The Dry Spell
Chandler slouched down onto the ratty orange couch in Central Perk. Joey and Ross were also there, Joey with a muffin, Ross with Emma.
He spontaneously wondered if his friends were having sex. Well, Joey was, naturally; the man had sex more than a dog in heat. And Ross probably was too - rumor had it (well, with the person spreading the rumor being Phoebe) that since he and Rachel had finally hooked up, they were little sex fiends.
So then it was just him. For some reason, Monica hadn't been in the mood lately. Chandler had calculated that she was ovulating the week before, but she hadn't made a single move. In fact, he seemed to be resisting him more and more fervently, insisting she was "way too tired" or "totally not in the mood."
Chandler was pulled from his thoughts as Ross sighed heavily. He and Joey looked up, but did not say anything.
Ross sighed again.
"What is it, Ross?" Chandler droned.
"Do you guys ever... uh... go through dry spells?" he asked, looking uncomfortable. Chandler's jaw dropped.
"Psht, no," Joey said, waving his hand dismissively. "Why - problems in the bedroom?"
"Kinda," Ross said. "It's just - well, when we do it, it is good, you know? But in the past, I don't know....two weeks or so? Nothing. She hasn't even suggested it. I want to think it's because of Emma." He said setting her down into her carrier.
"You're kidding!" Chandler burst out. He reddened as Joey and Ross looked at him. "It's just... I've been going through the same thing with Monica!"
"What - a dry spell?" Joey asked.
"No, Joey, Monica and I secretly had a baby and THAT'S why we're not having sex!" He spat sarcastically. "Yes a dry spell! I've come home from Tulsa like three times, and she never wants to do it! Before, she would be in my pants the moment I walked through the - "
"Dude, she's my little sister?" Ross interrupted, looking disturbed.
"Sorry; but you get the picture!" Chandler covered his eyes with his hand.
"No see, I don't WANT to get the picture." Ross said after a long pause. Meanwhile, Joey was close to hysterics. "C'mon, Joe, just because you've slept with the entire Tri-state area - " Ross started again.
"Would you guys just ask for help?" Joey said.
Chandler looked at Ross, and then yelled, "No! We will not ask for help."
"Yes you will."
"Will not."
"You will."
"Nope."
"If either of you ever want to get laid again, you'll ask me how you do it." Joey looked triumphantly from one desperate face to the other.
"Joey, please tell us how to get our women in bed, O sex god of the east village," Ross deadpanned.
"I knew you'd break," Joey said, leaning forward with a smile. "All right. Well you already know about the success of the Europe story, but as they know that neither one of you would ever backpack in the foothills of Mount Tipidabo, we may need to try a different tactic."
"Yea. I know the success of that." Ross added, pointing to Emma.
"Okay. First of all, how are you guys suggesting it?" Joey asked. Chandler and Ross shrugged and mumbled.
"I just said that I want to." Chandler said.
"Yea. Me too." Ross added.
"THAT'S problem number one: You need to make them feel like there is no one else you would want to do it with. Not even Courtney Cox, or, or, Jennifer Aniston. You want THEM." Joey began.
"Well, I always thought Monica was prettier than Courtney Cox." Chandler said simply.
"Yea, and Rachel looks way better than Jennifer-" Ross began.
"Not the point guys." Joey interrupted. "The point is, they are the only women in your life that you want. Rule number two: pretend like every time is your first time! I'm sure that Rachel and Monica both remember their first times with you." Joey said. "It was special to them."
"Well, I'm not sure about Monica. She was pretty drunk........."Chandler stopped after receiving an evil glair from Ross.
"It has to be special, romantic, every time. No matter how intense or, or, hot it gets-" Joey stopped as both glared at him then.
"Joey, we haven't had sex in months, dude. Let's skip the details." Ross said flatly. Chandler nodded.
"Got it." Joey said. "Now, try something to set the mood. Candles, wine, roses. All that junk. Once they see how hard you tried, they will be all over you. You should know that Ross, your a girl." Joey said. Ross looked as though he was going to say something, and then leaned back a little instead.
"Huh." Chandler said. "I can't believe it. That actually makes sense."
"What else?" Ross said taking out a notepad and a pen from Emma's diaper bag. Chandler stared at him.
"Teacher! Ross is cheating!" Chandler joked. Ross glared. "Seriously, what the hell is that?" Chandler asked.
"My memo book." Ross said simply. Chandler stared at him for a long moment.
"C-c-come on, give me a piece." He said waiting for Ross to rip out a piece of paper. Ross did so.
"I'm sorry. You guys are sad." Joey said laughing. "No wonder you can't get laid. You're geeks. I bet you guys are even going to make it into a bet." Joey joked. Ross and Chandler looked at one another.
"Why not?" Chandler asked.
"Yea, it would help keep my mind off of the lack of sex." Ross added.
"I can't believe you are making it into a bet!" Joey exclaimed. Both ignored him.
"Okay, whoever's first to make their woman crack, gets oh........100 dollars and his dignity!" Chandler said. Ross shook his head.
"You lost that a long time ago, dude." He joked. "Okay. I take your hundred and raise it another hundred. 200 Dollars." He said.
"You're on." Chandler shook his hand. Joey leaned over to Ross' ear.
"Hey, Phoebe told me about you and Rachel." Joey said nodding. "I'm on your side, you little devil."
"I heard that!" Chandler said hurt.
"I said it loud." Joey said rolling his eyes.
"Just go!" Chandler shouted. Joey shook his head and continued.
"Next. Focus on THEM. Listen to what they are saying. Faster. Slower. Harder. That helps. Usually when you are doing a chick, you're usually too busy making yourself feel good to focus on what they want. You know, women are very self-conscious in bed. They are afraid to ask for you to please them. So you know how you could let them know you want them to feel good?" Joey asked.
"No" Ross and Chandler said in unison.
"ASK'EM!" Joey said loudly. "Oh, and give 'em oral." He nodded.
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Ross entered his apartment with Emma and a few bags in hand. Emma was sleeping, and Rachel was out, so he began to 'prepare.' He was going to make her a great meal, set up the house so it looked like a fairytale, and wait for her to get home. He even called Phoebe, and she was going to be over in a little bit to pick Emma up. He knew this would work out perfectly. Rachel would cave and he would win the bet. He deserved it. The doorbell rang. He walked over to it and opened the door.
"Hey Pheebs." He said walking back towards the living room. Phoebe looked around.
"OoOoh. Someone wants some." She sang. Ross grinned.
"Here's Emma's diaper bag, her bottles, her formula, her blankie, her bath soap, her teddy, her Tylenol, her toys, her schedule, her carrier. Oh, and Emma." He finished. Phoebe had handfuls of stuff to carry. She looked at Ross desperately.
"Is there, uh, anyway Emma can fit in her diaper bag?" She asked.
"No, and that's illegal." Ross said staring at her.
"Not even if we like, zip her into it so no one can see her?" She asked. Ross looked very scared. He was starting to have second thoughts about Phoebe watching her. He should have called Monica to watch her. That way, Chandler and Monica wouldn't have been able to have sex meaning that he would win. Oh, Phoebe was fine.
"How about I just carry some of the stuff to your car, huh?" He asked.
"Oh! That works too!"
Rachel sat at her desk at work typing away. The phone rang.
"Rachel Green how can I help you?" She asked in a professional voice.
"Rach? It's me! Phoebe!" Phoebe said desperately.
"Pheebs? What's wrong?" She asked.
"Nothing, but listen, when you come home tonight, Ross has a huge dinner and candles and wine! You need to brace yourself! Remember yours and Monica's bet?" She asked frantically. Rachel's heart fell. She had no clue how she was going to turn Ross down.
"Oh no!" She said. "I'm guessing he gave Emma to you?" She asked. Phoebe said yes. "Okay, okay. What's an excuse?" She asked. "How can I get out of this?"
"Um..OH! Say-say that you're possessed and that if you have sex, you'll have to kill him!" She suggested. Rachel was silent for a long time.
"Bye Pheebs." She said before hanging up. Rachel looked at her watch and saw that she was off in ten minutes. She leaned back and figured out how to change Ross' mind...
"ACHOOOO!" Rachel sneezed as she entered the candle lit living Room. When she saw all of the stuff he had done just for her, she felt her heart sink again. She wanted to badly repay him for all of his hard work. She remembered the bet and coughed loudly. Ross came out to the living room.
"Welcome----home." He said slowly after seeing Rachel. Her hair was nappy and frizzy; she had a tissue in hand and loads of papers. "Rach? You okay?" He asked. Rachel put on her best sick act possible. She closed her eyes wearily and collapsed onto the couch.
"My head." She whined in a nasally voice. "I have the worst sinuses." Rachel coughed. "I just want to take some Tylenol and go to sleep." She sighed. Ross looked around the room dejectedly. If she were that sick he wasn't going to fight for it. That would end in a fight. Ross sat beside her and hugged her.
"Okay. I'll get you some soup. Emma's out with Phoebe for the night. Just relax." He said comfortingly. Rachel didn't want to seen like she wasn't acknowledging the fact that he had set everything up to perfectly.
"Ross did you do something in here? It looks wonderful." She said. Ross smiled.
"Yea, it was...... it was nothing." He finished with a forced smile. He went to kiss her lightly, and Rachel knew that if she let him, she would give in. So she sneezed on him.
*****************************
Monica stopped outside the door to her apartment. She could feel her heart pounding and her whole body sweating at the prospect of seeing Chandler. She was hot. Which wasn't surprising - she'd been hot every single second of every single day for the past three weeks, since the bet was made. It was torture. Monica was starting to regret making this stupid bet with Rachel.
But her own pain and anxiousness made her want to win even more. Unfortunately, that didn't make the horniness any easier to handle. She's just have to do her best at pretending she was too tired to have sex. Then she could go into her bedroom, and....
Thank God for vibrators.
She opened the door and went inside. Then second she stepped into the apartment, she could tell something was up. There was a strange smell in the air... the smell of disinfectant. And things were different - moved, disturbed. It struck her suddenly. Chandler had been cleaning.
"Chandler?" she called. "Honey, are you here?"
Chandler came out of the bathroom wearing only a robe. "Hey, baby, how was work?" He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her lightly.
"Ugh, exhausting," she said automatically. Chandler's face fell a little. "I just want to eat something and go to sleep." She pried herself away from him and started towards the bathroom. This is not going to be easy, she thought.
*************
This is not going to be easy, Chandler thought as Monica slipped from his arms.
"Listen, Mon, I thought maybe, since this is my last night before I go back to Tulsa, we could... heat things up a bit," he suggested. "So I took the liberty of drawing us - "
"A bath?" Monica called from inside the bathroom. Chandler entered the bathroom behind her. He'd filled a bath with warm water and even used bubble bath. Two glasses of champagne sat on the counter. "Oh, honey. This is really sweet. But I'm just - too tired."
"You don't even have to do anything!" he moaned, turning her around to face him. "Look, I'll do everything for you. Anything you want - just say the word. I love you, babes, and I want you to be happy."
Monica stared up at him with wide eyes, her mouth slightly open. Chandler saw this as an opportunity and grabbed her in a hungry kiss.
*************
For a minute, Monica let herself be lost in Chandler's kiss. God, she loved when he kissed her like that. He trailed kisses down her neck, started to unbutton her shirt...
"Wait!" she called, pushing him away. "We can't... right now."
"Why not? it's not - that time of the month, is it? It's too early," Chandler stated, confused. Oh, that's great. My husband has him menstrual cycle down to a science, Monica thought.
"No, uh..." Monica trailed off. Think, Monica, think! "I have to... I have... an infection!" she shouted.
Chandler retreated a step. Monica smiled inwardly.
"An infection?" he asked dubiously. "What kind of infection?"
"Just... an infection. Why? You want to know the details?" Monica asked.
"No!" Chandler said quickly. "No, no, no! Not at all. Sorry, hon. Okay. I'm just going to go... do something." Chandler quickly walked away.
Monica smiled and leaned back against the cabinet. She waited for a second, trying to calm her hormones down so she wouldn't be tempted to jump in Chandler's lap as she walked through the living room.
"Night, hon," she said, walking briskly towards her bedroom.
"Eh," Chandler replied. Monica got to her bedroom and shut the door. On second thought, she locked it.
Now where is that damn vibrator?
Jenni and XOXOElizabethXOXO
Chandler slouched down onto the ratty orange couch in Central Perk. Joey and Ross were also there, Joey with a muffin, Ross with Emma.
He spontaneously wondered if his friends were having sex. Well, Joey was, naturally; the man had sex more than a dog in heat. And Ross probably was too - rumor had it (well, with the person spreading the rumor being Phoebe) that since he and Rachel had finally hooked up, they were little sex fiends.
So then it was just him. For some reason, Monica hadn't been in the mood lately. Chandler had calculated that she was ovulating the week before, but she hadn't made a single move. In fact, he seemed to be resisting him more and more fervently, insisting she was "way too tired" or "totally not in the mood."
Chandler was pulled from his thoughts as Ross sighed heavily. He and Joey looked up, but did not say anything.
Ross sighed again.
"What is it, Ross?" Chandler droned.
"Do you guys ever... uh... go through dry spells?" he asked, looking uncomfortable. Chandler's jaw dropped.
"Psht, no," Joey said, waving his hand dismissively. "Why - problems in the bedroom?"
"Kinda," Ross said. "It's just - well, when we do it, it is good, you know? But in the past, I don't know....two weeks or so? Nothing. She hasn't even suggested it. I want to think it's because of Emma." He said setting her down into her carrier.
"You're kidding!" Chandler burst out. He reddened as Joey and Ross looked at him. "It's just... I've been going through the same thing with Monica!"
"What - a dry spell?" Joey asked.
"No, Joey, Monica and I secretly had a baby and THAT'S why we're not having sex!" He spat sarcastically. "Yes a dry spell! I've come home from Tulsa like three times, and she never wants to do it! Before, she would be in my pants the moment I walked through the - "
"Dude, she's my little sister?" Ross interrupted, looking disturbed.
"Sorry; but you get the picture!" Chandler covered his eyes with his hand.
"No see, I don't WANT to get the picture." Ross said after a long pause. Meanwhile, Joey was close to hysterics. "C'mon, Joe, just because you've slept with the entire Tri-state area - " Ross started again.
"Would you guys just ask for help?" Joey said.
Chandler looked at Ross, and then yelled, "No! We will not ask for help."
"Yes you will."
"Will not."
"You will."
"Nope."
"If either of you ever want to get laid again, you'll ask me how you do it." Joey looked triumphantly from one desperate face to the other.
"Joey, please tell us how to get our women in bed, O sex god of the east village," Ross deadpanned.
"I knew you'd break," Joey said, leaning forward with a smile. "All right. Well you already know about the success of the Europe story, but as they know that neither one of you would ever backpack in the foothills of Mount Tipidabo, we may need to try a different tactic."
"Yea. I know the success of that." Ross added, pointing to Emma.
"Okay. First of all, how are you guys suggesting it?" Joey asked. Chandler and Ross shrugged and mumbled.
"I just said that I want to." Chandler said.
"Yea. Me too." Ross added.
"THAT'S problem number one: You need to make them feel like there is no one else you would want to do it with. Not even Courtney Cox, or, or, Jennifer Aniston. You want THEM." Joey began.
"Well, I always thought Monica was prettier than Courtney Cox." Chandler said simply.
"Yea, and Rachel looks way better than Jennifer-" Ross began.
"Not the point guys." Joey interrupted. "The point is, they are the only women in your life that you want. Rule number two: pretend like every time is your first time! I'm sure that Rachel and Monica both remember their first times with you." Joey said. "It was special to them."
"Well, I'm not sure about Monica. She was pretty drunk........."Chandler stopped after receiving an evil glair from Ross.
"It has to be special, romantic, every time. No matter how intense or, or, hot it gets-" Joey stopped as both glared at him then.
"Joey, we haven't had sex in months, dude. Let's skip the details." Ross said flatly. Chandler nodded.
"Got it." Joey said. "Now, try something to set the mood. Candles, wine, roses. All that junk. Once they see how hard you tried, they will be all over you. You should know that Ross, your a girl." Joey said. Ross looked as though he was going to say something, and then leaned back a little instead.
"Huh." Chandler said. "I can't believe it. That actually makes sense."
"What else?" Ross said taking out a notepad and a pen from Emma's diaper bag. Chandler stared at him.
"Teacher! Ross is cheating!" Chandler joked. Ross glared. "Seriously, what the hell is that?" Chandler asked.
"My memo book." Ross said simply. Chandler stared at him for a long moment.
"C-c-come on, give me a piece." He said waiting for Ross to rip out a piece of paper. Ross did so.
"I'm sorry. You guys are sad." Joey said laughing. "No wonder you can't get laid. You're geeks. I bet you guys are even going to make it into a bet." Joey joked. Ross and Chandler looked at one another.
"Why not?" Chandler asked.
"Yea, it would help keep my mind off of the lack of sex." Ross added.
"I can't believe you are making it into a bet!" Joey exclaimed. Both ignored him.
"Okay, whoever's first to make their woman crack, gets oh........100 dollars and his dignity!" Chandler said. Ross shook his head.
"You lost that a long time ago, dude." He joked. "Okay. I take your hundred and raise it another hundred. 200 Dollars." He said.
"You're on." Chandler shook his hand. Joey leaned over to Ross' ear.
"Hey, Phoebe told me about you and Rachel." Joey said nodding. "I'm on your side, you little devil."
"I heard that!" Chandler said hurt.
"I said it loud." Joey said rolling his eyes.
"Just go!" Chandler shouted. Joey shook his head and continued.
"Next. Focus on THEM. Listen to what they are saying. Faster. Slower. Harder. That helps. Usually when you are doing a chick, you're usually too busy making yourself feel good to focus on what they want. You know, women are very self-conscious in bed. They are afraid to ask for you to please them. So you know how you could let them know you want them to feel good?" Joey asked.
"No" Ross and Chandler said in unison.
"ASK'EM!" Joey said loudly. "Oh, and give 'em oral." He nodded.
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( (((((((((((((((((
Ross entered his apartment with Emma and a few bags in hand. Emma was sleeping, and Rachel was out, so he began to 'prepare.' He was going to make her a great meal, set up the house so it looked like a fairytale, and wait for her to get home. He even called Phoebe, and she was going to be over in a little bit to pick Emma up. He knew this would work out perfectly. Rachel would cave and he would win the bet. He deserved it. The doorbell rang. He walked over to it and opened the door.
"Hey Pheebs." He said walking back towards the living room. Phoebe looked around.
"OoOoh. Someone wants some." She sang. Ross grinned.
"Here's Emma's diaper bag, her bottles, her formula, her blankie, her bath soap, her teddy, her Tylenol, her toys, her schedule, her carrier. Oh, and Emma." He finished. Phoebe had handfuls of stuff to carry. She looked at Ross desperately.
"Is there, uh, anyway Emma can fit in her diaper bag?" She asked.
"No, and that's illegal." Ross said staring at her.
"Not even if we like, zip her into it so no one can see her?" She asked. Ross looked very scared. He was starting to have second thoughts about Phoebe watching her. He should have called Monica to watch her. That way, Chandler and Monica wouldn't have been able to have sex meaning that he would win. Oh, Phoebe was fine.
"How about I just carry some of the stuff to your car, huh?" He asked.
"Oh! That works too!"
Rachel sat at her desk at work typing away. The phone rang.
"Rachel Green how can I help you?" She asked in a professional voice.
"Rach? It's me! Phoebe!" Phoebe said desperately.
"Pheebs? What's wrong?" She asked.
"Nothing, but listen, when you come home tonight, Ross has a huge dinner and candles and wine! You need to brace yourself! Remember yours and Monica's bet?" She asked frantically. Rachel's heart fell. She had no clue how she was going to turn Ross down.
"Oh no!" She said. "I'm guessing he gave Emma to you?" She asked. Phoebe said yes. "Okay, okay. What's an excuse?" She asked. "How can I get out of this?"
"Um..OH! Say-say that you're possessed and that if you have sex, you'll have to kill him!" She suggested. Rachel was silent for a long time.
"Bye Pheebs." She said before hanging up. Rachel looked at her watch and saw that she was off in ten minutes. She leaned back and figured out how to change Ross' mind...
"ACHOOOO!" Rachel sneezed as she entered the candle lit living Room. When she saw all of the stuff he had done just for her, she felt her heart sink again. She wanted to badly repay him for all of his hard work. She remembered the bet and coughed loudly. Ross came out to the living room.
"Welcome----home." He said slowly after seeing Rachel. Her hair was nappy and frizzy; she had a tissue in hand and loads of papers. "Rach? You okay?" He asked. Rachel put on her best sick act possible. She closed her eyes wearily and collapsed onto the couch.
"My head." She whined in a nasally voice. "I have the worst sinuses." Rachel coughed. "I just want to take some Tylenol and go to sleep." She sighed. Ross looked around the room dejectedly. If she were that sick he wasn't going to fight for it. That would end in a fight. Ross sat beside her and hugged her.
"Okay. I'll get you some soup. Emma's out with Phoebe for the night. Just relax." He said comfortingly. Rachel didn't want to seen like she wasn't acknowledging the fact that he had set everything up to perfectly.
"Ross did you do something in here? It looks wonderful." She said. Ross smiled.
"Yea, it was...... it was nothing." He finished with a forced smile. He went to kiss her lightly, and Rachel knew that if she let him, she would give in. So she sneezed on him.
*****************************
Monica stopped outside the door to her apartment. She could feel her heart pounding and her whole body sweating at the prospect of seeing Chandler. She was hot. Which wasn't surprising - she'd been hot every single second of every single day for the past three weeks, since the bet was made. It was torture. Monica was starting to regret making this stupid bet with Rachel.
But her own pain and anxiousness made her want to win even more. Unfortunately, that didn't make the horniness any easier to handle. She's just have to do her best at pretending she was too tired to have sex. Then she could go into her bedroom, and....
Thank God for vibrators.
She opened the door and went inside. Then second she stepped into the apartment, she could tell something was up. There was a strange smell in the air... the smell of disinfectant. And things were different - moved, disturbed. It struck her suddenly. Chandler had been cleaning.
"Chandler?" she called. "Honey, are you here?"
Chandler came out of the bathroom wearing only a robe. "Hey, baby, how was work?" He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her lightly.
"Ugh, exhausting," she said automatically. Chandler's face fell a little. "I just want to eat something and go to sleep." She pried herself away from him and started towards the bathroom. This is not going to be easy, she thought.
*************
This is not going to be easy, Chandler thought as Monica slipped from his arms.
"Listen, Mon, I thought maybe, since this is my last night before I go back to Tulsa, we could... heat things up a bit," he suggested. "So I took the liberty of drawing us - "
"A bath?" Monica called from inside the bathroom. Chandler entered the bathroom behind her. He'd filled a bath with warm water and even used bubble bath. Two glasses of champagne sat on the counter. "Oh, honey. This is really sweet. But I'm just - too tired."
"You don't even have to do anything!" he moaned, turning her around to face him. "Look, I'll do everything for you. Anything you want - just say the word. I love you, babes, and I want you to be happy."
Monica stared up at him with wide eyes, her mouth slightly open. Chandler saw this as an opportunity and grabbed her in a hungry kiss.
*************
For a minute, Monica let herself be lost in Chandler's kiss. God, she loved when he kissed her like that. He trailed kisses down her neck, started to unbutton her shirt...
"Wait!" she called, pushing him away. "We can't... right now."
"Why not? it's not - that time of the month, is it? It's too early," Chandler stated, confused. Oh, that's great. My husband has him menstrual cycle down to a science, Monica thought.
"No, uh..." Monica trailed off. Think, Monica, think! "I have to... I have... an infection!" she shouted.
Chandler retreated a step. Monica smiled inwardly.
"An infection?" he asked dubiously. "What kind of infection?"
"Just... an infection. Why? You want to know the details?" Monica asked.
"No!" Chandler said quickly. "No, no, no! Not at all. Sorry, hon. Okay. I'm just going to go... do something." Chandler quickly walked away.
Monica smiled and leaned back against the cabinet. She waited for a second, trying to calm her hormones down so she wouldn't be tempted to jump in Chandler's lap as she walked through the living room.
"Night, hon," she said, walking briskly towards her bedroom.
"Eh," Chandler replied. Monica got to her bedroom and shut the door. On second thought, she locked it.
Now where is that damn vibrator?
Jenni and XOXOElizabethXOXO
