Author note : Yeah, this was written on Friday but I was totally swamped and it wasn't finished and then it got left at work and then Nature dumped two feet of snow on me yesterday so turn back you clocks turn back you clocks and pretend its the right date.

Chapter 3 : Hearts and Bunnies

The authoress sits by her computer completely transfixed by a rose in an old juice bottle. Her muse suddenly filters down and stares at her curiously.

"What's going on here?" she asks.

The authoress sighs. "Works been rough and I haven't had a chance to write."

"Well… what about right now?"

The authoress smiles again. "Not right now. I'm just not in the mood to torture the men of Rurouni Kenshin."

"What the hell is going on?" her muse demands. She pulls out a PDA and starts to scroll through information. "Valentine's Day? What holiday day is this?"

"A contrived commercial holiday that forces men to buy useless gifts for their favorite women in a feeble attempt to make up for the other 364 days that they are unromantic."

The muse blinks. "Then why are you standing there…"

"Shut up," the authoress retorts. "Okay, even I get to be WAFFy every so often."

The muse nods. "I guess you're right." She waits for three seconds. "Okay that's enough of that."

"WAIT!! NOT THE MAL…"

*WHAM*

"Der… mhmmm Christmas…"

*WHAM*

"…Halloween…"

*WHAM*

"…Valentine's Day…"

The muse pauses for a moment. "Hmmm… Valentine's Day… on this set?" The muse shrugs. "Eh, it'll be worth a couple of laughs."

* * *

Sano saunters in to the set and is surprised to see Shishio, Kenshin, and Saitou huddled around talking rapidly to each other.

"What the heck is going on?" he asks approaching them.

"We just realized what today is, de gozaru, " Kenshin sighs.

"Today? What's today?" Sano asks clueless.

"It figures this ahou wouldn't know what it is."

"OI!"

"It's simple," Shishio says. "This is the one day in the year where you can make up for all the things you did wrong to your girl the rest of the year."

Sano looks surprised. "Then why do you all look so melancholy?"

Kenshin frowns. "Because if you don't get it exactly right, then you are sleeping on the couch for the rest of the year. And I don't like that at all."

Saitou raises an eyebrow. "You Battousai? I didn't think you would care about…"

Saitou pauses as a sword is leveled at his throat. "If you mention one more girly man thing…"

"Oi, calm down Kenshin. So whatever, your chicks want something. You can give them exactly what they need in the sack!" Sano begins to laugh and the other men stare at him a moment before turning away and ignoring him. "OI!"

"So what are you getting Kaoru?" Shishio asks.

"I was going for a new bokken and a set of kendo armor, de gozaru," Kenshin said. "But I have two dollars. I'm going to get a card."

"See, that's why I'm not a good guy," Shishio says. "You're always poor. I, on the hand, have an immeasurable amount of wealth to spend on Yumi."

"And you are getting her…"

Shishio's smile drops. "I have no idea. But I did get my pussy some nice feathers to tickle…"

"WOULD YOU STOP WITH THAT!" Sano cried. He pauses the scene and turns to the authoress. "Okay, you need to explain what the hell this is all p… p… well you know."

The authoress shrugs her shoulders. "Have you ever seen Are You Being Served?"

"Are you… ah, what?"

The authoress shakes her head. "Never mind, it's a British comedy and…"

"Brit… tish?"

The authoress clenches her fist. "British as in Britain. It's a country that.."

"Coun… try?"

*WHAM*

The authoress wipes off her hands and turned back to the story.

"…her fancy," Shishio finishes.

"So we're all screwed, de gozaru," Kenshin says.

"Well maybe you two are, but I know exactly what my woman wants and how to give it to her," Saitou adds. With a flick of his cigarette he walks off. Shishio and Kenshin stare at each other for a second before they take off after him.

* * *

"Okay people! Let's get started. In this third scene at MI6 there is just one thing that we need to do… NOT destroy the set. Got it Sano?"

"Ah… director-sama, I can't move my feet."

The director smiles. "Of course you can't. By keeping you in just one place, I think we might make it through this scene without any major catastrophes."

"Demo…"

"Okay, Kenshin," the director continues, ignoring Sano. "Your role is simple. You show Bond the devices and then how to work them. Here's the hard part. Do NOT hand them to him."

"Oro?"

"We'll have a stunt double take them."

"OI!"

"All right! And action…"

Kenshin nods and walks over to the table, retrieving the first item. It's a flower and he looks up at Sano as he explains what it does.

"This is a flower for your lapel," Kenshin begins explaining. "Attach to the jacket," he says mimicking the movement, "and if you press the center of the flower a small puff of gas will knock out whoever is nearby."

"Hey! Neat!!" Sano cries.

"Ne, Kenshin!!"

Kenshin cringes slightly and watches Kaoru bounds onto the set.

"Ah… Kaoru, we're in the middle of…"

The director stops cold as Kaoru shoots her a glare that says all too clearly to stay the hell quiet. The director sits on her chair and tries to drown out the confrontation with some nearby coffee.

"Ha…hai, Kaoru-dono?"

"Ne, Kenshin, do you know what day it is?"

At this point, the famous hitokiri is visibly scared, he slowly backing away as his wife approaches him. He holds up his hands to protect himself and he hears her gasp.

"A flower!! For me??"

Kenshin's eyes widen as he feels the flower slowly being taken from him. "Wait, Kaoru!!"

"What?" she says looking at him. "This is for me isn't it? Why else would you have a flower?"

Kenshin pauses and weighs his options. Either he tells her the truth and is caught empty handed and subsequently spends the next year on the couch or… prolongs things a bit.

"Ah, it is for you Kaoru-dono, but I wanted to wait to give it to you."

"Oh… Kenshin… that's so sweet."

She takes the flower and presses it to her nose, releasing the gas and promptly falling dead asleep on the ground. Kenshin takes in a long breath. Sano starts laughing hysterical.

"Man, Kenshin, you're damn lucky jou-chan passed our 'cause she would have walloped you… urk.. Kenshin… your holding my… neck… too…"

"Sano," Kenshin says evenly, amber glinting in his eyes. "We have been friends for a long time, de gozaru. And there have been many times I have wanted to do this…"

"… urk… air…" Sano can get away, as his feet are stuck to the ground, and he can only flail about as Kenshin strangles him.

"Pay me back… now!"

"Na… nani?"

"The money you owe. For all the dinners, the gambling ventures, I want my money back NOW!"

"Ken… shin… no… money…"

Kenshin's eyes are now fully amber and he picks Sano up, consequently tearing part of the floor up, turns him around with his head pointing the ground and starts to shake him. A mass of coins fall down the hole and as soon as he's sure that Sano has dropped everything, he tosses Sano to the side and jumps down the hole.

As Sano lands, he takes out part of the wall, which make the rest of the set unstable and for the third time, the set of MI6 is completely destroyed.

* * *

"Hey, do you know where I can find the director?"

The crew turns to look at the person who was trying to get their attention. "Who are you?"

"Takato, the new assistant stunts manager." The entire crew backs up. "What's going on?"

"You must have done something very evil in a past life to have landed that position."

"Huh?"

"INCOMING!!!"

Everyone ducks and a piece of flying burning wreckage comes flying over their head, followed by something more human-looking. Three seconds later the director comes running to the assembled group looking very out of breath.

"Did something happen, director-sama?"

"Ah… just a small mishap on the set." She finally notices someone new. "Who the heck are you?"

"I'm Takato, the new assistant stunts manager."

The director looks at him and then up at the sky then back at him. "You were just promoted. Let's roll."

* * *

"Okay, in this scene we finally meet our main villain, Shishio. He will be talking to the Colombian drug lord played by Hiko… who is sober for once in his life. Saitou will come in soon afterwards and we'll know that he's a double agent out to hurt Bond."

Crickets chirps in the background.

"WHAT?" The director demands.

"It's just," one of the crew start, "that's the most of the movie's plot we've ever heard."

The director sweat drops. "Well, if some people would refrain from breaking the set every five minutes we might actually prove that this is a plot to this story."

"Pl…ot?"

The director's eyebrow twitches and she finds Sano, walloping him for what he just said.

"Let's try that again. Hiko, please stand in the middle of stage."

"Center stage, director-sama," Hiko responds. "Of course, my lovely lady. Anything for the flower of the West."

The entire cast and crew freezes and stares at him.

"Why are you all looking at me like that?" Hiko asks, a British accent gracing his words. "You all appear to be lost in a fog, as if the heavens themselves have clouded your vision and made you mute."

"What the…" the director starts.

"SHISHO!" Kenshin says running up to him. "Is everything all right?"

"Why, if it isn't my most dependable and loyal student! What excellent timing, there is something I must tell you," Hiko says.

Kenshin starts to back away but before he gets far, Hiko has him in a tight hug.

"Kenshin, I have always loved you like the son I never had! I want to name you my sole heir and inheritor to my style and all my worldly possession! Kenshin… I LOVE you."

"DEAR GODS!" Kenshin cries. "HE'S SOBER!!!"

"Ah… Kenshin…"

"Get him off me!" Kenshin continues, struggling to get out of his grip. "GET HIM OFF!"

"Kenshin, I loved you since you were a little boy. You've made me so proud over the years and…"

"AHHHHHHH!!!" Kenshin screams, trying to break free from his grip.

"Kenshin! Calm down!!" the director cries. "He's just telling you the truth!"

"You don't understand!!!" Kenshin cries. "He said that if he was ever sober, I had to do one thing and one thing only."

"What?"

"Kill him."

The director sweatdrops. "It'll be all right… I mean, we'll just get him something to drink and then…"

"NO!" Kenshin cries. "Don't give him anything to drink. If he gets drunk again and realizes that we all saw him like this, he'll kill us all to protect his reputation!"

Hiko looks over and drops Kenshin at the approach of Omasu and Okon. "Ladies! Two beautiful ladies of such virtue and purity have decided to grace me with their…"

*SMACK*

"How do you think you're talking to?" Omasu demands.

"Yeah, like any woman would fall for such disgusting language," Okon cries. "Let's go find Hiko-sama."

Omasu nods and the two take off. Hiko is confused. "But… ladies…"

As soon as he is gone, Kenshin turns to the assembled crew. "Everyone listen!" he yells. "If you value your life do NOT give Hiko anything to drink."

"But Kenshin," Megumi says from off-stage. "Hiko attracts alcohol… well… like Kaoru attracts kidnappers."

The directors sighs. "I'm guessing this scene isn't being filmed today."

"Just as well, I have to go buy some presents for my pussy."

"I thought you already bought her feathers?"

"No, I need something for Yumi."

The director starts to speak and then decides she doesn't even want to know.

* * *

Meanwhile in the dark recess of the set, alone and locked away in a tiny room, Tokio Saitou lays on a bed, a single rose in her hand.

"Please Hajime-chan?"

"Tokio… you know that this is… difficult…"

"But you know how happy it makes me…"

"All right… but just for you… just today."

Saitou emerges from the darkness wearing a fuzzy pink bunny suit. He brings his hands forward and jumps around the run, little cottontail bouncing. Tokio giggles merrily.

* * *

Authoress and her muse stare at the screen.

"I really think that I should stop writing these," she says. She looks up at her muse. "Huh? Are you all right?"

"I'M BLIND!!!" the muse cries.

The authoress cringes at the muse's outraged cries. "It's you fault! You made me write this!!!"

"Not that! That was totally your own doing!!!"

"Well look at it this way, if you're blind, maybe the rest of them went blind too!" Authoress turns to the audience and waves her hand back and forth to see if they are blind. "And if they're blind… then no more chapters have to be written."