Chapter 5 : Broke and Working

"Today's seminar will concentrate on maintaining a healthy and happy writer. Now let's begin," the little winged muse begins. "Repeat after me, 'I will not mallet my author to death'. Everyone…"

In the back, Istoria's muse grumbles to herself as she stretches on the chair, glaring at the written court order in front of her.

"Anger management my ass," the muse states.


"Tell us about it."

The muse looks over at the row of people she's sitting with and smiles at her fellow muses. Roy nods at her and hands her back the mallet. Alice is flipping knives while Eko sits with her arms crossed and ki sword resting at her side.

"This sucks."

"I agree."

"Let's just split. Not like anything they're saying actually makes sense."


The set is quiet as the cast start filter in. There's a quiet hush as people gather, wondering why the director has called such a meeting. She's sitting in her chair watching them all with a huge mug of coffee in her hands.

"Director-sama," Kaoru finally says. "Is everything all right?"

The director sighs and shakes her head. "No… I'm sorry to say this, but… but…"

"But what?" Megumi demands.

"We're broke."

There are about two milliseconds of silence before everyone starts yelling. The director starts to wave her arms around until they stop.

"Look, between all the mishaps, the strange demands from the actors and well… let's face it, I have no sense of budgeting, I'm afraid that the studio is going to be closed down. I'm sorry all of you."

"But… but…" Kaoru starts, "we were doing so well."

"I can't believe we spent all the money," Kenshin says with a frown.

"You didn't," the muse says filtering down from the ceiling. "She did," she finished pointing to the director. "At Anime Boston."

"Director-dono? Is this true??"

The director looks up at the cast. "It's not my fault you all are so damn irresistible and I keep spending money on you!!"

Kaoru looks at her and starts to sniffle and cry. "How am I going to rebuild my dojo without cash?"

"Ah! You made Kaoru cry!" the muse cries.

"I didn't mean too!!" the director responds but it's too late, the mallet has appeared.

One flattened director later, the muse is still not satisfied. "Okay, listen up everyone! We have about a day before she wakes up. I think if we all go out and get a job, we should be able to get enough money to save the show!"

There are a few murmurs of dissent but they are quickly silenced as the muse begins to tap her mallet in her hand. With a collective sigh, the cast filters out to find a job that they can do.


The stage's curtain is lit up with flashing lights. Loud techno music is blaring through out the hall. Women are screaming at the tables, fist full of dollar bills. The announcer makes his way to the stage and holds the microphone to his mouth.

"Ladies and… well just ladies! Welcome to Chippendales!! You're in for a real treat. All the way from Japan, he's so hot, he's on fire… Makato Shishio!!"

And out strolls Shishio, resulting in the screaming of many a woman. He hoofs it to the center of the stage and casually drops the outer robe, leaving him in full mummy form. He takes the first bandage and begins to pull.


It's a sunny day in the park. There are families walking about with huge smiles, a couple stroll by, holding hands and smiling at each other.

And then the music cues up and out come Okita and Soujirou holding hands and skipping down the lane with identical smiles.

"Double your pleasure… double your fun…"

The two of them are very merrily going on their way, skipping in exact unison.

"Doublemint, Doublemint gum!!"

They both stop at the camera and hold up their respective packs. There's a few seconds of silence before…

"CUT! Excellent take boys. That's a print. Ah… you can stop smiling."

Which of course they don't. Instead, they take their paycheck with a smile and continue skipping off into the sunset together.


"Crap, why did I get stuck with the damn cat," Chou says holding up a feather to play with it.

"Shishio didn't want it to get traumatized by what he was about to do," Yumi explains as she files her nails. "Besides, how hard is it to watch a cat?"

"The damn thing just sits there though," Chou replies.

"Try a laser pointer," Yumi remarks. "I've heard those work very well with lower level intelligence."

"Like I have one of those."

Yumi sighs and shuffles around in her purse. She retrieves the small golden keychain attachment and holds it up for Chou. "There. Just press the button and the laser goes on."

Which indeed it does, creating a little red dot on the wall. Chou stares with wide eyes and suddenly it disappears. He sighs unhappily and Yumi presses the button again. As soon as he sees the laser, he gets happy again.

Yumi raises an eyebrow and slowly begin to move the laser so that the dot moves across the wall. Chou begins to follow it. Yumi moves it faster, Chou begins to run. She gets it to the window and Chou doesn't even stop but just runs straight into the glass.

He stumbled backwards, blood gushing out from his broken nose and lays on the ground unconscious.

"Tadaima!!" Soujirou calls out as he enters the room, holding up his paycheck. He sees Chou on the ground. "What happened to him?"

Yumi shrugs. "I don't know! I was just playing with my laser pointer and he…"

She pauses, watches as Soujirou stares at the dot. She moves it slightly and he follows transfixed. She furrows her brow in concentration and decides she has nothing to lose. She moves the pointer quickly across the wall and true to his speed, Soujirou follows it. As it reaches the opposite wall, she turns it off, giggling to herself for a moment before she realizes Soujirou is not stopping. Instead he plows through the wall and disappears.

Suddenly there are several feminine screams and Soujirou bolts out of the hole and takes off running. Several irate female cast members emerge from the hole with hastily thrown on bath towels.

"HENTAI!"

"PERVERT!"

"SO SPYING ON WOMEN WHILE THEY'RE BATHING IS WHY YOU'RE ALWAYS SMILING!"

"COME BACK HERE!"

And the horde of women takes off. Yumi meanwhile lets the laser pointer drop to the ground with surprise. It turns on as it hits and the cat looks up at what's on the wall. With a shrug, it curls up its tail and falls asleep.


"Woo hoo!! TAKE IT OFF!!"

"HURRY IT UP HONEY!!"

Shishio is still dancing. There are several bandages on the ground but the only thing that's showing is a bit of charred fingers. The women, don't seem to mind though as they are tossing dollar bills at him frantically.


"I can do this."

"Yes you can."

"I know I can do this. You believe in me, don't you Kenshin?"

"Of course I do Kaoru-dono. Now let give this a try."

Kaoru nods and they carefully reach down for the last piece of their costume. Stumbling out, Kenshin helps her until she gets her footing in the big shoes. The moment they come into view, the entire Disneyland Tokyo erupts into excited screams.

"It's Minnie and MICKEY!!"

A horde of children descend on them, making all sorts of demands and poor Kenshin and Kaoru have to deal with. Several throw kicks at their shins and both struggle to keep their composure.

"Ke… Mickey, how are there so many children??"

"I don't know Ka… Minnie-dono… owww… now, now, let's not kick Mickey in the… OWW!"

The little kid giggles and runs away, heading towards the bush where a white haired man is videotaping the whole thing. The kid holds out his hand and Enishi hands him a few yen.

"Finally… my Jinchuu is complete," Enishi smiles. "Feel the wrath of the heavens as you face this ultimate humiliation which will be distributed to multiple Internet sites rendering you …"

"ENISHI!"

Enishi cowers at the sound of Tomoe's reproachful voice. He looks up at his sister with an innocent smile. "Hai, onee-chan?"

Tomoe taps a foot, kicking up the skirt of her Snow White outfit. From behind her, Akira is trying to wrap a scarf around the wound in his neck so as not to dissuade from the Prince Charming look he has been assigned.

"The parade starts in a few minutes!" Tomoe says. "Now stop picking on Kenshin and put on your outfit!"

"But… onee-chan…"

"NOW!"

Enishi moves quickly at his sister's unusual burst of anger. He quickly puts on the last part of his costume and stands up.

"And stop sulking," Tomoe adds, walking over to Akira.

"I'm not sulking!" Enishi says from inside the big head. "And why did I have to get this one?"

"All the other dwarves were already taken," Tomoe states as she takes Akira's arm. "Now, straighten up that hat, 'Dopey' and let's get a move on."

"Stupid job… stupid dwarves… stupid… OWWW!!"

The little kid giggles as Dopey jumps around on one foot, his other still aching from the shin kick. The kid runs away and heads back towards Mickey and Minnie.

"Good job," Kenshin says, patting him on the head with one big hand and giving him some yen with the other.


"woo… hoo…"

The women are still trying to cheer but most have started to loose their voices. Drinks are being passed around to keep their throats from aching. Most of them are slumping in their chairs as they attempt to toss dollar bills on stage.

Shishio removes the shoulder bandage with a flourish and then begins an interpretive dance of a wave with it.


"I love you, you love me, we all love each other happily…"

The children are singing as the big purple dinosaur comes onto the stage. He waves at them and comes to the front of stage.

"Hi kids! Today we have a guest with us. It's Smoky the Bear and he's here to talk about the dangers of forest fire. Let's give him a big hand."

The children applaud and cheer while out lumbers Smoky. He's walking rigidly up to the stage, the large bear suit cumbersome for whoever is under it.

"Now, Smoky, why don't we tell the children why you're here today?"

"Forest fire," Smoky replies.

"What about forest fire?"

"Don't start them."

The dinosaur pauses and shoots a glance to the producer who frantically gestures for him to continue.

"Ah… okay… well, what happens if a forest fire starts?"

Smoky looks at the audience. "Starting a fire is against the law. If you break the law, then a bear will tear your insides out with his claws."

The children start to cry and the dinosaur tries frantically down. "Now kids, I'm sure Smoky didn't mean that. Right Smoky?"

"Aku… soku… zan," Smoky states clearly. More waterworks from the children. "Forget this." He pulls off the head of his costume which makes the children scream even more. He produces a pack of cigarettes and lights one.

The poor dinosaur is at a loss of what to do. There are so many problems to fix at once that he has no idea what to start with.

"Smoky… there's no smoking allowed."

Saitou looks over with a frown. He nods and puts his cigarette out in the eye of the dinosaur.

The children are now traumatized for life.


Half the women are slumped forward in their chairs, dollar bills still in their hands. The staff is sleeping at the doors. The kitchen food has long since been used up so the chefs have taken to hunting rats to make a dish.

On stage, Shishio has finally removed the last chest bandage.


"Moshi, moshi, this is Oniwabanshu repair shop," Misao replies into the phone. "Hai, we have our best technician working on your machine… let me check…"

Misao starts to walk away, the phone cord trailing behind her as she moves. "Ne, Aoshi-sama?" she says cheerfully looking in the back.

Aoshi is sitting in a meditative posture facing a computer. He opens an eye and scowls at her. Misao smiles and backs up, successfully wrapping herself up in phone cord.

"Ah, it should be done by the end of the day," she says walking back to the front. "Yes, I think we have your record here," she says walking over to a littered desk. "No wait it's over there… ah…"

Misao pauses and looks down, realizing she is completely wrapped up in the phone cord. She can barely move her legs as she turns a final time. Unable to catch herself, she stumbles forward and lands on the floor.

"I'll get back to you," she says, letting the phone drop as she passes out on the floor.

Aoshi breaks his meditative stance and looks at the computer. He is ready to begin. Reaching forward, he presses the power button. The computer begins its process happily moving along until it gets to the Windows screen and plays its little tune.

Then a question comes up.

"Windows has detected a new piece of hardware," Aoshi reads out loud. "It will attempt to locate the…"

He blinks as the screen changes. "Ah…" he says seeing that the program find a piece of hardware. "It requires installing… the monitor?"

He pauses as he considers the dilemma. He was told that the thing he was reading the message off of was called a monitor. How can the monitor display a message that it does not exist? How can the monitor not exist if it is writing things for him to read?

He reaches over and turns the power off. Obviously, he must mediate on this further. He closes his eyes and continues to ponder the ramifications of this.


The music ends and Shishio stands in the middle of the stage in all his proud glory. Mind you the pile of bandages has obscured the audience from seeing anything.

Not that the audience would care that this point. They've been reduced to decaying bodies, desperately holding onto dollar bills.

Shishio bows and collections his bandages and dollar bills and leaves the stage.


It's late on the set. The tired masses coming back from their jobs. Soujirou has several lumps on his head while Chou holds up an ice bag to his nose. Yumi is spectacularly dressed in brand new clothes as Shishio sits next to her in a new Armani suit, petting his cat. Aoshi is sitting in a corner muttering about the existence of things and Misao is still tied up by his side. Saitou is smoking a cigarette.

Suddenly the last five walk in, looking like they've been through a war. Both Akira and Tomoe are bleeding through their death wounds. Tomoe has managed to grab Enishi right ear and drags him back to the set with Kaoru following close behind with Kenshin's ponytail in a tight grip.

"What happened?" Saitou asks as he watches them trying to get settled.

"These BAKAS," Kaoru says glaring at both of them, "got into a fight in the middle of a parade."

"Enishi started it!" Kenshin cries. "If Snow White and Princess Charming hadn't starting bleeding to death again…"

"And whose fault is that?" Tomoe asks politely. Kenshin clams up and Enishi shoots him a smug grin.

"Anyway, now there are around two hundred children completely traumatized over the idea that Mickey Mouse and Dopey the Dwarf were trying to kill each other.

Saitou snorted. "I did at least twelve times that on national television."

"That you did, anata," Tokio said walking on to the set. "And here are the therapy bills for the next few years."

The cast leans over and cringe at the damage. Everyone begins tossing in money to cover the cost but when it comes to Shishio, he just shrugs.

"I guess I didn't make as much money as the rest of you." The cast stares at the two of them with daggers but it's to no avail.

"Great, so how much did we make?" Kaoru asks.

Kenshin divides up the money and counts it out. "210 yen… wait," he says taking a piece of lint out of the pile. "110 yen."

"THAT'S IT?" The cast screams.

"Wait, there are still a few people missing," Kenshin calls out over the yelling. And sure enough, Megumi and Gensai-sensei walk in.

"Ah! Doctors, they should make a lot of money. We'll be rich…"

Megumi and Gensai-sensei look at each other. "Actually, most of our patients had insurance so we're still waiting for the companies to pay us back."

"…in about 20 years," Kaoru finishes, slumping to the ground.

"Where is Sagara-san?" Gensai-sensei asks. "I left the children with him."

"As did I," Tokio says.

"Yeah, Kenji's with them as well."

There's a long pause.

Then everyone takes off to find Sano.


Sano is dangling upside down from the ceiling, tied up with multicolored scarves and wearing a bunch of feathers. As the cast barges in he can only smile sheepishly at them.

"Hey, how's it going," he smiles as the rope moves him back and forth.

"You should have known," Megumi sighs, "that he wouldn't be able to handle children. They are smarter then him."

"OI!" Sano calls out. "Listen here, Fox. They not children… they're HELLSPAWN. You should have seen their little plotting mind… ah… ladies, can you not come so close with those knives… I don't want to get…"

The cast leaves closing the door as Tokio and Kaoru go to work. Over the occasional screams of pain the cast continues to plan when suddenly Omasu runs up with a flyer.

"LOOK! Hiko-sama is playing in MacBeth down the street. He's already getting rave reviews." Everyone gets very excited (more at the prospect of a good source of income then Hiko's acting).

"Ne, Kenshin, we should go," Kaoru says remerging and wiping the blood from her hands. "It'll be good to cheer him on."

Kenshin looks at her strangely. "Ah… are you sure?"

"Of course!" she says brightly before tugging him down by the ear. "Besides, if he gets paid," she whispers, "he may decide to go on a little alcoholic celebration."

Kenshin pales and nods. "We'll do that then."


The play was a spectacular success. Hiko's acting was superb. And, if Kenshin and Kaoru eavesdropped correctly, he was going to get paid a lot of money.

"Wow, I never thought Hiko would be good at anything but drinking," Kaoru says as she and Kenshin walk backstage to congratulate him and make sure that he doesn't get near any alcohol.

"Ah, Shisho's not that bad. He just gets a bit misguided when he drinks," Kenshin says with a sheepish smile.

A couple of crew members pass by then and run into Kaoru.

"Hey, watch it!" she calls out.

"Sorry!" one of them replies. "But we wanted to hurry before the champagne was all gone."

"Yeah," the other one adds, "I heard some big guy was downing them like it was water."

Kenshin stops short. He turns pale. Looking down towards the end of the hall, his purple eyes nearly disappear into the white. And then… like the voice of Hell itself…

"BAKA DESHI!!"


The authoress wakes up, holding her hand to her head. "What happened?" She asks looking around.

"You passed out," her muse lies. "But it'll be okay. We have enough money to save the show."

"Huh?" the authoress says, completely confused.

"Yeah, isn't it great?"

"Ah… I guess so."

"GREAT! Ah… there's just one problem," the muse says. "See… we sort of lost the children."

"The what?"

"You know, Kenji, the two little bundles of girlish energy and Saitou's three sons."

The authoress blinks and looks at the muse. "Those six kids are together… unsupervised?"

The muse nods slightly.

"We are all screwed."