The set is dimly lit, shadows dance across the scenery. Something is dropped and it thuds on the ground, causing a few curses to filter into the air. There is general confusion as the dropped item is retrieved. Several walls shake as someone walks into them and more cursing is heard.
Suddenly the set is flooded with light. There in the middle of the mess, the authoress looks up and cringes. A flutter of wings is heard as the muse descends from the ceiling shaking her head.
"What exactly are you trying to do?" the muse asks.
The authoress picks up the nearest thing she could find, a trash can cover and stands ready to fight.
"It's over! I'm taking the set apart and burying this story in the recesses of my mind forever!!"
"Okay," the muse sighs. "I know you were sick. I know you were busy. I let you get away with that. But then there was the e-mail…"
"Crap," the authoress sighs.
"…from Haru the heart destroyer…"
"Look," the authoress said. "I love my fans, regardless of the fact that they are completely insane. Their reviews really do make me happy and all. But I think I lose a couple of hundred of brain cells every time I write a chapter in this story."
"… and you need to be true to your fans…" The mallet suddenly appears.
"I have another story people like! I'll do that one instead. Just not this one… not today!!!"
"…so time to start writing!!"
The mallet comes down and the authoress flinches, holding up her arms. There's a loud clang as the mallet hits the trashcan cover and miraculously avoids the authoress' head. There's a moment of silence.
"What the?" the muse says, shaking from the reverb.
"HA HA!" the authoress cries. "I evaded your blow. Now with my might shield," she continues holding up the trashcan cover, "I will forever be protected from your mallet."
The muse looks at her, then the trashcan cover, then at her mallet. She whistles slightly and the mallet suddenly grows to two times it size.
"Oh… crap…" the authoress manages before the mallet makes contact.
The director inches her way onto the set. She looks around nervously and makes her way to her seat. Checking it for stability and traps, she finally decides it's safe. She takes her seat only to hear a rude sound from behind her.
"Oi Director-sama! Have some beans for dinner?"
The director turns and sees Sano and Katsu laughing hysterically, a whoopee cushion clearly visibly. She clenches her fist and feels her eyebrow twitch. She grabs her mega phone and put it to her mouth, turning it up as loud as it can go.
"Listen up everyone! I know this is April Fool's Day but we will NOT be allowing pranks on this set. We're already horribly behind schedule and I will not allow anything to interrupt us. Is that understood?"
"Hai!" comes the assorted reply from the crowd.
The director lowers the megaphone and shoots a glance over at Sano to add an extra warning to him. But Sano is completely lost in laughter.
"What?" she demands.
It occurs to her that most of the set is laughing. "WHAT?" she demands.
Then she sees it in the reflection of the glass table top in front of her. She looks at the megaphone and sees the black shoe polish there in the same circular pattern that now surrounds her mouth.
"SANO!"
"In this scene, Kenshin or O will… ah… Kenshin?"
Kenshin snaps awake for three seconds and looks around worriedly. "Shishio! Don't touch that sake… bottle… zzzzzzzz."
"Ah... what the hell is going on?" the director demands.
"Sorry Director-sama," Kaoru says, suddenly appearing from off stage. "It's just… he was up all night make sure that Hiko-sama didn't find any alcohol."
"Why… oh right," the director finishes. "Where is Hiko-sama anyway?"
"WHAT?" Kenshin says, suddenly snapping awake.
"Kenshin," Kaoru says quickly, pulling at his arm. "It's going to be…"
"BAKA DESHI!!!"
Kenshin looks up, his violet eyes disappearing into white. His face pales considerably as he sees his Shishio standing at the door.
"Ororororororororororo…" he manages before collapsing onto the ground.
"Kenshin!" Kaoru cries, kneeling down and making sure he still has a pulse. Then she hears laughter.
"I still do not understand why I was made to do that," Hiko says, his English accent flawless.
"HA HA!" Sano laughs from next to him. "That was great!"
"SANO!"
"In this scene…" The director looks at the scene and throws down her clip board. She walks over to the Aoshi standing on her set and frowns.
"Stupid plastic dolls," she says pushing it towards the ground.
"Hey," Aoshi protests before regaining his footing.
The director's eyes open wide. "Oh shoot, sorry Aoshi."
He frowns and straightens his suit a bit. With an unhappy glare, he turns back to his co-star, a rather nervous looking Saitou.
"What's wrong with you?" the director asks.
Saitou shakes his head, refusing to answer.
"This isn't about cigarettes again is it? Aren't you on the patch?"
Saitou lifts his shirt to show the dozen or so patches that dot his skin. The director raises an eyebrow and looks closely. "Umm… Saitou…"
"What?" he demands.
"Did you look at these before using them?"
His eyes flare and he looks down quickly. He peels one off and brings it to his mouth, giving it a quick lick. "Sugar?"
Aoshi snickers, the director tries to hide her giggles (but fails) and Saitou's eyes turn an angry gold.
"That son of a…" Saitou scowls as he reaches into his pocket to retrieve a cigarette. He brings it to his mouth and lights it.
The cigarette explodes in his mouth and the once proud and brave Shinsengumi member is covered in soot of the explosion. Somewhere in the distance, laughter filters to the set.
"SANO!"
The director steps onto the set wearing full body armor. Megumi watches with interest as she approaches her chair.
"Is everything all right?" Megumi asks.
The director shakes her head. "No. Sano is on a prank rampage. He's already ticked off Kenshin, who I'm sure will go Hitokiri on his ass the minute he wakes up."
"I can imagine," Megumi nods.
"And then he did something to Saitou and it pissed him off so much, he grabbed Okita and I haven't seen them since."
"That can't be good," Megumi says.
"I know. Look, let's just get the scene over with and finish wrapping up."
"I thought we were filming the big chase scene." Megumi said.
"I gave the special effect guys the day off. Didn't want Sano getting any ideas that would result in dead bodies."
Megumi nods and moves towards her desk, pausing for a moment. She smiles at the director as she examines the seat and pulls out the whoopee cushion.
"As if anyone would fall for a lame trick like that," Megumi says, flipping her hair over her shoulder.
"Ah… yeah," the director laughs nervously.
Megumi takes her seat, straightens her papers and looks at the camera. The director smiles and looks at her clip board. "All we need for this shot if for you to straighten some paper and open your drawer."
"That's it?" Megumi asked.
Even the director is a bit thrown. "I guess… must be for stock footage or something." Megumi nods and at the director's cue, she shuffles some papers and opens the drawer next to her.
The moment the door opens, a dozen paper snakes pop out, shooting straight into the air and right at Megumi. She screams bloody murder and catapults back on the chair, landing in a most undignified position. As if it can't get any worse, there's movement by the camera and before the director can do anything, Sano is running away with the film.
The director's eyes open wide at the sight and she looks down at her clipboard, finally realizing that it's not an official scene write up.
"SANO!!"
"Please dear muse, I haven't asked for much. All I'm asking for is one scene to go right today, just one," the director prays.
"Is everything okay?" Yumi asks, walking up to her.
"Yes, yes," the director says standing up quickly and moving towards the director chair. She checks it thoroughly and then takes a seat. "Okay, Shishio you're sitting in your chair for this one and we'll get to meet some of your cohorts."
"I understand director-sama," he says slowly petting his cat.
"All right," the director says slowly, "first out is Chou."
The blond haired man gives a thumbs up from back stage and begin to walk forward. For three seconds, it looks like everything is going to be fine. But suddenly Chou's foot steps into a rope circle and he's snared in the trap.
A sand bag drops from the lighting rig and hits the floor while bringing Chou up into the air. It's not very far up since the tip of his hair can brush the ground as he swings back and forth. In this way, he has truly become a broom head.
The director jumps up and looks around the set looking for any sign of Sano. But there's nothing. She sits back slowly and hesitantly motions for the next person to enter.
"Director-sama, I have a problem!"
"What is it Kamatari?"
The cross dresser struggles on to the stage with obvious trouble. Her hands are in a most unladylike place, cupped around her 'breasts'.
"These things are cumbersome and heavy," Kamatari complains.
"Looks like she's really becoming a woman now," Yumi snips.
Kamatari shoots her a look. "You're just jealous because mine are usually bigger than yours."
"Yeah, the fact that your plastic falsies are larger then mine is something troubles me daily," Yumi replies.
"Well, if you want to talk about plastic…" Kamatari starts.
"WOAH! Guys come on!" the director calls from her chair. They both glare at her. "I mean… ladies. Ladies. Let's just calm down."
"Let me see those," Yumi says walking up and reaching down Kamatari's chest, wrapping her hand around one of the falsies.
"Thank you God for letting me see this," Chou says from his position upside down. It earns him a kick from Yumi and he goes back to sweeping.
"Well what do you know," Yumi says, looking at what she retrieves. "Our little Kamatari is finally a man. She now has a couple of brass balls."
Shishio snickers a bit as Kamatari snatches the item from Yumi's hand. "Let me see that. What the… this isn't mine!!"
"Director-sama, what is going on?" Yumi demands.
But the director shakes her head. "Let's just move on. All we need is Soujirou. Where is he?"
"The boy?" Yumi asks. "I saw him with Satiou a while back."
"No that was Okita."
"Who?"
"Never mind," the director waves her off. And then she hears it. Turning to the side of the stage she sees Soujirou struggling to walk.
"I'm here, director-sama!" he says, a bright and cheery smile on his face.
"Sou-chan… what the heck is wrong with you?" Kamatari asks as he tries to make his way forward.
"I must be very tired," Soujirou says, "because my feet are so heavy."
"Oh for the love of…" Yumi throws up her hands and walks towards him and kneeling in front of him and fiddling with his pants, finding several weights sewn into them.
"AH!!" Chou starts screaming. "Someone turn me around! I don't want to see this."
The meaning behind what he just said hits Yumi quickly. Turning a few shades of red, she stands up quickly and stomps over to Chou.
"Oh thank God," Chou says, the image still burned in his mind.
Yumi reaches him and gives him the kick to end all kicks. He spins upward and over the lighting and down again, repeating the process until the ropes has wrapped itself and him around the rigging.
"…ow…"
The director cringes as she looks up but her thoughts are broken by a high pitched squeal. Fearing the worst, she looks quickly over at Yumi.
"What happened?" the director demands.
"What?" Yumi says.
"Didn't you just scream?" the director asks. Yumi shakes her head and suddenly the director hers the scream again. It's coming from the stage. There, Shishio is in a state of panic, trying to revive his cat.
"Why won't you wake up?" Shishio cries.
"Shishio-sama!" the assembled Juppongatana cry (minus Chou who has been reduced to pitiful whines). Yumi reaches him first and looks at the source of his distress. A few minutes later, the other two finally get there.
By now, Shishio is near tears, the areas around his bandage becoming moist. They all have a hand around him, trying to make him feel better but from the looks of it, it's too late. Shishio's pussy is dead.
The director walks up and takes in the scene. Her eyebrow starts to twitch.
"Shishio," she says. He's still blubbering away. "SHISHIO!"
"Can't you let me grieve in peace?" Shishio cries.
"Sure," the director says. "If you want to sit there crying over a bloody stuffed animal go right ahead."
Shishio blinks and looks down at the 'cat' at his feet. Sure enough, closer inspection reveals a tag with a company name on it. By now, everyone is looking at the director with confusion.
And if to answer their question, there is an eruption of laughter that can only belong to one source.
"SANO!"
The set is quiet, most of the cast and crew having taken cover from the prank storm named Sano. A gentle breeze pushes some scattered papers across the set. A single stream of light filters from the ceiling onto the floor, a circle of untouched brightness. There is silence and then movement across the light.
He pauses a moment and looks up, his high red ponytail swaying slightly as he brings himself to a stop. His hand rests on his katana as he strikes a heroic pose.
Across from him, two more men join the circle. They are dressed in blue coats, fringes with white and they glare at the Hitokiri. But no one makes a move to attack.
A third party joins the light and though he is bandaged, they recognize him as a brother Hitokiri to the first.
The three stare at each other and nod. No matter what happened in the past, they were going to band together and defeat this menace once and…
"Kenshin! Where did you get that katana! I thought we talked about this!"
"Hajime, I thought we talked about this. No more killing people. And you know Okita-kun is sick."
"Shishio-sama, I can't believe you went ahead without me!"
The men all cower as their female counter parts come into the light and start to nag them. The lights come on and the director stomps onto the stage with Megumi in tow.
"All right, everyone calm down," the director yells. "This is ridiculous. You can't kill Sano!"
"Oh yes I can," Saitou says, unsheathing his sword. That earns him a wallop from Tokio.
"No you can't," the director repeats. "He is the star of this movie. If you kill him, there will be no movie and therefore…"
"No job," Kenshin mutters, the last bit of amber slowly fading. He quickly resheaths his sword and catches notice of Kaoru's glare. "It wasn't really going to…"
"Uh huh," Kaoru says, holding out her hand until he gives her the katana.
"You too," Tokio says, her hand out and waiting for Saitou's katana.
Yumi looks at Shishio and shrugs. "You can do whatever the hell you want."
"Thanks," Shishio smiles, shooting a happy glance at the other men and grabbing a loose bandage and snapping it like a whip.
"Everyone listen to me," the director says. "We don't have to resort to violence."
"It's true," Megumi says. "You see… I found something much, much better."
Everyone looks at her as someone emerges from the shadows.
"So then Chou's completely wrapped up on the ceiling…"
Sano can't finish. He just starts to laugh harder. Katsu tries to keep up but he's just completely lost in his friend's laughter.
"Hand on, let's grab something to drink," Sano says, reaching over and grabbing two cans of soda. He tosses one to Katsu and opens his.
Of course, when Katsu opens his, it explodes in his face, obviously the victim of severe shaking beforehand. Sano starts to laugh and suddenly Katsu doesn't think he's very funny.
"Oh….Sano?"
Sano breaks from laughing to see Megumi swishing in through the door. "Yeah kitsune, what's up? Need a few more scares or something?" Thinking himself very funny, he laughs some more.
Megumi's smile twitches momentarily but she manages to just shrug. "Okay, if you don't want to see it."
"See it?" Sano asks. "See what??"
Megumi shrugs and starts to swish away. Sano waits a minute before running after her. And demanding to know what's going on.
They're still arguing when they reach the main set but Sano stops short when he sees most of the cast and crew assembled there. It's not so much them being in one place, it's that they're all smiling… at him…
"Sano-kun."
Sano blinks and watches as his mentor, Sagara Souzou walking towards him.
"Ha…hai," Sano says, suddenly feeling very small under the Sekihoutai captain's glare.
"Your friends tell me you have been playing tricks on them."
"Well… yeah," Sano says sheepishly. "But… it's all for the holiday you know."
"Ah… I see. Well then, you won't mind if I play a little joke on you," Sagara says.
"Are?" Sano stutteres.
"Well, not a joke," he continues. "You see Sano, you're screen debut wasn't on Rurouni Kenshin."
"What are…"
Before Sano can finish his statement, a screen rolls down and a grainy film begins. Somewhere in the pit of his stomach, Sano realizes Karma's a bitch and she's about to slap him good.
~~~
A chibi-Sano waddles out on to the screen. He's obviously only two or three and barely mobile. His hair is still spiky and standing up and in his mouth is a pacifier shaped like a fish.
An announcer's voice-over begins. "When your child is in the in between stages of diapers and toilet training…"
Suddenly chibi-Sano stops and starts to cry. "I'm all wet!" he cries before sobs overpower his speech.
"…make sure to give them Pull-ups underwear to prevent any accidents."
Switch to scene of happy Sano in Pull-ups pointing to them. "I'm a big boy now!"
"Pull-ups training pants! The best for potty-training your child."
~~~
The film stops, the lights go back on and everyone is just staring in shock. Sagara looks at them with confusion.
"You have to understand," he says, believing that he's done some great wrong by putting Sano in an advertisement. "A revolution costs money. And Sano was a natural actor. We just thought…"
Suddenly the giggles start, mostly from Megumi and Kaoru. Like an infection, it spreads across the entire set and everyone is soon lost in fits of laughter so hard that they can barely see out of tear strained eyes.
Sagara sighs and walks over to Sano. "Sorry but it was only fair. From what the director-sama told me, you really caused a lot of trouble. Plus, she told me she might be able to find a job for me soon."
Sano doesn't move.
"Sano-kun?" Sagara asks waving a hand in front of his eyes.
Sano is still frozen.
Sagara goes to shake him awake but the second his hand makes contact, Sano pitches backwards and hits the ground frozen in shock.
The authoress and the muse are still giggling. "So how much would we have to pay an artist to actually draw that scene?" the authoress asks.
"I don't know," the muse giggles, "but it'd be worth it."
The authoress giggles a bit and regains her calm. She looks up at the muse and out at the audience. "Well, seeing as there was no filming in this chapter… maybe the movie will go bankrupt now."
The muse stops looking her. "Are you trying to get out of writing another chapter??"
"No, it's not like that at all!"
"Because from your reviews, there are a quite a few other muses I can call on to help me…"
"AH! Just put away the mallet!!"
"HEY! Stop running away!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH………"
