PLANET DUNE-LOOK-A-LIKE
- EXT. THE SPACETANK - DESERT - NIGHT
Three-NT is at Sleep
Mode. J-Nine is asleep. Daria is still awake in front of a tiny fire. She
is shivering, although she is zipped up. Tom approaches and offers her
his tuxedo jacket.
DARIA STARR :
Thank you. Now I can see
how you freeze to dead.
PRINCE TOM :
You always were very *polite*,
Daria. Like in the last years by avoiding any contact with me.
DARIA STARR : (ashamed)
Oh... sorry Tom, it is just...
it was so long ago...
Tom sits real close besides Daria.
PRINCE TOM :
Look, that bright, blue
star, right there. That is planet Sloania. Which one is your star ?
DARIA STARR :
Perhaps, one of the numerous
Black Holes. I haven't got a star, I don't know, where I come from.
PRINCE TOM :
Couldn't you ask your parents
Jake and Helen?
DARIA STARR :
Not really. Actually I am
an orphan. I was found in a refrigerator box on the doorsteps of the Morgendorffer
Clan. Beside my diaper, the only thing I had with me was this.
She pulls a referee's whistle out from her t-shirt. It has got some unknown writing on it.
PRINCE TOM :
What are these for symbols?
DARIA STARR :
Probably pagan, by the way
my life was till now.
PRINCE TOM :
Still it is kind of beautiful.
You know you are still.. I mean… it is beautiful.
Tom looks Daria deep in her eyes. Daria puts the referee's whistle back in her t-shirt.
DARIA STARR :
So, how come you have entered
the ranks of the runaway grooms?
PRINCE TOM :
I finally figured out, that
my relationship with Brittany wasn't love...
DARIA STARR :
...yeah, it was lust.
PRINCE TOM :
Daria! You know how difficult
it is to find someone popular, who is intelligent too.
DARIA STARR :
Who you are telling that.
PRINCE TOM : (sights)
You are right. I mean, why
should I run away from such a bride. Okay, I don't love her for her brain,
but I could learn to love her. Why should I be told by my heart with whom
I have to be together?
DARIA STARR :
Damn right.
PRINCE TOM :
Yes. Love isn't that important.
DARIA STARR :
Nah, never was.
PRINCE TOM :
Besides, what is love anyway?
(looks again at her)
DARIA STARR :
Just a bunch of hormones
screwing up our lives.
(she blushes a bit)
PRINCE TOM :
Exactly! It is just physical
contact…
(takes her hand)
DARIA STARR :
Yeah.
(she presses his hand)
PRINCE TOM :
... being hold...
(put his arm around her)
DARIA STARR :
Yeah.
(moves closer to him)
PRINCE TOM :
... being kissed...
Daria and Tom are at the verge to kiss. Suddenly an alarm goes off.
J-NINE : (half
asleep)
Three-NT put that stupid
"Virgin Alarm" off. I am over eighteen.
Three-NT wakes up, Tom
and Daria immediately let go of each other.
Three-NT join them, he
gives them both an "I can imagine, what you were up to" smirk.
THREE-NT :
Hey Tom… Hey Daria!
DARIA AND TOM : (mutter)
Hey... Three-NT. What was
that for a noise?
THREE-NT :
That was my "Shipper Alarm".
It's programmed to go off before a relationship is getting too intense.
DARIA AND TOM :
A "Shipper Alarm"?!!!
THREE-NT :
Well, actually I wanted
to have a new tattoo, but when I woke up in the morning after, I had this
"Shipper Alarm" build in.
J-Nine joins them, she gives Daria and Tom an "I know, what you were up to" smirk.
J-NINE :
Uhhhhhhhhhhhh. Living up
the old day you two?
DARIA STARR :
Don't "uhhh" me Lane.
PRINCE TOM :
All right. Now, we are all
awake, so we should start moving before dawn.
THREE-NT :
How long does it takes to
the next city, Daria?
DARIA STARR :
According to my calculation,
only a couple of hours on foot.
PLANET DUNE-LOOK-A-LIKE
- DESERT - AFTERNOON - BLAZING HOT SUN
Three-NT is carrying
an unconscious J-Nine. Tom is carrying an unconscious Daria.
Tom and Three-NT are
very exhausted.
THREE-NT :
Well, who can guess, that
Daria's calculations were wrong.
PRINCE TOM :
Yes.
THREE-NT :
Especially, when you have
approved her calculation after checking them.
PRINCE TOM :
So I made mistakes too...
Just one more dune to go.
THREE-NT : (sarcastic)
You said that three dunes
ago.
PRINCE TOM : (stressed)
YES!
THREE-NT :
Sorry Tom, I always get
cranky when my batteries are low. And they are now very low. Oh... I can't,
I can't go, I can't go... any further.
Three-NT drops J-Nine and faints.
PRINCE TOM :
It is all over now... only
one last smart remark before we die...
... ah, who cares, nobody
is listening...
Tom drops Daria and then faints too.
A while later.
PLANET DUNE-LOOK-A-LIKE
- DESERT - LATE AFTERNOON
Three shadows emerge
in front of the unconscious lot.
TEENAGE VOICE :
Huh?
CHILD VOICE :
Is it a mass grave yet?
MONOTONE VOICE :
On the contrary. They still
show life signs.
CHILD VOICE :
That easily can be altered.
MONOTONE VOICE :
I have only got a bottle
of drain cleaner with me. What about you?
TEENAGE VOICE :
Only a bottle of berry juice
but it has fermented again.
MONOTONE VOICE :
Well, as all we know our
past remarks were intended in jest and not as an incitement to any type
of homicidal behavior. Let's put them on the pick-up hoover truck and bring
them to the temple.
EXT. UNKNOWN TEMPLE -
LATE AFTERNOON
The three figures carry
our four unconscious heroes into a secret portal, which is hidden in the
sand.
INT. UNKNOWN TEMPLE
The three figures (they
are dressed like Jedi Knights) give soda water to them. The temple is cool
and shady. Soon one after the other wakes up.
DARIA STARR :
... What... are you guys
in the queue for the latest star wars movie?
J-NINE :
Cool outfit... you got names?
MONOTONE VOICE :
Luhrman.
TEENAGER VOICE :
Ethan.
CHILD VOICE :
Link.
LUHRMAN :
(mumbles something)
PRINCE TOM :
Uhm. What did you say?
LUHRMAN :
Just a little pointless
chitchat. Forget it. Would you like another soda?
THREE-NT :
Sure. Thank you all, for
saving us and stuff.
They stay mute. Not very talkative folks.
THREE-NT :
(to Tom) ... cool
guys... (drinks his soda)
PRINCE TOM :
Well Luhrman, is that your
first name or your last name?
LUHRMAN :
Does it matter?
PRINCE TOM :
I have noticed you all seem
a little bit... subdued.
LINK :
I was going to say miserable,
but okay.
PRINCE TOM : (uncomfortable)
Well, what do you and your
friends do in this place?
ETHAN, LINK AND LUHRMAN
:
Friends?
DARIA STARR :
I presume you are more comfort
with the term: "people you happen to know".
ETHAN : (deadpan)
Whatever. Want to see our
master?
DARIA STARR : (deadpan)
Do we have a choice?
J-NINE :
Daria, could it be, that
we haved found at last the lost tribe in which you were born?
INT. UNKNOWN TEMPLE -
GREAT HALL - DAY
They follow them into
a great hall, which resembles the "Temple of Doom" in "Indiana Jones 2".
Soon Daria, J-Nine, Three-NT
and Tom stand in front of a huge portal.
Suddenly a huge gong
noise shatters the whole hall.
DARIA, J-NINE, THREE-NT
AND TOM:
EEP!
FEMALE VOICE :
Silence! Who dares to disturb
the sacred and awesome presence of the everlasting universal smartass:
Amy.
DARIA, J-NINE, THREE-NT
AND TOM:
Aunty Amy!!!
The huge portal opens up. A mature woman, who resembles Daria, dressed as a Jedi Knight, steps out.
AMY :
You know me?
DARIA STARR :
Know you... is their somebody,
who doesn't know Aunty Amy?
PRINCE TOM :
Amy, the godlike Deus Ex
Machina.
THREE-NT :
Amy Nemesis, the former
lead singer of the "Radioactive Raisins".
J-NINE :
The Abruptly Amy.
AMY :
Please, please, don't make
such a fuss about my name. Just simply call me: Professor Doctor Amy Cecilia
Emily Barksdale.
DARIA STARR :
... very modest, I must
say... But aren't you the keeper...
AMY :
Yes. I am the keeper of
a great power, which is known through out the universe as....
DARIA STARR : (smirks)
The Sarcasm.
AMY :
No.
J-NINE :
Ehem, the Schwartz ?
AMY :
Nope
PRINCE TOM :
The Force ?
AMY :
Nay.
THREE-NT :
Something totally unexpected
whatever...
AMY :
You are right: It is...
(fanfare music) THE
SALAMI !
DARIA, J-NINE, THREE-NT
AND TOM: (totally surprised)
The Salami ???????????
AMY :
Yes. The Salami.
She shows them a ring
which look likes Quinn's, it glitters with a golden aura while you can
hear a chorus singing in the background.
Link comes up and makes
a Polaroid photo of our four heroes, with their open mouths.
LINK : (smirks)
May the Salami be with you.
AMY :
I just wanted to avoid plagiarism.
DARIA STARR :
… I'm seeing a lot of juvenile
puns coming towards us.
