This is obviously a Harry Potter and LOTR crossover fic. It is intended to
be humorous and I hope it makes someone somewhere laugh.
Disclaimer: I own nothing or no one, to say the least.
Picture it, Hogwarts, 2002:
Professor Snape and Lucius Malfoy were heading to the potion master's dungeon late one evening.
"I've got something here you simply must see" Snape said mysteriously.
"My, you do love getting my hopes up, don't you."
They headed down the last flight of stairs and came to the dungeon door. Snape led them inside and quickly checked to make sure they were alone and no intrusions were forthcoming. Lucius stood looking perplexed but highly intrigued (as well as aroused).
"I've been doing a bit of reading about muggles history, how they achieved power and such," he said, pausing for dramatic effect. "It seems they had a very interesting source of untapped power at their disposal and chose to do away with it. You see, in a place called Middle Earth there were different species of beings: Elves, Hobbits, Men, Dwarfs, and etc...the list goes on.
"And?...What has this got to do with me?" Lucius interjected.
**Disclaimer: Silly plot line is near**
"Don't ever interrupt me when I'm in the middle of something important, you twit." Severus fumed and went on, "These creatures had a central source of power created by a dark and ingenious wizard. It was a single ring which would give the wearer control over all other beings. These fools actually feared the ring and proceeded to destroy it and the great wizard in time."
"Again, explain to me the use of these wonderful tidbits of knowledge."
"Don't you see, fool. If we found a way to get to this ring before it was destroyed, we could bring it here and rule the world. No more repulsive Voldemort to fear. Plus, we could erase this feeble school and all of it's annoying inhabitants." Snape concluded.
"Including my own dear son?" Lucius inquired.
"Especially him. You know I hate him as well as all the others. More than the others now that I think of his incredibly shiny hair."
"You're right, he's an insufferable git, isn't he?" laughed Lucius. "So how do we get this aforementioned ring, seeing as how it's been destroyed?"
"Easily, this is what I wanted to show you..." Snape whisks into the corner and begins stirring his caldron, which is filled to the brim with a green, bubbling substance. "This is just something I whipped up. It's derived from many vile things that are too hard to pronounce. It's purpose is to transport the drinker to whichever time and place they have in mind. So if someone wanted, they could change the course of history in one gulp."
"I bet you say that to all the boys." A smiled played across Malfoy's lips.
"Ha. Ha. Ha. You're very witty for someone who's had a lobotomy. Now if you'll focus, you pitiful excuse for a wizard,..."
Snape took a glass of the thick brew and handed one to Lucius. "All I have to do is continue to think of MiddleEarth in the days before the ring was destroyed. And all you need to do, you worthless poofter, is hold onto my shirttails. Which shouldn't be too big of a stretch."
Severus takes a deep breath and swallows. *which I heard he does often* The men are then whisked from the blackness of the dungeon at Hogwarts straight into a brightly lit forrest. They stand there blinking in the sunlight, looking to one another for a suggestion of what the hell they should do next. Before either of them can speak, voices emit from a path close by. Without having to consult on the decision, they both duck into the nearest bush to avoid being seen. The time will come to fraternize with the beings of this world, but Lucius and Severus would like to know what the competition looks like first.
The first figure to emerge is a lithe, beautiful young man who seems to be perfect in every way. He is replacing a polished bow into it's sleeve and looking vaguely bored. The second figure is also a man, or so he seems. The pale skin and long golden hair seem to exude something very impish.
"Haldir, Do you really think this is necessary? I am perfectly capable of performing such a task on my own."
"I am aware of your capabilities, Legolas, I merely wanted to assist you. Is that so wrong?" The man says.
"I suppose not. But let us find you a hobby in the future. One that does not include watching my backside as I pick up wood for the fire."
"I can imagine nothing more entertaining, but I am open to suggestions."
Severus looks to Lucius and raises an eyebrow. These must be the Elves he read so much about. Trouble is, he always understood they were androgynous creatures who lived entirely too long and never wanted to have sex. Never. How perfectly boring. Seems the history books were wrong. He recognizes them as part of the group who were given the task of seeing the ring perish.
"Haldir of Lothlorien - stop looking at my ass!" Legolas commands.
"I would cousin, but for being such a weak Elf where green leggins are concerned."
"Well I do have a nice ass. Alright then." Legolas begins picking up small twigs and such, sticking out his backside in such a way that is not usually becoming of an Elf.
Snape realizes this is the moment when the two are most vulnerable and least likely to shoot an arrow into his enormous forehead. He steps out of the bush and motions for Lucius to do the same. Snape was sure to get in the first word as they approached the Elves.
"Well, it seems we are but weary travelers in your land and greatly in need of assistance. " He arched an eyebrow in feigned anxiety. Another brow was arched back at him inquisitively by Haldir. Haldir turned to Legolas and raised the other brow in a exasperated gesture. Legolas, who was at this point confused, accidentally raised both brows and succeeded in looking like something was suddenly shoved up his ass. Haldir dismissed his odd behavior and took the situation into his own hands.
"Well, you gentlemen look honest enough. You can journey with us for long as it suits you, but mind you don't interfere with the task at hand."
"And what task might that be?" Lucius asked, voice dripping with innocence and blinking his eyes rapidly. *blink, blink, blink*
"My comrades and I are to destroy the all powerful ring of the dark lord. Don't guess you've heard of it?" Legolas inquired.
"Not that I can say. You, Lucius? Has any part of your pea sized brain had knowledge of such a thing?"
"No. And I think I'm offended, but that Elves leggins are so impossibly tight I can't really focus."
"Well, that's an honest enough answer. Come, everyone follow me back to the camp. Feel free to stare at my perfect ass as I traipse through the forest," Legolas answers.
So they do. They arrive back at the fellowship's campsite to large amounts of ale and hilarity ensues! As we leave this scene, we see four hobbits have passed out next the fire in a rather suggestive position. There's a dwarf in a tree, where he was tossed by a rather inebriated Elf. Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy, thinking their plan had gone brilliantly, relax and sleep peacefully. The rest of the fellowship continued to play around long into the night. Because let's face it, when you spend that much time with someone out in the wilderness, you're gonna have to find new ways to amuse yourself. And let's just leave it at that.
FIN
Picture it, Hogwarts, 2002:
Professor Snape and Lucius Malfoy were heading to the potion master's dungeon late one evening.
"I've got something here you simply must see" Snape said mysteriously.
"My, you do love getting my hopes up, don't you."
They headed down the last flight of stairs and came to the dungeon door. Snape led them inside and quickly checked to make sure they were alone and no intrusions were forthcoming. Lucius stood looking perplexed but highly intrigued (as well as aroused).
"I've been doing a bit of reading about muggles history, how they achieved power and such," he said, pausing for dramatic effect. "It seems they had a very interesting source of untapped power at their disposal and chose to do away with it. You see, in a place called Middle Earth there were different species of beings: Elves, Hobbits, Men, Dwarfs, and etc...the list goes on.
"And?...What has this got to do with me?" Lucius interjected.
**Disclaimer: Silly plot line is near**
"Don't ever interrupt me when I'm in the middle of something important, you twit." Severus fumed and went on, "These creatures had a central source of power created by a dark and ingenious wizard. It was a single ring which would give the wearer control over all other beings. These fools actually feared the ring and proceeded to destroy it and the great wizard in time."
"Again, explain to me the use of these wonderful tidbits of knowledge."
"Don't you see, fool. If we found a way to get to this ring before it was destroyed, we could bring it here and rule the world. No more repulsive Voldemort to fear. Plus, we could erase this feeble school and all of it's annoying inhabitants." Snape concluded.
"Including my own dear son?" Lucius inquired.
"Especially him. You know I hate him as well as all the others. More than the others now that I think of his incredibly shiny hair."
"You're right, he's an insufferable git, isn't he?" laughed Lucius. "So how do we get this aforementioned ring, seeing as how it's been destroyed?"
"Easily, this is what I wanted to show you..." Snape whisks into the corner and begins stirring his caldron, which is filled to the brim with a green, bubbling substance. "This is just something I whipped up. It's derived from many vile things that are too hard to pronounce. It's purpose is to transport the drinker to whichever time and place they have in mind. So if someone wanted, they could change the course of history in one gulp."
"I bet you say that to all the boys." A smiled played across Malfoy's lips.
"Ha. Ha. Ha. You're very witty for someone who's had a lobotomy. Now if you'll focus, you pitiful excuse for a wizard,..."
Snape took a glass of the thick brew and handed one to Lucius. "All I have to do is continue to think of MiddleEarth in the days before the ring was destroyed. And all you need to do, you worthless poofter, is hold onto my shirttails. Which shouldn't be too big of a stretch."
Severus takes a deep breath and swallows. *which I heard he does often* The men are then whisked from the blackness of the dungeon at Hogwarts straight into a brightly lit forrest. They stand there blinking in the sunlight, looking to one another for a suggestion of what the hell they should do next. Before either of them can speak, voices emit from a path close by. Without having to consult on the decision, they both duck into the nearest bush to avoid being seen. The time will come to fraternize with the beings of this world, but Lucius and Severus would like to know what the competition looks like first.
The first figure to emerge is a lithe, beautiful young man who seems to be perfect in every way. He is replacing a polished bow into it's sleeve and looking vaguely bored. The second figure is also a man, or so he seems. The pale skin and long golden hair seem to exude something very impish.
"Haldir, Do you really think this is necessary? I am perfectly capable of performing such a task on my own."
"I am aware of your capabilities, Legolas, I merely wanted to assist you. Is that so wrong?" The man says.
"I suppose not. But let us find you a hobby in the future. One that does not include watching my backside as I pick up wood for the fire."
"I can imagine nothing more entertaining, but I am open to suggestions."
Severus looks to Lucius and raises an eyebrow. These must be the Elves he read so much about. Trouble is, he always understood they were androgynous creatures who lived entirely too long and never wanted to have sex. Never. How perfectly boring. Seems the history books were wrong. He recognizes them as part of the group who were given the task of seeing the ring perish.
"Haldir of Lothlorien - stop looking at my ass!" Legolas commands.
"I would cousin, but for being such a weak Elf where green leggins are concerned."
"Well I do have a nice ass. Alright then." Legolas begins picking up small twigs and such, sticking out his backside in such a way that is not usually becoming of an Elf.
Snape realizes this is the moment when the two are most vulnerable and least likely to shoot an arrow into his enormous forehead. He steps out of the bush and motions for Lucius to do the same. Snape was sure to get in the first word as they approached the Elves.
"Well, it seems we are but weary travelers in your land and greatly in need of assistance. " He arched an eyebrow in feigned anxiety. Another brow was arched back at him inquisitively by Haldir. Haldir turned to Legolas and raised the other brow in a exasperated gesture. Legolas, who was at this point confused, accidentally raised both brows and succeeded in looking like something was suddenly shoved up his ass. Haldir dismissed his odd behavior and took the situation into his own hands.
"Well, you gentlemen look honest enough. You can journey with us for long as it suits you, but mind you don't interfere with the task at hand."
"And what task might that be?" Lucius asked, voice dripping with innocence and blinking his eyes rapidly. *blink, blink, blink*
"My comrades and I are to destroy the all powerful ring of the dark lord. Don't guess you've heard of it?" Legolas inquired.
"Not that I can say. You, Lucius? Has any part of your pea sized brain had knowledge of such a thing?"
"No. And I think I'm offended, but that Elves leggins are so impossibly tight I can't really focus."
"Well, that's an honest enough answer. Come, everyone follow me back to the camp. Feel free to stare at my perfect ass as I traipse through the forest," Legolas answers.
So they do. They arrive back at the fellowship's campsite to large amounts of ale and hilarity ensues! As we leave this scene, we see four hobbits have passed out next the fire in a rather suggestive position. There's a dwarf in a tree, where he was tossed by a rather inebriated Elf. Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy, thinking their plan had gone brilliantly, relax and sleep peacefully. The rest of the fellowship continued to play around long into the night. Because let's face it, when you spend that much time with someone out in the wilderness, you're gonna have to find new ways to amuse yourself. And let's just leave it at that.
FIN
