.

Simon reads them aloud, "Lil River."

Wash smiles victoriously, "If Jayne named a knife after your sister, I had always figured it'd be the kitchen knife."

Zoe backhands his chest playfully, stifling a smile as Wash coughs.

Simon looks distant, "She thought it was his birthday." He looks back down, his eyes suddenly bright, "She made this . . . "

Wash chokes out as Zoe rubs his back, "Yeah, what's the deal with Mal fibbing? He told me --"

Zoe laughs, "Mal just wanted Jayne out of the way. You know Jayne has no concept of time, he wouldn't know any better."

Simon gives Kaylee a half-hearted superior smile, "Told you." He then looks to Zoe, almost sheepish, "May I . . . ?"

"By all means." She smiles at Wash, "That was nice sweetie," and gives him a full kiss.

Over the drumming of the rain, Zoe hears something, pulling away from Wash as she makes out the sound of footsteps coming down the walk.

***

"What was your crew planning to do once they received your location here?" the fed asks.

Water drips outside the open cargo bay, sparkling in the moonlight.

Mal laughs.

Simon pushes, "If this works, if you somehow miraculously manage to clear everyone's name . . . You know that any attempt to break out River will undo that freedom in a moment?"

River's eyes light up softly as she sees her brother, "Simon!"

"Girl was trouble," Mal says, "Not exactly gonna go out of my way to get her back."

"Do you have any intentions at all of freeing her?"

Her face falls blank, pleading with a memory, "Simon, please don't be mad."

***

Wash pulls her back, murmuring, "I love making up," but Zoe pushes him away as she hears the footsteps slowing.

Simon's hand searches for the gun strapped to his leg and Kaylee watches him and Zoe in rising alarm.

Zoe pulls her sawed-off from its holster and aims at the door as it slides open.

"Shepherd Chow?" she exclaims in surprise, lowering her weapon.

The others look at the Shepherd in confusion, trying to figure out why his presence seems amiss.

Chow himself is more than a little surprised and fearful of Zoe's drawn gun. He looks around the room, at the bags spilling their weaponry onto the floor, in clear discomfort.

Wash laughs at his reaction, "You'll have to excuse my wife, Shepherd. She's really just a big teddy bear." Whispering into her ear, "Honey, put the gun away now so we don't scare the nice Shepherd."

Zoe smiles tightly at Chow as she reholsters her sawed-off, concealing her uneasiness better than Simon. His hand twitches a little closer to the gun, while Zoe's rest casually on her thigh.

Kaylee speaks for the group as she asks, in confusion, "Aren't you back kinda early?"

Wash pops more food in his mouth as he agrees, "Yeah, and where's Book, he's missing out on some really good cooking. He'd really appreciate this."

Zoe looks sharply up at Chow, stating before he can answer, "Book's not with you."

Chow looks to her ingenuously, "No, I left him at the capital to assess the situation like you planned. He's making arrangements as we speak."

Simon shakes his head as he says slowly, "No . . . no, that wasn't the plan at all."

***

"When did you take them on as passengers?"

Mal glares, tired, but answers, "Several months back."

"Where?"

"Ariel City," Mal freely admits. "The Companion had business there."

"Yes, we know." The fed is impatient. "Her visit coincided with an incident at St. Lucy's hospital."

"Ain't that a fine happenstance."

"This happenstance left eight Alliance Federals brutally murdered, among other indiscretions."

Mal mocks sudden fear, "And you think what, the boy did it?"

"The boy was in custody just prior, along with his sister and another unnamed individual. At least three other persons were involved in illicit activities. May or may not be connected. You don't know anything about that, do you?"

Mal turns the interrogation around, "How did they die?"

"That's none--"

"You're telling me that there's a killer on my ship! I think I have the right to know," the captain easily feigns indignation.

The fed blinks at Mal, seeing an opportunity for persuasion, "We don't know how, but the blood was boiled out of their bodies."

Mal turns a little paler, genuinely sickened.

"As you've noted, you've left your crew with a very dangerous man."

Mal shakes his head, in feigned shock, "He's just a boy . . ."

The fed stands, watching Mal weigh his options, a knowing smile playing slightly on the older man's mouth.

Lights flicker, Mal looks to River on the floor, "I have to save who I can."

Mal looks up suddenly at the fed. "Look," his voice is shaky, "I'll tell you where my ship is. If you give me and my crew full immunity."

The fed stops, "Four pardons in exchange for one fugitive?"

"Get up." His voice is not unkind.

"We're going to die anyway," the soldier on the ground protests.

Mal looks at the fed in surprise, "Six, not four. You know we were just collateral anyway."

"Then hurry up and do it or get your ass off the ground, Private. Cuz I ain't leaving anyone behind who ain't' dead."

"The Companion confessed, and one of your crew is presumed dead. Four."

Mal becomes very still, eyes unfocusing, "She . . . she wouldn't . . " He swears to himself, looking at the fed, "Why would she-"

River mutters to herself, "She doesn't want to die, but he can't come back. Can't let him come back. No more. Not if she's dead."

The fed cuts him off, "That' none of your concern, Captain Reynolds. Four pardons for--"

"Five, I'm not sending Jayne back to his mother with that stigma."

Still shaking, the private puts her gun away, "I don't want to die."

River slides up the wall, "I know what I have to do."

The fed stares back, then nods, "Five. If we find Simon Tam where you say he is."

River whispers, "I'm sorry, Simon."

Quietly, Mal says right back, "I don't want you to die."

River stands on her own, pushing away from the door, "We have to die."

***

Wash stops eating, and Kaylee's hands clench the cup in her hand, her hard-won calm about to break again. Zoe remains still, her hand sliding ever so slightly down her thigh.

Chow keeps his eyes on Simon, who asks, "What are these 'arrangements' that Book is making?"

Chow looks uncomfortable, "I can't say." He continues to look at Simon with worry.

Wash pipes up, "But they're happy, nonhurtful arrangements, right?"

Chow looks at him, tearing his eyes from Simon, "I think so."

"Practice answer," Wash says, "Let's hear that once more, and this time with a little more enthusiasm and confidence!"

Everyone waits for Chow to answer, and he meets their eyes hesitantly, "I . . . trust . . . his judgment, and I think that you should as well."

Wash looks up at Simon, then to Zoe next to him, "So Book improvised, we're still on track, right?"

No one answers.

"It's still a go, right? Honey, please?" Wash struggles to maintain his optimism.

She gives Chow a pointed frown, and he backs out of the room, closing the door behind him.

Zoe meets Simon's panicked eyes, "I don't think so."

***

The fed's face turns distant as he presses his hand to his ear, listening. Mal watches as the older man's eyes meet his.

"Our gunships have reported back. They found no sign of your ship or the fugitive at the Farrel ranch."

Mal seethes with a understated rage as he asks quietly, "What did you do to it?"

"Nothing more than a thorough search perfectly within the bounds of the law, I assure you."

River stares at the floor, exhausted as she absently narrates, "Burning? Show of power. Show of hate. Killed everyone, wants to."

Through gritted teeth, Mal growls. "Just like it was within the bounds of the law to shoot down a man and leave him for dead?"

The fed blinks ingenuously, "He resisted arrest."

River says calmly, "Left him as bait. He listened to her. Fell when she said."

"I should be receiving word on the location you gave me shortly. Won't be long now before we know if you're a free man or not."

***

Wash and Kaylee look at Simon, who doesn't disagree. Outside the rain continues to beat unrelentingly, numbing the senses in its constant drone.

Zoe looks calmly up at Simon, "I guess the question is what do we do now?"

Simon stares warily at her, his hand leaving the proximity of the gun at his side, "I thought . . . ?"

Zoe shakes her head, but Wash answers for her, "It was a bad idea Simon. Deal's off. No one is going to turn you in."

Simon lowers his hands, staring at her in disbelief, "You were bluffing?"

Zoe stares back steadily, "I've changed my mind."

Wash adds, "Women do that, luckily for me."

"So the question still stands, Simon. What do we do now?"

With a familiar decisiveness, riding past any pain, Simon rises to his feet and tells the three of them, "Head back to Serenity."

Kaylee jumps up, "I thought we trusted Book?!" She turns to Wash and Zoe, "He wouldn't do nothin to hurt Simon, so it's shiny, we ain't got no cause to worry, right?"

Wash looks worriedly at Zoe, "It's not possible for Book to get a little overzealous in his protectiveness ...? He couldn't try to save Simon's hide by using the rest of us as the payoff?"

She gives her husband an annoyed look as she stands, shooting that idea down with nary a word spoken.

Zoe turns to Simon, "I'm thinking that you and I have been wrong this whole time about Book's loyalties. He's been short on money of late. Could be he's betting on collecting a reward for you."

Kaylee is horrified with each new suggestion.

Simon shakes his head, "If that were so, he could have turned me and River long ago and gotten double the sum."

Wash catches on, "Who's saying he didn't? I mean, we never did figure out who tipped the feds on you three back at Ariel City."

Simon gives Wash a strangled look, saying with quiet confidence, "It wasn't Book."

He sees the bewilderment of Wash and Kaylee, and stares back in revelation as he sees Zoe's surprise.

Kaylee speaks first, "Then who . . . ?"

Zoe shakes her head in warning, and Simon nods, clenching his jaw firmly shut on a sudden flash of anger. He guides Kaylee out of his way as he heads for the door, "Get this up," he says to the room in general, pointing at the arsenal, "And get back to Serenity."

Wash calls after him, "So what's the danger? I don't get it."

Simon looks at Wash, "In case you're right."

***

The fed listens intently to the wire in his ear.

River looks at Mal and states matter-of-factly, "You're not safe."

The fed glares at Mal, dropping his hand, "You knew they wouldn't be there."

Mal smiles, "Oh, you mean a ship full of Federal fugitives was supposed to stay parked, waiting to get pinched?"

Static hisses in the chill predawn.

"Deal's off." The fed is angry.

For the moment Mal is smug, "I imagine so."

***

Three of them crouch in a make-shift shelter, two around the radio, listening to the crackle and whine of dead air.

"Sir, I can't raise HQ. There's nobody out there."

He takes a deep breath and looks to a soldier who peers through a rifle scope over the berm.

"Anything Peters?"

The soldier shakes his head, "Not a sign. Last explosions were on the northern horizon twenty four hours ago. If this spot gets any colder it'll be snowing. It's just us down here in the Valley, Sarge."

He finally looks to Zoe, her face haggard and grimy, eyes shining out a knowing despair. He nods, turning away for a moment. When he looks up, out through the broken walls of the shelter, he sees, the eyes of the others are on him.

"Sir," Zoe whispers, so that Peters can't hear. "No one's coming."

He glances over his shoulder before standing swiftly, speaking aloud, "Get everyone up Zoe, we're heading to the source."

She nods curtly and moves quickly out of the shelter.

Peters turns from his scope, "Sarge? We have no water as it stands now. We'll be dead before we ever reach the spring."

"We're dead either way, might as well die trying." He smiles serenely.

***

"You knew," Zoe states, catching up to him as he heads towards the passageway out under the shelter of the stone walkway.

Simon rounds on her, "And apparently so did you."

Zoe stops, blinking at his quiet outburst.

Simon continues, hissing quietly, "Does everyone know that Jayne tried to sell my sister and I out?"

"Only the Captain and myself."

Simon nods, fuming as he takes this in. "How could you two knowingly keep a man like that on board?"

She stands by Mal's decision, "It was a risk taking him on in the first place." Then something in her eyes changes, "It was also an investment, I suspect. Not someone he'd willingly let go of." Zoe looks at Simon with a newfound wonder, "Why did you?"

Simon backs down, looking away, "I'm not Jayne."

He turns away and takes a step toward the alley of the abbey that leads to the outer gates, keeping the guestroom in sight.

Zoe falls in step with him, letting his non-answer slide, "We'll head back to Serenity, fine. What about you?"

"I'll wait here with Jayne, I don't want to risk moving him again." He stops and looks squarely at her, "Book is due back after nightfall. If he's not back long after, without sending word, then we'll know that most likely he's made a deal. But if that is his intention, I'm afraid we'll be hearing back from him a lot sooner . . . "

Wash and Kaylee emerge from the guestroom, burdened with their bags, and he waits for them, a growing fear shadowing his face. He turns on his heel to conceal it, and leads them out of the courtyard into the pounding rain, towards the gates.

***

"You tell me where your ship really is, I won't hold any grudges for the past twelve hours, and I'll consider the deal back on."

Mal stares at the wall, his face blank, muscles in his jaw tensing.

River stares at Mal, "Lost at sea, the sky is gone."

"Captain Reynolds?"

Mal looks up, eyes empty, "I don't know."

***

Wash stores the last of the bags in the shuttle, rejoining the others out in the rain, hair plastered flat against his skull, "We're ready."

Kaylee feels time moving too quickly, "Come with us," her voice sounding muffled in the heavy rain as she stands facing the shuttle, Simon with his back to it.

"I need to stay with Jayne." He looks at Wash as well, "Besides, you should be on Serenity. If things go badly, you get the ship up and flying."

Wash nods, sucking the water off his upper lip.

"At the least Serenity should be flying." Simon looks to Zoe, who seems to approve in her silent stony way, merely blinking the rain out of her eyes.

He looks beyond her, back toward the abbey.

Zoe follows his gaze, glancing over her shoulder. Chow stands under the archway, watching silently. She looks back to Simon, catching his worried look. Walking over to him, she glances at Wash and Kaylee as she pulls him aside, whispering, "What about Chow? I still don't trust him, especially not now. Jayne should be fine with another move--"

"Is that your medical opinion?" Simon hisses, "He's staying, and so am I."

He tries to reassure her, calming his voice, "Chow isn't a threat, we'll be fine here."

Zoe searches his face, not liking what she sees, but leaves it alone; instead turning away and stepping into the shuttle. Wash gives one last glance to Simon and follows his wife inside.

Simon is left with Kaylee watching him as the rain courses over her face.

***

"Isn't that a pity." The fed smiles coldly.

Mal stands, giving his shoulders a shrug and twisting his hands in the cuffs, brushing off his lapse, "So . . . guess I'll just go on back to my bunk. I'm sure you'd like to sit down for the noonday meal, now that we're done here."

The fed walks over, putting a hand on Mal's shoulder, "Certainly, you're of no use to us now," he shoves Mal back down on the bench, "But I haven't worked up an appetite yet."

" . . . kill him personally . . ."

River shies back a step in surprise from the blank wall, "He's here. The dead man's here."

She continues to back away as a young fed appears in the room. The two uniformed men walk slowly toward her, cold menace in their eyes until the back of her knees bump the bench where Mal sits calmly.

He looks at her, his face serene, "It doesn't mean anything. It's over."

She smiles eerily, "But not like you think."

***

Warm fat drops drum on their heads, on the shuttle, on the ground where it splashes mud on their legs. Simon's eyes have trouble meeting hers, instead he looks at Chow far behind her.

"So," Kaylee begins, "Was last night--this morning-- was that goodbye?"

This catches Simon off guard as he looks at her in surprise, "No . . . no bao bei."

"But this is, right? This sounds exactly like goodbye," she flashes angry eyes at him, "Cap'n said the same thing, and now he's gone."

She begins to walk past him, but he catches her arms low, "He's going to come back."

She nods silently as the rain continues to fall, not believing him, staring at the muddy ground. He captures her hand as she steps around him towards the shuttle, out of sight. He feels her fingers sliding away as she takes another step further.

Soon his hand is empty except for the deadening beat of the rain, and he can barely hear the shuttle door closing.

He stares at Chow as the shuttle rises unseen behind him and disappears into the rain.

***

" . . . lost at sea, we all die alone . . . "

River watches unflinchingly from against the wall as Mal rocks back from another blow, the burn on his cheek bleeding freely.

" . . . this isn't right . . . "

The monitors beep slowly in the infirmary. Jayne lies in the dim light, eyes half open, unseeing.

". . . . it's just a dream . . . "

Simon stares out across the rolling hills as the rain beats down on him.

" . . . waiting . . . "

In the cold grey bridge of Serenity, Wash and Zoe stand, wrapped in each other's arms as they watch the rain coursing in steady sheets down the windows.

" . . . dead man's coming to take us home . . . "

Engines stilled in the silent heart of Serenity, darkness reigns as Kaylee sits curled, wrapped in a blanket.

" . . . long black in between. . . "

Inara sits straight and composed on the bed, then turns and puts her ear to the wall, her face sad as she listens to River's faint voice.

" . . . want to wake up . . . "

River leans wearily against the wall of her cell, furthest from the door, " . . . he's coming . . . "

Whispers race down the corridor, flying ahead of a newcomer. Young Alliance Federals stare rudely in ignorance. Older eyes recognize the name, and stare in fear as they finally see the face that belongs to the Angel of Death.

". . . .we're all dreaming . . . "