Chapter 9- Dear Diary
Dear Leila,
Seriously there is something wrong with me. If there were an award for the most idiotic person in the world I would be the winner of it. I feel like a bitch too, but that's maybe because I was the biggest one, to James. I don't think I've ever been meaner to someone in my whole life, including Petunia.
Out by the lake he said he loved coming there because it was so peaceful and had the best view of the sky, and I couldn't take it. I was just thinking the same thing, and the way he said it, he really felt it, and had the guts to admit it. He is just so...perfect and I don't know why, but I got tears in my eyes. Maybe it was because I feel that no matter what I won't deserve him, or probably get him to like me; he isn't the same as other guys. I didn't think he saw but he did, and brushed them away (see, perfect!). Then I started to really cry and he put his arms around me and just held me until I was ok. Then I kissed him. It was the greatest kiss I've ever shared, I can't even describe it. Except my stupidity never fails me, I realized I shouldn't be doing this, shouldn't be falling for him, and I ran away. That can probably be explained away eventually, but the other thing I did can't. After I ran away I found Sean Wood and I kissed him, a lot more than I had James. And the WORST part is...James saw us! He was going to the kitchen or something and he saw us and then walked into a suit of armour. That was funny, but at the moment I didn't laugh. I actually felt like crap, and then I made it even worse. I insulted James and acted like the biggest bitch who didn't want to be torn away from making out for 2 seconds. I must have seemed like such a whore! He probably hates me to death right now. I deserve it, but I screwed up any possible chance of ever being with James. I know that's what I said I wanted, but it's not really what I wanted. I was just scared of him making me actually be myself, which is just what I need. Well, whatever, I'm too upset and angry to write for now, but I have to get this onto paper before I go even crazier with it bouncing around in my head. I like James, I actually truly like James, and it's more than just a little bit. I just needed to do something to make me not like him so much so I found Sean. This plan was actually fully stupid because I still really like James, but he hates me. I can deal with situations really well, can't I? I'm going to go talk to Chastity about this now because I need someone smart who gives good advice and who better than a best friend?
Forever Yours,
Lily Marie Evans
