**Disclaimers and all information in Part 1**
A/N Sorry it's been so long. This part was really hard to write. I know
where I'm going I'm just having some problems getting there!
Mac's room on Sarah Rabb's farm Sunday 7pm
Thank God for unlimited weekend minutes. I just spent the past seven hours on my cell phone. I actually had my cell phone plugged into my charger while I was talking on it! Figure better to be tied down by a cord than have my battery croak mid-sentence.
I called Uncle Matt first. I got lucky and managed to talk to him for over two hours before somebody else in the unit needed the phone. People assume that if you're in prison your phone calls are limited. They are but not for the reason you think, unless the inmate is in trouble. The problem is you usually have 10-12 inmates sharing one phone and limited hours where they can make and receive calls. We usually don't get as much time as we need to talk but it's nice when we do.
Uncle Matt and I talked about my parents. We usually don't talk about them much, I think he feels guilty because he didn't do more to get me out of there when I was a kid. He told me that for years nobody in the family realized just how bad things were between them. My mother was very good at convincing others the relationship was going just fine. Then when Uncle Matt did figure out what things were like, she played down the severity and swore she could change my father. Uncle Matt said he never really understood how bad it was until the day my mother left. By that time there wasn't a whole lot he could do because my father wouldn't allow it and I wasn't letting anyone in because I didn't believe anybody could help.
Uncle Matt said two things that sent chills up my spine. One was that my mother once told him Joe Mackenzie was the best she could do. The other thing was that he was afraid that I thought Michael Brumby was the best I could do. I really didn't have a response to that. Well not one that he'd wanted to hear anyway. I did actually think that Mic was the best I could do and that my will alone could make everything okay. As I said goodbye to Uncle Matt, I was beginning to realize that settling isn't always a good thing.
Then I made my second phone call. Helen and I talked for four hours and forty-seven minutes. We talked about what I wanted from Harm in Sydney and what I want from Harm now. We also discussed why I agreed to marry Mic and why it's not a good thing to make decisions like that without listening to your heart. Helen asked me why I felt so compelled to marry Mic. Thing about talking to Helen is you can't pull the wool over her eyes. She got me to admit that I agreed to marry Mic because I wanted to have a family and prove I could be a better parent than my parents. I've proved professionally that I'm better than my childhood. I feel the need to prove it in my personal life too.
That led to a long discussion about how while it's good to be strong willed and that while being strong willed is what's allowed me survive and prosper, I can't impose my will on others. Just because I want something to happen doesn't mean I can make it happen, especially if someone else is involved. I can take steps to help me get what I want but I can't make the other person want what I want.
I tried to make Harm want me on my schedule, when he couldn't bend I didn't meet him halfway. Then I tried to make my relationship with Mic into the one I wanted with Harm. The thing was I wanted to change Mic and he wanted to change me. I have to wonder when he was in love with an illusion just like I was in love with the idea of a family.
I'm sure I'll end up thinking about this some more later but right now I'm starved.
"Hey Gram's what have we got around here to eat?"
TBC.....
Mac's room on Sarah Rabb's farm Sunday 7pm
Thank God for unlimited weekend minutes. I just spent the past seven hours on my cell phone. I actually had my cell phone plugged into my charger while I was talking on it! Figure better to be tied down by a cord than have my battery croak mid-sentence.
I called Uncle Matt first. I got lucky and managed to talk to him for over two hours before somebody else in the unit needed the phone. People assume that if you're in prison your phone calls are limited. They are but not for the reason you think, unless the inmate is in trouble. The problem is you usually have 10-12 inmates sharing one phone and limited hours where they can make and receive calls. We usually don't get as much time as we need to talk but it's nice when we do.
Uncle Matt and I talked about my parents. We usually don't talk about them much, I think he feels guilty because he didn't do more to get me out of there when I was a kid. He told me that for years nobody in the family realized just how bad things were between them. My mother was very good at convincing others the relationship was going just fine. Then when Uncle Matt did figure out what things were like, she played down the severity and swore she could change my father. Uncle Matt said he never really understood how bad it was until the day my mother left. By that time there wasn't a whole lot he could do because my father wouldn't allow it and I wasn't letting anyone in because I didn't believe anybody could help.
Uncle Matt said two things that sent chills up my spine. One was that my mother once told him Joe Mackenzie was the best she could do. The other thing was that he was afraid that I thought Michael Brumby was the best I could do. I really didn't have a response to that. Well not one that he'd wanted to hear anyway. I did actually think that Mic was the best I could do and that my will alone could make everything okay. As I said goodbye to Uncle Matt, I was beginning to realize that settling isn't always a good thing.
Then I made my second phone call. Helen and I talked for four hours and forty-seven minutes. We talked about what I wanted from Harm in Sydney and what I want from Harm now. We also discussed why I agreed to marry Mic and why it's not a good thing to make decisions like that without listening to your heart. Helen asked me why I felt so compelled to marry Mic. Thing about talking to Helen is you can't pull the wool over her eyes. She got me to admit that I agreed to marry Mic because I wanted to have a family and prove I could be a better parent than my parents. I've proved professionally that I'm better than my childhood. I feel the need to prove it in my personal life too.
That led to a long discussion about how while it's good to be strong willed and that while being strong willed is what's allowed me survive and prosper, I can't impose my will on others. Just because I want something to happen doesn't mean I can make it happen, especially if someone else is involved. I can take steps to help me get what I want but I can't make the other person want what I want.
I tried to make Harm want me on my schedule, when he couldn't bend I didn't meet him halfway. Then I tried to make my relationship with Mic into the one I wanted with Harm. The thing was I wanted to change Mic and he wanted to change me. I have to wonder when he was in love with an illusion just like I was in love with the idea of a family.
I'm sure I'll end up thinking about this some more later but right now I'm starved.
"Hey Gram's what have we got around here to eat?"
TBC.....
