Communicating on all Levels Part 9

**Disclaimer in part 1**

Thanks to everyone for all the wonderful feedback!

Sarah Rabb's Kitchen Sunday Night

"Hey Grams what have we got around here to eat?"

"Hey Mac, Grams isn't here right now. Myrna, the neighbor, came by and picked her up for a supper at the church. I was just about to fix something to eat. Want to help?"

"Sure, Flyboy what did you have in mind?"

Harm puts some water on to boil and starts cutting some chicken while I dice vegetables for a stir-fry. We work in a comfortable silence making a simple meal of stir fried chicken and corn on the cob. Sound strange when Harm suggested it until he mentioned that the corn was the first of the season.

It's not until after we start eating that I finally work up the nerve to ask Harm something I've been wondering about on and off for days.

"Harm, I don't want to fight anymore but I got to ask, why did you quit JAG and why don't you want to come back?"

His response? Silence. Total and complete Silence.

"Harm?"

"I'm going to answer the question Mac. I promise. I just need a minute or two to gather my thoughts, okay?"

"Take all the time you need Harm."

I continue eating my dinner. Normally I would continue to push Harm but for some reason I believe that he's just trying to gather his thoughts. I wonder what would have happened if assumed he needed time to think in Sydney. Oh well, I really need to accept that Sydney is water under the bridge, learn from it and move the hell on. We're finished with dinner and starting to clear the table before Harm speaks again.

"I quit because I'd finally realized that you're the most important thing in my life and I couldn't stand by and do nothing to help you. The admiral refused to let me take leave or send me to Paraguay in an official role so I felt like I had no other choice."

It takes every ounce of self control I have not to drop the dishes I have in my hand. I keep telling myself over and over to stay calm. That's the closest I've gotten to a declaration of love from the man since my engagement party. I'm terrified if I say or do the wrong thing Harm will shut down and we'll never get anywhere.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Honestly?"

"Yeah, honestly."

"Well, I didn't really have a chance before the plan crash. After the crash, I was afraid to because I knew that you knew I'd seen you kiss Webb. You've accused me of only expressing interest in you when I couldn't have you and I was afraid you'd assume that's what I was doing."

Ouch, that hurts. Well it only hurts because he's probably right. I would have assumed anything he said was just a knee jerk reaction to seeing me kiss Webb. I do tend to assume that Harm has an ulterior motive anytime he expresses any interest in me.

"I can accept that answer but why don't you want to come back to JAG. Are you really that upset with everyone there?"

"Tell you what Mac let's finish cleaning the kitchen and then we can sit in living room and I'll answer all your questions. Okay?"

"Okay." We finish clearing the table and loading the dishwasher. Once we have the dishwasher running, Harm steps into the garage and comes back with two bottles of Diet Coke. He offers me one and I accept. Diet Coke isn't my favorite but maybe having something to drink will help keep me calm. I really think the calmer I am the further I'm going to get with Harm. We go into the living room and sit on the couch facing each other.

"I guess it goes back to when I was arrested for Loren's murder. All that forced solitude left me without much to do besides take a look at my life and I didn't like what I saw."

"What do you mean Harm?"

"Please don't get mad about this okay? I saw someone who's so wrapped up in duty, loyalty and honor that he managed to make himself look guilty of a crime he didn't commit. I also saw someone who does a lot of assuming. I assumed Sergei was the father of the baby. I assumed he killed her and needed me to protect him. I assumed that you didn't want a real relationship with me. I'm beginning to realize that you do, or at least did."

Breathe, Mackenzie, breathe. Count to ten. There's nothing to be gained by jumping to conclusions and starting a fight. Okay counting to ten in English didn't work, let's try Russian; nul, odeen, dva, tree, chetireh, pyat, shest, sem, vosem, devyat, desyat. Okay, that helped.

"Mac, you okay?"

"Yeah just needed a minute. Sorry about that. You were saying."

"Not only do I do a lot of assuming but it's almost impossible to convince me that I'm wrong. I mean Sergei told me he wasn't the father and Loren did everything but come out right out and say 'hey your brother was just one of 3 guys I was screwing at that time what do you honestly think his chances are of being the daddy?' and still I was convinced he was the daddy and needed me to protect him."

"Harm, I think you're being awfully hard on yourself. I see someone who'll do anything for his family."

"Ah, that brings up something else. For someone who places a lot of emphasis on family I sure don't have one, do I?"

"Harm, of course you do! Maybe not in the traditional sense but what about Bud, Harriet, AJ, the admiral, and ME?"

"Ah but see I do mean in the traditional sense. I have my mom and Frank but we hardly ever see each other and actually that's probably for the best. There are so many unresolved issues between my mom and me that we need to be living in separate locations in order to really truly get along. There's Grams but she's getting up there in years and who knows how much longer she'll be around. Then there's Sergei, my half-brother. He was raised in another country, we were adults before we met, and there's the whole age difference. I mean come on, I was attending the Academy when he was born. All that makes it really difficult to build a relationship don't you think?"

"Okay, let's say I agree with you on all that. I'm not saying I do mind you. What in the hell does all this have to do with not coming back to JAG? What family you do have is there."

"I want a family Mac. I want a wife and kids, notice the use of plural there, please. I want a large, close family and I always thought I'd have it by now. When I was in the brig, I came to the conclusion that I wasn't where I wanted to be in my life and I wasn't who I wanted to be. I want to be more than Harm, the senior officer that everyone looks up to, the one who always places duty and finding the truth first. I'm tired of having to compromise my personal life. I'm tired of being the one everyone looks up to. I want what Bud and Harriet have. I want to make me a priority. The only way the things I want are going to happen is if I shake up my life a little. In my mind leaving JAG is part of that process. If I go back I'm just going to fall into the same old patterns again and things will continue like before. Well, that's not good enough anymore."

"I guess I can understand that. Do you have to leave the Navy too?"

"Well can you think of any other CO who's going to put up with me? At least in the Washington area? I want to shake up my life but I'm not sure I want to leave Washington."

"Actually I might know somebody. So you don't intend on shutting us completely out of your life?"

"It depends. I don't think I could shut you out of my life if I tried. It would be like amputating my arm or something. I'm not going to abandon my godson or Harriet. Sturgis and Bud, well it depends on how accepting they are of my new life. I would like to try and count them among my friends but not if I have to fill the same role I have been. It's going to have to be a two-way street with Bud and me. I'm not going to listen to him complain about his life all the time. Sturgis is going to have to accept that I'm not Mr. Fix-it. If he's got a problem, he needs to fix it himself. If they can accept that fine if not well then that's their loss. For the first time in my life, I'm going to do what's best for me."

"Sounds good. Also sounds like it's high time you did that. So what are your plans?"

"I have an appointment in Quantico a week from tomorrow. An old friend said there might be something for me with the FBI. I also did prefer investigation to litigation. I have to go through some testing and then they'll tell me what's available and then I'd probably have to go through some training. If that doesn't pan out, I'm not sure. I may move up here, start a little practice and restore airplane and/or cars to sell. I've also been told there may be something for me with the CIA."

"If you go talk to the CIA, I promise I will kick your ass from one end of this country to another. Do you understand me Flyboy?" I say in my best DI voice.

"Ma'am yes ma'am!" At that we both start giggling.

"Mac, I want us to be okay. You're my best friend and I'd like to at least keep you as that."

"At least?"

"Hell Mac, if you can understand and accept what I'm trying to do, I'd love for us to work on being more than friends."

"I understand what you're doing Harm. I think you're being way to hard on your self. I see a good man who's put others first more than he should and just needs to remember he's human not mighty mouse." Harm chuckles a little bit at that comment. "I also see someone who's finally beginning to let go and I'll do anything I can to help."

Harm leans forward just a little bit and softly brushes his lips against mine. It's the kind of kiss that I always imagined getting from Prince Charming when I was a little girl, soft and full of promise.

"Well, I see we're making some progress here." Harm and I jump apart. Guess Grams is back from her church supper.

TBC......