*Anima Flamma and Raziel are standing in pre-ficcy blankness. (great opening sentence, isn't it? Note the heavy sarcasm) *

Raziel: You said you had a present for me in the last chapter!

AF: ... I was hoping you wouldn't remember that.

Raziel: Well?!

AF: I'll get to it. First, let me dub you my muse!

Raziel: What?! * tries to run away*

AF: * creates a brick wall right in front of him, causing massive head injury* Hehehe. * walks over to Raziel and kicks him* Get up.

Raziel: * still slightly stunned, but standing ... barely* ... why me?

AF: 'cause my other muse ran away. Now ... * official tones* .. Raziel, I, Authoress Anima Flamma, do hear by dub thee my second muse. But I still don't own you. * to the sky* Are you happy now?! * the sue-happy people looked up, and read the disclaimer, and it was good (so my butt doesn't get sued * blows a raspberry*)*

Raziel: * can't quite come to terms* ... other muse?

AF: You remember the possessed squirt gun from BO2 bloopers, don't you? (read my bio if you don't) Well, that is my first muse. It kinda ran away. * shouts* If any author is reading this, feel free to use the possessed squirt gun, just give me a hint of where it is, okay? In fact, I encourage you to use it. Maybe then I can find the inappropriate comment deleted by Raziel the muse thing. What?!

Raziel: * nasty laugh* As a muse, I can make you post faster, right?

AF: * looking slightly worried* Yes.

Raziel: That also means I can edit the language, or /your\ language if I so choose. * evil laugh* If I want, I can make it so /all\ your comments are deleted. Now, what about my present?

AF: * wondering just what the inappropriate comment deleted by Raziel she got herself into* ... Yeah, let me get it ... * digs through pockets* ... could have sworn I put it there ... * finally resorts to opening a plot hole and is hit in the face with a pie for her trouble* ... not again! * groan* ... I left it in my room!

Raziel: Then let's go! * they teleport into AF's room* Whoa! You live in the Spectral Realm!

* AF's room has no less than - I kid you not - 6 walls that are blue. (similar to most of the rooms in the Spectral Realm) The ceiling is divided into 3 different parts, light blue with dragon posters, and a skylight. One of the walls is covered in LoK pictures. The only other things worth mentioning are the bed, computer, and TV. Let's just ignore the mess that hides the floor right now, shall we? (this is my /actual\ room^_^)*

AF: Not really. It's got to be here somewhere. * dives into one of the mess piles*

Raziel: Don't you ever clean your room?

AF: * pops out of the pile and moves to the next one* Of course. I cleaned it last weekend. It just never stays that way. Didn't yours? And watch out for George.

Raziel: * thinking of the rescue teams that disappeared in his room* Nope. * a large tentacle reaches out from under the bed and grabs him* AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

AF: * very cross* George, drop! *the tentacle lets go and slithers back under the bed*

Raziel: What was that?!

AF: Mom always said something would grow under there.

Raziel: Did you find it yet? * hops gingerly onto the bed, and sits down. A large black /thing\ promptly attacks him* AHHHH! GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME!

AF: * comes over and peals a cat off Raziel* Raziel, meet my pet cat Raz. Raz, meet your namesake Raziel. * drops Raz onto Raziel's lap*

Raziel: Umph! What a big cat! (Raz actual weighs 15 pounds)

Raz: * purrs* * translation: Oh, good. Dinner.*

Raziel: * scared. Apparently he can understand Cat. Who would have guessed?* Find it yet?

AF: * jumps out of yet another ceiling high pile* Got it! * teleports them into the Sanctuary of the Clans*

Raziel: * whining and jumping up and down* Gimme gimme gimme! * notices the others* ???

* Sebastian is still wearing his pink dress (yet another BO2 blooper gag. I miss it so much! *sobs*), Marcus, and Faustus are sitting on Kain to keep him there, Moebius is sitting in a corner crying about who-knows-what, and a young saraphim is flying around the ceiling*

Raziel: * whispering* Why are they * points to Sabby and co.* here?

AF: * whispers back* I threatened them with the possessed squirt gun. They don't know It's gone yet, and it /better\ stay that way.

* Raziel rethinks his plan to overthrow AF with their help and control the fic*

AF: Gather around one and all! I have a new game for you to play! It's called Team-Playing-With-a-Rubik's-Cube or I-Want-To-See-Several-Very-PO'ed- Vampires-and-Time-Streamer-Not-To-Mention-A-Soul-Reaver-Get-Into-A-Fight- For-No-Good-Reason. * collapses on Kain's throne out of breath. Then sits up and throws the Cube at Raziel*

Raziel: AAAAAHHHHHH! Get it away! * hides behind the young saraphim*

AF: On second thought ... * motions the young saraphim over* Sit by me, Janos. I don't want you to get hurt. * Janos grins and blows a raspberry at the others before sitting on one of the throne's arms*

Raziel: But what about me?!

AF: You're my muse. You have to play. 'sides, this is your present. * the others back away from Raziel as if he has the plague* The rules are simple. You take one turn, then pass it to the next vic- I mean player. * takes the Cube and gives it several twists, thereby making it impossible to put back to the way it was*

All but AF and Janos: * Noooooo! * groan*

AF: Who's first?

Raziel: Me!

Moebius: Mmmmmeweeeeeeeeee! * all stare* What?

Sebastian: Mine!

Kain: * tries to sneak out the door, but AF summons an Author Barrier. No one except an Author can cross ... and running into one /hurts\* OW! * cries and whimpers, then hides behind the throne*

Marcus: I should go first to give you weak-minded losers an example that you can strive to follow.

Faustus: * has also noticed the Author Barrier, and has bounced across the room as a result* The pain!

Raziel: I go first 'cause I'm the muse! * end of argument. He picks up the cube and twists it*

Sebastian: * untwists Raziel's move* Wrong direction!

Faustus: * copies Raziel's move*

Moebius: Let me! *grabs the cube and attempts to move one square to the other side*

All players: CHEATER! * they all smack him* Owies. * crawls behind the throne*

Kain: My hiding spot! *throws Moebius onto Sebastian*

Sebastian: You got mud on my dress! *thwacks the Time Streamer*

*and so on and so on ...*

many hours later

* the boys have finally managed to organize themselves so that it /looks\ like they might solve the Cube. We can't have that now, can we?*

AF: * gets a twisted idea* Kain? Why don't you go join them?

Kain: * sulking* They won't let me.

AF: They better. Hey guys! If you don't let Kain play, I'll sic the possessed squirt gun on you! And throw Raziel back into the Abyss!

* low and behold, they let Kain join in the fun and reindeer games.*

Kain: My turn! * smiles, laughs, and with one twist, undoes /all\ their hard work.*

* Faustus punches Kain in the face giving him a bloody nose. Kain swings back, but misses and hits Marcus. Marcus turns and thwacks Sebastian, apparently for a nasty thought, and Raziel kicks Moebius.*

AF: Finally! I knew I could count on Kain to start a fight! * notices Janos looking* No! You can't watch! I need you to be sweet and innocent for my other ficcy! *teleports him into a /huge\ entertainment room with the entire LoK series* That aught to keep him sweet and innocent!

* While the reader was distracted by the Authoress's little speech, Moebius had kicked Kain in the groin. Kain promptly fell over and curled into a fetal position, while knocking over Raziel. This PO'ed Raziel off, so he summoned the wraith blade and swung at Moebius. Moebius brought out his stupid staff and disabled the wraith blade then whacked Raziel over the head, knocking him out.

* Sebastian noticed that the puny human took out both Kain and Raziel, so he decides to attack with his Dark Gift. However, Moebius saw him coming and disabled Sebastian's Berserk. Then Sebastian tripped and slid across the highly waxed floor, courtesy of Turel's chores, and hit his head on Raziel's thick skull, knocking himself out.

* Faustus decided it wasn't nice of Moebius to do that to his big brother, so he jump-attacked him. Unfortunately for Faustus, Moebius saw it coming and dodged while disabling poor Faustus's Dark Gift. Faustus continued to sail across the room ... and into the wall, knocking down Dumah's sign. Now you know what happened to it. Unfortunately, that was also where the pile of unconscious vampires (and one Soul Reaver) is. Even more unfortunate, Dumah's sign was knocked loose. It fell and crushed them.

* Marcus took one look inside Moebius's mind and keeled over*

Moebius: * lecherous grin at AF* Now my dear, for you.

AF: * squeaks and tries to use Author Powers* What did you do to my Author Powers, you ugly old man?!

Moebius: * slightly crestfallen* You're not going to call me evil?

AF: Kain is evil. You're just ugly. And old. I doubt the man part though.

Moebius: My good friend Writer's Block disabled your Author Powers. And now I'll prove the man part personally!

* AF screams and runs away, and Moebius chases. AF climbs on top of the Balance Pillar and pulls out a cell phone*

Moebius: Come down from there!

* AF takes off her shoe and throws it at him. Sense she couldn't hit the broad side of ... a really broad thing, the shoe misses and hits Raziel in the head, who was just staggering to his feet*

Raziel: *THWACK* Oh, look at the purddy stars ... * back in la-la land*

AF: * decides outside help would be in order, and dials the cell phone* Yes, it's an emergency! No I can't hold!

Moebius: I can hear you!

*AF whispers into the phone*

Moebius: Come down! * tries to climb up*

AF: No! * glides across the room as the wall begins to bow* Hehehe.

Moebius: What? * he is now confronted by two mysteries: the now winged Authoress and the very curved wall. Fortunately for him, he won't have to strain his brain for much longer*

AF: * the wall explodes* Muhahaha! * Magnus lumbers through the wreck* Sic him Magnus!

Magnus: Meat!

the following scene has been deleted to spare the sensibilities ... and the stomach of the reader

AF: Down, boy! * Magus sits* Look at this! * shudders while thinking "serves him right" and mentally laughing* This needs to be picked up. * uses now-fully operational Author Power to clean the room, restore consciousness to the unconscious, and resurrect Moebius, while adding a shock collar*

Kain: * sits up* Magnus! * Magnus bounds over and gives Kain doggy kisses*

Faustus: How sweet!

Sebastian: * covering his face, somehow his dress stayed clean thru out the fight* I don't know him, he's not my older brother, we never met.

Marcus: * whimpers while reading Magnus's mind* He wants to /EAT\ us!

Raziel: * looking at AF* How did you get him here?

AF: I'm friends with some of the wardens at the Eternal Prison. * pushes the button on Moebius's remote controlled collar. He screams*

Raziel: * now staring at AF* And how long are you keeping him?

AF: * pushes the button and listens to Moebius scream* Don't know. * remembers Janos* !!! * teleports Janos into the room*

* Janos is picking at his chest and is bleeding*

All: ?!

Raziel: What are you doing?!

Janos: * innocuously* I was playing Blood Omen and Kain kept finding Hearts of Darkness, so I must have more than 1. I want to see how many I have.

AF: ... Kain ... no I don't trust you, * mentally compares the others* Faustus, you seem like the lesser of many evils. Why don't you take him over to Sharri so she can show him the X-ray machine in her lab? * Janos and Faustus leave*

Raziel: Come on, we have to go.

AF: * mashes the button and laughs at Moebius* Where? * Raziel glares* Oh. Bye everyone! See you next time! * they shudder* What was that?! * they instantly turn into smiles and cheerfulness* I left a copy of Moebius's shock collar control on the throne in case you get bored. * there is a huge rush for the control and much sinister laughter as AF teleports herself and Raziel to the blankness of the pre/post-fic world*

Raziel: First, you have to do your shout outs. Then I have a few questions...

AF: * grumbling* Yeah, yeah. * happy again* Shout outs to:



Wise Man Domingo: * tackles and hugs* Thankyouthankyouthankyou! ^______^ You reviewed my poem! I wish practice-writing projects helped. All they do for me is make me frustrated. A Devil May Cry parody does sound like a good idea. You should do one. I keep asking Raziel, but, well, just watch. First some simple questions. What is your favorite color?

Raziel: Blue. Duh.

AF: * holding a heavily spiked mace* Who's you favorite author?

Raziel: * gulp* ... y-you?

AF: Very good! Now, what happened when you lost your Shift Glyph. * Raziel begins to twitch and whimper* Did you get anything out of that? It happens every time. Maybe I'm asking the wrong questions?



dizzy: Thax! See you soon.



Silveriss: Fun to watch, I assume. It wasn't fun to do the actual battle. Maybe I should get a stunt double. I like my name too^_^



Venris: Bible Salesmen?! Hope this wasn't too long of a wait.



Raziel: * recovers* Now the question. Where did you get wings?!

AF: * looking at them* Don't know. But they're cool, aren't they? I've decided to let my Authoress persona develop independent of the real world. ^_^ So shape changes are to be expected.

Raziel: ... Okay. Just don't let Kain stand behind you.

AF: To my readers: If you review this story, you get a Moebius shock collar remote. If you review one of my other stories and mention it, you get your choice of pointy or blunt objects. If you review my poem ... you get your choice of pointy or blunt object X2 /plus\ 5 minuets in a room alone with any LoK character!

Raziel: You're bribing your readers?!

AF: * shrug* It worked before. Also, is there any author reading this who's interested in a collaboration? Please?

Raziel: Enough begging. You know they never respond.

AF: * sigh* I know. * sniffle*

Raziel: And shouldn't you be doing your math homework? Go. Do. Now.

* AF blows a raspberry and walks off the screen as it fades to black*