"Start countin' up the cash, Ed!" Eddy rubbed his hands together as he paced across Edd's room. "Man, why didn't I think of this before? Those files Double-D has on everyone are gonna make us rich beyond my wildest dreams!"
Ed looked up from where he was stacking books on top of each other. "Last night I dreamt I was a talking slice of bologna in the Land of Wieners." His eyes lit up. "Eddy! Do you think Double-D's files could make me a wiener?"
Eddy snorted. "Forget it, Ed, you're halfway there already."
"Yes, I am!" His stacking complete, Ed climbed up the book-tower and batted at the model Earth hanging from Edd's ceiling. "Eddy, look! I am a global disaster!"
Edd giggled as he entered his room, a large stack of manila folders in his arms. "Truer words have never been spoken, Ed. But, please – try to refrain from accosting my solar system, it took me hours to position those planets in perfect orbital relation with one another." He gasped as he saw what Ed was standing on. "Ed, not my dictionaries!"
"Uh, they were like that when I got here, Double-D!" Ed jumped down and whistled innocently.
Edd placed the folders on his desk before scurrying over. "Oh, just look at this!" He sadly picked up the top one. "Inch-deep footprints in my Oxford Unabridged! Ed, how many times have I asked you not to stand on my books? You know there's a perfectly serviceable step-ladder in the closet you could just as easily have used!"
Eddy rolled his eyes. "I guess he just can't resist a good nagging, Sock-head." He sat on the desk and picked up the top folder. "Give it a rest, though, will ya? We've got work to do." Flipping through the file, he snickered in anticipation. "Man, it's like cash in the bank – just look at all this good dirt we've got!"
"Ooh! Ooh! Let me see!" Ed charged toward the desk. "Dirt is my favorite color!"
"Ed, no!" Disregarding Edd's frantic yell, Ed barreled into the desk, sending it, the folders, and Eddy flying. "Oh, now look what you've done!" Edd mournfully watched his formerly-organized papers flutter to the ground. "As if it's not bad enough that I've let you two talk me into using these files in the first place, now I have to reassemble them before we can even begin! It's going to take me hours to get everything back into its proper order!"
Eddy had been lying on the ground in a daze, but Edd's words jolted him upright. "Hours? What show are you living in, Sock-head? We don't have time for that!" Picking up the nearest folder, he began stuffing papers in at random. When it was full, he brandished it triumphantly. "Voila! One folder, 30 seconds flat!"
"But Eddy, you don't know if you placed the correct papers in that file – why, you may have mixed Jonny's information with Rolf's, or Kevin's with – "
"Relax, will ya? Details are for saps who can't think big-picture, Double-D!" As he spoke, Eddy jammed papers into a second file. "Look, it's all secrets, right? Who cares what goes where – once word gets out that we've got these files, nobody's gonna want to wait around to find out how right they are!"
"But Eddy, that's – "
"Guys, look!" Ed laughed as he drew a giant slice of bacon on the wall. "I am thinking in big pictures!" He added sharp teeth and beady eyes. "It is the Bacon Fiend from 'Breakfast of Terror at Tiffany's'! Pretty good, huh!"
"My wall…indelible ink…bacon…" It was several moments before Edd snapped out of his horrified reverie. "Ed!" He rushed over and seized hold of Ed's marker. "You put that down right now, Mister!"
Ed continued, oblivious to Edd's attempt to wrest the marker from him. "Thanks for the help, Double-D!" He drew an oval and gave it an angry face. "Look, it's a Bad Egg!"
"Ed, stop, wait!" Edd clung desperately to the marker, getting dragged along as Ed continued his artwork. "Let me get you a piece of paper!"
Ignoring his friends, Eddy looked down at the page he was holding. He blinked, then turned the paper sideways. He turned it upside-down. He squinted at it.
"Hey Sock-head, c'mere a minute." Still staring at the paper, Eddy grabbed Edd and pulled him over. Ed trotted along, holding onto the other end of the marker.
"Yes, Eddy? Was there something you needed?" Edd gave another tug.
"Oh, gee, I dunno…" Eddy waved the paper in the air. "How about an explanation?!"
Edd glanced over his shoulder at Eddy, then pulled again. "An explanation? Whatever do you mean?"
"I mean – " Realizing Edd was focused more on the marker than on his words, Eddy cut off with a growl. "Ed!" He snatched the marker from both his friends, stuffed it in Ed's mouth, and twisted his ear. The marker swirled around twice before disappearing down Ed's throat with a flushing sound. "Quit distracting Double-D, will ya?" As Ed smacked his lips, Eddy thrust the paper up to Edd's eyes. "I mean, what is this? All these words – I can't read any of them! What good are secrets I can't make out?"
Edd had to push the paper back before he could focus on it. "I'm not sure I'm following, Eddy, they seem perfectly legible to me." Plucking it out of Eddy's hands, he read, "'…Subject relies upon said transitional object as a means of mediating between the fragile landscape of his psyche and the inexorable actualities of the external world, oftentimes – "
"All right, enough, you made my point!" Eddy held his hands to his ears. "None of those words make sense! It's like it's not even English!" He squinted at Edd. "What'd you do, Sock-head, use that stupid code you write your journals in?"
"Code?" Edd looked back at the paper. "N-no, that's – " He turned sharply to Eddy, hands on his hips. "How did you know I write my journal entries in code?"
"Oh, uh, I was…just guessing?" Eddy's innocent expression soured as Edd continued to frown at him. "Look, you can yap at me about that later, all right? Don't change the subject!"
"'Change the subject'?! How could – " Edd let out an exasperated sigh. "Yes, that certainly was rude of me, wasn't it?" As he spoke, he picked up his label-maker and clicked out a new label. "Thank heavens I have such considerate friends to remind me of my manners." He glared pointedly at Eddy as he plastered 'Private: Authorized Personnel Only' beneath his 'Journals' label on the appropriate drawer. "But for your information, Eddy, these files aren't in any sort of code – the language simply reflects jargon used in certain psychological circles. Perhaps I could clarify, though." Relaxing somewhat as he slipped into 'teaching' mode, he pointed to the line he'd just read. "Now, this passage has to do with – ah, let's call him 'Subject J,' shall we? All it says is that Subject J relies upon a surrogate companion to help him cope with the otherwise insurmountable discrepancies between his internal and external realities." He smiled. "It's all quite simple, isn't it?"
Ed and Eddy stared at him for long moments. A trickle of inky drool ran down Ed's chin. Finally, Eddy gave a frustrated yell. "What good are these files if you can't even translate them into real words?? How am I supposed to scare anyone into paying with this?!" He picked up a page. "Boy, I can see it now – 'Hey Kevin, you'd better cough up the dough if you don't want everyone to find out you've got – " he concentrated on the paper, "'noc-tur-nal en-ur-esis'?"
"Actually, Eddy, that's not from – " Edd ducked as a folder flew at his head.
"All my plans – ruined! No blackmail, no cash, no jawbreakers!" Eddy slumped to the ground, head in his hands. "Thanks a lot, Double-D!"
Edd approached cautiously, ready to dodge any more files. He put a tentative hand on Eddy's shoulder. "I sympathize with your disappointment, Eddy, but I must admit I'm quite thankful this plan has short-circuited so early in the process – why, I could never have forgiven myself if my innocently-gathered intelligence had caused anyone undue anxiety."
"Shut up, Sock- "
"Hey guys, whose file is this from?" Ed flipped through the dictionary he'd dented earlier. "Oh, it must be yours, Double-D, it sounds just like you!"
"Put the stupid dictionary down, Ed, we're done with – " Eddy suddenly looked up. "Dictionary?" He jumped forward and snatched the book from Ed. Grabbing one of the intelligence papers, he started looking up words. "Enur-whatsit is…bedwetting?? Someone around here still wets their bed??"
Edd wrung his hands. "N-now, Eddy, that's confidential information, we really shouldn't – "
"Bedwetting!" Eddy fell to the ground with laughter. "Man, who ever thought a dictionary could actually be useful for something! Oh yeah, we're back in business!" Sitting up, he looked at Edd and Ed. "Well? What're you waiting for?" He motioned toward the stack of dictionaries beneath Edd's model solar system. "Get to work!"
"Hi-ho the dairy-o!" Ed picked up the dictionaries and tossed them out the window. "You're welcome!"
Edd stared, wide-eyed. "That…would have been only slightly less horrifying had my window actually been open…" The corner of his eye twitched.
"ED! What the heck's the matter with you? We needed those!"
Ed blinked one eye, then the other. "Then why did you ask me to throw them out the window, Eddy?"
"I didn't, Ed, I told you to – " A growl escaped Eddy's lips as he slapped his hand to his forehead. "Forget it – Double-D, just start translating, will ya? Here, use this to find words a normal person would use." Eddy dropped the remaining dictionary at Edd's feet. "Anything over two syllables is out, got it Sock-head? And Ed, go get those other books!"
Ed stood up straight and saluted with both hands. "Okay, Eddy! Be back in a flash with a dash of mashed hash – so we can get some, um, money!" Pinching his nose shut, he ran towards the window but quickly skidded to a halt. "Oops, safety first," he explained to his friends, running over to pick up Edd's bed. He held it over his head and leapt out the window. A 'thud' could be heard from below, followed by a muffled laugh.
Edd hugged the dictionary to his chest and rocked back and forth. "It's going to be another one of those days, isn't it, Eddy?"
"Yep." Eddy half-grinned. "Is there any other kind, Sock-head?"
