"Man, I'd almost forgotten what these things tasted like." Eddy sauntered out of the candy store ahead of his friends, already licking the last of his jawbreaker from his fingers. "What'd I tell you, boys? Those files were a goldmine just waiting for me to happen!"
"We get jawbreakers and gold?" Ed hugged himself in excitement. "This is the luckiest day of my toenails! Can I have a solid gold toilet seat, Eddy? Please? Can I? I have always wanted to sit in the lap of luxury!"
Edd giggled as he slurped his own jawbreaker, carefully taking it out of his mouth before replying. "Eddy's speaking figuratively, Ed, I'm afraid there is no actual gold – you'll just have to make do with that enormous bag of jawbreakers on your head." He peered up at Ed. "And are you certain it's comfortable to carry those like that? That bag must weigh as much as you!" Indeed, Ed did seem a few inches shorter than normal.
"Nah, I like it there, Double-D!" Ed patted the bag. "It keeps me from floating away!"
Eddy snickered. "I bet that is a big problem when your head's full of air. But here, lemme lighten your load, Big Guy." He snapped his fingers. "Don't keep those jawbreakers all to yourself!"
"Please drive through!" Ed chuckled as he reached up and tossed a jawbreaker to Eddy. "Thank you, come again!"
Eddy caught the jawbreaker and spun it on one finger. "Now this is living, huh boys? Three bucks' worth of jawbreakers in no time – lemme hear it, Double-D, I was pure genius!"
"Yes, well, you certainly did choose your targets well, Eddy, I'll give you that – "
"Darn right I did! Jimmy just about popped his headgear to get that file on Kevin!" He snickered at the memory. "Man, what a twerp!"
Edd clucked his tongue. "Now, Eddy, it's impolite to laugh at others' insecurities. Poor Jimmy was all too eager to play victim to our scam." He shook his head in wonder. "Imagine, believing a few paltry scraps of information could actually enable him to achieve the top-dog social status of Kevin! And speaking of Kevin," he continued, amazed, "who ever thought he'd be so easily duped?"
"I did, Sock-head, that's why I'm the Eddy of this group! Of course he was gonna fall for Nazz's folder!" Eddy smugly adjusted his collar. "You just gotta know what bait to use for what sucker!"
"I like to use my socks as bait, guys!" Ed beamed. "When they get gummy enough I can stick my toes in the freezer and they come out covered in fish-sticks!"
Eddy frowned as Edd turned around to stare at Ed, his face an unhealthy shade of green. "Ed! Don't distract Double-D when I'm gloating!" Eddy spun Edd back to face him once more. "Are you listening to me? I said, just think how stupid Mr. Macho's gonna look when he tries to impress Nazz with the junk in those files!"
Edd twisted his shirttail anxiously. "N-now that you mention it, Eddy, I'm more concerned with how we'll look once Kevin decides to exact his vengeance upon us…"
"Oh!" Ed grabbed Edd and spun him around once more. "Could Kevin help me grow a moustache, Double-D?"
"Ed!" Eddy whirled Edd back to face him. "Knock it off!"
"Would both of you stop doing that?" Edd snapped, righting himself after a few wobbly steps. "At any rate, Ed may actually have some semblance of a point there, Eddy – a change of identity certainly may be in order if we hope to escape Kevin's wrath once he discovers our deception!"
"Yeah, right, like he'll find out." Eddy shrugged disinterestedly. "Trust me, Double-D, we're in the clear!" Edd still looked worried, so he added, "Look, if he does suspect something, we'll just blame it on Nazz, all right? We'll say she's – she's just pretending not to be interested 'coz she doesn't like him – yeah, I like that!"
"Well, I don't – "
"Eddy's got it made in the shortbread, Double-D!" Ed put his hand on Edd's head and turned him around yet again, but this time he kept spinning as he spoke. "Kevin will not blame us because you are not Nazz and I am not Nazz and Eddy is not Nazz and Kevin knows that Nazz we are not!" He laughed, spinning even faster despite Edd's protests. "Right, Eddy?"
"Close enough, Lumpy." Snickering, Eddy pulled Edd away, only to whirl him around himself while Edd yelped for him to stop. "It makes perfect sense, everyone knows I'm the one she's really got the hots for!" With a final spin, he released Edd. "Got it, Sock-head?"
Edd staggered around, his eyes swirling dizzily. "Ah…so this is how you two attain such impressive heights of self-delusion…" He backed into Ed, dislodging one of the jawbreakers from the bag on Ed's head. It struck him with a loud 'thunk,' knocking him to the ground. "You know, for once you both make perfect sense…"
"Now you're talking!" Eddy grinned and elbowed Ed. "Make a note, Ed, we've gotta get a swivel chair for him."
Ed blinked slowly. "I thought my name was Nazz, Eddy?"
*****
"Come, Wilfred!" Rolf walked Wilfred down the street, a book balanced on the pig's head. "We must practice if we are to earn the Golden Hooves of Waltzing!" Nodding in satisfaction as Wilfred trotted smoothly forward, Rolf turned to his other animals. "Victor! Must Rolf tell you again? Tip on toes of daintiness, do not indent the ground with your oafish stomping!" He was so engrossed in directing his livestock that he didn't notice Kevin until he'd backed into him.
"Rolf! Watch it, will ya?" Kevin bent down to pick up the file he'd dropped.
"Rolf begs your forgiveness, hotshot Kevin. Please, allow his poultry to assist in the retrieval of your runaway papers." He turned to bark an order at his chickens.
"That's okay, Rolf, I got it." Kevin jammed the papers into his folder and held it behind his back. His gaze shifted to Wilfred. "Uh, Rolf, it looks like your pig wants a bedtime story…"
Rolf indignantly adjusted the book on Wilfred's head. "Foolish burger-chewer! The balancing of the Shepherd's Almanac is a time-honored tradition in the teaching of porkish poise! Do you know nothing of the Annual Livestock Dance?" He pulled out a picture of himself and his cow, both decked out in formal wear and looking decidedly dissatisfied as they posed next to a large, metallic udder. "Last year Rolf earned only the Copper Udders of Attendance, but he will not be shamed again!"
Kevin raised an eyebrow as he inspected a chicken, resplendent in silk slippers and blue tutu. "Dude, you get weirder every – " His comment ended in a gasp as Nazz appeared at the other end of the lane. "Nazz!" Flipping through his folder, he skimmed its contents for something he could use. He blinked in surprise as he came upon one line in particular, and looked back down at Rolf's chicken. After checking the file again, he shrugged and grabbed the bird. "Yo, Rolf, can I borrow this for a minute? Thanks!" With that, he ran over to Nazz, chicken in tow.
"Kevin, come back!" Rolf shouted. "Gertrude is the star of the all-fowl ballet!" He snorted as Kevin continued towards Nazz. "The shameless ignorance of this can-I-get-it-to-go land soils Rolf!" He turned to his livestock. "Come, we shall honor these twenty-four-hour-fresh barbarians no longer – " Just then he was knocked aside by Sarah, who stalked past dragging Jimmy by the wrist.
"Come on, Jimmy, let's go before that stupid Jonny finds us again!"
"But Sarah," Jimmy held up a file as he stumbled to keep up. "We don't need to – aaah!" The file suddenly flew open and Jonny bounced out, grinning from ear to ear.
"Hey, Sarah, wait up! Me and Plank weren't finished! What's that, buddy?" He held Plank up to his ear and nodded. "You're right, we should start over from the beginning!" He flourished a roll of paper and cleared his throat. "Roses are red, soy milk's off-white – "
"I told you, Jonny, I don't want to hear your stupid poem! And I don't want your stupid presents!" She hurled a knotted plant-holder down at Jonny's feet. "I don't like soy milk, I don't like macramé, and I don't like you! Now if you don't leave me and Jimmy alone I'm gonna stuff that stupid board RIGHT DOWN YOUR THROAT!"
The force of Sarah's yell sent Jonny tumbling end over end, knocking him into Rolf. "Hiya, Rolf!" He looked up and laughed. "Wow, from down here you look like you're a million feet tall! Too weird!" He hopped to his feet and readjusted the clip-on bowtie fastened to his t-shirt. "Hey, didja see me and Plank wooing Sarah? I think she's falling for us, huh, Plank!" He sighed happily. "Doesn't she have the voice of an angel?"
Rolf blinked at Jonny. "Have the muskrats made off with your senses, Jonny Cabbage-head? Rolf has not heard such screeching since his Nana sat on her dentures!"
"Yeah, nobody yells like Sarah." Jonny half-closed his eyes and grinned dopily. "Isn't it wonderful?" He ran back over, yelling, "Hey, Sarah, did you know Plank can speak four different languages? He says to tell you – whoooah!!" Rolf looked down at Jonny, who was once more staring up at him from the ground at his feet.
Sarah stomped up, hands balled into fists. "That's it, Jonny, I told you to stay away!" She reached for him, but Jimmy stopped her.
"Don't mess up your new manicure, Sarah!" Jimmy adjusted his headgear in as macho a manner as possible. "There's a new big-shot in town!" He strode over to Jonny, but suddenly faltered, at a loss for what to do next. Turning his back on Jonny, he leafed through the file he'd bought.
"What'cha reading, Jimmy?" Jonny stood on tiptoe and peered over Jimmy's shoulder. "Hey, look Plank, he's got a file just like us!" He squinted at the words as Jimmy tried to pull away. "Wow, Kevin hates birds?" He cackled wildly. "Boy, I never woulda guessed that, would you, Plank?"
"Hating birds makes you tough?" Jimmy scratched his head, but resolutely shut the file. He faced Jonny once more. "Listen up, Mister Interrupty-Pants, you leave my friend Sarah alone or I'll – " pointedly looking over at Rolf's chickens, he let out a shriek. "Birds!" He collapsed in a melodramatic faint, then immediately sat up to gauge its effect. "Am I tough now?"
Jonny guffawed appreciatively. "Boy, Jimmy, that's a good one! Me and Plank haven't seen anyone so scared since the time we put all that birdseed in Eddy's pockets while he was sleeping!"
Jimmy frowned at his file, then dropped it with a thin wail. "Sarah! It's not working!"
"What's not working, Jimmy?" Sarah rushed over to her friend. "What were you trying to – hey, what is this?" Her brow wrinkled in puzzlement as she picked up the file. "Information on Kevin?"
"It was – it was supposed to make me tough, too, Sarah," Jimmy blubbered. "I was gonna be the coolest boy in the cul-de-sac but it didn't work!" He threw his arms around Sarah and dissolved in tears. "Broken dreams can be so cruel!"
Rolf boggled at the scene before him. "Have you all been struck with the tentacles of foolishness today? Rolf has not seen such village idiocy since his Nano consumed an entire container of livestock polish and frolicked through the house wearing only a turnip!"
"Hey! Who're you calling a – " Sarah gasped and pointed over Rolf's shoulder. "Duck!"
"Duck? Are the Ed-boys – " Too late, Rolf turned around and was hit in the face with an elegantly-dressed chicken.
"Keep that thing away from me, Kevin, it probably has fleas or something!" Nazz did not sound happy as she backed a very confused-looking Kevin onto the scene.
Kevin picked up the hen and held it out to Nazz once more. "But Nazz, I thought you loved chickens!" He snuck another peek at his folder. "Don't you like to, you know, hug them and stuff?"
"Hug chickens?" Nazz made a face. "What kind of weirdo do you think I am, Kevin?"
"But – "
"Kevin's holding a chicken?" Jimmy sniffled with confusion. "I thought he was afraid of birds?"
Kevin darted a glance at Jimmy before turning his attention back to Nazz. "Yeah right, you'd have to be a real dork to be afraid of some dumb bird!"
"But I thought – my file said – " Jimmy sat back down and resumed his sobbing. "Sarah! I'm not like Kevin after all!"
"You? Be like me? Keep dreaming, Toto. What's going on here?" Kevin dropped the chicken and turned back to Jimmy, grabbing his file and flipping through it. "Is this supposed to be about me? Dude, you've been had!" Suddenly his scowl returned. "Wait, don't tell me – those Eds sold you this, didn't they?" His eyes widened as he looked back at his 'Nazz' folder. "S-so that means…"
"It means what I've been telling you all along, Kevin – I don't like chickens!" Nazz sniffed haughtily. "Why would you even think – hold on." She snatched Kevin's folder out of his hands before he could hide it. "This had better not be what I think it is…"
"It's nothing, Nazz, I swear!" Kevin tried to grab the folder, but stopped dead in his tracks as Nazz glared back up at him.
"You bought one of those files the Eds were selling?" Nazz's face was livid. "You bought one on me?!? And you couldn't even tell that it was totally wrong?" She threw the file to the ground, then slammed Kevin down on top of it. "This is so not cool!"
"But Nazz, I just – "
"Ah, the plot becomes muddled like the strainings from Nana's hen-foot chowder!" Rolf picked up the files. "The I-smell-a-rat Ed-boys have made cow bottoms of you both!" Holding back his laughter, he looked over at Jonny. "And unless Rolf quacks up the wrong tree, granola-breath Jonny-boy has also been bamboozled, yes?"
Jonny looked down at his file. "Boy, Plank, do you think he's right? Could all that stuff about Sarah really be wrong?"
"Of COURSE it is, you idiot!" Sarah rolled her eyes. "I HATE folk songs!!" She crossed her arms and added, "And tofu is gross..."
"You don't like tofu??" Jonny sighed forlornly. "I guess it just wasn't meant to be, huh Plank? Okay, okay, you don't need to say 'I told you so'! Boy, Plank, you really – " Suddenly he perked up. "Hey, yeah! This is when we all usually go chase down the Eds!"
"Good memory, Plank." Kevin cracked his knuckles. "I know a few dorks who need a good pounding."
"Count us in!" Sarah grabbed Jimmy by the hand. "Come on, Jimmy, let's go show my stupid brother and his idiot friends what tough really is!"
"I feel all tingly, Sarah!" Jimmy scampered after Sarah.
Rolf laughed to himself. "The youths of this neighborhood are thick as Nana's calves to buy such flimflam from the all-sizzle-no-steak Ed-boys. Surely they will fester in the bed they have made." Shrugging philosophically, he stuffed the folders into his pocket and returned to his livestock. "Come, break-time is finished – we do not gain dancing supremacy by loafing around like salad-bar olives! Attend to Rolf and show him your tango skills!" With that, Rolf strode home, clapping in time and watching critically as his livestock danced ahead of him.
