A/N- Gosh, dunno if this is angsty, but to get in the mood I had to get myself really depressed and literally was crying while I got the plot for this going. The best form I came up with was letters. Every chapter will be a letter from Jane to Neil, except the first and last, which'll be third person because...you'll see.
Don't own 'em, never will,. Why not, you ask? 'Cause I don't friggin want Aki or Dr. Sid and UNFORTUNATELY, i hear that's all that left. ^_^ have a nice day!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Neil, September 4th, 2068

I feel silly, but it's better then Dear Diary, don't you think? If you ever knew I was doing this you would laugh. God, I miss your laugh. I miss everything. The day you died... I missed you before you were even gone. How could I be so stupid? I'm empty without you. Yesterday I felt something I never felt before, and you caused it- numbness. I sat there, wondering where you are until I (yeah, the same Jane Proudfoot you left here) cried myself into a state of numb I can't describe. They say that when you're numb you can't feel. That's a one hundred percent un-true statement. I felt the whole time. When I think I've cried all I can, more tears find their way up to my eyes. God, Neil, how could this happen? Why didn't I pull you away before it got you? It all happened so quick...I just need some sort of forgiveness... Great, I'm crying again. Dammit, Neil, you made me cry for the first time in eighteen fricking years. I want to believe you're in a better place, I do, but I can't. I can't let you go until I know where you are and can be with you. I dreamt about you last night. You told me to move on, forget about you. I can't.
Speaking of moving on, we have a new recruit in the Deep Eyes. We all fought against it, but, face it, we need a tech/pilot. He's nothing like you. He's mean, he pushes people around (especially me), he doesn't follow orders, he's almost gotten us killed more then once, and he thinks he's better then everyone (including Gray). His name is Bryant, or something like that. He makes people call him "Bry-man" and I almost smacked him the first day he was here. Nothing, nothing at all like you. You were sweet, kind, funny, caring, smart, courageous, brave... you were my everything and I didn't realize it. You would slap me if you heard what I almost did, but they're making me write, so I better. I attempted suicide a month after Bryant came. I was about to shoot myself in the chest, right in the heart, but when I was tightening my grip on the trigger... Gray walked in from my side. I jumped, thinking I had locked it, and shot myself in the stomach. He ran over, telling me I'd be fine. Not the words I wanted to hear.
Ryan and Gray miss you too. We don't talk about you much, because I break down each time we do, but they have the look. The "Nothing will ever be the same without Neil" look. You changed a lot of peoples lives, Neil. Showed me that all guys aren't out to hurt you. Showed Gray brains are better then brawn. Taught Ryan opposites attract, as he says. I smiled lightly when he said that, wondering to myself if you did or ever could love me back. I suppose you could, but I'm not sure you did. I wish you were here to tell me, that's for sure. I guess I'll tell you about your funeral, since they think if I talk about you enough I'll "get it out of my system". Like you're aspirin and I O.D.ed. I guess I did, huh? Hah, there you go, I just smirked. You should come with a warning. "Don't Get Too Close". Or "Pull me away now, Jane!" I just rolled off my bench by my bed in my apartment, a mixture of laughter and tears.
So, your funeral. I was the first there, wearing my MF uniform- I didn't want to, but I was forced. It rained that day. Looked like a thousand angels sobbing. I looked up, and as if you were watching, lightning struck. I smiled through my tears, pushing my frizzy, wet hair down for the hundredth time. I felt a hand on my shoulder and a squeeze of my hand and I looked down to see Aki and Gray. They walked back to the car and I walked up to your tombstone, reading it carefully. I know what it says by heart because I go back every day.
'Neil Fleming
February 23, 2038- December 15, 2067 (A/N- Hehe ty, Terra. Before I look retarded.)
Lived for a while-Will be remembered forever'
It's true. Not necessarily the most romantic or sincere way of saying it, but, it is the truth. Wow, guess this helped a little, huh? Maybe I'll make this a habit. It kind of seems like you're still here.

Jane

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ooo, shorter then I wanted it to be, but I officially have the whole plot down! Now to type it! ^_^

Flames are good, contrary to popular belief.

and.. ::sigh:: this is getting old. LOL

"FLAME, MY CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT! FLAME!"


Your lufferly Author Friend,
Jess