Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Harry Potter characters, they are owned by J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros.   and I don't own any of the Lord of the Rings characters… they belong to J.R.R. Tolkien. The only thing I own is the plot!!

A/N: Okay, this is my first Harry Potter/ Lord of the Rings humor fan fiction!! I hope you like it and please review!! But please no flames!!! I will review some of your stories if you review some of mine!!! Oh and this story was written under the influence of coffee… so that's why it is so weird!! Please Enjoy!

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Harry Potter in Hobbiton

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Chapter 1

 "Where are we?" Ron asked looking around the green hills of Hobbiton.

"According to my calculations we are in Hobbiton, it's a place in middle earth where little people live and eat themselves stupid!" Hermione answered quickly in her know it all voice.

"Hermione, do us all a favour and shut the hell up!" Parvarti snapped at Hermione.

Hermione looked at Parvati and glared. Hermione opened her mouth, just about to say something but Harry interrupted them.

"HAHAHA LOOK LITTLE PEOPLE!!!" Harry yelled out loudly, putting a stop to the argument, while sipping some coffee from his coffee mug.

The rest of the group looked down the hill they were standing and saw four people walking towards them. One of them was a short, fat man with a long red beard. Ron squealed and ran down and started patting the beard and talking to it. There was another fat man walking next to him which was unmistakably a hobbit. Hermione looked at him, smiled then giggled (she later found out his name was Sam). Harry then saw a beautiful lady who had long dark hair and pointed ears. Harry recognized her as an elf named Arwen. Harry walked down to her and engaged her in a conversation about shiny disco balls which she seemed very interested in. Parvati then spotted Legolas, a handsome elf that had long blonde hair.

"Like oh my god!!! Like look at his ears! Like they're like all pointy like!" Parvati squealed, "Like I SO like have to like touch them!"

Parvati ran up to him and started stroking his ears.

Meanwhile Hermione and Sam were flirting like crazy. Suddenly Sam grabbed Hermione and pulled her into a passionate kiss.

"You are such a good kisser," Hermione purred at Sam after they parted, "Let's go into that clump of bushes over there." Sam nodded, grabbed Hermione's hand and pulled her towards the bushes. The other six people looked over at the now moving bushes then looked back at their partner and started pashing ferociously.

Suddenly a girl with dark brown hair and blue eyes jumped out of the bushes and ran over to Harry and Arwen who were still kissing.

"GET OFF HIM!! HE'S MINE, I TELL YOU, MIIIINNNNEEEE!!!!" She yelled slapping Arwen on the face, "YOU KEEP YOUR DIRTY HANDS OFF HIM!!"

Arwen threw a punch. Five seconds later all Harry could see was dust and an occasional leg or arm. Harry stood back and watched them fight over him. He checked out each girl until he finally came to a decision who he wanted. Harry held up his hand to stop them. They both stopped and looked at him. Arwen had a scratch on her face and her dress was ripped in a couple of places. The other girl was wearing a cat suit with cat ears sticking out of her messy hair which had been messed up in the fight. She cleared her throat then walked forward quickly fiddling with her cats tail.

"Hi Harry! I'm Bridget and I'm a total fan of yours! I like love you soooo much! Will you go out with me?" she asked quickly smiling at him and fluttering her eyelashes.

Harry looked into her eyes and couldn't resist her. He looked at Arwen who was still staring at him.

"Sorry Arwen, but you're a book character! Like how could I fall I love with one of those?!" he said looking at her chuckling, "Anywayz, you know red cordial and coke shouldn't be mixed together with chocolate then eaten by a goat."

Arwen looked at him, nodded then walked away looking at the ground. Bridget started to jump up and down screaming.

"OH MY GOD!! ME AND HARRY POTTER! I RULE, I RULE, I RULE!" Bridget started singing while dancing around in circles.

"Erm… calm down will you?" Harry asked her quietly. Bridget stopped jumping around at once and then walked over to Harry smiling sweetly.

"So Harry, what do ya wanna do?" Bridget asked sweetly still smiling.

"Let's go eat used tissues!!!" he yelled happily (A/N: I know this sounds disgusting but I got the idea off my dog, she eats used tissues!). Bridget looked at Harry disgusted.

"You eat used tissues?!" Bridget asked shocked.

"Yep! They're really yummy! You should try some!" Harry said handing her a handful of snotty tissues what he had found.

"Err… maybe some other time," Bridget said still looking disgusted. Bridget watched Harry eat some more used tissues for a couple more minutes until she decided to look around the place where she was.

Bridget was looking at a small white rock when she heard Harry speak behind her.

"Oh My God! Some one has had a blood nose! My favourite!" Harry yelled behind her. Bridget turned around slowly, dreading what she was about to see. So sure enough when Bridget turned around she saw Harry sitting on a rock munching on a blood stained tissue. Bridget looked on in horror.

"Harry! That's enough! I can't stand it anymore! Give me that bin full of tissues now!" She yelled at him. Harry slowly handed over the bin. Bridget grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him over to where the rest of the group was standing looking at something in the distance. Bridget and Harry joined them and everyone turned around and looked at them. Their eyes fell on Harry who had some tissue hanging out of his mouth.

"Err?" They all said in unison.

"Erm…"said Harry pushing the tissue back into his mouth then swallowing it.

"What were you all looking at?" Bridget asked trying to cover up the uneasy silence.

"Well we saw a little bald man down there sneaking up here, he looked pretty suspicious," Legolas said pointing down the hill.

"Ah! A task! Leave it to me!" Bridget said magically changing into camouflage gear and picking up a gun which was on the ground at her feet. Bridget ran over to a clump of bushes and came out a couple of minutes later riding on a turtle. She slowly traveled down the hill on the back of the turtle until she came to the area Legolas pointed at earlier.

Bridget walked through the trees and saw a little man standing next to a bath tub rubbing soap over a tall thin man.

"AHHH! IT'S A LEPRECHAUN!" Bridget yelled out, "Wait… *insert drum roll here*…. IT'S WORMTAIL!!!!"

Bridget ran up to Wormtail and started bashing him with a chair which had somehow appeared. Suddenly all the trees disappeared and Bridget found herself in a wrestling ring.

"Must kill Wormtail," she muttered to herself as she jumped out of the ring and picked up a wooden table. She ran back into the ring and hit Wormtail over and over again with it. Bridget didn't realize until five minutes after she had killed Wormtail that he was dead. The only way she realized was by people holding her back and telling her to stop. Bridget looked down at the body of Wormtail on the bottom of the ring. His face was all bloody and he was purple and had yellow spots all over him.

Suddenly Bridget found herself back in the forest and Wormtail's body was gone. She looked into the bathtub in front of her and saw Voldemort floating in the water. He was dead. Bridget inspected him.

"Hey! He has such a small –"

* One thousand miles away *

"WEENER!! COME GET YOUR WEENERS!!" yelled Tom the baseball food seller to the crowd. Suddenly an image of a dead man in a bathtub flashed before his eyes. "He has such a small –"

* Another one thousand miles away *

"Dick! Look at me now! What are you doing?" Mary yelled at her younger brother.

"Sorry Mary, I just saw an image of this guy in my head, he had such a tiny –"

* Another one thousand miles away *

"SAUSAGE!! I LOVE SAUSAGES! THEY ARE ALL LONG AND YUMMY!" yelled a strange lady in the 'Crazy Mental Institution'. Suddenly she got a dazed look in her eyes.

"Hey doctor! I just saw something in my head!" She yelled out across the room to a doctor standing in the corner.

"That's great!" the doctor called back absentmindedly.

"No seriously! There's this guy in a bathtub and he had a really miniscule -"

This continued for a very long time until…

* Back in the forest with Bridget *

"Nose!" she said finishing her sentence. * Everyone all over the world who had seen the vision groaned *

Legolas, Parvati, Hermione, Sam, Ron, Gimli and Harry walked through the bushes to where Bridget was standing.

"OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED VOLDIE! THAT'S MY JOB!" Harry yelled out shocked while Bridget smiled satisfied with her work, "THANK YOU!"

Harry rushed up to her and kissed her on the cheek.

"Hey, what about me Harry? Can I have a kiss too?" Ron asked hopefully.

"Ron, as if I would kiss you! Like you're all ugly and freckly and red haired (A/N: no offence to red haired, freckled people... most people like that are very pretty!)" Harry said disgusted.

Ron ran off crying hysterically.

"Oh no! It's nearly lunch time, we'd better make lunch!" Sam said shocked.

Ten minutes later they were all seated around a wooden table eating. Harry was munching happily on a used tissue and Bridget was drinking a can of sweetened condensed milk. After Bridget had finished she sat there, smiled and thought how great it was to be with Harry Potter.

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A/N:  Okies!! Hope you liked it!!! I know it probably sucks… but please can you review?! I'll review some of your stories if you review mine!! Thanks!! Oh and in your reviews tell me who you want characters to kill in this story… Bridget is going to kill a lot more people!!

^_^