December 15, 2069
23:18
Neil,
Well, today's the day. An anniversary of many things. It's been twelve months since I was released from the psychiatric ward after a three-month stay, and exactly four years since you were taken from us all.
Four years. Hell. It's surprising, really, that it's been this long without you. As much as I told you you were annoying and I wished you weren't in the squad... ...Jesus. I was a bitch to you and I knew it, and it satisfied me. If I'd known then... ...
Here I go, falling rapidly into another state of depression. Anyway, speaking of the kook house, I don't think you know about it. I never wrote about it, at least. I was looking back at older entries and realized you wouldn't have any idea what I meant when I said to Gray that it had been two months, and I was fine. I guess after three attempted suicides, they started "worrying". The first time had been when Gray caught me shooting myself and I slipped. The second time I'd swallowed a bottle of aspirin, then had to go along with the squad on a mission. We'd made it less than half way there when I passed out in Ryan's lap. The last time kind of cinched the deal: I'd cut myself on the arms while I was in the bathroom and Ryan had found me. That's why whenever I'm upset, Ryan comes to talk to me. I think he's afraid of finding me like that again.
And the disappointment. It was there, shrouded under their concern. Ryan had said, "You can overcome this.", Gray told me, "You can't stop living", and Bryant? Bryant said, "Cut deeper next time, maybe you'll get lucky and see your boyfriend in hell."
And despite how weak I was, I still managed to grab him tightly around the throat with one hand and slammed his head against the food tray on the bed hovering over my lap. Ryan and Gray scrambled to hold me back as I kicked at him wildly.
"Fuck you!" I shouted at him as he nursed his head.
"God, you're a nut!" Bryant yelled.
"Williams, out, now!" Gray commanded. The idiot stumbled out and Ryan tried to calm me by whispering soothing things to me while I crumpled in front of them both, crying while Ryan held me and Gray moved his arm around me.
"I hate him." I mumbled into Ryan's chest.
"Don't listen to him." Gray stated. But the ass ran to General Birns, turning me in and landing me in a psycho hospital. At least when Gray got called in, Williams got into trouble as well: kitchen duty, bathroom cleaning, and a small suspension.
The hospital itself was probably the most sickly clean thing I've ever seen. At least I had an outlet: I sent letters to Ryan the whole time. (Yeah, I have a thing with sending letters to people, if you hadn't noticed.) At least the other patients left me alone, too scared from what they'd heard about me to do anything. I behaved, let up, and answered their questions. In return, they let me out. Bryant muttered a fake apology that sounded rehearsed and robotic, probably written by Gray.
You're probably all caught up now, and the lovely little Casper I've named after you seems to be clingy at the moment. I keep feeling wind or something on my cheek, but when I glance at the window, it's closed, and the door is too. No, the air conditioner isn't on, idiot... I think that would give it away, even if I was that much of an idiot.
Great, I'm talking to a Ghosty Neil again. I've got this cold unnerved feeling all up and down my spine, just because a ghost I assume is you is rubbing my back.
I need to rest, because Casper/You is/are confusing me.
Jane
----
Love To my Terra!
23:18
Neil,
Well, today's the day. An anniversary of many things. It's been twelve months since I was released from the psychiatric ward after a three-month stay, and exactly four years since you were taken from us all.
Four years. Hell. It's surprising, really, that it's been this long without you. As much as I told you you were annoying and I wished you weren't in the squad... ...Jesus. I was a bitch to you and I knew it, and it satisfied me. If I'd known then... ...
Here I go, falling rapidly into another state of depression. Anyway, speaking of the kook house, I don't think you know about it. I never wrote about it, at least. I was looking back at older entries and realized you wouldn't have any idea what I meant when I said to Gray that it had been two months, and I was fine. I guess after three attempted suicides, they started "worrying". The first time had been when Gray caught me shooting myself and I slipped. The second time I'd swallowed a bottle of aspirin, then had to go along with the squad on a mission. We'd made it less than half way there when I passed out in Ryan's lap. The last time kind of cinched the deal: I'd cut myself on the arms while I was in the bathroom and Ryan had found me. That's why whenever I'm upset, Ryan comes to talk to me. I think he's afraid of finding me like that again.
And the disappointment. It was there, shrouded under their concern. Ryan had said, "You can overcome this.", Gray told me, "You can't stop living", and Bryant? Bryant said, "Cut deeper next time, maybe you'll get lucky and see your boyfriend in hell."
And despite how weak I was, I still managed to grab him tightly around the throat with one hand and slammed his head against the food tray on the bed hovering over my lap. Ryan and Gray scrambled to hold me back as I kicked at him wildly.
"Fuck you!" I shouted at him as he nursed his head.
"God, you're a nut!" Bryant yelled.
"Williams, out, now!" Gray commanded. The idiot stumbled out and Ryan tried to calm me by whispering soothing things to me while I crumpled in front of them both, crying while Ryan held me and Gray moved his arm around me.
"I hate him." I mumbled into Ryan's chest.
"Don't listen to him." Gray stated. But the ass ran to General Birns, turning me in and landing me in a psycho hospital. At least when Gray got called in, Williams got into trouble as well: kitchen duty, bathroom cleaning, and a small suspension.
The hospital itself was probably the most sickly clean thing I've ever seen. At least I had an outlet: I sent letters to Ryan the whole time. (Yeah, I have a thing with sending letters to people, if you hadn't noticed.) At least the other patients left me alone, too scared from what they'd heard about me to do anything. I behaved, let up, and answered their questions. In return, they let me out. Bryant muttered a fake apology that sounded rehearsed and robotic, probably written by Gray.
You're probably all caught up now, and the lovely little Casper I've named after you seems to be clingy at the moment. I keep feeling wind or something on my cheek, but when I glance at the window, it's closed, and the door is too. No, the air conditioner isn't on, idiot... I think that would give it away, even if I was that much of an idiot.
Great, I'm talking to a Ghosty Neil again. I've got this cold unnerved feeling all up and down my spine, just because a ghost I assume is you is rubbing my back.
I need to rest, because Casper/You is/are confusing me.
Jane
----
Love To my Terra!
