"Please, Eddy, I urge you to reconsider!" Edd had to walk briskly to keep up with his two eager friends as they headed down the street. "Even if the moral ramifications of blackmail don't concern you, may I remind you once again that – "
"The files aren't in order, they're never gonna work, the world's gonna explode and you'll get a run in your stockings if we go through with this," Eddy droned in a fed-up voice. "Geez, Mom, relax! I told you a hundred times already, it doesn't matter if the stupid files are right or not as long as people think they are!" He glanced back at Edd. "Pay attention, will ya? I hate it when nobody listens to me – you don't know how annoying that is!"
Edd sputtered through several incredulous responses to Eddy's last comment before finally giving up. "I'm sorry, Eddy, but the accuracy of the files certainly does matter! Think, Eddy! If I were to threaten to reveal your most embarrassing secrets unless you paid me to remain silent, wouldn't you at least make certain that I had your secrets, and not someone else's, before handing over any money?"
"Naughty, naughty, Double-D!" Ed stopped to waggle his finger in Edd's face. "It would be so wrong of you to tell about the time Eddy ate all those pancakes and – "
"Hey, hey, hey!" Eddy leapt onto Ed's shoulders and wrapped both hands around his mouth. "Quiet, someone might be listening!" He glared down at Edd. "The lummox is right, though – you try to double-cross me with my own scam, Sock-head, and those ants of yours are Ed-chow." Ed's eyebrow shot excitedly skywards, hitting Eddy in the chin and knocking him to the ground.
"Now you leave my ants out of this!" Edd snapped nervously. "And you're missing the point entirely – I would never do something so morally bankrupt! I simply sought to establish an appropriate context to help you to see the flaw in our current plan!" As Eddy continued to stare at him with eyes narrowed, Edd sighed and sat down. "Look, let's try this another way, shall we? How about a little cautionary role-play?" He cast around until he found two sticks. "This twig – " he held up one of the sticks – "can be Eddy, while this other one will represent his intended target – oh, let's say, Kevin. Now – "
"Hold it!" Eddy grabbed the sticks out of Edd's hands and switched them around. "Kevin oughta be the short one!"
Edd blinked at the sticks, and looked back up at Eddy. He shrugged. "V-very well, Eddy. Now, as I was saying – "
"Oh boy, I know this game!" Ed crashed down next to Edd and bounced in place. "Who can I be, Double-D?"
"Um, w-why don't you just be yourself, Ed? That would be…helpful…I suppose…"
"Ready and wilted!" Ed peeled off his eyebrow and moved it over toward 'Kevin' and 'Eddy'. "And Eddy can be Double-D, he is so good at it!"
Eddy crossed his arms. "Forget it, Ed, we did that already! Besides, being Double-D gives me a headache!"
"Yes, I know the feeling," Edd muttered.
"Aw, come on, Eddy, we are helping Double-D teach us a lesson!" He sat Eddy down and pressed an acorn into his hand. "This can be Double-D 'coz it's got a hat!"
"All right, fine Ed!" Eddy closed his hand over the acorn and glared at Edd. "Well? Get on with it, Acorn-boy, we don't have all day!"
"Very well, now that I have your attention, let's begin." Edd held up his twigs. "Now as I was saying, this is Eddy, and this is Kevin, yes? Watch closely, if you will, and observe the most likely outcome of attempting to blackmail somebody using someone else's data."
"Oh, I've seen this one before!" Ed grabbed the 'Kevin' stick. "Eddy, you are a dork!!" He began whacking the 'Eddy' stick, still in Edd's hand.
"Ed – ow! – please! That's enough, you've – ouch! – made my – ow! – point!"
"What the heck was that?" Eddy threw the acorn aside and snatched his own stick from Edd. "That ain't what's gonna happen! If Kevin tries any funny stuff, he's gonna get the ol' Eddy one-two, like THIS!" He whacked his twig against Ed's.
"Good one, Eddy!" Ed laughed. "Oh, uh, I mean – it is pounding time now, you dork!" He smacked Eddy – the real Eddy – between the eyes with his stick.
"Watch it, Ed, are you trying to blind me?!" Eddy rubbed his head, leaving himself open to a whack on the elbow. "ED!" He leapt on Ed and the two rolled around in a stick-flying brawl.
"Suddenly I begin to understand Jonny's appreciation for Plank," Edd sighed, watching in resigned frustration. He looked down and let his eyes wander over to Ed's forgotten eyebrow. "Gravy," he said in his best Ed-voice, giggling at his friend's favorite expression. After a quick glance to make sure nobody was watching, he picked up the eyebrow and held it above his own eyes. "Do not feel bad, Double-D, we could not get along without you!"
"Oh, you're just saying that." Edd started to get up, but he paused. Picking up another twig – a short twig – he glanced around again, then tried out an Eddy impersonation. "No, really, Double-D, Lumpy's right! Even if I am usually too wrapped up in my own unfathomably ludicrous – no, wait, 'surefire' – plans to say so!"
"Do you really mean it?" Edd brightened a little.
"Mean what?" A girlish voice jolted all three Eds to their feet. "What're you guys doing?"
"Uhh, nothing," came three replies at once.
Nazz giggled. "You guys are too much!"
After several moments of anxious, frozen grinning, Eddy finally forced himself into action. "H-h-hi Nazz!" He smoothed back his hair, brushed the dirt off his clothes, and pulled a twig out of his armpit. "Have we got a deal for you?" Retrieving the file labeled 'Nazz' and ignoring the sweat pouring into his eyes, he shakily started over. "No, wait, that wasn't supposed to be a question – I meant, h-have we got a deal for y-you!"
Edd gasped as he realized what Eddy was up to. "Eddy, wait!" He hurried to block his way. "P-please excuse us for a moment, Nazz," he stammered, putting his arm around Eddy's shoulders and walking him out of earshot. "What in heaven's name are you thinking? You can't blackmail Nazz! Why, she'd never forgive such a deplorable act!"
"Let go, Sock-head, I'm – uh…I-I'm…" Eddy faltered as he gazed at Nazz over Edd's shoulder. "Okay, so you've got a point," he grumbled. Suddenly he snapped his fingers. "I've got it! We'll let Ed do it!"
"Ed?" Edd's look of concern quickly changed to one of disbelief. "But – "
"Shut up and listen!" Eddy wedged the remaining folders into Edd's mouth, stifling his protests. "Ed's the dumb one, right? Good-natured lug and all, yeah? So who'd ever believe he'd do anything so 'de-plode-able' on purpose? Trust me, Nazz'll cough up the cash without getting mad, it can't lose!" Ignoring Edd's fervent head-shaking, he turned to Ed. "Hey, Burr-head!"
"I just ate my shoelaces, Eddy!" Ed sat on the ground, beaming at Nazz and polishing his eyebrow.
"Whatever, Ed." Eddy stuffed Nazz's file into Ed's pocket. "How'd you like to go talk to Nazz for us? All you gotta do is get her to cough up the dough for – "
"Oh no!" Ed gasped. "Nazz is choking on cookie dough?" He tied his eyebrow around his forehead and leapt to his feet. "Do not fear, I saw 'Dawn of the Flesh-Eating Mutant Who Forgot to Chew' seven times this month! I will save her, guys!"
Nazz smiled as Ed galloped over. "Hey, Ed, what's up?" She scratched her head and giggled. "Um, nice eyebrow, is that a new fashion statement?"
"Fashion later, missy! Rescue now!" Ed shook Nazz by the shoulders. "Spit out the dough, Nazz!" He pried her jaws open and stuck his head inside. "I do not see it, Nazz!" He drew his head back out and peered at her. "Are you sure you are choking?"
"ED!!" Nazz twisted away and karate-chopped Ed to the ground. "What do you think you're doing?!"
Ed laughed. "Eddy said, 'Get Nazz to cough up the dough'!" He scratched his head and looked back at Eddy. "I thought we were just going to blackmail her, Eddy?"
"Blackmail?" Still spitting out Ed-hair, Nazz looked suspiciously at Eddy. "What's he talking about, Eddy?" She spotted the folder in Ed's pocket and pulled it out. "Is this a file with my name on it?"
"Um…er…yes?" Eddy plastered on his most charming smile, but it quickly died. "No! I-I meant, no! It's definitely not a file with your name on it, heh-heh, why would we have one of those?" He tried to tug the file away, but Nazz pulled it back and opened it. "Don't read that! It's personal!"
"What is this?" Nazz flushed a dangerous shade of red. "I don't have back-hair! And I never talk to my bicycle!" When she looked back up at Eddy, the force of her glare knocked him off his feet. "You were gonna try to blackmail me with this?"
Eddy sank into the ground as Nazz towered over him. "N-no, Nazz, I just – "
" – And it's not even right! Do you think I'm stupid?!"
Eddy sank several feet deeper. "No! I never – it was Double-D's fault, blame him, they're his files!"
Nazz turned angry eyes on Edd. "No, wait, Nazz, I can explain!" Edd yelped, ducking behind Ed. "I tried to talk him out of this!"
"No he didn't, Nazz, he made me do it! You've gotta believe me!"
"Honest, Nazz! I'd never commit so unscrupulous an act!"
"I think I am molting, guys!" Ed laughed.
"All of you, shut UP!" Nazz glared at the Eds for long moments. "I don't care which of you came up with this, you should all be ashamed of yourselves! I can't believe you were gonna blackmail me!" She looked through the file once more before hurling it down between them. "Grow up!" With that, she tossed her hair and stormed off.
Edd peeked out from behind Ed to make sure the coast was clear, then went to help Eddy out of his hole. "Well, chalk another one up to experience, I suppose…"
"Uh, Double-D?" Eddy asked.
"Yes, Eddy?"
"I don't think those files are gonna work all out of order like they are."
Edd rolled his eyes as he strained to pull Eddy up. "Boy, Eddy, I never would have predicted that!"
"Eh, don't worry about it, Sock-head," Eddy replied, completely missing Edd's sarcastic tone, "I'll let you make up for it by figuring out a better way to make some cash offa them!"
Edd inadvertently let go of Eddy and stared at him in speechless disbelief. Without a word, he turned to retrieve the stick he'd been using before, then sat down with his back to his friends. "Really, Double-D," he said, resuming his Eddy-voice. "We do listen to you, honest we do! It's just…"
As Edd continued talking to his twig, Eddy climbed out of his hole and walked over to Ed. "Man, what's his problem?" he asked, still watching Edd.
"Blame it on the bossanova, Eddy!" Ed tied his eyebrow tighter, squeezing his forehead in. "Aaah! Guys, help! My brain can't breathe!" He ran into Eddy, knocking them both to the ground. "Call the milkman!"
Edd glanced back to make sure his friends were okay before resuming his one-sided discussion. "You're right, Double-D, our time really would be better spent with some quality reading material! Could you please suggest something for us?" Yes, he certainly could see the appeal of a friend like Plank at times. In fact, he decided, if Eddy somehow did manage to make this scam work, he might just take his share of the proceeds and invest in a good 2X4 of his own.
