"Thought I sent you too bed?"
She smiled but did not turn, staying silent, hearing his gentle step towards her, feeling his presence behind her as he sat on the edge of the bed.
"It's a beautiful night," she said in reply
"Yeah it is"
"Kind of night that makes it easier to think about stuff"
Jack stayed silent at this statement. It was true the past few nights and days he had been thinking, but after talking a little, to his friends, things seemed a little easier in his mind. Jack was a man who dealt with problems one on one with himself. It had always been that way, easier that way. People weren't dragged into the equation of dealing with his problems. Talking was a different matter. Until things were straight in his mind, he found it hard to talk which is why it had been easier to talk about his first experience with Baal more so than his most previous.
Jack pulled his eyes from his hands that had been twisting a corner of the blanket between them to look at Sam. She sat legs tucked under her, chin resting on an outstretched arm over the windowsill, gazing into the night. The moonlight reflected through the pane and lighted her face softly. He could visibly see a difference in her. The few days they had spent here had softened the frown lines, which had been a permanent look for her since they woke up in the sarcophagi.
"Wanna talk about it or."
Sam shook her head, eyes still staring into the night although Jack doubted they really saw the scene outside. Jack sighed and placed his hands on the bed leaning forward quietly studying the floor. He would sit with her but he would have to get more comfortable. He moved further up the bed and swung his legs up, leaning against the headboard, legs stretched ankles crossed. Jack folded his arms over his chest and watched Sam who hadn't moved an inch since he'd walked in. He watched her like he watched for danger on their missions, picking up even the slightest breath, the fall of a strand of hair slightly forward over her forehead. The small sigh, the twitch of her fingers on the sill. He could feel her reserve, she wanted to talk but she didn't. A want but not a need, while she considered her dilemma of wondering whether now was the right time she knew they could sit in comfortable silence, which was what she was choosing at the moment.
Sam listened as Jack edged along the bed, lifted his feet onto it and got more comfortable. She listened for his soft breathing; she could feel his eyes on her throughout his manoeuvring. She flinched her fingers softly against the sill. She did want to talk; she just didn't know how to broach the subject. Now she knew how he had felt when he had told her about Daniel helping him through his nightmare with Baal the first time. She wondered if jack had had any other visits but had a feeling he may have said something by now as she already knew about the first time it had happened. She tilted her face upward; the moon was shining steadily through the window. Her mouth twisted into a pout and she shifted in her seat to look over at Jack.
He sat upright against the headboard, legs outstretched, ankles folded. His eyes were focused directly on her, their darkness glinting slightly in the moonlight. Sam lowered her gaze and stretched softly on her chair before rising. She awkwardly clambered onto the bed next to him kneeling in the middle looking at him. He had caught her arm softly in hand as she settled and made to withdraw his hand to fold his arms back across his chest but Sam softly took his hand in hers wrapping her other hand around them. He didn't grip but let her hold his hand in hers. Sam seemed slightly comforted by the feel of his hand in hers. She could feel the roughness of it lying against her own rough callused hands. The military was not good to the hands; no matter how much you tried to keep them soft.
Jack made no attempt to question her motives as she sat looking at him, hands wrapped almost possessively around his one of his own. He could see she wanted to talk but was processing in her mind how best to put across what she needed to say. Jack smiled softly to himself. Sam did that, knew him enough to know the easier she explained her toying thoughts the better reaction she would get from him. Sure he understood all the mumbo jumbo she and others liked to spout out, but did they always have to use the big words and descriptions to explain what sometimes too him was so simple no big descriptions were needed. It was a scientist thing he had figured, and he let her get on with it. Sam saw the smile grace his lips and heaved a sigh inside, he knew she was trying to organise her thoughts too tell him what she needed to get out, like a book. They had known each other way too long; old married couple that's what they were. She took a deep breath and jumped in without anymore thought on the matter. Her eyes kept focused on their hands clasped together.
"When we were in that room, and the partition withdrew, when I saw you and Baal. I remembered that day when you told me about your first experience with Baal. What you had suffered. I could remember the sound of your voice and the openness on your face. The fear and anger, it scared me to hear it, from you of all people. Seeing you in the same position again, god I was afraid. If you had barely gotten through it the first time how was I going too. You are so much stronger, stronger than I will ever be. I have not experienced half what you have, I doubt I ever will.
I've been in the airforce since I was eighteen years old, but on the most part, I was a desk jockey, climbing my way up more with brains and commitment than out in the field. When I finally was posted at, the SGC I truthfully didn't know if I could cut it out there, although I doubt anyone ever noticed my self-doubt. That's one thing people will always say about the Carter family, we are as stubborn as mules, and always step up to the challenge. It's so easy to go into action though, we're trained to act on every instinct, every order without question, like robots. That's how it's always been with me, once my mom died. I threw myself into my commitments, join the airforce, make it too NASA. I stopped caring pretty much, kept myself to myself. Work was my life, ruled me over everything, you know that you have known me since I joined Stargate, and that's what I wanted people too see. I didnt want them to see the person because I didnt like me.
Then something happened, it wasn't instantaneous, but as we grew closer as a team, as I relied more on the stability of all of us, I guess I started to care again. It was the team, but on the most part Daniel. He wasn't military, he wasn't trained to obey every order, he got himself into trouble on the most part because of it but he still managed to pull through, and he somehow made sense in every situation. He made me remember just because you're in the force doesn't mean you're not human. We aren't machines, we do have feelings. Yeah there's a time and a place for them, but it's ok to show them once in a while.
When we lost Daniel, it was so weird. I was angry with you; you were acting so 'military' like it was another officer lost in the field, not a friend, a best friend. I was afraid the dynamics of our team were going to suffer because of it. I guess I was so desperate to talk to someone about it. It wasn't until later, when I was thinking about stuff that's what you've always been like. Your the leader of the team, you had to keep focused, letting the loss of Daniel become a priority at work wasn't a luxury you could afford. It was the same with the General, it always been that way.
When you told me about Daniel helping you through that time, what went on. I was so relieved you had someone there with you, that Daniel could still come through for you. When Baal had those devices on me, I do not think I will ever forget. Each time they were turned on, it was worst than the previous time. However, the final time, when he turned them all on, I could feel them squeezing and pulling and breaking my muscles and bones. Now and I wonder how such small devices could create so much pain and torture"
Sam physically shuddered at the memory; it was so vivid in her mind. It wasn't only the blinding, bone shattering pain which had attacked her senses but the memories of her mind taking her to a place where no one could hear her urgent cries of help, no mater how loud she screamed. She could remember the fear and anger at her friends who did not heed to her calls. However, it was another memory she could remember which is the point she was trying to relay to Jack. Sam shifted her position, her legs becoming cramped from her kneeling position on the bed. She looked down at her hands, which were strangely gripping onto Jack's hand like it was the only thing keeping her in the here and now.
Jack had stayed silent throughout her outpouring of thoughts and was still silent. Sam managed to raise her focus to his. Jack had taken in every word silently being the constant shoulder as always for Sam, or any of his team, to lean on. Sam loosed her grip on his hand and he flexed his fingers softly. He had thought Sam was going to lay alongside him but she remained facing him, stretching her legs up toward the top of the bed softly, he smiled warmly as her brow furrowed for a moment wondering how too continue. Sam didn't want to go into the details of the experience; it was enough re-living them in her own mind. But how to bring around the subject of Daniel.
"It seemed unending, timeless, my mind and body were begging for death. I could hear myself screaming for death, for peace, for the end and then something else. It suddenly stopped and the next tingling sensations I felt were warm and calming. Soothing, it was so peaceful. I wondered if maybe I'd died. I wanted to stay like that forever, could have, nothing else mattered. It wasn't like I was giving up; I just wanted to choose the easy way out for once. Deep down I knew, knew it wasn't the real me. That I had so much more to experience, to prove to others and myself."
Sam hesitated for a moment; realising Jack had taken her hand in his.
"I could sense him before I could see him. I thought that maybe it was wishful thinking, after hearing about what happened to you the last time. But it was so real, he was so real."
"Daniel"
It was a statement, fact. Jack knew when Sam had started to speak again. Sam had been ready to give up, and the only person who could reach her in that place could have been Daniel. If he hadn't, and they had escaped, who knew how she could have coped? For a moment, her saw the fragile nature of the woman he saw as a good soldier, brilliant scientist, and a constant in his life, all their lives. He watched as Sam nodded her head, her gaze averted from his, looking directly at the wall ahead. She smiled at the memory, a dreamlike memory.
"He basically told me to get myself together. In Daniel's easy going, you know I'm right kind of way"
Jack knew what she was talking about, Daniel had that permanent demeanour whether he was here in physical form or ascended state. It had been the same when he had came to Jack the first time he'd been captured by Baal.
"He came to me again. I guess the first shake wasn't enough."
"When we were losing you at the base"
Another fact, himself and the others had been willing their energies into Sam. Willing her too come back to them, she had came through so much it was too late to give up.
"I was walking, I knew he was there, Baal was behind us, home was ahead but I was quite happy to walk for the time being. I could hear everyone, knew you were calling to me, but I didn't want to face reality. Not at the time, I was quite happy walking and then I sat. Sat between past and future and waited. Daniel came, sat with me, talked. It would have been so easy for me too stay, he told me I had to come back. Not just for everyone but for you for us. I knew he was right, he knew I knew, so he smiled in that half cocked, you know I'm right way and set me back on my way. That's when I woke up, saw you and knew I'd made the right choice"
Sam sighed. There really wasn't anymore to say she was glad she had told Jack what had happened. It wasn't everything but it was enough. She didn't need to tell him Daniel had said their time would come, she just knew eventually it would. Suddenly her eyes felt much heavier and she couldn't suppress the yawn which sprang upon her..
"Go too bed Carter"
Sam lay back on the bed hands folded behind her head.
"Really cant be bothered to change" she replied lazily. She felt as though a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders.
Jack took her hands and pulled her too a sitting position.
"Please yourself, just lay down properly"
Sam swivelled herself round as Jack reclined down further on the bed. She lay her head on his chest and closed her eyes. Jack planted a soft kiss in her hair as she drifted off to sleep.
"Sweet dreams Sam"
-the end-
