INT. THE SLOAN PALACE
- WEDDING CHAPEL - DAY
Tom and his dad stand
at the altar together with Minister DeMartino. Brittany and her dad start
walking down the aisle. The Mystic Galactic Spiral, now with its lead guitarist
Three-NT, is playing "Here Comes the Bride" in grunge style. Brittany and
her dad reach the altar.
MINISTER DEMARTINO :
Dearly BELOVED! We are gathered
HERE... AGAIN !!! on this MOST joyous occasion, to witness Princess BritTANY
and Prince TOM to join in the bonds of HOLY matrimony. Do you, Princess
BRITtany, take this man to be your lawfully wedded HUSBAND?
PRINCESS BRITTANY :
Yes, I do.
MINISTER DE MARTINO :
And do you, PRINCE Tom,
take this pulchritudinous WOMAN to be your lawfully wedded WIFE?
Suddenly, there is Kevin standing behind a window. (Not the "technician assistant Kevin Brett" from "Mom's Dinner", the other one: Kevin Thompson). The wedding party reacts.
KEVIN : (and banging
at the window)
Brittany !
PRINCE TOM :
Brittany, that is Kevin
Thompson, your former highschool sweetheart.
PRINCESS BRITTANY :
Eep!
MINISTER DE MARTINO :
I SAID, do you, TOM, assume
legal responsibility for this OVERRIPE specimen of FEMALEHOOD standing
next to you?
The one in WHITE, son!
KEVIN :
Brittany !
(banging on) Brittany
!
MINISTER DE MARTINO :
WELL?!
PRINCE TOM :
Follow your heart, Brittany!
PRINCESS BRITTANY : (squeals
and shakes her head very fast )
Ah eh ah eeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhh....
KEVIN :
Brittany !
PRINCESS BRITTANY : (shouts)
Kevvvyyy !
Brittany runs to Kevin. They both hold hands and run out the wedding chapel. The Mystic Galactic Spiral plays "Mrs. Robinson" in grunge style.
THREE-NT : (chuckles-coughs)
Sorry guys, we couldn't
resist.
MINISTER DE MARTINO :
Ah... Prince Tom. PLEASE
accept my condolences on the UNFORTUNATE way the biggest day of your LIFE
has turned out.
PRINCE TOM : (triumphantly)
Yes!
MINISTER DE MARTINO :
Fortunately it is CUSTOMARY
on these occasions for the GROOM to marry the bridesmaid. I PRESUME you
intend to honor THIS.
Tom looks at the bridesmaid. She is a princess from the Planet Johansson, who is at the moment by the buffet eating the whole wedding cake.
PRINCE TOM :
...eep!
The chapel door opens and Daria and J-Nine step in walk down the aisle.
PRINCE TOM :
DARIA! J-Nine.
MINISTER DE MARTINO :
Excuse ME! But SAME-sex-marriages,
are NEXT week!
DARIA STARR :
What?... No, I am here because
Tom.
KING ANGIER :
You can't be together with
Tom, you are not popular.
J-NINE :
But now she is popular.
This is Daria Superstarr.
DARIA STARR :
My referee's whistles proves
clearly, that I am a certified popular.
PRINCESS ELSIE : (deadpan)
Oh, that seems plausible.
THREE-NT : (joins
them)
Ah, popular/unpopular...
Why should rules mess up our lives.
QUEEN KATHERINE :
He is right: Daria is very
honest noble person.
PRINCE TOM :
Daria, I want to give it
one more try. Will you be again my girlfriend?
DARIA STARR : (smiles)
I am green with it.
MINISTER DE MARTINO :
I'm SICK of this. Frankly
my DEARS, I don't give a DAMN. Who is marrying WHOM. But today I'm GOING
to marry somebody. DARIA, THREE-NT!
DARIA AND THREE-NT :
Yeah.
MINISTER DE MARTINO :
J-NINE , TOM!
J-NINE AND TOM :
Yeah.
MINISTER DE MARTINO :
(very fast)
In the name of the planet
Sloania and the powers given to me by the Lawndale Starfederacy, I declare
you officially for legally MARRIED!!!
(normal speed)
Three-NT you may KISS Daria
and Tom you MAY kiss J-Nine.
DARIA, THREE-NT, J-NINE
AND TOM :
Yeah..
(realizing what happened)
NO!
The chapel door opens Ms. Clair Defoe, the art teacher, steps in, pointing at "DeMartino".
MS. DEFOE :
Hold it. This man is a fraud.
He hasn't got a wedding license, he is a history teacher.
"DE MARTINO" :
(without shouting any
word and without eyes bulging, in a calm arrogant voice)
You are right. Mr. DeMartino
has no wedding license. But *I* do...
"DeMartino" takes a step
back, and his two arms pulls his head up.
At that moment the whole
face, which is actually a mask, opens itself up, like in the movie "Total
Recall".
It reveals… Ace Trax!
ACE TRAX :
...Hello it's *ME*: The
fanfictionauthor Ace Trax.
DARIA STARR :
I'm going to be sick.
J-NINE :
This is getting rather silly...
THREE-NT :
What the hell do you call
this?
ACE TRAX :
This is called "S-E-L-F
I-N-S-E-R-T-I-O-N".
PRINCE TOM :
Eww. That sounds revolting.
DARIA STARR :
Is this supposed to be a
Happy End?
ACE TRAX :
This is a Happy End. Do
you know that 89% of all fanfic readers are Anti-Tommers.
J-NINE :
Anti-Tommers? Then how does
it come, that I had married him just now.
ACE TRAX :
In any good fanfic, there
should be fear, hate, anger and suffering for the protagonists...
Our four heroes pull out cattle prods and hold them against Ace Trax.
PRINCE TOM :
Make a quick divorce.
ACE TRAX :
Why? OH... from where do
you guys got these cattle prods so fast from?
THREE-NT :
Never ending, forever lasting
pain... hey, that is a good song title...
ACE TRAX :
Okay, okay. That are some
very good arguments you hold in your hands... In the name of the planet
Sloania and the powers given to me by the Lawndale Starfederacy, I declare
you officially for di…… diiiiiiii Uerk ARG AOGGGGG!
Ace Trax whirls and twists in pain until a Quinnien breaks out his chest covering the wedding party in blood.
Ace Trax somehow manage
to hold the Quinnien back in his chest.
He crashes through the
window behind him, and falls in a huge basin of molten lead, sited at the
back of the wedding chapel.
The Quinnien growls and starts singing before she and Ace Trax hit the molten lead.
QUINNIEN : (singing a song in the tone of "Oops... I Did It Again" by "Britney Spears")
Oops!… I did it again.
I braked out your chest,
now it is a mess,
oh baby, baby.
Oops!... now it rings your
bell:
That I'm sent from hell.
I'm just a parasite.
DARIA STARR : (under
shock)
Tom, why there is a molten
lead basin behind the chapel?
PRINCE TOM : (under
shock)
Industrial zone planning
mistakes.
J-NINE :
Well, Three-NT. It could
have been worse. He could have married me with you.
THREE-NT :
Yeah, or he could have married
me with Tom. (chuckles-coughs)
EXT. THE SPACETANK - SPACE
On the back of the Spacetank
is painted "JUST MARRIED - but not for long."
INT. THE SPACETANK - COCKPIT
Three-NT is at sleep
mode. Daria is at the steering wheel, looking with a Mona Lisa smile at
her "new - but not for long" husband. Then Three-NT wakes up, Daria looks
away and pretends reading a book.
DARIA STARR : (mutters)
Good afternoon, Three-NT.
Finish from recharging?
THREE-NT :
Hey.….. Wife. (chuckles-coughs)
Hmm Daria, when do we arrive at the "Las Wega System" for our "Twenty-Spacedollars-Five-Minute-Divorce"?
DARIA STARR :
In six hours.
THREE-NT :
So we have six hours of
marriage then.
(Three-NT moves closer
and put his right hand on her left hip)
Well Daria.
(he looks deep in her
eyes)
I want to make use of this
opportunity:
Demanding my right.
DARIA STARR : (blushes
violently)
Mmmmm...
THREE-NT :
Wife! Make me a sandwich.
DARIA STARR :
...First you bring the garbage
out.
Both start chuckling.
THREE-NT :
Reminds me, what happened
to our honeymoon couple Janey and Tom?
DARIA STARR :
Well they spent the whole
time in the backroom, since we have took off.
THREE-NT :
I wonder what they would
do so long alone... Playing (chuckles-coughs) Scrabble?
DARIA STARR : (smirks)
Well, they could play certain
adult games. But that would cause your "Shipper Alarm" to go off.
THREE-NT : (serious)
Ehem, Daria.
DARIA STARR :
Yes, Three-NT.
THREE-NT :
The "Shipper Alarm" was
disabled in that moment, when that fanficfreak Ace Trax legally married
us all.
DARIA STARR : (beat)
... well...ehem...sorry,
Three-NT, if you don't mind I fall in a phase of irrational paranoia. Okay?
THREE-NT :
You are welcome.
DARIA STARR : (shouts)
ARGGGGHH!!!
Daria rushes out the cockpit into the backroom.
EXT. THE SPACETANK - SPACE
VOICE OF DARIA STARR :
(hysteric)
J-NINE! TOM! Open the door
at once.
The Spacetank flies on,
leaving a stream of glitter behind, which form the words:
"MAY THE SALAMI BE WITH YOU."
THE END
CLOSING MUSIC: "Viva Las Vegas" performed by "The Dead Kennedys".
