Chapter 5- Diary... (Sorry, I can think of no other names for this)
Dear Leila,
I got a letter from home today. Everyone is well, even Petunia, sadly. She actually wrote to me too this time though. It was all about some Vernon guy who is her "soul mate". It's great for her, but if she can find someone who really loves her and she feels the same then why can't I? I have all this pressure from Mum and Father and not one single person that cares, and she has Vernon. She can tell him all her woes about her appearance and how she doesn't yet have something she wants. Sometimes I wonder if there is a reason I'm so apart from everyone. It's like everyone else is a link in the chain, but I'm broken away from it all and just pretending I'm still connected. The more I pretend the farther I am pulled away. I can't tell Chastity about everything because she doesn't understand no matter how much she tries, and I don't want to burden with all my stresses when she has enough of her own with her parents fighting all the time. I'm glad my parents don't fight like hers, but she's lucky they don't force her to do everything and then not even care when she does what they wanted. My parents' letter to me was pretty much about how I should still be working very hard and should be studying every night for OWLs. Seriously... They didn't even ask how I am or if anything is happening to me. Why would they though; it's not like they would care if they had asked. Why do I even care about them anymore? I guess it's because they are my parents and I want to make them proud, but all they want from me is to be able to gloat over my accomplishments to their high-society friends who pretend to be jealous. Being so bloody rich isn't as nice as people think... everyone is so fake and pretends to care about everyone else but all they care about is being richer and having more to talk about than the other person. I guess that's why acting fake comes so easily to me; it's all I'd ever known until I began Hogwarts.
Speaking of Hogwarts...You know how I said things will be different? Well things were, and are, but not exactly the way I wanted them to be. I was supposed to not care about James anymore but the opposite has happened. I don't want to admit it, but I have to. I am actually starting to like him, a little more than a bit. He just has that effect on me, it's like something about him draws me to him. I really have to get over it though. I'm not sure he really likes me anyway; he took Emma Kinston out to the lake today. You don't take a girl like her out to the lake for intelligent conversation. I don't know why he's with her. She's so easy and he deserves better than that; he deserves someone who he can talk to and understand him. Someone like...well that's for him to figure out, not for me to.
Besides, actually liking a guy isn't my usual thing. Mainly a guy liked me and I give him a chance. No one is ever what I'm looking for, though. I wish I had a guy who I could say anything to and he would understand, and he would like me no matter what. Someone who I could talk to about my problems and just hug afterwards and everything would feel better would be great to have, but I know I'll probably never have someone like that, unless there really is such a thing as soul mates and I have one. Oh well, just hopeless dreams of a lonely girl .I'll probably end up marrying some rich jerk who only thinks he loves me for my looks and my fake attitude and I'll end up like my mom and all her friends.. I don't understand what I'm actually doing with my life. I want to change the world and make it better, but I can't do that when I'm not being myself, though when I am myself no one cares or listens. I'm just waiting for something good that matters, and my life is just going on while I'm waiting for it to start. I truly wonder why I'm even on earth to begin with...there's no point. Anyway I'm going to go to something to take my mind of James and all this.
Forever Yours,
Lily Marie Evans
I hope this entry sounds realistic. This is how I write in my own journal but that's real life feelings so it's easier to express them...you know? Some of those are actually in my journal but yeah...anyway I hope it all sounds ok. Review on it please!
