InuYasha Discovers Herbal Essences
by Matt Garner
Chapter 3
What Hast Shampoo Wrought?
"Kaede! Kaede!"
Kagome screamed frantically for the old priestess as she ran just as frantically into the village. Fortunately, Lady Kaede just HAPPENED to be right there at the village entrance, with Myoga the flea just a-sittin' there on her shoulder! How's that for convenience, eh?
"Yes, child?" Kaede answered comfortingly, "Whatever is the matter? What troubles ye so?"
Gasping for breath, Kagome breathed "Inu... InuYasha... He's... He's running around acting like a lunatic..."
"We know," sighed Myoga as both he and Kaede pointed behind themselves to indicate a certain silver-haired half-demon leaping about and cartwheeling all around the village singing "Do You Know the Muffin Man?"
"So then, Kagome..." Kaede asked, "Dost thou have any knowledge as to why our traditionally surly friend, InuYasha, now behaves so erratically?"
"RICE PUFFS!" screamed InuYasha from a distance.
Ignoring the bizarre outburst, Kagome said "I really don't know, Kaede! I was just washing his hair with some 'Herbal Essences,' and--"
But she was cut short by gasps from both of her audience members.
"NO!" squeaked Myoga.
"This cannot be!" added Kaede.
Kagome blinked vacantly. "Umm... Would you two mind explaining what's so terrible, please?"
Kaede took a deep breath and gave Kagome a deadly serious stare. "Kagome," she breathed, "This is a matter far worse than anything ye can comprehend!"
Kagome blinked vacantly. "What?"
"Allow me to explain, Lady Kaede," Myoga offered. "You see, Lady Kagome, supernatural beings such as Lord InuYasha are often highly sensitive to certain emotional or physical sensations and, if unfamiliar with such an experience..." His beady little eyes widened immensely as he finished, "...the subject may be driven insane!"
Instinctively clasping her hands to her mouth, Kagome gasped "You mean..."
"Aye," Kaede nodded gravely "There is little in this world more dangerous than a hanyou under the influence of orgasm-inducing hygiene products..."
Chapter 4
The First to Fall
And so, our beloved heroes Kagome, Miroku, Sango, and Shippo were soon gathered together to put a stop to InuYasha's heinous plan!
"I don't get it..." Shippo stated innocently whilst petting Kilala's head, "Why's InuYasha actin' so funny over some dumb ol' hair-soap?"
"I fear you are too young to comprehend, Shippo..." was Miroku's soft reply. "It concerns a physical impulse which becomes very important to people as they grow older..."
Shippo blinked and tilted his head. "Huh?"
Miroku pursed his lips, then shrugged. "Well, if you want to know--ACK!"
"We'll tell you when you're older," Sango answered after clocking Miroku upside the head with her gargantuan boomerang.
"Alright, everyone," said Kagome in her most heroic voice, "This is a very important mission! According to Myoga..." At this point, Myoga waved from his perch atop Kagome's head. "...InuYasha has gone completely insane! We've GOT to stop him before he takes over the entire world!"
The three companions blinked.
"Takes over the world?" Sango asked incredulously.
Ruffled, Myoga snapped "Of course! He IS a demon, after all! He has the power to conquer the world and ALL demons want to do that!"
"I don't..." squeaked Shippo.
"You don't count."
Sighing dramatically in hopes of impressing either Kagome or Sango with his sensitivity (and failing beautifully), Miroku said "Whether the fate of the world is at stake or not, we must see to it to calm InuYasha if for the only reason that he is our friend."
"HAH!"
Everyone looked about for the location of the mysterious scoffer.
"Scoff scoff!" scoffed InuYasha as he leaped down from the tree in which he had been spying on them all. "You'll never defeat the all-powerful InuYasha! This world is MINE to do with as I so desire!"
"InuYasha," Sango pleaded, "Truly think about what you're saying! What in Heaven's name would possess you to act this way?"
Staring at her with an indeterminate glint of insanity or perhaps self-revelation in his eyes, InuYasha explained "You don't understand, Sango... This shampoo..." He held up the bottle of Herbal Essences to illustrate his point, "This glorious, most-holy concoction has opened my eyes! With this, I have experienced indescribable feelings which I have never known before!"
"So..." Miroku asked, a devious grin on his face, "What? You've never--"
"NO, I HAVEN'T!" snapped InuYasha while blushing, "Now keep your dirty little imagination to yourself, you perverted monk!" With that, InuYasha aimed the shampoo bottle at Miroku and knocked him flat on his butt with a well-timed blast of Herbal Essence.
"EAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!" the monk shrieked while falling backward in slow motion.
"INUYASHA!" the remaining friends gasped.
"HOW COULD YOU?" finished Kagome.
"Fools!" the half-demon cackled, "You think you can defeat the almighty Lord InuYasha? NEVER!" He then stood and laughed maliciously with his hands up in the air for a good five minutes, blinked, then whapped his forehead and said "Oh right. Run away..." then skedaddled off.
Taking chase, Shippo and Kagome both yelled "Not so fast, InuYasha!" in unison. Sango, however, remained behind for just a moment.
"Miroku..." she whispered, tears filling in her dark eyes. She knelt down and ran her fingers through his (herbal fresh!) hair, urging "Miroku... Are you alright? Please... Please say something!"
"I... I'm alright..." the young monk coughed, "I'll be fine, Sango... Don't worry about me. Just... (cough cough) help our dear friend..."
Impressed (and mildly aroused) by Miroku's bravery, and with tears now trickling down her cheeks, Sango nodded and jumped onto Kilala's back as the creature grew to its much larger and more threatening form. "Onward, Kilala! To save InuYasha from himself!"
Shivering and gritting his teeth tightly, Miroku watched the lovely and very fertile monster exterminator leave. Then, once she was out of hearing range, he gave into the evil magic of the URGE, moaning "Ohhhh... BUDDHA, that feels good!"
