ACT ONE
FADE IN:
INT. MCGUIRE HOUSE – KITCHEN – DAY
JO is engaged in Kitchen work while MATT is eating his cereal. Enter SAM.
SAM
(to Matt)
Hey champ. Ready to go to the zoo today?
MATT
You bet dad. I want to see those foxes. I really dig their style…
JO
(laughing)
Well, you'll be able to see all the animals. Though I don't know who's more excited. You or your father.
SAM
Jo, the zoo can be a very educational experience. It's about the majesty of nature.
JO
Uh, huh.
SAM
Besides, I wanna see the pandas!
CUT TO:
INT. SCHOOL – HALLWAY – DAY
Lizzie and Gordo are walking down the hallway. Gordo's just explained Tudgeman's situation to Lizzie.
LIZZIE
So, Miranda and Veruca like the same guy? And he happens to be Tudgeman?
GORDO
You got it.
ANIMATED LIZZIE
Warning! Warning! Does not compute! Does not compute!
LIZZIE
Poor Miranda.
GORDO
Poor Tudgeman. He's completely unprepared for this. He goes from not even being able to touch a girl to having two of them practically overnight.
(beat)
I have to admit, part of me admires the guy.
Lizzie gives him a cold stare. 'The Look'.
GORDO
(stammering)
Not to say that I'd want that of course.
ANIMATED LIZZIE
Not if you know what's good for ya!
LIZZIE
That's better.
GORDO
So, what do we do?
ANIMATED LIZZIE
He's asking me?
LIZZIE
I don't know—
Up walks Miranda.
MIRANDA
Hey guys. I keep missing Tudgeman. It's almost like he's avoiding me, but I know that's not possible.
LIZZIE
Uh, yeah Miranda. I mean, why would Tudgeman avoid you?
MIRANDA
I know, it doesn't make sense.
At this point Tudgeman rounds a corner, sees Miranda, and goes back as fast as he can. Only Gordo is witness to this.
MIRANDA (CON'T.)
Guess I'll just have to try harder.
Lizzie and Gordo share a look.
CUT TO:
EXT. ZOO – DAY
Sam, Jo and Matt are standing near the monkey cage.
SAM
(to Matt)
Hey look, there's Fredo's relatives.
MATT
Hiya little guys. How're you liking the zoo?
One of the monkeys 'raspberries' him.
MATT
Can't say I blame ya. Being cooped up all day.
SAM
Let's give them a peanut!
JO
Sam! Don't feed the animals! You saw the signs!
SAM
Ah, come on Jo. It's only a peanut. Besides, they look hungry. Isn't that right little guys? Here you go.
Sam tosses a peanut into the cage only to have it tossed back out, hitting him in the face. Matt laughs.
CUT TO:
SHORT MONTAGE TO: "MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME SONG":
INT. HIGH SCHOOL – HALLWAY – DAY
Miranda passes a row of lockers looking around for Tudgeman. Then Veruca comes by from the opposite direction, also looking around for Tudgeman. When the coast is clear one of the locker doors opens to reveal Tudgeman hiding inside. He looks from side to side to make sure they're gone.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – QUAD – DAY
Students mill around. Some are putting trash in a garbage can. Miranda and Veruca, separately and unaware of each other, go around inquiring of various kids if they've seen Tudgeman. They all shake their heads or some other negative signs. When the girls go on their way Tudgeman emerges from the trashcan, where he's been hiding.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY
Miranda pauses briefly from her search to rest under a tree. Directly opposite her Veruca does the same thing on the other side of the tree. Still thinking, they are off again soon, each in their own direction. The camera pans up to reveal Tudgeman hidden in the tree's crown.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL – CLASSROOM – DAY
Miranda pops into a classroom looking for Tudgeman. Not seeing him she leaves. Veruca comes and does the same thing then leaves. A teacher then closes the door – revealing Tudgeman who had been hiding behind it.
End of Montage
CUT TO:
INT. HIGH SCHOOL – STAIRWELL – DAY
Lizzie, Gordo and Tudgeman are standing at the bottom of the stairwell. Tudgeman looks around shiftily.
LIZZIE
Larry, you can't keep hiding from Miranda and Veruca.
TUDGEMAN
You're right. I'm running out of places…
LIZZIE
That's not what I meant.
GORDO
Larry, as ridiculous as this sounds – and believe me, it sounds ridiculous – you've got two girls chasing after you. The only thing for you to do is stand up and deal with it.
TUDGEMAN
(pleading)
But how?
LIZZIE
(hesitantly)
Well… Who do you like more?
TUDGEMAN
That's the problem. I like them both.
GORDO
Definitely not helping Tudgeman.
TUDGEMAN
I know. But I can't choose between them. Did Kirk choose between Spock or McCoy?
GORDO
Kirk wasn't dating Spock or McCoy. You are.
ANIMATED LIZZIE
Okay. This conversation has officially entered the 'weird zone'.
TUDGEMAN
Look, I need some more time to think this over.
GORDO
Time is the one thing you don't have much of. They're going to find you sooner or later.
TUDGEMAN
(conflicted)
I know. I know.
Tudgeman walks away unsure as to what to do.
CUT TO:
EXT. ZOO – ELEPHANT ENCLOSURE – DAY
Sam, Jo and Matt are standing in front of the Elephant display. Sam is reading the plaque that gives information about the animal being displayed.
SAM
(reading)
Hey Matt. It says here that an elephant eats 600 pounds of food a day. That's pretty interesting, huh son?
(beat)
Son?
Sam and Jo turn around – Matt's gone.
JO
Matt!
CUT TO:
EXT. ZOO – ORANGUTAN CAGE – DAY
Matt is talking to an orangutan while holding an animal shaped pinwheel he's picked up while at the zoo.
MATT
So then the barber says, "I thought he was a monkey!"
The orangutan smiles and makes noise indicating laughter.
MATT (CON'T.)
I'm sorry you have to be all locked up in there. But it is for your own good.
The orangutan reaches through the bars and pats Matt while toying with the pinwheel.
MATT (CON'T.)
You want this, boy?
Jo and Sam rush up, having found Matt.
JO
Matt! Where were you? We thought you'd run off.
MATT
(indicating the orangutan)
I was just visiting with Hank here.
JO
Well, you can just tell Hank goodbye mister! You're not leaving our sight.
Jo pulls Matt away. In the process the pinwheel ends up in Hank's hands.
ANGLE ON: Hank.
We see him take the stick part of the pinwheel and place it in the keyhole of his cage. He fiddles around with it until the lock 'clicks' and we see the cage door open. Hank smiles and makes his satisfaction known.
CUT TO:
INT. HIGH SCHOOL – CLASSROOM – DAY
Mr. Dig comes into his empty classroom. He goes to sit behind the desk when he bumps into something.
ANGLE ON: Tudgeman crouched down underneath the desk.
Sheepishly he gets up.
TUDGEMAN
Sorry about that.
MR. DIG
(bemused)
Something you want to talk about Mr. Tudgeman?
Tudgeman sits at a vacant desk.
TUDGEMAN
(helpless)
It's just, I like Miranda and Veruca.
MR. DIG
(sympathetic)
Ah, woman troubles.
TUDGEMAN
I can't just choose between them…
MR. DIG
Then don't.
TUDGEMAN
(confused)
Huh?
MR. DIG
(laughing)
Mr. Tudgeman, that's what dating is all about. You take 'Becky Sue' out to the movies one night and then you take 'Mary Beth' to the theater the next. Dating necessitates going out with more than one person. Now, if you're going steady, that's a whole different ballgame. But dating itself, there's nothing to 'choose' over.
TUDGEMAN
I'd never thought of it like that.
MR. DIG
That's what the whole process of courtship is for. Weeding through various people until you find 'the one'.
TUDGEMAN
That seems reasonable.
MR. DIG
That's because it is Mr. Tudgeman.
TUDGEMAN
I wonder if Miranda and Veruca will see it that way?
MR. DIG
That I can't help you with.
(beat)
But anyway, ask yourself, if they're not reasonable, would you really want to date them in the first place?
CLOSE ON: Tudgeman as he ponders the situation.
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT ONE
