To my dear friend, Pheonix, who needs a happy story. Feel better soon!!

* * *

The authoress holds desperately onto the coffee, legs curled up into chest as she stares at the blank screen. She is muttering something softly to herself but if you listen closely, you could catch the following words.

"Muse stay away, muse stay away, muse…"

"OHAYO!"

The authoress cringes at the happy voice and watches as her little bundle of musey energy settles down next to her.

"Still stuck?"

"Not at all," the authoress says. "I have another story I'm working on so I'll just let this one sit…"

"Oh! You're no fun! Maybe you just need a bit of a push…" The mallet appears from mallet-space.

The authoress begins frantically waving her hands. "No wait… see I'm typing I'm…"

*WHAM*

"Der… look at the all the pretty stars.."

*WHAM*

"…pretty birdies…"

*WHAM*

"…pretty rurounis…"

"Perfect!" The muses cries. "On with the story!!"

* * *

"All right," the director cries. "Let's get ready for the next…"

"Just a minute!" Kenshin cries storming onto the set.

"What's going on?"

"We need to clear something up!"

The entire cast slowly assembles onto the stage, quizzically looking at the redhead. Kaoru stands in the corner with her head in her hands. "Not again," she murmurs.

"Okay," the director says motioning that he has the floor. Kenshin nods and carefully crawls up the page grabbing and pulling down the following line: "…pretty rurounis…"

"Sessha is NOT pretty!" Kenshin cries. "Pretty is a word used for girl and I am NOT a girl."

"Could've fooled me," someone in the cast mutters.

"Exactly what makes you think I'm a girl!" Kenshin yells. "I've beaten all of you in a fight at one point or another. And in most of those fight you all manage to destroy my shirt so it's not like you all haven't seen I have a man's chest."

"WOO HOO!"

The cast turns to the director who just blushes and waves Kenshin on to continue.

"And… well, I've had two wives while most of you don't have the courage to make your moves," he finishes looking straight at Sano.

"OI!" Sano cries. "That ain't fair. One had to marry you to keep up the illusion."

"He's right," Tomoe calls from off stage. "Besides, if you hadn't killed my first beloved, we would never have met."

"That's true," Akira replies from next to her, his voice whistling slightly from the hole in his throat.

"Well, then… there's Kaoru-dono," Kenshin continues, still trying to prove his point.

Kaoru sighs and shakes her head, slowly muttering to herself, "please don't bring me into this, please don't bring me…"

"Ne, Kaoru-dono? Tell them." Kenshin looks very proud himself. Kaoru is trying to slink off. "Kaoru-dono?"

"Hai," she says, resigned to her fate. "Hai."

"So tell them."

"Demo… anata…"

"Nani?"

"You know… it took like three years for you to say anything." There are snickers in the crowd. "I mean, I could understand if everyone was still around but after even Yahiko left… there was that whole year of waiting. I mean for a while there…"

"You can't be serious," Kenshin cries.

"Well…"

"Hey we all thought it at one point or another," Yahiko calls out.

At the point Kenshin is looking a bit unhappy.

"And the pink shirt doesn't help," Sano calls out.

"It's not pink!" Kenshin cries, looking down at his shirt, eyes glistening. "It's… fuchsia."

Kaoru shakes her head and walks over. "Of course it is," she says, wrapping her arms around him. "Just ignore them and I'm sorry I ever doubted you. I mean, you proved that thought wrong many, many times."

"Many times?" he says, peaking through his bangs with a sly smile.

Kaoru looks at him with a raised eyebrow. "Hai," she says carefully. "And you gave me Kenji, the most beautiful, wonderful child in the world."

"That demon hell spawn?" Sano mutters to Yahiko. "What the hell has she been smoking?"

*WHAM* A random shoe hits him on the side of the head.

"Ne…anata?" Kaoru says. "There is one thing that you could do."

"Nani?" he asked, looked up at her.

She whispered something in his ear, the slightest blush appearing on her face. He smiles a bit and nods, dragging her happily off stage. A couple of cast members start to follow but the director runs after them.

"Please, please, we've already pushed the rating to PG-13. And we all know what happens to NC-17 stories on this site," she finishes pointing to the black void of deletion. The cast nods frantically and scatters about.

* * *

"Okay, so we're back tracking here to the scene where M introduces Bond's partner, the strange American agent John Smith."

"John… Smith…" Aoshi repeated looking at her. "You want me to be Agent Smith?"

"Well, yeah."

"Wasn't there an Agent Smith in another movie, the Matrix?"

"Yes."

"And he was a completely ruthless and emotionless killing… ah, I see your point."

The director smiles and motions him to the empty seat, across from Megumi who is dressed in a smart suit. The director calls action and they wait patiently as Sano attempts to open the door.

"What's the problem here?" the director calls out.

"The stupid door won't open!" Sano calls from off-stage.

"Just give it a push!"

"Are you sure that's wise?" Megumi asks.

The director ponders that and a few milliseconds later tries to make a correction. But too late, the door explodes into tiny shards.

"There, door open," Sano remarks, very proud of himself as he strolls in and takes a seat across from Megumi. "What next, director?"

"How about never touching anything on the set ever again?" the director asks, with her head in her hands. "Look, let's just try to get through this scene. Megumi you will give Sano his assignment as you too share some intelligent banter."

"Intelligent banter?" Megumi asks with her eyebrow turned upwards. "I'm afraid you've chosen the wrong actor for Bond then."

"I think we determined that about two chapter ago," the director mutters.

"OI! What's that supposed to mean?" Sano asks.

Megumi sighs. "It means 'intelligent' and 'Sano' do not belong in a sentence together."

"Hey!" Sano cries. "That's an insult!"

Megumi rolls her eyes. "I'm amazed you could make the connection."

"You know, megitsune," Sano says putting his hands on the desk, "I think you underestimate me way too often. I could surprise you one day."

"The fact that you can dress yourself amazes me," Megumi replies. "So I am surprised every day."

"And I'm surprised you can actually get out of bed," Sano snaps, "considering you've got ice running through your veins."

"Oh, that was something different. Do you want to sit down, are you feeling light headed from all that thinking?"

"The only reason I'd be light headed is having deal with your hot air every day."

"First I'm hot and now I'm cold, it figures you wouldn't know the difference."

"Well after talking with you I sure know the difference between a live woman and a frigid one."

"Considering the way you act around women, I'm surprised you can!"

"Feh, I can get any woman to warm up to me but they have to have a pulse first."

"And be in a coma as well."

"I bet you I can get the next woman to invite me up to her hotel room."

Megumi laughed "If you can't do that, then I'll eat my words."

"Would you eat them over dinner?" Sano asks, a sly smile starting to form on his lips.

"Oh I'd even pay for it!" Megumi laughs.

Sano smiles triumphantly and pulls out the card Misao had given him. "Done!"

"What?" Megumi says snatching the card and looking at it. "That doesn't count!"

"Why not?"

"I said the next girl you meet! You got this earlier!"

"Well… technically," Sano smiles, "I don't meet Misao until the next scene. So she IS the next woman I meet."

"Why you… that's NOT FAIR!"

"I never said I was fair."

"I refuse to…"

"Think they're going to go on like this for a while," the cameraman asks.

"Knowing them…" the director sighs. "Well, it was sort of according to script. I'll take it. Hey Aoshi, we need you in the next scene." Silence. "Aoshi?"

The director walks up and pokes at Aoshi, sending the plastic double clattering to the ground.

"Damn it! Where's Aoshi," the director cries.

"Ah… where the hotel card?" Sano asks, pointing to the now empty desk.

"HA! You have no proof now," Megumi smiles triumphantly.

"GOD DAMNIT IT!" Sano cries as he slams his fist onto the desk, sending the destructive shock waves through the set again.

* * *

"Director-sama?" The closet door opens a bit and the cameraman looks in. "Director-sama?"

The director shakes her head. "I thought they might get better but… it's just getting worse! I'm never going to get this film finished!!"

"Well… Saitou is in the next scene. He's pretty serious. So long as he doesn't pick a fight with Sano the next scene should go just fine."

The director nods a bit. "I guess…"

"And we managed to locate Misao and Aoshi before they could do anything to… umm… effect the rating."

"Okay…"

"And there's a fresh pot of coffee on the set."

"YOSHI!" The director cries standing up. "We must do what we must do. Let's go!"

* * *

"Misao has invited you up to her room to discuss the secret double agent, von Neinrauch. You have a discussion and then meeting the agent, played by Saitou. Let's try to get this right people."

The set comes to life and people take their places. The director is about to call action but Aoshi suddenly coughs. The director translates this as Aoshi having a gripe about something.

"Yes, Aoshi."

"I have a question," he says. "Why am I handcuffed to the chair?"

The director smiles and turns to the readers. "Oh boy… how many of you have wanted to hear that out of his mouth?" She winks at them and then turns back to the set.

"Well," she continues to Aoshi, " your ability to disappear with none of us noticing is getting a bit annoying."

"And if I promise not to do it anymore?"

"There's also that habit of hitting Sano on the head every time he looks at Misao the wrong way."

"…"

"Okay, let's begin."

Misao walks down the stairs, her normal bouncing self. Of course the skimpy dress is accentuating all the movements and the second Sano's head starts bobbing as he watches her…

*WHAM*

The entire cast stares open-eyed as the flattened Sano can barely utter an "itai" before passing out.

Aoshi quickly moves the chair over his head, arms still bound to its side, and takes his seat again.

"Ah…" the director says watching him. "Why don't we take a break? PROPS! Need a spatula to get Sano off the floor."

* * *

"Director-sama?"

"Hai, Misao."

"Do I really have to be stuck like this?"

The director looks over at Misao, who is now wearing a full-length jacket. Her feet are glue to the ground to prevent unnecessary bouncing. Aoshi is at the other end of the set, firmly attached to a chair that is firmly attached to the steel floor.

"Yes," the director says. "Okay action!"

Misao nods and starts talking. "As it said in the vial, we have a double agent within the German organization responsible for the recent bombings in Canada." Long pause. "Canada?"

"Yes," the director says. "Why?"

"It's just… well… Canada?"

"Move on! I know there has to be a Canadian fan or two in the audience and despite that I am a true-blooded New Yorker I will not make any jokes about Canada. Okay?"

"Okay," Misao nods. "Only… where in Canada?"

"Who knows? It's all freaking snow up there anyway and it's not like anyone would notice."

"Hai, I get it."

(Author note : really, I love Canada, but I'm a NYer and a comedy fic wouldn't be complete without me picking on everyone.)

"Let's try again."

Misao nods and repeats her line, allowing Saitou to make his grand entrance. Saitou for his part is doing okay as he comes down the stairs. The director attempts to ignore that distinct shaking in his hands but its impossible.

"CUT! Saitou, what the hell is…"

The minute the camera stops rolling, Saitou pulls out his cigarettes and lights one. "I hate this role," he says, taking a long drag.

"Why are you shaking?" the director asks.

"Nicotine withdrawal," Saitou hisses.

"Ha! See you should have a role like mine," Sano says, picking up the nearest bottle of alcohol. "I can have all the drinks I want."

Saitou attempts to think of a snappy retort but he decides that his cigarette is more thrilling. At that moment, a very unhappy looking Shishio comes onto the stage.

"Now what?" the director cries. Realizing she's not watching him, Sano starts to guzzle the bottle of alcohol.

Shishio sighs unhappily. "Well you see, I was petting my pussy and then it disappeared."

The entire contents of the bottle transfer from Sano's mouth to Shishio. The other man looks over, horrified that he has just been doused in alcohol.

"What did you do that for?" Shishio yells, looking down.

"But you… just said…"

"Ahous," Saitou laments. "Let's just get this stupid scene over with."

He flicks the cigarette away and it arcs in the sky and slowly makes it way towards Shishio. The poor mummy tries to react but the cigarette ignites the alcohol and suddenly we have a Shishio-kabob.

"Not again," Yumi says from off-stage, grabbing the nearest fire extinguisher.

"And there goes the set," the director says, watching as the Shishio flames ignite and destroy. "That's a wrap people."

The director grabs a coffeepot and starts to walk outside. Her muse comes down giggling.

"That was a good one, ne?" the muse asks.

The authoress looks up at her. "Please tell me you're kidding."

"Oh come on! I bet they'll enjoy it."

"If they do, I want whatever they're drinking," she finishes, walking away from the fiery inferno behind her.