Title: If Tequila Bottle Wrote the Show

Authors: Freaky McFreaks … if you don't know who we are … tough shit to you.

Disclaimer: My cousin Guido and I are still trying to "persuade" John Wells to give us ER … stubborn bastard. You might as well know now, this is pure fucked up nonsense. So if you don't like that kind of thing, turn back now.

Authors' notes: Okay, who the hell stole our ducks? Give them the fuck back. And while you're at it, review, why don't you?

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Chapter 2: Stop Teenage Pregnancy! Quit the Debate Club!


Abby: Hey Carter, why is the tumor in my abdomen kicking me?

Carter: I don't know. It's kicking me too. But why the hell are you asking me? I don't have the training to tell you something like that.

Abby: I thought you were a doctor. I mean, in addition to being a pansy ass.

Carter: Sure I'm a doctor...But I'm also your clueless boyfriend. Why would I be able to tell you why your insanely large stomach is kicking me? Maybe your stomach is just growling because you only ate 3 lunches today.

Abby: Are you calling me fat? You better not calling me fat!

Carter: I can't tell, that MagicID Badge of yours is cleverly covering your belly.

Abby: What belly? I don't have an insanely large belly hiding behind this ID badge. I just have to wear a badge on a string because I'm head nurse.

Carter: Then why didn't Haleh wear one before?

Susan: Because you dumbass motherfuckers, she was just fat, not pregnant!

Abby: I'm NOT fat!

Carter: Of course you aren't, sweetie ... you're just big-boned.

Luka: More than you can say about Carter.

Susan: Gross. How the fuck would you know that anyway Luka?

Luka: Luka has X-ray vision in addition to his super-intelligent sperm

Abby: You said "SPERM" hahaha!

Susan: Abby, I think you can get past your sperm obsession now.

Abby: Obsession? I'm not obsessed...I just think it's funny when people say dirrrty words.

Susan: You're a goddamn nurse. Sperm shouldn't be a dirty word to you.

ChenBitch: But she's *just* a nurse ... she's not qualified to discuss technical medical matters like "sperm".

Abby: And you're *just* a bitch...yet you somehow manage to get screen time. And why did you get to take your shirt off and go down on Pratt when I didn't even get to show off my bare hot ass while I went down on PansyAss in the shower?

ChenBitch: Hey, hey! Just because I gave a guy a hand release at Harry Potter doesn't make me a slut. Just because I had SPERM ... I mean, club soda on my sweater ... that doesn't make me a slut.

Luka: Wait ... Ebby ... you and Carter do it in the shower? You would never do it with Luka in the shower. And you went down on Carter? What the hell? You told Luka you don't do that kind of thing.

Carter: You mean for once you'd do something to me that you wouldn't do for him? I knew it...You always wanted me over him.

Abby: Why don't you ask ChenSlut to go down on you in the shower Luka? I'm sure she wouldn't have a problem with it.

ChenSlut: I am not a slut!

Randall from Harry Potter: Well, actually ... you are kinda slutty.

Father of ChenSlut's Bastard Child: Um, yeah she is.

Pratt: Kinda slutty? Damn, that bi-atch is a full-on slut. She's got her ho on.

Carter: Word to yah mothah from anothah brothah.

Pratt: What the hell is wrong with you?

Carter: If she can get her ho on...I can get my homey on.

Abby: How about if you just get the french maid's costume on?

Luka: How about Ebby wears that Catholic school girl uniform I bought her?

Susan: I thought you said that was a joke.

Abby: Well, he *bought* it ... that doesn't mean I wore it. Besides, why did I need some Salvation Army school girl uniform when I saved the real thing.

Carter: Oh, I like that outfit! Not as much as the nun outfit, but ...

Susan: A nun? You two are seriously fucked up.

Luka: Luka doesn't think it's right to mock the Church...The bishop would be so disappointed.

Abby: But I didn't even have sex with the bishop...and if we did, there's no way in hell he'd ever be disappointed

Luka: Holy Mary, mother of God ... Luka can't believe he is hearing such things.

Carter: I can get a bishop's outfit if it makes you happy, Abby. Or at least a priest outfit.

Abby: How appropriate, ambiguously-gay boy.

Susan: I like to make out with younger boys...Maybe I should wear the priest's outfit...It will be a different kind of manshirt.

Carter: But then you'd have to make out with Abby.

Abby: That's okay ... I can dress up like I'm a boy.

Carter: What about me?

Abby: You can watch.

Susan: I'm not making out with Abby...What do you think this is, Girl's Club?

ChenSlut: Hey! Abby wouldn't make out with me!

Abby: Why would I make out with you? I'm obviously not up to your slutty standards ... you think I'm just a stupid bitch.

Luka: Luka thinks you aren't that pretty or that special. But you still made out with me.

Abby: Yeah, *before* you told me that..you shithead

Carter: I didn't know that was all it would take to get you to stop making out with me.

Susan: You WANT her to stop making out with you?

Carter: Well, sometimes an ambiguously gay pansy ass needs rest.

Abby: Rest? Why would you ever need to rest? I'm the one doing all the work every three hours.

Susan: Every three hours? Damn Carter, can I borrow Abby for a night or two?

Abby: Just name the time and place, Susiecakes.

Susan: Right here, right now.

Pratt: This is too good to be true. Two chicks going at it.

Carter: Two *chicks* going at it? This is appauling

Abby: I thought this was every man's fantasy? Are you saying you wouldn't like a little something-something with me and Susan?

Carter: Like what? Hot fudge sundaes?

Abby: Sure ... of course, we'll all be naked.

Carter: Oh, well, that sounds pretty good.

Susan: The way you've been eating lately though Abby, I don't think anyone else will be able to eat anything.

Abby: I think you're missing the point...You'll be too distracted by my hot ass to care about eating anything.

Carter: Yeah, Abby's ass is hot. Big and round. I like big butts.

Pratt: Me too dog, me too.

ChenSlut: Because that's the most important thing...That she has a big ass. Are you trying to tell me you don't like my skinny skank-ass because I'm not black?

Carter: Chill the fuck out there you slut. Just let Pratty-boy knock you up like I did to Abby and then your ass and your boobies will get bigger too

Abby: Look at my boobies! Look how nice and round and full they are.

Susan: And look how purely coincidental that is.

Abby: Of course it's a coincidence. I mean, it just so happened that my boobies doubled in size and then my butt got bigger and then I got this peculiar growth in my stomach. Which is kicking me to death. What a strange bunch of coincidences, huh?

Carter: You're right. Those are really strange. Maybe you should see a doctor about that...

ChenSlut: He's right Abby, you are just a nurse. An ER nurse who was formerly an OB nurse...You obviously can't tell what is going on in your body without proper head-up-your-ass training.

Abby: I'm not that flexible ... espeically now with this ... this ... growth ... believe me, if I was ... I wouldn't need Carter.

Carter: Of course you need me Abby. What would you do without me to satisfy your need to @#$@# like jackrabbits 5 times a day.

Luka: Ebby, you told me you were allergic to having sex more than once a day. Why would you tell me something like that?

Susan: Why would you believe something like that?

Luka: Luka doesn't know the ways of American women.

Susan: Luka's a dumbfuck.

Abby: No, he's really not that dumb of a fuck. ...I mean sure, he's fucked his number of dumb people...Just look at Neecole. But on the other hand...He did have his way with me...And I'm really really smart...It's just too bad I can't figure out what this fucked up growth is. Maybe it's a really rare disease and I'm the first person to get it.

Susan: Yeah, bitch ... that's right ... you the first person to get "About to pop out a little fucker" disease. Let me write your stupid ass up in a medical journal for this one. 'Humps like a jackrabbit ... gets knocked up ... gives birth.' Wow ... that's a new one.

Abby: What are you trying to say?

Susan: I wasn't clear?

Abby: I have no idea what the hell you are talking about.

Susan: A baby! I was talking about a baby!

Abby: You're having a baby? That's so exciting!

Susan: Yeah, bitch. With all the sex I've been having ... that's right ... I'm gonna have a baby. Immaculate conception.

Abby: Hey, just like Jesus. That's pretty special of you Susan.

Luka: Are you sure it isn't Luka's baby? I did look at you for 3 whole seconds yesterday.

Susan: What a bunch of fucking morons. *I'm* not pregnant. *I'm* not the one with big boobs and wide hips and a round belly that KEEPS KICKING ME!

Carter: What are you talking about? Your boobs are huge.

Abby: What the fuck are you doing looking at her huge boobs when I've got my own set of mega-boobies?

Carter: Sorry Abby ... I don't know what I was thinking. Are you gonna have to spank me for that?

Abby: Of course. Then I'm going to have to show you exactly what you've been missing while looking at Susan's rack. But after I sit down for a while. This weird bulge of mine is really starting to kick me hard.

Carter: After you sit down for a while? You mean you aren't ready to get started right now...Are you feeling ok?

Abby: No, I told you, my tumor is kicking me ... really hard ... and it's really starting to hurt.

Carter: That's pretty weird...

Abby: What the hell is happening to me? You're all doctors...HELP ME!

Susan: Well this is a tough one...Bitch, you're probably just going into labor.

Abby: Just going into labor? I'm not even pregnant...I've just got this weird kicking growth in my stomach.

Susan: What the hell did you think that was?

Abby: Duh...a tumor with a twitching problem.

Susan: Hey bitch? I know you're just an OB nurse and all ... but let me clue you in ... TUMORS DON'T KICK! That's a baby in there.

Abby: What? No! How'd that happen?

Luka: Luka looked at you.

Susan: I don't think that was it. This is just a crazy guess...But maybe it had something to do with the fact that you and Carter spend more than half the day going at it...You'd have to think you'd get knocked up one of these days

Abby: I don't understand. I can't be pregnant ... I'm a nurse, wouldn't I know?

Susan: You'd think.

Carter: But I'm a doctor, I would have been able to tell.

Susan: Please, you can't even tell the difference between your sweaters and Abby's sweaters.

Carter: What are you talking about? This salmon colored turtleneck is mine, not Abby's.

Abby: He's right. I'd never wear anything so pansy-assed as that pink sweater.

Carter: Pansy-assed? What do you mean? This is a beautiful, 100% rabbit hair, salmon-colored garment.

Abby: That's my point exactly. You know what? I don't have time to discuss your wardrobe...My stomach is acting up again. That's like the second time in 3 minutes...What the hell is going on here?

Susan: Abby ... I want you to think back to all those years in OB ... remember what you did as an OB nurse?

Abby: Dammit, Susan ... I don't have time to play "career day" ... this really fucking hurts ... what the hell? It's like there's something trapped inside of me trying to break free. OOWWWW!!

Susan: You're right...It's almost like *something* is trying to break free. But it couldn't be something as crazy as a baby, now could it?

Abby: Of course not...I don't have babies...My mom was crazy...my brother is crazy...So that means my babies will be crazy, so I don't have babies.

Susan: Sure, you don't have any yet...but you're going to have one in a few hours.

Abby: How do you figure?

Susan: How do I figure? HOW DO I FIGURE? Well, I figure that baby that's inside of you, making that bump under your shirt is gonna come sliding out whether you want it to or not. And then you'll have a baby!

Abby: Wow...that was really fast. I thought pregnancy took nine months? You're telling me that I find out I'm having a baby today...and then it's just going to slide out of me later on? That's pretty damn amazing.

Susan: Oh my God, you dumbshit. It's been in there for nine months already. Carter -- didn't you notice her getting rounder and rounder? Didn't you think it was weird that her belly kept kicking you?

Carter: Well, she was puking a lot...then she was eating a lot...so I just figured she was getting fat and then the food she was eating was just exploading in her stomach...I mean she was eating popsicles called "firecrackers" all the time...It all just seemed to make sense

Susan: And you're a doctor?

Carter: I am? Oh yeah...I guess I am.

Susan: Unbelievable.

Abby: Yeah, he really is unbelievable. Did I ever tell you about that time we -- OWWWW ... there it is again! Oh! I need a doctor!

Carter: But where are you going to find one?

Susan: Oh my *God*...What is wrong with you? You just said you were a doctor...And I'm a doctor...And ChenSlut's a doctor...And Luka's a doctor...And Pratt's a doctor. The only one here that isn't a doctor is Abby.

Abby: You too with the I'm *just* a nurse, Susan? That's the last time I let you stare at my ass, you bitch

ChenSlut: See, Abby ... I told you not to get up in my business, you're just a nurse ... you're not qualified to make any decisions.

Abby: I'm qualified to stick my fuck-me boot straight up your ass.

Carter: Oh, now this I'd like to see.

Abby: Quit smiling, you're next.

Carter: What the hell did I do?

Abby: You're responsible for the little fucker that's playing La Bamba on my stomach lining.

Carter: Me? You're the one who won't let me rest until we've done it in every room of the hospital.

Abby: Yeah, but you're the one with the SPERM!! Haha! I said "sperm!!"

Susan: What the hell is wrong with you?

Abby: You mean beside the 7 pound parasite with a head the size of a watermelon trying to get out of me? Dammit, Carter ... why did you have to be so fertile? I thought I'd be safe with such a pansy ass.

Carter: I just thought all the visits with your good friend Tequila Bottle would have rendered you the unfertile one.

Abby: Well, that's fucking stupid ... it's just booze ... it's not like it's weed. I TOLD you to smoke up ... if you'd just listened to me, you could have killed all your damn SPERM. I said "sperm!!" Haha!! But oh no ... the straightest ambiguously gay man in Chicago wouldn't have anything to do with that.

Carter: Abby, I have an addictive personality...remember the painkillers? There's no way in hell I was going to risk getting addicted to weed.

Abby: Don't be so stupid you PansyAss...No one gets addicted to weed. All this talk about pot...I could really use some to get rid of this pain right about now.

Susan: You can't honestly be that stupid. You're about to have a baby...you can't get stoned before you give birth.

Abby: Why the fuck not? It seems like the perfect time to get high to me...