"Man, what a waste of time!" Eddy sat on the curb between his friends, glaring at the folders in Ed's hands. "Those stupid things are useless!"
"Cheer up, Eddy," Edd smiled encouragingly at him, "I'm sure our next utterly absurd scheme is just around the proverbial bend!" As Eddy slouched forward, muttering about who he'd really like to bend, Edd tried a different approach. "Well, try to look on the bright side, at any rate – our blackmail scam's pilot run could have – "
"Why would a pilot run, Double-D? Shouldn't he fly?" Ed's eyebrow arched in concern. "Maybe he's afraid of heights! That is so sad, Double-D! We should bake him a cake!" He produced a large grey something from his pocket. "I've got the horseradish!"
Edd and Eddy exchanged shrugging glances. "Yes, well," Edd cleared his throat, "a-as I was saying, our test run could have gone far worse had someone other than Nazz – "
"Oh man! Nazz!" Eddy grabbed Edd and ducked behind him. "What if she thinks that whole thing was my idea??"
Edd looked back over his shoulder. "Um, Eddy? Call me a stickler for detail, but the whole thing was your – mmphf!"
"Quiet, she might hear you!" Eddy continued to hold both hands over Edd's mouth as he looked around and laughed loudly. "Boy, that's a good one, Double-D, you're such a kidder!" He dropped Edd and sat back down, head in his hands. "Man, now Nazz is gonna hate me, too!" Glancing sidelong at Edd, he grumbled, "I feel so much better now, Sock-head, thanks a lot!"
Ed stopped cleaning his ear with his horseradish and frowned at Eddy. "Aw, cheer up little buckaroo!" He smiled vacantly. "A little horseradish can cure what the doctor ordered!"
"Get that thing away from me, Ed, it smells like feet!" Eddy slapped away the horseradish Ed held up to his face. "Besides, what I need ain't horseradish." He nudged the folders with his foot. "What I need is a way to make some cash offa these things – so both of you, quit fooling around and think, will ya?"
All three Eds sat in silence, Edd dutifully jotting down and crossing out potential ideas while Eddy glared at nothing and Ed munched on a folder.
Suddenly Ed jumped to his feet. "Ooh, I know!" He waved his soggy folder in the air. "We could crumple them up like meatballs and sell them with spaghetti sauce!" To demonstrate, he jammed his folder into his mouth. "Pass the parmesan!"
"Knock it off, Ed." Eddy grabbed a file and prepared to whack him with it, but then he paused, holding the folder out thoughtfully. "Hmm…you know, that idea's – "
"Ludicrous, unpalatable, and completely out of the question!" Edd snatched up the remaining folders and clutched them to his chest. "'Sell them with spaghetti sauce'? Please! Am I the only one around here with any scruples whatsoever?"
Ed clapped his hands. "I think I have a scruple, Double-D! Let me check for you!" He bent over and stuck his head in his jacket pocket, rooting around for several minutes before coming out with all manner of debris clinging to him. "Do scruples smell like pork chops?" He picked at a burrito now tangled in his eyebrow.
"Um…n-never mind, Ed, why don't you keep your scruple for now?" Edd edged over to Eddy. "Well, Eddy, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that we're all capable of some level of common sense – can't we use it just this once to admit that these files simply have no financial value?" He flipped through a file. "I mean, if I had time to restore them to their proper order, then maybe there could be a way to make a profit off of them, but as it stands, nobody's going to care about incorrect information about themselves!"
Eddy's face cycled through its typical range of perplexity, boredom, and annoyance as Edd spoke. At Edd's final comment, however, his 'money' look took over. "Double-D!" He jumped onto the files Edd held and grabbed him by the shoulders. "That's it!"
Edd dropped Eddy and the folders, getting pulled down himself as Eddy hung onto him. "Eddy! Please try to curb your rambunctious behavior, you know I – "
" – 'Couldn't go five minutes without complaining if my life depended on it!'" Eddy finished in a mockingly high-pitched voice. He shoved Edd aside and jumped up. "Boy, Sock-head, you're more laughs than a visit to the dentist! Give it a rest, will ya, we've got a scam to run!"
"But Eddy, you still haven't explained just what this idea of yours even is!" Edd crossed his arms and glared at the ground. "And for the record, I'm not complaining, I'm simply – "
"'Talking to hear the sound of my own voice', " Eddy rolled his eyes. "Quiet, will ya? Let me tell you my idea so you can tell me what a genius I am! Like you said, people won't believe wrong stuff about themselves…But…" Eddy grinned slyly, "Who's gonna know if it's wrong information about someone else?"
Edd looked distinctly worried. "Um, Eddy, I-I'm not sure I'm following you…"
"Sure ya are, Double-D, you only wish you weren't!" Eddy threw an arm around Edd and pulled him close, "Admit it, it's pure gold!" He waved his free hand in an arc. "Eddy's Gossip Emporium! 'We know the news you know you wish you knew!' No, wait, 'We dish the dirt, so cough up, squirt!'" He scratched his chin. "Okay, so the slogan needs a little work…"
Edd rubbed his eyes wearily. "My powers of persuasion need 'a little work,' Eddy, this idea needs to be interred in the deepest, most secluded cavern we can locate!"
Eddy growled his annoyance. "Is it fun in general that bugs, you, Sock-head, or just my brilliant ideas? Look, you don't have to do anything, all right?" He dragged Edd and Ed behind a nearby tree "Just stay outta the way and let me rack up the suckers!" Just then, he heard footsteps heading toward the tree. He peered out from behind it, and grinned widely. "Bingo…"
As Jonny skipped past, Eddy stuck his foot out and tripped him. "Whoa, watch your step there, hot-shot!" He jumped out from behind the tree. "Where're you going in such a rush?"
"Hiya, Eddy!" Jonny picked himself up and brushed off Plank. "Me and Plank were just going to the park to see if we could find a monkey! What's that, buddy?" He held Plank up to his ear and laughed. "Plank says if we don't find a monkey you'd make a great substitute, Eddy!"
Eddy slapped his knee and forced a laugh. "Good one, Plank, you're such a kidder." To himself he muttered, "Yeah, you're as funny as a history lesson…" He spoke up again. "But I've got something way better than monkeys, Jonny-boy! How'd you like some choice dirt on some the cul-de-sac's most well-known faces?"
"Dirt?" Jonny hesitated. "I don't know, Eddy, I think we'd rather have a monkey…"
"Sure, monkeys are great, we all want monkeys!" Eddy looked away so Jonny wouldn't see him roll his eyes. "Of course, with info like this, maybe you could find someone to share those meaningful monkey moments with? For example…" He snagged a folder at random and casually flipped it open. "Did you know Sarah eats a whole jar of wheat germ every morning?"
"She does? Really?" Jonny exchanged glances with Plank. "Boy, Plank, I thought we were the only ones who did that!"
From behind the tree, Edd watched with growing concern. "'Sarah eats a whole jar of wheat germ every morning'? Oh dear…" He reached out to tug at Eddy's sleeve. "Um, Eddy? Eddy, we really need to talk!" When Eddy pointedly continued his spiel to Jonny, Edd sighed in exasperation and turned to Ed. "Ed, please retrieve Eddy for me, I need to confer with him for a moment."
Ed looked up from where he had been licking leaves and sticking them to his face. "No need to ask for donuts, Double-D!" With an enthusiastic roar, he lunged out and dragged Eddy back. "Look, Eddy, just like a tree-man from 'Nightmare Oaks on Elm Street'! Pretty good, huh!"
"Stick to picking woodlice outta your head, Ed!" Eddy turned to glare at Edd. "And you – what's your problem? Can't you see I'm busy?"
"Oh, I see you're busy, all right – busy conning Jonny with patently false information, that is!" Edd put his hands on his hips. "Really, Eddy, this is even more irresponsible than your blackmail idea! Can't you see how spreading untrue gossip around the cul-de-sac can only lead to chaos and consternation for all involved?"
"So what?" Eddy shrugged. "By then we'll be home, behind locked doors and slurping down the jawbreakers! Didn't you see how Jonny jumped on that thing about Sarah?" He snickered. "He's just begging to be taken for a ride!"
"He is?" Ed perked up. "Oh boy! My turn to be the merry-go-round!" He started running, but Eddy grabbed him just in time.
"Forget it, Ed, that ain't what I meant!" He yanked him backwards, then started heading back towards Jonny. "What Jonny needs is Eddy's Gossip Emporium!"
Edd ran to block his way. "But, Eddy – "
"Hey, Monobrow!" Eddy grinned wickedly at Edd as he yelled over. "Forget the stupid merry-go-round – how 'bout showing me how you 'tree-men' deal with lumberjacks?" He gestured toward an increasingly-disconcerted Edd.
"Sure thing, Eddy!" Ed galloped over, 'branches' raised for the attack.
Edd looked around for an escape route. "No, Ed, wait, I'm not a – "
"Get the lumberjack!!" Ed pounced.
Snickering to himself as yelps and crashes rose behind him, Eddy sauntered out to greet Jonny once more. "Sorry about that, Jonny – those darn squirrels sure are getting pushy! Now where were we?"
"Plank says you were at the part where you shoveled the baloney!"
Eddy glowered at Plank. "You tell Plank to mind his own business, Jonny, before he ends up in a sawmill." As Jonny hugged Plank protectively, Eddy added, "And if that hunk of wood is so smart, did he know Sarah's a member of the 'National Union for Talkative Tree Enthusiasts and Radicals'?"
Jonny gasped. "Sarah's a NUTTER? Wow, Plank, just like us!" His face took on a faintly wistful look. "I never knew we had so much in common! What else do you know, Eddy?"
"What do I look like, a charity? No more freebies!" Eddy waved the file under Jonny's nose. "Of course, if you're ready to talk cash, I think we can come to an arrangement for a mere dollar…"
"I dunno, Eddy, I – what's that, Plank?" Jonny held his friend up to his ear.
"Jonny!" Eddy hurried on to a final tidbit before Plank could advise Jonny. "Uh…did you know Sarah's got a teapot she talks to all the time?"
"Really? She does?" Sweating, Jonny looked at Plank. "Yeah, I know, buddy – but what if it is true? Maybe you could get that girlfriend you've always wanted, Plank!" He listened for a moment. "Oh, good idea! I'll ask. Hey, Ed!"
"At your service with a salmon!" Ed leapt out from behind the tree and plucked a scrap of red fabric out of his teeth.
Jonny laughed. "Good one, Ed! But me and Plank have a question for ya!" He pointed at Eddy and his files. "Is Eddy telling the truth?"
All eyes turned to Ed, who put a finger to his mouth in thought. He blinked. He scratched his head. He tried to take a test nibble of Plank, but was immediately shooed away by Jonny. Finally he spoke up. "I'm a pepper, he's a pepper!" Chuckling, he peeled a soggy leaf off his head and stuck it between Jonny's eyes. "Wouldn't you like to be a pepper, too!"
Eddy slapped a hand to his head. "Great, Ed, we almost – "
Jonny laughed wildly, looking cross-eyed at the leaf on his forehead. "Boy, Ed, you said it! All right, you talked me into it." He dropped four quarters into Ed's pocket. "Here ya go, Ed!" With that, he grabbed up the folder and ran off towards the park. "Let's go get that monkey, Plank, I bet Sarah would love one of those!"
"Nice work, Mono-brow! Jawbreaker city, here we come!" Eddy grinned appreciatively at Ed and strolled back behind the tree. "What'd I tell ya, Double-D, this idea – " he snickered as he noticed Edd, wrapped several times around a low-hanging branch. "What're you supposed to be, a tree-snake?"
"Yes, you're just hilarious, Eddy. Thank you so much for introducing me to this new form of discomfort. Now if you don't mind, I really could use some assistance?"
"Gee, since ya asked so nice." Eddy stood on his tiptoes and grabbed the branch, pulling it down so he could loosen Edd. "Geez louise, Lumpy, you don't mess around, do you?"
Ed beamed proudly. "Satisfaction guaranteed or your nose hair back!" He pulled the quarters out of his pocket, licked them, and stuck them to his face. "Guys, look! I am Money-face, devourer of loose change!"
"Ed!" Eddy yanked Edd down and snatched the quarters from Ed. "Careful with those, will ya? You could've dented them on your thick skull!" He held them reverently in his hand, watching them glint in the sunlight. "There's no-one else I'd rather be with than you," he cooed, lovingly tracing their ridged outlines with his finger.
Edd picked himself up and looked skywards. "Yes, Eddy, the love of a boy and his pocket-change is a touching sight indeed. But, much as I hate to break up such an emotion-wrought scene, don't you think we should head down to the candy store now, before our deception is uncovered?"
"Candy store?" Eddy snapped back to the present. "Candy store! Let's go, boys, we've – Wait a minute." He ground to a halt and counted his change. "We've only got a dollar here!"
Edd smiled patiently. "Don't worry, Eddy! At a nickel per jawbreaker, that's more than enough to meet our jawbreaker needs well through today – through the end of the week, even, if Ed agrees not to jam more than one into his bellybutton at any given time!" With an apologetic glance at Ed, who was looking extremely disappointed, he continued. "Don't you remember our little talk about the ratio of nickels, dimes, and quarters to the dollar?"
"I know there's ten nickels in a dollar, Sock-head, that ain't what I was talking about!" Eddy gestured at the folders. "We've still got tons of these things left!"
Edd sighed as he caught Eddy's meaning. "Please, Eddy, can't we quit while we're ahead just this once?"
"Never quit 'til you've disgraced yourself, Double-D – that's what my brother always says!" Eddy's renewed excitement soured as he caught Edd rolling his eyes. "Look, what's the big deal? You know you want jawbreakers just as much as me and Ed! In fact," he picked up the folders and thrust them upon Edd, "Why don't you sell the next file? It's about time you did something useful – I'm sick of being the only one who ever works around here!"
Edd opened his mouth for a sharp retort, but snapped it shut and slowly composed himself as a better idea came to him. "Oh, Ed?" Smiling ever-so-slightly, he backed away to safety. "Could you please demonstrate that tree-man movie again? You wouldn't want Eddy to feel left out, would you?" He shot Eddy a deliberate grin.
Eddy's gaze shifted nervously toward Ed. "Uh, that's okay, Lumpy, you don't – "
"We are an equal opportunity employer, Eddy!" Ed laughed, lumbering towards Eddy. "I know! I will do the part where the tree-men capture the park ranger and devour him in bite-sized pieces! You'll like this, Eddy, it's a laugh in a bucket!"
"Ed, wait! Knock it off, Ed, I – ED!!"
Hands held casually behind his back, Edd strolled away, wincing in sympathy at the yelps and crashes that rose behind him. Well, he had to admit, Eddy was right – it certainly had been time for him to do something useful. Smiling only a little guiltily, he went to retrieve his stepladder, the easier to free Eddy with…eventually.
