A happy little muse flies down from the sky and looks at the hunched over form sitting in front of a computer.
"Ne, Istoria-sama? What's the matter?" the muse asks.
"They liked it… they actually liked the whole Sano Bond thing."
"But that's a good thing, right?"
"Sure but I don't know if I can follow up the intro…"
"Sure you can," the muse smiles.
"I just don't feel like I have the same level of insanity that I had the first time I wrote this."
"Ah… I understand."
The muse looks down for a moment and then nods. She produces a large mallet.
"What are you doing with that…"
"Just hold still a second," the muse replies.
*WHAM*
"…der… four score and seven years ago…"
"Too formal."
*WHAM*
"… I'm a little teapot, short and stout…"
"Too childish."
*WHAM*
The muse looks down at the flattened form of Istoria. "Er, I think that one was a little too hard."
The pancake on the ground blinks and tries to smile. "Sano… Bond… it could work."
The muse nodded. "Well, my work is done here."
* * *
"All right people, listen up. All Bond movies open the same way. A large seemingly meaningless action scene in which Bond is almost killed but makes a miraculous, last second escape. This cost a lot of money to do, so lets try to get this right on the first try."
"Feh," Sano says sauntering on the set wearing camouflage. "If you wanted a good near death scene, I know exactly what to do and it'll cost nothing."
He walks over to the edge of the set to where Kenshin and Kaoru are standing and reading their scripts. He smiles a bit at them and looks over at Kenshin.
"Oi, Kenshin."
"Hai Sano?"
"You know what I found out last night?"
"Nani?"
"Jou-chan's real good in the sack."
There's a bit of silence while Kaoru and Kenshin process what Sano just said. And then…
"What did you just say?" Kenshin growls.
"What exactly did you just imply?" Kaoru adds, pulling out a bokken from bokken-space.
The authoress watches with a sigh as her main actor is chased around the set by two furious co-actors. He manages to run across half the field, jump onto the conveniently placed motorcycle and heads right towards the cliff.
The motorcycle flies off it and Sano jumps, pulling the strap of the parachute and begins to float ground. That is until Kaoru and Kenshin follow him off the cliff and using their respective weapons shreds the parachute, letting them all topple to the ground.
"Did we get that on film?"
"Hai, director-sama."
"Great, we'll just cut out the end and move…"
"Excuse, Miss Director," Yumi says walking over. "We have a problem."
* * *
Shishio sits in front of the studio on a plastic chair with an umbrella attached to the side. A glass of lemonade sits on the arm but he ignores it, settling for crossing his arms. In front of him are two signs which read Actor on strike, demands more diverse roles and If you typecast, I won't act.
"Shishio, you can't be serious."
He looks up at the director and then turns away.
"He is serious," Yumi adds. "And very stubborn. He always think he can get his way."
"But Shishio, I need a villian!"
"Go get Enishi then," Shishio cries.
Meanwhile on the set, said white-haired lunatic leans in to talk a bit with Shura. "So yeah, I figure dinner and a movie would be a good way to get to know each other. Only… can you die your hair black and where this kimono?" he asks, holding up the white kimono with red and purple garnishes.
*SMACK*
The trio outside cringe before the director returns to her lamentation. "I can't… he's just creepy bad guy. I need sneaky bad guy."
"I don't want to be sneaky bad guy anymore," Shishio sniffles. "Do you know the only appearances I make in fan pieces is when I try to hurt Kenshin and the rest of the gumi? And he always beats up on me. I just can't take it anymore!"
"Okay… okay, I have a solution. Let's not do sneaky bad guy. Let's do a traditional Bond villain, very classy."
"It's still a villain."
"Yes, it is, but… it's a villain with something very special."
"Really?" Shishio sniffs. "What?"
The director waves a hand and reaches into neko-space, pulling out a large, fluffy white Persian cat.
"A big fluffy kitty cat."
"Oh you can't be serious," Yumi says.
Shishio looks up at the cat for a minute and then his eyes begin to water. He quickly snatches the cat and brings it to his lap. "I'm so happy…" he cries.
"Shishio?" Yumi asks.
"I will love this kitty cat and I will name him Pussy."
"But… but that's my nickname!" Yumi cries.
"Well, a man can never have too much…"
"WOAH!" The director cries. "Rating, people, rating. We're trying to keep it PG here. So yeah, you have fun with your pussy and…"
Director pauses. She smacks her forehead and goes to Fanfiction.net, quickly changes the rating to PG-13.
* * *
"Oi, Director-sama."
"Yes, Sano?"
"I'm not in this scene!"
"Of course not, this is the opening credits."
"So?"
"Sano… have you ever seen James Bond?"
"…"
"Okay, here's the skinny. The opening credits involve a bunch of naked women writhing on the screen set to cheesy music and… why the hell are all the male actors here? I just went through what this scene was and… oh. Duh."
* * *
Darkness and then little bit of light as Kaoru, Megumi and Yumi come across the stage dressed in leotards (mention of the word naked resulted in much bodily harm to the authoress) with long tails and mouse ears on their head. They undulate or in the case of Kaoru, look like they're having a seizure, as tropical colors filter through the screen.
Three Blind Mice in a row,
Three Blind Mice there they go.
Marching down the street, single file,
To a calypso beat all the while.
They're looking for the cat,
Suddenly Shishio appears, holding up his new prize to the screen. The big cat yawns as Shishio moves back and forth to make it seems like the cat is dancing. Two second later a big hook appears pulls him off stage.
The cat that swallowed the rat.
They want to show the cat the attitude,
of Three Blind Mice.
Three Blind Mice, here and there,
Three Blind Mice everywhere.
Searching all around for the cat.
Tsunan suddenly appears from the side and walks up to the three women. He starts to move towards them but his pulled back by Sano who shakes his head as if to say, you don't dance with girls. Instead, he gives him a beer bottle and they sit there watching the girls, nodding their heads, and occasionally taking a sip of beer.
All over Kingston town pitter `pat.
They got the carving knife,
To cut the pussycat`s life,
The puss` will get the knife for triflin,
with Three Blind Mice.
A fourth woman suddenly appears and she's the curviest of them all. She slinks with the girls for a bit and then decides to give the guys a go. She dances around them and finally manages to get Sano's attention.
So beware!
Three Blind Mice,
Sano is now actually interested in something besides beer. He decides to get in a little practice for his role so he tries to seduce the woman in front of him. Lucky for him, the lights and music have rendered her blind and deaf.
Watch your step,
Three Blind Mice.
The girl pulls on Sano's shirt and starts to pull him off stage when something drops to the ground.
Deadly mice,
Three Blind Mice,
It's a large melon and another one follows suit.
Where they go?
Three Blind Mice,
Sano is confused but he picks up the melons and holds it up to the girl
What they do?
Three Blind Mice,
The suddenly very flat chest girl.
Oh, the mice!
Three Blind Mice,
The girl waves and tries to slink off.
Deadly mice!
"KAMATARI!!!"
* * *
"That was the best you could get?"
"Uh huh, director-sama."
"The best out of how many takes?"
"237, director-sama."
There's a long stretch of silence. "Let's just move on and try to get to the actual movie part."
* * *
Open up to an office. Kaoru sits at a wooden desk, attempting to type something on the typewriter. It's not going well.
"Just hit the keys in random order," the director calls.
Kaoru nods, retrieves her bokken and proceeds to hit the living hell out of the typewriter.
"I don't think it's supposed to smoke like that," Kaoru says, looking down at the mangled mess of metal.
"No, it's okay, we'll fix." The director turns to the prop man. "Make a note, no electronics are to be used when Kaoru is on the scene. Better yet… make that anything flammable… or cookable."
"Hai, director-sama."
"Let's try this again. Remember, in this scene, we have a normal banter between Moneypenny and Bond. Moneypenny has a bit of a crush on Bond so…"
"Oi, jou-chan," Sano says sauntering onto the set. "Ya should've told me. I mean, I know you're married to Kenshin but I'm up for a little play."
Kaoru stands up quickly, puts both hands on the desk and picks it up before sending it smashing down on top of Sano's head. The desk breaks in two. She shrugs a bit and lets the debris fall onto the floor.
"Nice hit, koshii!" Kenshin calls from the side. He turns to Yahiko with a whisper. "And you wonder why I never complain about doing house chores." Yahiko snorts.
"PROPS!"
"Hai, director-sama."
"Let's make an addition to the list. Make sure everything is nail down to floor for any scene Kaoru is in. And MEDIC! We have a bleeder on the set."
* * *
Twenty minutes later, the set has been rebuilt. Kaoru sits rigidly on a chair, which has been nailed to the ground. In front of her are some papers on a desk that has been nailed to the ground. In fact, the only thing that has NOT been nailed to ground is Kaoru herself.
"Let's try this again. Sano?"
"Aa…"
"Just walk in and toss your hat on the hanger across the room."
"Sure thing, boss lady."
"You can do this, right?"
"…"
"Just try it once."
Sano nods and opens the door, he takes a few steps in, removes his hat and throws it towards the hat rack. It misses by a foot and flies out a window.
"Wait, let me try again," Sano says. He walks out the door.
Sano opens the door, takes a few steps in, removes his hat and throws it towards the hat rack. It hits Kaoru instead.
"SANO!"
"Oi! It was a mistake, let try again."
Twenty-seven attempts later…
"THAT'S IT! Rig the hat up to a wire and guide it to the bloody hat hook."
"Wait! I can do THIS! I just know I can."
"And he wonders why he never wins at dice," Megumi mutters from next to the director.
"Just rig it up," the director says, burying her head in her hands.
Sano mutters but lets them do it anyway. As soon as it's a go, the prop man gives the director a thumbs up. She nods and they start rolling.
Sano walks in tosses the hat but gets caught on the wire and loses his footing, crashing into the desk and breaking it into shreds. As soon as the dust settles, Kaoru stands up.
"That was NOT my fault!"
* * *
"In the next scene, Bond and his new American friend met their first Bond girl."
"Wait a minute," Sano cries. "What happened to everything in between."
"Movies sometimes film out of sequence."
"Well, that doesn't make any sense."
The vein in the director's forehead threatens to burst. "You know what doesn't make any sense? Thinking you could just toss a hat without destroying the entire MI6 SET! So while it's being rebuilt we have to move to this part. So just pretend you met Aoshi in M's office and you're trying to find your contact. Or you can start pretending to get a paycheck, understand?"
"Yeah, I got it," Sano says sheepishly. He turns to Aoshi, who is dressed in a smart suit and standing next to him. "Director's a real slave driver, ne?" Aoshi doesn't respond. "Oi! Ice man!" Sano says giving him a little punch.
Aoshi dissolves into a fountain of plastic debris.
"Oh for the love of… someone go find Aoshi! And where the hell is MISAO?"
"We're helping her get ready," Yumi calls from off stage.
A few seconds later, Aoshi is dragged on stage and stands next to Sano without saying a word.
"Sure this is the real one?" Sano asks, laughing as he points at Aoshi. Aoshi glares at him.
"Enough playing around. Here's the deal. You two will be standing at a bar and our first Bond girl will walk in. You should be entranced by her…"
"By the flat chested weasel?"
"SANO!" Misao screams from off stage.
"It's called acting, Sano," Aoshi says.
"AOSHI-SAMA!" Misao wails.
"Everyone shut up!" The director screams. "You two, act enthralled. Misao walk out on to stage when the music picks up. Ready… action!"
The music kicks in and Sano and Aoshi turn away from the bar, scanning the crowd for someone. And suddenly… she's there, swishing across the floor. It looks like Misao, the same glittering green eyes but her long hair has been upbraided and piled on top of her head. Long slits up the side of the red dress reveal shapely legs. A low cut reveals that either Sano was very wrong or the Miracle bra really works miracles.
It's an enchanting moment and the two men are really entranced. Well, until Sano decided to speak up.
"Woah, weasel girl's got a nice ra…"
*WHAM*
Aoshi lowers his clenched fist next to his side, ignoring the twitching Sano next to him. Misao walks up to them and smiles.
"I'm looking for someone."
Sano peals himself off the floor and looks over at Misao. "I'm Bond, Sano Bond."
"You're the one I'm looking for," she replies and moves towards a seat in the back. Sano and Aoshi follow close behind. They all take a seat and Misao leans forward, giving them a good shot of her chest. Sano takes a sip of his drink while he takes in the view.
"My name is Isuku Uloto."
Sano spits out his drink and looks at her. "Come again?"
"I'm Isuku Uloto."
"Sure babe, whatever's your pleasure."
*WHAM*
Misao spares a glance at the twitching mass of Sano on the ground.
"Well, Miss Uloto," Aoshi continues. "You have some information for us?" Sano grabs the side of the table and pulls himself into the seat, being ignored by Aoshi and Misao.
"I do," Misao replies and reaches down into her cleavage. She tries to pull something out. "Damn it, it's stuck," she says as she looks down to determine what's wrong.
"I'll help," Sano smiles.
*WHAM*
Misao finally retrieves the small vial and hands it to Aoshi. "This contains the information you need." Sano, now all lumpy and half-passed out, clambers to his seat.
Misao turns to him and bats her eyelashes. "It was a pleasure meeting you, Mr. Bond. Perhaps we can continue this conversation later." She carefully places down a card key on the table and stands up to leave.
Sano eyes the card and then Aoshi. The other man is looking away, watching Misao watch away. Sano smiles and reaches out to grab the card.
*WHAM*
"That's a wrap!" the director calls. "Enough for one day people. Let's meet back here tomorrow. I don't think our main actor is going to be conscious anytime soon." The cast nods and starts to filter out leaving the authoress and the unconscious Sano behind.
The muse flies down with a smile. "See, that wasn't so bad."
"I guess," the authoress shrugs. "It's just… well… I don't know. Do you think they'll still want more?"
"Let's see, you have canon pairings in place, villains ready to go and people consistently beating the crap out of Sano. Why wouldn't they?"
The authoress shrugs. "I guess we'll see."
