PART 12: Self-destruction!





INT. MEGA MALL - EXT. CENTRAL COMPUTER CORE - SPACE
An epic fight between Daria and Quinn begins. They start with a fierce laserblast-lasersaber duel. The opponents use telekinetics to smash each other with monitors, computers, trashcans...etc. Finally Daria manage to take the action. Quinn is having more and more problems to counter attack. Finally Quinn falls to the ground and Daria accidentally swipes Quinn's right hand that is holding the Salami ring…
...
...But it doesn't make a harm, not even a mark to Quinn's arm. Daria attacks again and again. But Quinn's black suit seems to be lasersaber proofed.

MISTRESS DARK QUINN :
My suit is specially designed out Jupiter-Monolitium-Fiber. Not that it protects me from laser attacks... it gives a *nice* shine too.

DARIA STARR :
Then how about this attack?

Daria kicks Quinn with her Doctor Marten's Boots.

MISTRESS DARK QUINN :
Eww, that's gonna leave a mark... you are death!!!

Quinn jumps toward Daria and starts punching her. An unepic catfight begins.

DARIA STARR :
Ewww ARGggg.!

MISTRESS DARK QUINN :
Brain !

DARIA STARR :
Brat !

MISTRESS DARK QUINN :
Brain !

DARIA STARR :
Brat !

Suddenly the three Storm J's appear with heavy laser guns pointing towards Daria. Daria is stunned and Quinn uses the opportunity to take off Daria's Salami ring.

DARIA STARR :
Hey, you told me this should be a fair "Salami Fight" by the rules.

MISTRESS DARK QUINN : (smiles)
Well some rules were meant to be broken, like wearing red lipstick with an orange top...
So, Daria, Amy has taught you well, but now you see why the popular will always win. We do make compromises...

DARIA STARR : (to herself)
I got an idea: I use the Salami.

AMY'S VOICE :
Use the Salami, Daria Starr. Use the Salami.

DARIA STARR : (to Amy's voice)
Hey, I just said that.

AMY'S VOICE :
Yes, but my voice is more impressive, it has more resonance.

DARIA STARR : (to Amy's voice)
Yeah, but back to business. I lost the ring.

AMY'S VOICE :
Forget the ring, I found it in a breakfast cereal box. The Salami is in you, Daria Starr. It's in you.

DARIA STARR : (to Amy's voice)
And I always thought, it was the way my string-tanga was cut.

MISTRESS DARK QUINN :
Okay boys, watch how I finish off my ungrateful cousin of mine.

Quinn's ring starts to glow. She fires a pink beam at Daria. Daria close her eyes and divert the beam toward the three Storm J's behind Quinn. After they get hit, they fall over Quinn burring her with their three unconscious bodies. Quinn cannot move anymore.

MISTRESS DARK QUINN :
Eww! (tries to push them away) Get your big, sweaty bodies off of me! This is not a slow dance.

The door gets opened by a fire axe and J-Nine, Three-NT and Tom rush in.

THREE-NT : (looks at Quinn under the 3 J's)
Good one Daria's sister. (laugh-cough)

J-NINE : (looks at Quinn under the 3 J's)
DARIA! Quinn allows you to watch? Your family is really very liberal.

PRINCE TOM : (looks at Quinn under the 3 J's and then he imitates Quinn's Voice)
Good Heavens. Can't you tame yourself Quinn? EWW! I have to take a shower

MISTRESS DARK QUINN :
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DARIA STARR :
Quinn always knows how to get the full attention.
(she presses the self-destruct button) Okay, let's get back to the Spacetank.

SHIP'S VOICE :
Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in 3 minutes.

INT. MEGA MALL - BRIDGE
An alarm goes off and red lights are flashing everywhere.

PRESIDENT SANDI :
What is going on? Did some one hit the casino jackpot?

COLONEL STACY :
Eep, oh no, I have forgotten to pay a CD.

COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :
Noooooo, This is techno music. (Tiffany starts dancing)

SHIP'S VOICE :
Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button. This ship will self-destruct in exactly 2 minutes and 45 seconds.

COLONEL STACY :
EEP!

COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY : (still dancing)
What for a straaaaaange song text.

PRESIDENT SANDI :
Self-destruction! We have to stop it.

COLONEL STACY : (gasping)
We can't stop it. It's irreversible.

COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :
Hey...like my raincoat.

PRESIDENT SANDI : (into a microphone)
Attention. This is *President* Sandi speaking. The self-destruct mechanism has been activated. Abandon ship. All personnel, proceed to escape pods. This is not an exercise. I repeat abandon ship.

The whole crew on the ship starts to panic and run like crazy.

SHIP'S VOICE :
This is your two minute warning. This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes.

COLONEL STACY :
Oh, Sandi you are so calm and professional ... Sandi?

Stacy realize she is the only one left on the bridge. She panics and runs to the escape pods section.

INT. MEGA MALL - ESCAPE POD SECTION
Tiffany looks in a pod and seeing Jodie and Mack making out.

COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :
Uhh... what are you doing?

LEUTENANT JODIE : (blushes)
We are... we are...

LEUTENANT MACK :
...still fixing the beaming device.

COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :
Ahem... good. Then keep up the good work.

Jodie and Mack wave Tiffany good bye. The pod door closes and takes off into space.

Stacy arrived at the escape pods. She looks in a pod, seeing Ted with a lot of boxes.

COLONEL STACY :
Is there any room for me, Ted?

CORPORAL TED :
I am sorry Stacy. I need every square-inch for my chewing gum.

COLONEL STACY :
Oh... I understand Ted.

Ted gives Stacy a farewell handshake. The pod door closes and takes off into space.

COLONEL STACY : (wining)
But why? Is it something I said? Something I wore?
Oh, I wish I were dead... well in some seconds I will be dead anyway.
(angry and shouting) TED! you computer crazed geek!!! I am through with YOU!!!

Quinn passes by and heads straight to her own special pastel pink escape pod .

MISTRESS DARK QUINN :
Boys, I hope you still got some *space* for me left…

Quinn looks into a pod, seeing the Three Storm J's worshipping a girl. It is: ANDREA !

JOEY :
Here Andrea, I got you a drink with crushed ice.

JEFFY :
Here are some twisty crackers, Andrea.

JAMIE :
Andrea. Allow me to just admire your beauty.

Andrea gives Quinn a "Mona Lisa smile". The pod door closes and takes off into space.

MISTRESS DARK QUINN :
Eww!

Quinn Stacy and Tiffany look around. All escape pods have launched. Sandi walks up to them.

PRESIDENT SANDI :
All right. There is only the presidential escape pod left. And *I* am the president. Well have a good time you three.

COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :
Ughh!

COLONEL STACY :
Argh!

MISTRESS DARK QUINN :
Sandi! The presidential escape pod has got enough space for all of us.

PRESIDENT SANDI : (sights)
All right, but you three have to sleep on the *sofa*.

The door of the presidential escape pod opens and reveals Upchuck.
He is lying on the bed, wearing a dressing gown like Hugh Haffner and is shamelessly revealing his sock-suspender belts.

THE FASHION CLUB :
Upchuck!!!!!

SERGEANT UPCHUCK :
Grrrrrr Feisty! I can't wait to spend the next days, weeks and months in space with the fourrrrrr most gorgeous ladies the galaxy have everrrrrr seen.

PRESIDENT SANDI :
Get out.

SERGEANT UPCHUCK :
No way. I have rrrrrreprogramm the pod computer only to listen to MY voice commands. So you can either can live with me, or you can die in space. It is your decision.

Sandi turns around and looks at the Fashion club. Quinn, Tiffany and Stacy nod to her. Sandi turns back and put her hand on a switch. The door closes and the presidential escape pod takes off.

UPCHUCK'S VOICE :
Noooooo... Why didn't I just hide inside the closet?

MISTRESS DARK QUINN :
You have chosen well, Sandi.

PRESIDENT SANDI :
So, we are all going to die now.

COLONEL STACY :
Yes. But it's Upchuck's fault... he gave us no other choice.

COMMANDERETTE TIFFANY :
Upchuck? Eww...