A/N: Well, after an inexcusably long hiatus, I'm back – with profuse apologies for leaving this story just hanging, one chapter shy of completion – ugh, I hate that! I'd like to say I had a good reason, but really I just wasn't happy with the way it was going so I put it down for a while…and…uh…took quite some time to pick it back up – short attention-span strikes again! I'm back now, though, so hopefully my next story (which I expect to be a High Planes Drifter one) will come out with a bit more regularity…again, terribly sorry about the wait!
~Zephyr "Anticipation is Good for You" Samba
*****
"Hey Sock-head, you sure you don't wanna join in?"
Edd sat at the edge of Ed's backyard pond, watching with mild distaste as his friends batted a jawbreaker around the pond in a game Ed had eloquently dubbed 'Jawbreakerball'. "Thank you, Eddy, but no." He peered into the water and shivered. "I'm happier just watching you two enjoy your little wade through that roiling cauldron of algae, mosquito larva and single-celled organisms Ed calls a backyard pond."
"Aw, come on in, Double-D!" Ed splashed towards Edd, his arms open wide. "The mosquitoes tickle!"
Edd backed away as quickly as he could. "Please, Ed, just keep your eye on the, um, ball. You don't want to lose your jawbreaker, do you?"
"Don't worry, it is safe! Watch!" Ed caught the jawbreaker as Eddy slapped it back and dropped it into the pond. It didn't even break the surface. "It cannot break through the pond scum!"
"That's…fascinating, Ed," Edd put a hand to his queasy stomach. "I hope you aren't planning on eating that, though?" Ed blinked at him, clearly puzzled. "Um, never mind – at any rate, don't you two think it's time you wrapped up this little diversion? I hate to break up such a riot of bacterial revelry, but don't you feel we're pressing our luck by remaining out in the open while the fruits of our morally defunct labors have yet to be reaped?"
Eddy rolled his eyes. "Relax, will ya? Trust me, we're in the clear, there's no way anyone's gonna figure out we tricked 'em!" He grinned at Edd's dubious look. "What you need is a little distraction – hey Ed, let's see if Double-D's heavy enough to break through the scum, I bet he gets stuck just like that jawbreaker!"
"Don't you dare!" Edd yelped as Ed laughingly picked him up and held him over his head. "Eddy, call him off! Listen to me, Ed, I don't want – "
"This way, Jimmy, I think I hear 'em in the backyard!" The Eds looked at each other in horror as the sound of many trampling feet headed their way. Within seconds, all three had disappeared, leaving no trace of their presence but the jawbreaker still oozing through the slime.
****
"Faster, Jimmy, I know I heard them back here!" Sarah tugged her friend onwards, leading the mob of angry kids out looking for the Eds.
"My piggies are killing me, Sarah!" Jimmy bent over to rub one of his feet. "Darn these new penny loafers!"
Kevin knocked Jimmy aside. "Outta the way, Buster Brown, I ain't giving those dorks time to sneak away again!" He paused, scanning the backyard. "All right, where are they?"
"Hey, look!" Jonny pointed over to the wet flagstones encircling the pond. "Plank says those splashes could be a clue!" He ran up to peer into the pond. "Good tracking, Plank, you're gonna make a great park ranger someday!"
"Yeah, he'd be great with campfires." Kevin shoved past Jonny and glared into the water. "Hey! I think I see something!" With that, he pushed up his sleeve and plunged his hand into the water. "I've got it! Oh yeah, one dork surprise, coming up!"
Nazz eyed the sludgy green water with disgust. "Um, are you sure that's an Ed? I can't believe even Ed would hide in there…"
"They must've thought we'd be too grossed out to go in after 'em! They're gonna pay for this…" Kevin tugged, but was unable to move his prize. "Ugh…must be the big dork, I can't pull him out!"
"Need a hand, dude?" Nazz grabbed him by the waist and pulled, but it still wasn't enough. Soon Sarah and Jonny had joined in as well.
"Come on, Jimmy, you're missing all the fun!" Jonny reached back and snagged Jimmy's headgear with Plank, and everyone pulled. For a moment it looked like they would succeed, but then Jimmy's headgear snapped, sending him tumbling backwards as everyone else fell into the pond.
"Not cool!!" Nazz hauled herself back to shore, covered in algae. "Oh, gross, my hair is green!"
Kevin's scowl deepened as he looked at Nazz. "Oh yeah. Those dorks are gonna pay big-time." He stuck his hand into the water and yanked out…a life-sized doll, still tangled in the weeds that had kept it so securely fastened to the bottom of the pond. "What the – ?"
"My Peter Prissy-Pants!" Sarah snatched the doll out of Kevin's hands. Suddenly she frowned and looked at Jimmy. "I thought you said you saw my stupid brother eat him?"
Jimmy looked uncertainly back from the edge of the pond. "Darn my dishonesty!" he finally wailed, pressing the back of his hand to his forehead. "I confess, Sarah, I threw him in the pond – I was so jealous of his luxurious golden tresses, I couldn't stand to look at him!" He sat down, sobbing. "I'm just another soul lost to the ravages of hair-care rivalry!"
Sarah sloughed through the pond scum to come to Jimmy's side. "It's okay, Jimmy, I didn't know he upset you so much. Besides, at least we got Ed grounded for that!" She grinned wickedly.
"Forget grounding," Kevin gritted his teeth as he wrung slimy green water out of his cap. "What those dorks need is a good pounding!"
*****
Eddy peeked out from where he and his friends clung to the underside of the open patio table umbrella. Seeing that their pursuers were distracted, he hissed, "Okay, now! Let's hightail it!"
"Eddy, not another running scene!" Edd gulped. "You know how I detest those – and besides, when has such an event ever ended in our favor?"
"Well, what then? You wanna stay up here all day?"
"W-well, no, the mildew is starting to affect my sinuses…at least, I hope that's what I'm smelling…" Edd eyed Ed uneasily. "And I doubt the structural integrity of this umbrella can be maintained for much longer with the combined weight of the three of us suspended from it…"
"If only we had been bitten by radioactive accountants, we could blast our way out with our mutant-powered auditing skills like in 'The Thing from the Corner Office'!"
"Shut up, Ed, you're gonna give us away!" Eddy jammed his foot into Ed's mouth to prevent any more outbursts. "And you – you don't wanna run, you don't wanna stay here, that doesn't leave a whole lot of options, does it, Einstein?"
"It does leave one option, Eddy," Edd replied. "We could simply face our pursuers, apologize sincerely and try to reason with them like the rational, sensitive beings we all are – what do you think?"
"I think the stress is startin' to affect your brain, Sock-head – those bozos would eat us alive if we showed ourselves now! Man, I thought you were the – aaigh!" Eddy cut off with a startled shout as he glanced down and saw all five pursuers standing directly beneath them with arms crossed.
Kevin grinned up at the Eds. "You dorks sure do make a lot of noise." He looked back at the others. "Here, gimme something to knock 'em down with!" Ignoring Jonny's horrified cry, he grabbed Plank and took aim at Eddy.
"Let's go, boys!" Eddy started to swing down from their erstwhile hiding place, but his sudden movement proved too much for the umbrella and it crashed to the ground – landing squarely on the mob beneath. Eddy scrambled to his feet. "Run for it!!" He grabbed Edd and ran off as fast as he could.
"Please excuse us!" Edd called back as he was dragged off, scanning the scene behind him to be sure nobody had been hurt by the collapsing umbrella. "Ed, hurry!"
"I am already there, Double-D!" Ed raced after friends, trailing the wrecked umbrella behind him. As he passed Eddy and Edd, he scooped them up in the umbrella like fish in a net.
"Get them!" The other kids clambered to their feet, but the Eds' head start left them nowhere to be seen.
*****
Rolf clucked his tongue and glared at his animals as he filled their water trough. "Never has Rolf seen such soggy-beet dancing in all his life! We shall be the goose-bottoms of the Ball if you do not all – ayii!" He dropped the hose in surprise as Edd suddenly sat up in the trough and gasped for air.
"I'm sitting in animal water!" He cried in horror, leaping out of the trough and attempting to wipe every part of his body at once. "Filthy, germ-ridden animal water!!"
"Ed-boy?"
"Present and accountant for!" Ed rose slowly out of the water, laughing as he looked at the pigs nearby. "Cool, I feel just like the corn-man who got eaten by the animals in 'Radioactive Nightmare at the Animal Farm'!"
"Would you two knock it off!" Eddy popped up next to Ed, glowering at both his friends as he jumped out of the trough. "Hiya, Rolfie-boy! Nice day for a swim, eh? Me and the boys were just testing the water for you – that's only gonna cost you a quar – "
"Why must you Ed-boys foul the water of Rolf's livestock?" Rolf frowned at the Eds, pulling Ed out by the back of his jacket. "He suffers already under the burden of clumsy animals and needs no more to fill his barnyard shed!"
Edd smiled nervously as he wrung out his hat. "We apologize, Rolf – you see, my friends and I found ourselves in somewhat of a…well…uncomfortable situation back at Ed's house, and needed a place to hide – "
"Oho! Could it be that the hard-luck Ed-boys have once again quacked up the wrong tree?"
Edd blinked, bewildered, and glanced back at Eddy for assistance. Eddy only shrugged in shared confusion. "Um…I-I suppose one could say that, Rolf…"
"Yes, all-brain-no-brawn Ed-boy, Rolf has captured your drift!" He pulled out the folders he had taken from Kevin and Jimmy, and waved them in front of the Eds. "Yet again your rapscallion dealings have brought the turnips of wrath upon your thick-headed noggins, as the cul-de-sac festers with the call to Ed-boy thrashing!" Rolf's eyes lit cunningly. "But perhaps Rolf could help to put off these festivities if the price were ripe – what say you, in-the-doghouse Ed-boys?"
Eddy snorted. "Forget it, Rolf, we ain't – " Suddenly Edd jumped in front of him, his eyes ringed as the sounds of pursuit grew nearer.
"W-what Eddy meant to say, Rolf, was that your assistance would be greatly appreciated! Name your price, I'm sure we can come to some sort of agreement!"
Rolf nodded in satisfaction. Reaching into his shirt, he pulled out what looked to be an octopus wrapped around a pickle, fastened to a chain around his neck. "Then place your hands upon the Medallion of Lucky Bargaining, and let the flim-flaming begin!"
"Oh, great, more bumpkin-time fun with Uncle Cabbage-head!" Eddy growled as he reached for the medallion. "Thanks a lot, Double-D…"
"We can argue the finer points of culpability later, Eddy…" Edd shut his eyes and turned his head away as he reached out for the medallion. "Just tell me when this is over…"
*****
The crowd of vengeance-seekers was growing less enthused by the moment. Only Kevin and Sarah, still at the head of the pack, showed any sign of interest in continuing the pursuit.
"Those Eds have gotta be around here somewhere!" Kevin slowed to a halt, scratching his chin as he looked around. "Where haven't we checked yet?"
"Nowhere, Kevin – there isn't anywhere we haven't checked!" Nazz stifled a yawn, tired and bored with their long search. "Face it, we've lost them! Maybe they got Ed's mom to drive them to a movie or something?"
"No way, Nazz, my mom wouldn't take Ed anywhere without me!" Sarah glared around the neighborhood as if trying to scare the Eds out of hiding by the force of her stare alone. "They're around here somewhere, I know it!" Suddenly she snapped her fingers. "Hey, maybe they're at Rolf's?"
Jimmy shuddered. "Rolf's pigs give me the willies, Sarah!"
"And besides, we already checked there, Sarah, don't you remember?" Nazz brushed at her clothes in disgust. "I don't think I'm ever gonna get the smell of cow out of this shirt!"
Kevin shrugged. "We might as well go ask Rolf if he's seen them anyway, you never know where those dorks are gonna turn up." He slammed his hand into his fist. "And the next time they do turn up, they ain't getting away without a pounding!" With that he led the straggling group onwards to Rolf's.
When they arrived, they found Rolf in his garden, pulling eggplants out of the dirt and giving them a thorough polishing before planting them once more. "Ah, the sight of the well-soiled eggplant brings tears to Rolf's eyes!" He glanced up at the newcomers. "Welcome, friends! Come, do not be ashamed to weep at the beauty of Rolf's produce!"
"Later, dude – we've got dorks to thrash first." Kevin looked around the Eds-less barnyard. "You mind if we check your shed?"
Rolf shook his head. "There could be no sneaky Ed-boys in the shed of Rolf, for it is currently in use for the bathing of his swine. Rolf must ask that you respect the privacy of his livestock!"
"But Rolf, we've looked everywhere! They've gotta be in there, I know it!"
"You doubt the word of Rolf?" Rolf set his eggplant aside and stood up, glaring down at the kids before him. "You shall regret this day, hot-shot Kevin, for it is a grave thing indeed to insult the son of a shepherd!" Over his shoulder he called, "Nana! Warm the Spatulas of Dishonor for Rolf!"
"Oh boy, Plank, we get to see a real live duel! Just like in the movies!"
Kevin glanced uncomfortably back at Jonny before returning his attention to Rolf. "Sorry, dude, we believe you – forget it, we don't need to look in your shed. Maybe we'll go check the park again – but if you see those Eds, don't let 'em get away!" Kevin turned and led the groaning, complaining group onwards to the park.
Rolf watched them go, nodding in satisfaction when they were out of sight. With one final glance around to be sure no one was watching, he went back to his shed and opened the door. "Rolf has fulfilled his part of the bargain – his story was bought as eagerly as day-old cheese at the Muskrat Festival! He grinned in amusement as he surveyed the scene within. "Very good, Ed-boys, you honor the Great Octopus of Bargaining with this enthusiastic display!"
"H-heh, yes, well, we're just grateful for your kind assistance, Rolf…" Edd smiled weakly, then turned to Eddy. "You know, Eddy, I remember a time in my life when I thought I'd reached an all-time low because I was dancing with a vase…" He spun around with his new dance partner, Wilfred the pig, careful to avoid stepping on his hooves. "It's funny how relative the term 'all-time low' can be, don't you think?"
"What're you complaining about, Sock-head?" Eddy groused, yanking at the horns of the cow he'd been paired with. "At least you don't have to drag 600 pounds of hamburger around the dance-floor!"
"What is this bellyaching, greasy Ed-boy? You must forget your couch-potato ways if you are to prepare Rolf's livestock for the upcoming Ball!" Rolf gestured at Ed, who twirled gleefully around the room, covered in chickens. "Seek to be more like your lack-wit companion, his enthusiasm ensures Rolf's chickens will be the stars of the all-poultry competition!"
Ed laughed with joy as he danced with the chickens. "This is even better than Jawbreakerball, huh Eddy! Please can't we go to the ball itself? Please please please, oh please?"
"Shut up, Ed, we ain't goin' to the stupid barn dance!" Eddy grumbled, still trying to get his cow to move. "Stupid cow, move!! Man, I never knew how much I hate cows!"
"Cheer up, Eddy," Edd called, gamely trying to remain positive. "At least we did manage to enjoy that entire bag of jawbreakers – and we have successfully eluded the other children's wrath – all in all, I'd say that makes this better than the average day, wouldn't you?"
"Double-D?"
"Yes, Eddy?"
"Shut up."
"Ed-boys! Cease this cackling and attend to your duties!" Rolf turned to his rickety old record-player and placed a new record on the turntable. "Enough of this old-maid slow dance, now we practice the barnyard rumba!" As the music picked up and the animals increased their pace accordingly, Edd and Eddy yelped in alarm and hung on for dear life. Ed laughed and clapped his hands as his feathered dance partners took the lead and worked together to swing him around the room.
"This is the best day of my day! Please can't we hold a chicken dance of our own, guys?"
"NO!"
