Chapter 3
There's An Elephant In My Pants!
Toots made his way to his "workshop" which was really just an outhouse on top of a hill! As he buggered along, this thought crossed his mind.
[Toots: ...Wait a sec! ButtMunch doesn't know how to get to the Ancient Ruins! Maybe I should have told him! ... Aww, why the hell do I care!? He'll find it! Anyway, I've gotta' get to my work shop! I've gotta' get somethin' down on paper! Heh heh heh!!
Toots would have just continued to bugger off towards his workshop, but one obstacle stood in his way! ButtMunch and Toots' arch-enemy, Dr. Melvin Rorumpnik sat in his trusty Butt-o-Matic awaiting the skunk's arrival! (The Butt-o-Matic looked a lot like Robotnik's Egg-o-Matic only with the addition of a big rosey BUTT on the front! Oh, and just so you know, Rorumpnik is what you get when you make Robotnik skinny with a giant butt, buggy eyes, and big goofy red clown lips! Oh, and don't forget his fish-tie and old "I like Ike!" button!)
Toots stood glaring at his oppressor with true bloodlust in his rabid little eyes! How dare Rorumpnik come near his workshop! How dare Rorumpnik hover there patiently as if he hadn't done anything, though he had made the biggest mistake of all: Coming near Billy B. Billingsworth and his workshop!
[Toots: What if Rorumpnik messed up something!? What if he touched Sarah!?! What if he looked at my PlayFurry stash with fake, horribly-forged Chyna porn in it!!?! And my GOD do I have to crap!!!
As all this passed through his mind, Toots became increasingly angry! (Especially since Rorumpnik was holding him back from his basic biological need to drop a load!) Just before Toots went in to make aggressive negotions with Dr. Rorumpnik, or... well... kill him, ButtMunch waddled in. Toots held out his hand to ButtMunch.
[Toots: Stand back, ButtMunch! I shall fight this menace alone!
[ButtMunch: Sure, knock yo'self out, brotha'! But what de hell is Buttman here fo' anyway!?
[Toots: ...Beats me! How did YOU get here!?
[ButtMunch: Oh well, I didn't exactly know how to get here so I talked to dis little ol' orb o' pure energy and she dun told me to take a train to dese here Ancient Ruins and here Ah be, sucka!
[Dr. Rorumpnik: Ahem! Excuse me, "gentlemen," and I use the term loosely... but if you will allow me to explain.. And DON'T call me Buttman!
[ButtMunch: Whateva'! Just explain yo'self, Biggins!
Toots looked at ButtMunch in disgust as he always did.
[Toots: "Biggins"? (Laugh/snort) You would know, FATTY!!
[ButtMunch: (Frightening close-up of ButtMunch in which his face is covered with warts, zits, etc. Just use your imagination) Shut yo' damn weasly mouth, RAT!!
[Toots: (Really frightening close-up of Toots with the warts and zits, also with a cobweb in one ear and a spider crawling on his head) FINE! As long as you stop that fake ghetto accent!
[ButtMunch: (INCREDIBLY terrifying close-up, same as before, but now with evil glowing red eyes and a bulging vein in his forehead) IT AIN'T FAKE, BEE-YOTCH!!
Toots rolled his eyes.
[Toots: Yeah right!!
[ButtMunch: Well, at least mah voice don't sound like a combination of rusty nails on a chalkboard and the moanin' of a dyin' ferret!!
[Toots: Damn straight it is! And don't you forget it!
[Dr. Rorumpnik: SHUT UP!!
Both ButtMunch and Toots looked at Rorumpnik.
[ButtMunch: Jes' whut de hell you want, Prof!?!
[Dr. Rorumpnik: I'm TRYING to tell you my master plan and I would like you two to at least attempt to pretend to be interested in it!
[ButtMunch: Oh, well, by all means go on, den, "MASTA"!
[Toots: (Flailing his arms around in the air) Yeah! Thou shalt have no other gods before Rorumpnik!
[Dr. Rorumpnik: Exactly! Now anyway, as I was saying, I am here to-
[ButtMunch: Wait up! Lemme' guess! Ya'll afta' dem Chaos Chrystals, ain't ya'!?
[Dr. Rorumpnik: WHAT!?! H-how did you--!?!
[ButtMunch: Oh gee, lemme guess, maybe cuz... DAT'S WHATCHOO' ALWAYS AFTA'!!
[Toots: Yeah, it's not much of a surprise when ya' say yer after the Chaos Chrystals when that's all you ever do!!
[Dr. Rorumpnik: (Whiney voice) Aw, come on, guys! I gots feelins! The Chaos Chrystals have unlimited powers! If I were to get all seven, I could easily conquer this world!
[ButtMunch: Yeah, well, prob'ly so, but you could at least try to to be mo' original with it!
[Dr. Rorumpnik: Well, how's about you give me all the Chrystals you have right now? That would make it more interesting!
[ButtMunch: No dice, Buttman!
[Dr. Rorumpnik: (Whines and pounds his fists on the side of his Butt-o-Matic) Aw come on! And stop calling me thaaaaat!!
[ButtMunch: Yeah, well still, you ain't gettin' dem Chaos Chrystals unlessen you pries 'em from my cold... dead... WALLET, FOO!!!
Rorumpnik whipped out a ridiculously large ray gun and pointed it at ButtMunch's chunky little face.
[ButtMunch: (Puts one hand up to his cheek -the one on his face- and bats his other hand like a sissy) Oh lawdy, moicy! Ah'm so scared! Buttman's gonna' shoot me! HA! Like we ain't seen dis a million times!
[Toots: Do it! Do it! Aim for the heart! If it's still even functioning properly under all that fat!
[ButtMunch: Sorry, Toots, but it don't work right at all! Hasn't for 10 years!
[Dr. Rorumpnik: SHUT UP!!! And unless you want to lose one of your eyes, six of your pinkies, and four of your nostrils, you'll stop calling me BUTTMAN!!!
[ButtMunch: Aw, is Buttman gonna' cry? Let's see you cry! Buttman's scared just like a televangelist! Dis is jes' TOO MUCH!
Butt- I mean Rorumpnik balled his hands into fists and put them in the air and roared like a wounded rhino as fire emitted from him! Which happened regularly due to the explosive flatulence of Rorumpnik's reinforced, mechanical butt; but today, that wasn't the case.
[Dr. Rorumpnik: THAT'S IT!!! I TOLD YOU TO STOP!!! NOW FEEL MY WRATH!!!!
Rorumpnik pushed a button on the Butt-o-Matic that summoned a jet engine and two drills/rocket launchers to connect themselves to Rorumpnik's Butt-o-Matic. As Rorumpnik engaged in battle, ButtMunch gave a mighty-
[ButtMunch: EEP!
-And hid behind Billy. So Billy walked forward, swung a drunken punch, and... The grand new attachments on the Butt-o-Matic exploded. As the Butt-o-Matic fell smoking to the ground, ButtMunch stood up and looked down at Rorumpnik.
[ButtMunch: Heh! Yeah, sucka'! Take dat!
[Dr. Rorumpnik: B-b-bu-but, how!?! How could you defeat me so easily!?!
[ButtMunch: DUH! Cause you de villain! You always lose!
Rorumpnik hung his head in shame.
[Dr. Rorumpnik: (sigh) I guess you're right...
All of a sudden, Rorumpnik reached into Toots' pocket and pulled out the Chaos Chrystal!
[Dr. Rorumpnik: YOINK!
Suddenly, the Butt-o-Matic flew up and Rorumpnik showed his prize to ButtMunch and Toots!
[Dr. Rorumpnik: I can't believe that worked!
[ButtMunch: Me neitha'! I woulda' thought Toots woulda' bit yo' hands clean off!
[Dr. Rorumpnik: Hmm, probably! Oh well, come on, Defication, time to eat!
[ButtMunch and Toots: (Drawn really, really ugly, but humorously so -picture Ren-and-Stimpy characters-) DEFICATION???
Suddenly, the all-too-familiar blob of urine arose from the ground!
[ButtMunch: (gasp) It's you!!
Defication was waiting impatiently for its food... or... whatever one-foot blobs of urine and crap eat.
[Dr. Rorumpnik: Oh, so you've met Defication!? Well, feast your piggish ocular organs upon this!!
All of a sudden, Rorumpnik chucked the Chaos Chrystal at Defication!
[Dr. Rorumpnik: Yeah, dere ya' go, Mac!
All of a sudden, the Chrystal fell into Defication and a bright flash of light burst forth from him! When the light faded, Defication stood before their astonished bloodshot eyes, but not as he had been, NO! He was now a foot taller and had a mechanical arm with the Chaos Chrystal fitted squarely in its palm.
[Dr. Rorumpnik: Oh sweet! It's just as the plot point predicted! His strength increases everytime I feed him a Chaos Chrystal!
[ButtMunch: .....So?
[Dr. Rorumpnik: Soooo, once he is at full power, I will destroy Square Station! And on its ruins, I will build Rorumpnik Land! With plenty of free parking!!!
[Toots: (gasp) NO! NOT FREE PARKING!
[ButtMunch: (tsk) Oh well, I guess I'll just find anudda' vacation spot!
Suddenly, Defication looked at ButtMunch.
[Defication: Hey, tubby! Yo momma's momma! Heheheh...
Defication then leaped on the Butt-o-Matic.
[ButtMunch: Why you dirty son of a... Well you really ain't anyone's son...
Suddenly, Rorumpnik started to leave! ButtMunch ran after him.
[ButtMunch: WAIT! I ain't done bad-moufin' you!! Getcho' non-existant li'l liquidy keista' back down hyeah!
Suddenly, Rorumpnik and Defication took off, but just before they left, ButtMunch heard Rorumpnik say-
[Dr. Rorumpnik: Thanks for stoppin' by!
-And then he blasted off! ButtMunch stood glaring at the direction that they went off.
[ButtMunch: Defication, you have just met yo'self a fierce enemy! I cannot wait 'til de day we meet on de battlefield, my friend!!
Suddenly, a flush was heard and Toots walked in holding a PlayFurry mag, toilet paper on his right shoe and also holding a blowup doll that was supposed to be a girl but looked nothing like it, with the word "SARAH!" written on it.
[Toots: Ah man, that felt good! And lucky for that cheesecake Buttman, he didn't touch anything! But anyway, ButtMunch, this is more serious than we thought! If we don't act quickly, Square Station will become a... a... TOURIST TRAP!!!
ButtMunch threw his hands into the air and screamed!
[ButtMunch: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Hey wait a sec... Ain't it already one!?
[Toots: SHUT UP!
Aw... Kinda brings a tear to your eye don't it?
(Stay tuned for Chapter 4. If we're lucky and all believe, a magical new friend might come! Well, if a messed-up obsene slob is your idea of a friend... then you need help!)
