Communicating on all Levels Part 5 (I think)
**Disclaimer and all information in Part 1**
**Sarah Rabb's Barn**
"Mac you okay?"
"No. I don't think I am."
"Okay, want to talk about it?"
"Yeah but I need some time to process what I'm thinking so how about if we come back to that conversation?"
"As long as we actually have the conversation."
"Yeah we do have a problem with that!" I snort in response.
"Let's take this stuff to Grams." Harm and I gather up the food we've cleaned to Sarah in the kitchen.
"What would you two like for lunch?"
"Actually Grams I was wondering if you could help us fix up a picnic so Mac and I can go eat by the creek? That is if you're willing Mac?"
"Sounds good to me." It takes the three of us twenty two minutes to fix a picnic of sandwiches, pasta salad, and fruit salad. Harm and I both change into shorts and T-shirts. We take the cooler of food and an old blanket with us. It's about a quarter of a mile to the creek. We spread the blanket under and old tree and sit down to lunch.
"Why did you wait so long to tell me when your quals were?"
Harm takes a cleansing breath and sits his food down on the blanket. "I knew you'd be pissed. I also knew I didn't want to be at the wedding."
"Why not?"
"I had no interest in watching you marry a man you didn't love."
"How in the hell do you know how I felt about Mic." Now I've put my food down and I'm up on my knees looking at Harm.
"Oh come off it Mac!"
"Excuse me? Ahu! Mardekeh! How dare you presume to know anything about my feelings?" I'm now standing over Harm with my hands on my hips. I'm so mad I literally can't see straight. I'm having trouble focusing on Harm's face.
"Oh right give me a break Mac! If you were so freaking in love with Mic then why was it every time that Mic said I love you, you said me too. Either you couldn't say it because it wasn't true or you are so full of yourself that you were saying the you love you too!" Now Harm is also standing and we're practically toe to toe screaming at the top of our lungs.
"So just because you never heard me say it you think I must not of loved him. How do you know I didn't just have problems saying it when you were around? Just because you're emotionally constipated don't assume I suffer from the same affliction!"
"Okay fine. If you were so in love with him why didn't you go ahead with the wedding once you knew I was going to be okay? Don't give me any crap about you wanted me there. There was no reason not to go ahead once you knew I was going to be okay. Why didn't you follow him to Australia to work things out? Huh Mac? Can you answer that?"
"I don't know okay! I don't know! It just seemed like a lost cause. He was never going to get passed this thing between us." My voice has actually dropped to a lower level but I'm gesturing wildly with my hands.
"Maybe that's because we can't seem to get passed it Mac." Ah, the ghost of conversations past rears its ugly head.
"Okay as long as we're on that conversation. Why did you want me to come to you that night? Just trying to play my protector and keep poor little Mac from falling of the wagon again?"
"What! I can't believe you thought that. I actually had hopes that we'd be able to work some of this out between us. Of course I didn't plan on Renee showing up crying because her dad died. I'd planned on breaking up with her but it seemed too cruel. Then when I got back from the Guadalcanal it just seemed pointless. I didn't have the energy to bother with it."
"What do you mean it seemed pointless after you got back from the Guadalcanal?"
"Well hell Mac, you didn't show up to see me off. You also sprung that 'what would you give up to have me crap'. To me that said it didn't matter what I felt you and I wanted different things."
"What do you mean we want different things? I've been in love with you forever you moron!"
"I'm a moron? I'm a moron? You're the one who got engaged to a man after one date. A man who had previously tried to send you to prison. I never understood how you got past that. I also never understood where you went when Mic was around."
"Where I went? Explain yourself please." The please is almost growled instead of spoken. I only said it because I really can't order him to explain the comment since he's not in the Navy anymore.
"You're supposed to be this kick-ass jarhead lawyer right?" I shake my head. "Then why did Mic always get his way in your relationship?"
"Mic did not always get his way!" I'm screaming again. I can't believe he said that.
"Yeah he didn't always get his way. Right that's why your ideal wedding was a small, intimate, outdoor affair and what you planned was a wedding that was so big it would have made Charles and Di's look like an intimate family affair!" I have to snort at that the man does have a point. Not to mention a way with the mental images. The wedding Mic thought we should have was huge.
"So I let him have his way on the wedding. So what that doesn't mean he got his way on everything."
"You want more examples? Fine. How about all the arguments he started and you apologized for? How about him showing up unannounced at the Surface Warfare Ball? You were upset that he did that. Anybody who really knows you could tell that. The Mac I know would have kicked Mic's six and put him on the first plane back to Australia."
"I saw him as my chance to have a family."
"That's a great reason to marry someone Mac. What a wonderful marriage you two would have had. I'm so glad I dumped that plane in the ocean."
"Eb tvoju mat' What the hell do you mean you're glad you dumped that plane in the ocean. Are you trying to say you did it on purpose?"
"No, I didn't do it on purpose. But god Mac you were going to marry someone you didn't love, who played you like a fiddle. What a wonderful life to bring children into. Your child would have had a childhood just like yours!"
"Excuse me? Mic did not play me. I would never have brought a child into a relationship like my parents had!" "Mic didn't play you! Bullshit! All he had to do was threaten to leave and he got his way. How'd he get you to move the ring start to go back to Australia and reactivate his commission?" Harm screams. "You were so terrified of being alone that you'd do what every Mic wanted just to have someone. You'd be whatever Mic wanted. How long do you think you could keep that up? How long would it have been until either you turned back to the bottle because you were so miserable? Or would Mic have started to abuse you because you couldn't meet his demands? You really think it would have been fair to bring a kid into that?"
"I would have been a good mom. I'm not my parents!" I can't believe he's saying this to me. "Mic and I wouldn't have been like my parents! So he pushed me around a little, he wouldn't have hit me or our child!" We're screaming so loud that I'm surprised Sarah hasn't shown up to see what's going on.
"He pushed you around!" Oh shit, I didn't mean to tell him that!
"And you were still going to marry him. Good god, woman! Are you really that desperate to have a man in your life? And you think it wouldn't have turned out like your parents? Are you really that naive? Do you think your dad was beating your mom when they got married? Do you think your dad planned to beat you when you were born? What you think he looked at his baby girl and said hey I think I'll become a drunk who beats the hell out of his wife and kid? You think he planned to do all that? Do you think your mother planned to abandon you on your 15th birthday clear back when you were a baby? I don't. I think they started out much like you and Mic and the situation got away from them. I can't believe you thought you could marry him and live happily every after!"
"I could have and would have if you hadn't crashed your damn plane!"
"Yeah right Mac. It's all Harm's fault. Poor little Mac, can't pick a good man and it's all Harm's fault."
"Mardekeh! I never said it was all your fault. What about the Sarah Mackenzie curse."
"You're not cursed Mac you just have shitty taste in men. You don't find men that have anything in common with you or respect you. You go to the first man that shows you the least little bit of attention. Hell I bet if he hadn't died you'd be with Webb now! Of course I should say you go to the first man that pays any attention and shows you no respect."
"I wouldn't be with Webb now! I can't believe you would think that let alone say it. Men respect me."
"I never said that men don't respect you. I said the ones you choose for relationships don't respect you. Let's look at your relationships. Did Chris respect you? Did he?"
"No!"
"Then there's Dalton. If Dalton had so much freaking respect for you why did he pressure you to leave JAG and the Marines? Why did he use you to get information about a case? Then let's look at Mic. Mic who tried to put you in prison. You know he thought you were guilty? If he respected you why did he browbeat you until you took the damn ring? He didn't think you knew your own mind? Why couldn't you plan the wedding you wanted? He didn't think you knew what you wanted did he? Did he? If that's your definition of respect Mac then I know why you've never had a decent relationship."
"Like you respect me any more than they did." Oh my god, I don't believe I just said that. I know Harm respects me but I'm mad and I'm hurting and I want him to feel the same way.
"I don't respect you? Like hell I don't. I backed off when you were with Mic and let you do what you felt you had to. I respected your choice to back off on the Guadalcanal. Do you realize every woman I've cooked dinner for has ended up in my bed that night? Except you Mac. Except you."
"So that just proves you don't want me!"
"I don't want you. Damn it woman when are you going to get it through your head that I want one hell of a lot more than just a quick roll in the hay with you?" At that Harm spins around and heads for the house.
"Harm!"
"Mac, leave me alone. I can't do this any more." Harm yells back and keeps walking. I sink to my knees and start crying as I realize just how badly I've screwed things
tbc....
**Disclaimer and all information in Part 1**
**Sarah Rabb's Barn**
"Mac you okay?"
"No. I don't think I am."
"Okay, want to talk about it?"
"Yeah but I need some time to process what I'm thinking so how about if we come back to that conversation?"
"As long as we actually have the conversation."
"Yeah we do have a problem with that!" I snort in response.
"Let's take this stuff to Grams." Harm and I gather up the food we've cleaned to Sarah in the kitchen.
"What would you two like for lunch?"
"Actually Grams I was wondering if you could help us fix up a picnic so Mac and I can go eat by the creek? That is if you're willing Mac?"
"Sounds good to me." It takes the three of us twenty two minutes to fix a picnic of sandwiches, pasta salad, and fruit salad. Harm and I both change into shorts and T-shirts. We take the cooler of food and an old blanket with us. It's about a quarter of a mile to the creek. We spread the blanket under and old tree and sit down to lunch.
"Why did you wait so long to tell me when your quals were?"
Harm takes a cleansing breath and sits his food down on the blanket. "I knew you'd be pissed. I also knew I didn't want to be at the wedding."
"Why not?"
"I had no interest in watching you marry a man you didn't love."
"How in the hell do you know how I felt about Mic." Now I've put my food down and I'm up on my knees looking at Harm.
"Oh come off it Mac!"
"Excuse me? Ahu! Mardekeh! How dare you presume to know anything about my feelings?" I'm now standing over Harm with my hands on my hips. I'm so mad I literally can't see straight. I'm having trouble focusing on Harm's face.
"Oh right give me a break Mac! If you were so freaking in love with Mic then why was it every time that Mic said I love you, you said me too. Either you couldn't say it because it wasn't true or you are so full of yourself that you were saying the you love you too!" Now Harm is also standing and we're practically toe to toe screaming at the top of our lungs.
"So just because you never heard me say it you think I must not of loved him. How do you know I didn't just have problems saying it when you were around? Just because you're emotionally constipated don't assume I suffer from the same affliction!"
"Okay fine. If you were so in love with him why didn't you go ahead with the wedding once you knew I was going to be okay? Don't give me any crap about you wanted me there. There was no reason not to go ahead once you knew I was going to be okay. Why didn't you follow him to Australia to work things out? Huh Mac? Can you answer that?"
"I don't know okay! I don't know! It just seemed like a lost cause. He was never going to get passed this thing between us." My voice has actually dropped to a lower level but I'm gesturing wildly with my hands.
"Maybe that's because we can't seem to get passed it Mac." Ah, the ghost of conversations past rears its ugly head.
"Okay as long as we're on that conversation. Why did you want me to come to you that night? Just trying to play my protector and keep poor little Mac from falling of the wagon again?"
"What! I can't believe you thought that. I actually had hopes that we'd be able to work some of this out between us. Of course I didn't plan on Renee showing up crying because her dad died. I'd planned on breaking up with her but it seemed too cruel. Then when I got back from the Guadalcanal it just seemed pointless. I didn't have the energy to bother with it."
"What do you mean it seemed pointless after you got back from the Guadalcanal?"
"Well hell Mac, you didn't show up to see me off. You also sprung that 'what would you give up to have me crap'. To me that said it didn't matter what I felt you and I wanted different things."
"What do you mean we want different things? I've been in love with you forever you moron!"
"I'm a moron? I'm a moron? You're the one who got engaged to a man after one date. A man who had previously tried to send you to prison. I never understood how you got past that. I also never understood where you went when Mic was around."
"Where I went? Explain yourself please." The please is almost growled instead of spoken. I only said it because I really can't order him to explain the comment since he's not in the Navy anymore.
"You're supposed to be this kick-ass jarhead lawyer right?" I shake my head. "Then why did Mic always get his way in your relationship?"
"Mic did not always get his way!" I'm screaming again. I can't believe he said that.
"Yeah he didn't always get his way. Right that's why your ideal wedding was a small, intimate, outdoor affair and what you planned was a wedding that was so big it would have made Charles and Di's look like an intimate family affair!" I have to snort at that the man does have a point. Not to mention a way with the mental images. The wedding Mic thought we should have was huge.
"So I let him have his way on the wedding. So what that doesn't mean he got his way on everything."
"You want more examples? Fine. How about all the arguments he started and you apologized for? How about him showing up unannounced at the Surface Warfare Ball? You were upset that he did that. Anybody who really knows you could tell that. The Mac I know would have kicked Mic's six and put him on the first plane back to Australia."
"I saw him as my chance to have a family."
"That's a great reason to marry someone Mac. What a wonderful marriage you two would have had. I'm so glad I dumped that plane in the ocean."
"Eb tvoju mat' What the hell do you mean you're glad you dumped that plane in the ocean. Are you trying to say you did it on purpose?"
"No, I didn't do it on purpose. But god Mac you were going to marry someone you didn't love, who played you like a fiddle. What a wonderful life to bring children into. Your child would have had a childhood just like yours!"
"Excuse me? Mic did not play me. I would never have brought a child into a relationship like my parents had!" "Mic didn't play you! Bullshit! All he had to do was threaten to leave and he got his way. How'd he get you to move the ring start to go back to Australia and reactivate his commission?" Harm screams. "You were so terrified of being alone that you'd do what every Mic wanted just to have someone. You'd be whatever Mic wanted. How long do you think you could keep that up? How long would it have been until either you turned back to the bottle because you were so miserable? Or would Mic have started to abuse you because you couldn't meet his demands? You really think it would have been fair to bring a kid into that?"
"I would have been a good mom. I'm not my parents!" I can't believe he's saying this to me. "Mic and I wouldn't have been like my parents! So he pushed me around a little, he wouldn't have hit me or our child!" We're screaming so loud that I'm surprised Sarah hasn't shown up to see what's going on.
"He pushed you around!" Oh shit, I didn't mean to tell him that!
"And you were still going to marry him. Good god, woman! Are you really that desperate to have a man in your life? And you think it wouldn't have turned out like your parents? Are you really that naive? Do you think your dad was beating your mom when they got married? Do you think your dad planned to beat you when you were born? What you think he looked at his baby girl and said hey I think I'll become a drunk who beats the hell out of his wife and kid? You think he planned to do all that? Do you think your mother planned to abandon you on your 15th birthday clear back when you were a baby? I don't. I think they started out much like you and Mic and the situation got away from them. I can't believe you thought you could marry him and live happily every after!"
"I could have and would have if you hadn't crashed your damn plane!"
"Yeah right Mac. It's all Harm's fault. Poor little Mac, can't pick a good man and it's all Harm's fault."
"Mardekeh! I never said it was all your fault. What about the Sarah Mackenzie curse."
"You're not cursed Mac you just have shitty taste in men. You don't find men that have anything in common with you or respect you. You go to the first man that shows you the least little bit of attention. Hell I bet if he hadn't died you'd be with Webb now! Of course I should say you go to the first man that pays any attention and shows you no respect."
"I wouldn't be with Webb now! I can't believe you would think that let alone say it. Men respect me."
"I never said that men don't respect you. I said the ones you choose for relationships don't respect you. Let's look at your relationships. Did Chris respect you? Did he?"
"No!"
"Then there's Dalton. If Dalton had so much freaking respect for you why did he pressure you to leave JAG and the Marines? Why did he use you to get information about a case? Then let's look at Mic. Mic who tried to put you in prison. You know he thought you were guilty? If he respected you why did he browbeat you until you took the damn ring? He didn't think you knew your own mind? Why couldn't you plan the wedding you wanted? He didn't think you knew what you wanted did he? Did he? If that's your definition of respect Mac then I know why you've never had a decent relationship."
"Like you respect me any more than they did." Oh my god, I don't believe I just said that. I know Harm respects me but I'm mad and I'm hurting and I want him to feel the same way.
"I don't respect you? Like hell I don't. I backed off when you were with Mic and let you do what you felt you had to. I respected your choice to back off on the Guadalcanal. Do you realize every woman I've cooked dinner for has ended up in my bed that night? Except you Mac. Except you."
"So that just proves you don't want me!"
"I don't want you. Damn it woman when are you going to get it through your head that I want one hell of a lot more than just a quick roll in the hay with you?" At that Harm spins around and heads for the house.
"Harm!"
"Mac, leave me alone. I can't do this any more." Harm yells back and keeps walking. I sink to my knees and start crying as I realize just how badly I've screwed things
tbc....
