PART 15: This man is a fraud.





INT. THE SLOAN PALACE - WEDDING CHAPEL - DAY
Tom and his dad stand at the altar together with Minister DeMartino. Brittany and her dad start walking down the aisle. The Mystic Galactic Spiral, now with its lead guitarist Three-NT, is playing "Here Comes the Bride" in grunge style. Brittany and her dad reach the altar.

MINISTER DEMARTINO :
Dearly BELOVED! We are gathered HERE... AGAIN !!! on this MOST joyous occasion, to witness Princess BritTANY and Prince TOM to join in the bonds of HOLY matrimony. Do you, Princess BRITtany, take this man to be your lawfully wedded HUSBAND?

PRINCESS BRITTANY :
Yes, I do.

MINISTER DE MARTINO :
And do you, PRINCE Tom, take this pulchritudinous WOMAN to be your lawfully wedded WIFE?

Suddenly, there is Kevin standing behind a window. (Not the "technician assistant Kevin Brett" from "Mom's Dinner", the other one: Kevin Thompson). The wedding party reacts.

KEVIN : (and banging at the window)
Brittany !

PRINCE TOM :
Brittany, that is Kevin Thompson, your former highschool sweetheart.

PRINCESS BRITTANY :
Eep!

MINISTER DE MARTINO :
I SAID, do you, TOM, assume legal responsibility for this OVERRIPE specimen of FEMALEHOOD standing next to you?
The one in WHITE, son!

KEVIN :
Brittany !
(banging on) Brittany !

MINISTER DE MARTINO :
WELL?!

PRINCE TOM :
Follow your heart, Brittany!

PRINCESS BRITTANY : (squeals and shakes her head very fast )
Ah eh ah eeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhh....

KEVIN :
Brittany !

PRINCESS BRITTANY : (shouts)
Kevvvyyy !

Brittany runs to Kevin. They both hold hands and run out the wedding chapel. The Mystic Galactic Spiral plays "Mrs. Robinson" in grunge style.

THREE-NT : (chuckles-coughs)
Sorry guys, we couldn't resist.

MINISTER DE MARTINO :
Ah... Prince Tom. PLEASE accept my condolences on the UNFORTUNATE way the biggest day of your LIFE has turned out.

PRINCE TOM : (triumphantly)
Yes!

MINISTER DE MARTINO :
Fortunately it is CUSTOMARY on these occasions for the GROOM to marry the bridesmaid. I PRESUME you intend to honor THIS.

Tom looks at the bridesmaid. She is a princess from the Planet Johansson, who is at the moment by the buffet eating the whole wedding cake.

PRINCE TOM :
...eep!

The chapel door opens and Daria and J-Nine step in walk down the aisle.

PRINCE TOM :
DARIA! J-Nine.

MINISTER DE MARTINO :
Excuse ME! But SAME-sex-marriages, are NEXT week!

DARIA STARR :
What?... No, I am here because Tom.

KING ANGIER :
You can't be together with Tom, you are not popular.

J-NINE :
But now she is popular. This is Daria Superstarr.

DARIA STARR :
My referee's whistles proves clearly, that I am a certified popular.

PRINCESS ELSIE : (deadpan)
Oh, that seems plausible.

THREE-NT : (joins them)
Ah, popular/unpopular... Why should rules mess up our lives.

QUEEN KATHERINE :
He is right: Daria is very honest noble person.

PRINCE TOM :
Daria, I want to give it one more try. Will you be again my girlfriend?

DARIA STARR : (smiles)
I am green with it.

MINISTER DE MARTINO :
I'm SICK of this. Frankly my DEARS, I don't give a DAMN. Who is marrying WHOM. But today I'm GOING to marry somebody. DARIA, THREE-NT!

DARIA AND THREE-NT :
Yeah.

MINISTER DE MARTINO :
J-NINE , TOM!

J-NINE AND TOM :
Yeah.

MINISTER DE MARTINO :
(very fast)
In the name of the planet Sloania and the powers given to me by the Lawndale Starfederacy, I declare you officially for legally MARRIED!!!
(normal speed)
Three-NT you may KISS Daria and Tom you MAY kiss J-Nine.

DARIA, THREE-NT, J-NINE AND TOM :
Yeah..
(realizing what happened) NO!

The chapel door opens Ms. Clair Defoe, the art teacher, steps in, pointing at "DeMartino".

MS. DEFOE :
Hold it. This man is a fraud. He hasn't got a wedding license, he is a history teacher.

"DE MARTINO" :
(without shouting any word and without eyes bulging, in a calm arrogant voice)
You are right. Mr. DeMartino has no wedding license. But *I* do...

"DeMartino" takes a step back, and his two arms pulls his head up.
At that moment the whole face, which is actually a mask, opens itself up, like in the movie "Total Recall".
It reveals… Ace Trax!

ACE TRAX :
...Hello it's *ME*: The fanfictionauthor Ace Trax.

DARIA STARR :
I'm going to be sick.

J-NINE :
This is getting rather silly...

THREE-NT :
What the hell do you call this?

ACE TRAX :
This is called "S-E-L-F I-N-S-E-R-T-I-O-N".

PRINCE TOM :
Eww. That sounds revolting.

DARIA STARR :
Is this supposed to be a Happy End?

ACE TRAX :
This is a Happy End. Do you know that 89% of all fanfic readers are Anti-Tommers.

J-NINE :
Anti-Tommers? Then how does it come, that I had married him just now.

ACE TRAX :
In any good fanfic, there should be fear, hate, anger and suffering for the protagonists...

Our four heroes pull out cattle prods and hold them against Ace Trax.

PRINCE TOM :
Make a quick divorce.

ACE TRAX :
Why? OH... from where do you guys got these cattle prods so fast from?

THREE-NT :
Never ending, forever lasting pain... hey, that is a good song title...

ACE TRAX :
Okay, okay. That are some very good arguments you hold in your hands... In the name of the planet Sloania and the powers given to me by the Lawndale Starfederacy, I declare you officially for di…… diiiiiiii Uerk ARG AOGGGGG!

Ace Trax whirls and twists in pain until a Quinnien breaks out his chest covering the wedding party in blood.

Ace Trax somehow manage to hold the Quinnien back in his chest.
He crashes through the window behind him, and falls in a huge basin of molten lead, sited at the back of the wedding chapel.

The Quinnien growls and starts singing before she and Ace Trax hit the molten lead.

QUINNIEN : (singing a song in the tone of "Oops... I Did It Again" by "Britney Spears")

Oops!… I did it again.
I braked out your chest, now it is a mess,
oh baby, baby.
Oops!... now it rings your bell:
That I'm sent from hell.
I'm just a parasite.

DARIA STARR : (under shock)
Tom, why there is a molten lead basin behind the chapel?

PRINCE TOM : (under shock)
Industrial zone planning mistakes.

J-NINE :
Well, Three-NT. It could have been worse. He could have married me with you.

THREE-NT :
Yeah, or he could have married me with Tom. (chuckles-coughs)

EXT. THE SPACETANK - SPACE
On the back of the Spacetank is painted "JUST MARRIED - but not for long."

INT. THE SPACETANK - COCKPIT
Three-NT is at sleep mode. Daria is at the steering wheel, looking with a Mona Lisa smile at her "new - but not for long" husband. Then Three-NT wakes up, Daria looks away and pretends reading a book.

DARIA STARR : (mutters)
Good afternoon, Three-NT. Finish from recharging?

THREE-NT :
Hey.….. Wife. (chuckles-coughs) Hmm Daria, when do we arrive at the "Las Wega System" for our "Twenty-Spacedollars-Five-Minute-Divorce"?

DARIA STARR :
In six hours.

THREE-NT :
So we have six hours of marriage then.
(Three-NT moves closer and put his right hand on her left hip)
Well Daria.
(he looks deep in her eyes)
I want to make use of this opportunity:
Demanding my right.

DARIA STARR : (blushes violently)
Mmmmm...

THREE-NT :
Wife! Make me a sandwich.

DARIA STARR :
...First you bring the garbage out.

Both start chuckling.

THREE-NT :
Reminds me, what happened to our honeymoon couple Janey and Tom?

DARIA STARR :
Well they spent the whole time in the backroom, since we have took off.

THREE-NT :
I wonder what they would do so long alone... Playing (chuckles-coughs) Scrabble?

DARIA STARR : (smirks)
Well, they could play certain adult games. But that would cause your "Shipper Alarm" to go off.

THREE-NT : (serious)
Ehem, Daria.

DARIA STARR :
Yes, Three-NT.

THREE-NT :
The "Shipper Alarm" was disabled in that moment, when that fanficfreak Ace Trax legally married us all.

DARIA STARR : (beat)
... well...ehem...sorry, Three-NT, if you don't mind I fall in a phase of irrational paranoia. Okay?

THREE-NT :
You are welcome.

DARIA STARR : (shouts)
ARGGGGHH!!!

Daria rushes out the cockpit into the backroom.

EXT. THE SPACETANK - SPACE

VOICE OF DARIA STARR : (hysteric)
J-NINE! TOM! Open the door at once.

The Spacetank flies on, leaving a stream of glitter behind, which form the words:


"MAY THE SALAMI BE WITH YOU."


THE END




CLOSING MUSIC: "Viva Las Vegas" performed by "The Dead Kennedys".