Grace the Moll

A Will and Grace fanfic by Pjazz

2003

INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.

A BLEARY EYED WILL EMERGES FROM IS BEDROOM IN HIS DRESSING GOWN.

HE PICKS UP THE MAIL, RIFFLES THROUGH IT.

WILL

Bills, bills, Amex, bills, - ooh, Gay Monthly magazine - bills, Grace Adler.

Hmm, a letter for Grace delivered here by mistake. Shall I be a gentleman...?

Nah, where's the fun in that.

WILL TEARS LETTER OPEN, READS.

HIS EYES BUG IN SURPRISE.

WILL

Whoa!

CUT TO --

WILL'S APARTMENT A LITLE LATER. WILL IS DRESSED, GRACE SEATED ON THE COUCH.

GRACE

I can't believe you opened my mail.

WILL

I can't believe you didn't tell me you were writing to the inmate of a federal penitentiary.

GRACE

I can't believe you opened my mail.

WILL

I can't believe your penpal is a convicted felon.

GRACE

I can't believe you opened my mail.

WILL

Grace, get over it. You steal my Gay Monthly magazine.

GRACE

Only for the fashion tips. This is personal.

WILL

How come you're writing to convicts anyway?

There aren't enough law abiding men for you to hit on?

GRACE

A woman came to my office. She said she was trying to recruit people to write to people in prison. To help rehabilitate them. That's how I started writing to Hal.

WILL

Hal? Your prison penpal?

GRACE

Yeah. Harold Devoto. But he likes me to call him Hal.

WILL

Harold Devoto? Why does that name sound familiar? Oh please God, he's not Harold 'Heavy Hands' Devoto, is he?

GRACE

You know Hal? Isn't he a pussycat?

WILL

Pussycat? Grace, 'Heavy Hands Devoto' was one of the most notorious armed bank robbers of the last decade. Don't tell me you didn't know that?

GRACE

Hal told me he got into trouble working out some 'issues' from his childhood.

WILL

He worked out these childhood 'issues' by entering a bank, going up to the teller with a 12 gauge and yelling 'Give me all your money or I'll blow your frigging head off' - is that what you're saying?

GRACE

Robbing banks doesn't necessarily make him a bad person.

WILL

I hate to drag you back through the Looking Glass, Alice. But, yes. It does.

Didn't you suspect something when his nickname's 'Heavy Hands'?

GRACE

I thought it was because he retained water in his fingers.

WILL

I see. Not because he uses his fists to pummel everyone in authority who crosses his path. Grace, this man mugged his childhood friends in Kindergarten for rusk money.

GRACE

There's no need to get so uptight about it. It's not as if we've ever going to meet.

Hal's in the fifth year of a 20 year sentence.

WILL

Let's be grateful for small mercies.

INT. CLOTHES SHOP, NYC.

JACK ENTERS SHOP. WALKS UP TO SALES CLERK, CLARENCE, A SNOOTY ENGLISH TYPE.

JACK

Hi. I'd like to return these pants and get a refund.

CLARENCE

I see. And what exactly is wrong with the pants?

JACK

They're a little tight around the waist.

CLARENCE

Are you sure sir hasn't gained a little weight since he purchased the item?

JACK

You saying I'm fat?

CLARENCE

Oh far be it from me to pass judgement on sir's physical condition. But yes, I am.

JACK

Hmm. Need a witty comeback. I'm not fat. Damn! That was lame.

CLARENCE

I'm sorry, sir. We don't give refunds.

JACK

I'm a customer. I have rights.

CLARENCE

Not in this shop. We can hardly be held responsible if customers insist on stuffing their fat ugly faces with greasy fast food and sugary candies.

JACK

But I want a ---

CLARENCE

No.

JACK

But ---

CLARENCE

No.

JACK

(GRUNTS)

CLARENCE

No. Good day, sir. Mind on the way out the door doesn't hit you on your emormous arse.

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING. LAUNDRY ROOM.

GRACE IS FILLING THE DRIER. JACK PERCHES ON THE MACHINE DANGLING HIS LEGS.

JACK

And then this snooty English type looks down his supercilious nose and says 'mind the door doesn't hit you on your enormous arse.'

GRACE

Arse? What's an arse?

JACK

It's British for butt.

GRACE

That SOB. What did you say?

JACK

Nothing. I left like a scolded dog, dragging my tail behind me. English accents always intimidate me. I don't have an enormous butt, do I, Grace? Do I? Do I?

GRACE

No, Jack. You have a fine booty.

JACK

Thanks, Grace. You too. Though when are you going to grow boobies? Puberty's really taking it's time kicking in with you, huh?

GRACE

They may be small but they're perfectly formed.

JACK

You keep telling yourself that, Grace. May be one day it'll be true.

GRACE

What are you going to do about the pants?

JACK

Keep them I guess. I can't go back for another whupping.

GRACE

You should take Karen along. I've seen her reduce a waitress to tears just for putting two olives in her martini.

(MIMICS KAREN) Honey, what's this? If I wanted two olives in my booze I'd visit the Betty Ford Clinic.'

JACK

That was so like Karen! I'll do Will.

(MIMICS WILL) Hi, I'm Will Truman. My head's too big for my body and I'm gonna need plugs real soon.'

GRACE

Do me! Do me!

JACK

Hi, I'm Grace Adler. I have no boobies and can't find a man no matter how hard I try.'

GRACE

Nothing like me. This is me. 'Hi, I'm Grace Adler, and I'm about to stuff Jack McFarlane's fool head in a drier.'

GRACE STUFFS JACK'S FOOL HEAD IN A DRIER.

INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.

WILL AND GRACE ARE SEATED ON THE COUCH WATCHING BUFFY - THE VAMPIRE SLAYER ON TV.

WILL

I don't get this show. Buffy's meant to be the one slayer in all the world.

So why do all the vampires hang out in Sunnydale? Wouldn't it make more sense if they went somewhere where there wasn't a homicidal blonde superbitch waiting to stake them?

GRACE

I like Willow, the lez. She's so freeking hot!

WILL

It's been a while since you've been with a man, hasn't it?

GRACE

Fair point.

WILL

I like Xander. Chunky body, bad hair, big feet.

GRACE

No, that's Tara, Willow's lez lover.

WILL

Oh right. I wondered about the man breasts.

NEWSFLASH ON TV

TV

Breaking news. Harold 'Heavy Hands' Devoto broke out of a secure penal facility today.

Devoto, serving 20 years for armed robbery with menaces, is said to be extremely dangerous.

The public are advised not to approach Devoto but contact federal authorities immediately.

We return you to your regularly scheduled programmes.

WILL

(BEAT) Grace, please tell me your new penpal doesn't know what you look like.

GRACE

I may have sent him one or two photographs of me.

WILL

One or two?

GRACE

One or two dozen.

WILL

What the hell were you thinking?

GRACE

He said I looked nice. Especially in lingerie.

WILL

You sent a convicted felon, serving 20 years, pictures of you wearing lingerie?

GRACE

Tasteful pictures. I was hardly showing any nipple at all.

WILL

Grace, this man hasn't had sex with a woman for 5 years. Do the words 'red rag to a bull' mean anything to you?

GRACE

Aren't prisoners allowed conjugal visits?

WILL

Yes. Yes, they are. But only if they're married. Hence the term conjugal.

GRACE

I did a stupid thing, didn't I?

WILL

The only thing stupider would be for you to send him a video of you naked.

GRACE

I didn't do that.

WILL

I'm relieved to hear it.

GRACE

I couldn't find a blank tape.

INT. CLOTHES SHOP, NYC.

JACK AND KAREN.

JACK

I want you to tear this guy a new one, Karen. Show no mercy.

KAREN

Leave it me, hon. I'll have this creep eating out my hand.

CLARENCE

Can I help, madam? And -- oh, it's you. Mr Tushy.

KAREN

Hi, sparky. Me and my fruit friend here are returning some pants.

Whether you like it or not.

CLARENCE

Store policy. No refunds.

KAREN

You sure got some nerve. What's that on your top lip? My maid Rosario can grow a better mustache than that. In a day.

CLARENCE

Very droll.

KAREN

You want droll? What's with the hair, Rogaine boy?

Last time I saw something that pink and shiny it was being yanked out a womb and slapped.

CLARENCE

No refunds.

KAREN

What's that on your wrist - bacofoil?

CLARENCE

Hardly. It's a Rolex Oyster Perpetual. Limited edition.

KAREN

Limited edition down Mexacali way may be. Cheap knock off. This, honey, is a Rolex.

THRUSTS WRIST UNDER C'S NOSE

KAREN

75,000 clams. Park Avenue, not Wetback Avenue. 24 carats.

I had to dodge Stan's carrot for a month for this puppy.

JACK

Karen, let's leave. It's not working.

KAREN

Hold your horses there, fruit fly. We're not leaving till we get your - how much?

JACK

200 dollars.

KAREN

200 bucks? Jeez, honey. Stan's pants cost 200 a stitch.

CLARENCE

If you don't leave I will call security and have them deposit you both on the sidewalk.

KAREN

Sidewalk? Hang on a cotton picking minute there, sparky. The english don't call it the sidewalk. They call it the pavement.

CLARENCE

Er, right. That's what I meant. The pavement.

KAREN

Hmmm. Tell me this - whereabouts does the Queen of England buy her jewelry?

CLARENCE

I...don't know.

KAREN

Aspreys, Bond Street.

Who is Prince Charles's latest squeeze? Woman looks like a horse?

CLARENCE

I...don't know.

KAREN

Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Where can you score Quualudes on a Saturday night in old London town?

CLARENCE

I.....

KAREN

Piccadilly Circus. Ask for Nigel the narc.

CLARENCE

Aright! I admit it. I'm not English. My name's not Clarence. I'm a phoney.

My name's Bennie Berkowitz. I live with my mom in Queens.

I'll give you the 200 dollars - plus a free pair of pants if you'll just please leave.

KAREN

Bennie, hon, you pitiful sad sack of a man, you got yourself a deal.

JACK AND KAREN EXCHANGE HIGH FIVES.

INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.

GRACE ENTERS

GRACE

Any news on the tv? Omigod!

WILL IS GAGGED AND TIED TO A CHAIR. HAL 'HEAVY HANDS' DEVOTO STANDS BESIDE HIM.

HAL IS THICKSET AND MENACING. THINK RAY LIOTTA ON STEROIDS.

HAL

Hello, Grace. You look just like your pictures.

GRACE

Hal? What are you doing here?

HAL

I've come for you, Grace. I couldn't get those photographs you sent me out of my mind.

WILL STRUGGLES

GRACE

Will, enough already. Even with a gag in your mouth I can hear you saying 'I told you so'.

Hal, you've got to untie Will. He chafes easily.

HAL

No can do, babe. I'm going to chop your boyfriend into little pieces and feed them to the fishes.

GRACE

Will's not my boyfriend. He's gay.

HAL

Nice try.

GRACE

Hel - lo! Does this look like a straight guy's apartment to you?

Pictures of nude men on the walls, crepe pans, copies of Cosmo all neatly indexed?

HAL

Now that you mention it it does seem kinda fruity.

GRACE

Kinda? It's queerer than Christmas.

HAL

Ok. The gag can come off.

HAL UNDOES WILL'S GAG.

WILL

Hal, listen to me. It's not too late. I can help you. I'm a lawyer.

HAL

I hate lawyers.

WILL

Did I say lawyer? I meant carpenter.

I love the feel of wood in my hands, in so many ways...

KAREN ENTERS

KAREN

Hey, Grace. Wilma.

HAL

Karen? Is that you?

KAREN

Why it can't be - Harry Devoto?

HAL AND KAREN HUG

KAREN

Long time no see. Put on a bit of weight, hon. Here. There. And everywhere.

Hell, honey, you're a Beatles tune set to flab!

GRACE

(HISSES) Karen, he's an escaped convict!

HAL

So, Karen, I hear you're married now? Hook a juicy one?

KAREN

The juiciest, honey. Loaded and with a dodgy ticker. It's a marriage made in heaven but consumated in hell.

GRACE

You two know each other?

HAL

Sure. Karen used to be Davey the shiv's moll.

GRACE

You were a moll? People called you Karen the moll? To your face?

KAREN

Honey, it's the oldest story in the book.

Boy meets girl.

Girl becomes moll.

Boy says we gotta lie low.

Girl says it's better if I'm on top.

WILL

Davey the shiv? I'm guessing he wasn't a nice jewish boy who loved his mom?

HAL

The shiv was Davey's weapon of choice.

KAREN

I haven't thought of Davey in years. How is the old softie?

HAL

Serving 30 to life in Rikers. Armed robbery with menaces.

WILL

The old softie.

KAREN

When you see him, tell him love and kisses from Karen.

HAL

I'm not going back. Once I've sliced and diced this guy, Grace and I are heading south of the border.

KAREN

You're going on the lam? That takes me back. Life on the edge.

Never knowing where your next hi ball was coming from.

GRACE

South of the border? Mexico? I can't live in Mexico. The heat, the flies, the food.

Will, tell him Mexican food brings me out in hives.

HAL

Grace, every since you sent me that picture of you in a peekaboo bra, I can't get you out of mind. Marry me, and I'll carve your name in blood all the way to Tiajuana.

GRACE

Marry you? Oh my. This is all so sudden.

WILL

Grace...

GRACE

Shush, Will. No one ever proposed to me before. Give me a moment.

WILL

Grace, you can't be serious. He's a homicidal maniac - no offense.

GRACE

Hal, I've decided. I --

LOUD BANGING ON THE DOOR.

FBI

This is the FBI! The building's surrounded, Devoto. Give yourself up.

HAL

The Feds! They'll never take me. I'll kill you all first.

HAL'S EYES ROLL TO THE BACK OF HIS HEAD AND HE COLLAPSES TO THE FLOOR.

KAREN HAS SANDBAGGED HIM WITH A BLACKJACK.

GRACE

Karen! What did you do?

KAREN

Just a little tap on the noggin with a blackjack, Grace.

Nothing to get your panties in a twist over.

WILL

You carry a blackjack in your purse?

KAREN

Sure, honey. If Stan gets too frisky - bop! - nighty night, sweetums, see you in the morning.

WILL

Karen, I never thought I'd say this, but your freaky sex toy has saved my life. Thank you.

KAREN

You're welcome, honey. You need a hand with the ropes?

WILL

Please.(BEAT) Uh, Karen, you're tightening the knots.

KAREN

Shush, Wilma. Karen knows what she's doing.

INT. WILL'S APARTMENT. A DAY OR TWO LATER.

WILL AND GRACE ARE ON THE COUCH. WILL IS MASSAGING GRACE'S FEET.

IT'S A COSY, BUCOLIC SCENE.

WILL

So Hal's back behind bars?

GRACE

Yup. Doing an extra 20 years.

WILL

You'll be nearly 70 when he gets out. Think you'll hook up?

GRACE

Nah. I'll be in Florida then. Playing mah-jong and scooping my butt off the floor.

WILL

You weren't seriously going to say yes when he proposed?

GRACE

Will, I was so caught up in the excitement of the moment who the hell knows.

WILL

Grace the moll. Has a certain ring to it.

JACK ENTERS. HE'S DANCING AND SINGING JAMES BROWN'S 'PAPA'S GOT A BRAND NEW BAG'.

JACK

Check it out. Papa's got brand new pants! Papa's got brand new pants!

JACK BENDS DOUBLE AND STICKS HIS TUSHY IN THE AIR.

HIS PANTS SPLIT UP THE SEAM.

WILL

Looks like Papa's gonna need brand new brand new pants.

***

THE END

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