The characters belong to Top cow and TNT as do all their toys, accessories and appliances, including the Witchblade. Everything else is just hearsay and rumors.

WARNING: Contains male nudity. Not graphic, though. Whew! *Hmmm, where have I seen that before?*

***Denotes switch in point of view

Roguegal17 has graciously taken precious time to beta the first installment of this. Some of it isn't Beta'd though, as I've extended the chapter. Selina - I did write your body hiding incident, but it's in the next chapter, which I'm still working on. IrishRavenX - sorry for the bizarre review. I guess there is such a thing as too much caffeine. Thanks to everyone who commented. This is for those who demanded revenge on Ian. These scenes were the result of suggestions so it's not ALL my fault. ^_^ I'm simply interpreting. I hope it's not too weird.

poisson d'avril ch9

***************************** Danny's scheme was now set into place. Gabriel had delivered his spiel quite convincingly. He had also brought the laptop as a prop, just in case the mark still had video surveillance on the office. Strangely, Gabriel had only agreed to stay for the risky prank after being assured Jake had been given the rest of the day off and would not return.

Detective Woo was confused by Gabriel's aberrant and unprecedented aversion to the Rookie, but decided not to pry. Although he hadn't filled Gabriel in on his notion, Danny hoped the artifact dealer might be able to help with the bracelet if it started malfunctioning. It also wouldn't be bad to have another guy around to take the heat if the dangerous assassin caught on to his ruse.

Now it was up to Sara's bracelet to pull off the stunt. Unfortunately, the amulet was not in a cooperative mood. Sara was willing the capricious Blade to show her Nottingham's activities but nothing was happening.

She furtively glanced down at her wrist, only to see the thing still pouting. After an impatient Detective Woo cleared his throat, she glared down at the stubborn bracelet and gave it a good shake, eliciting a chuckle from Gabriel.

*** Ian listened nervously to the odd silence as he patched the video feed from the second camera into his wireless.

*** Sara transferred her glare from the Blade to Bowman. She was about to bitch him out for finding her plight amusing when Danny gasped; "Whoa, Pez," from behind her and Gabriel's eyes widened in surprise. Turning back to see what they found so shocking, Sara gasped herself. Instead of giving her a vision, the Blade had transferred images of Nottingham's activities directly to the laptop's screen.

*** Ian managed to bring the video on-line just in time to see Mr. Bowman and Detective Woo staring in shock at a laptop. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, the angle of the camera did not show what the two men found so disconcerting. Sara had turned towards the screen and seemed to find whatever the video was showing surprising as well. What could Irons have filmed that was so alarming? Ian's mind raced through every possible action of his that would cause such a reaction. Oh no. No, surely Irons would not have a camera THERE!

Mortified beyond belief, he was irrationally considering storming the precinct and snatching the loathed laptop when Detective Woo made an odd comment.

"You know, I use the same brand of toothpaste," he stated casually. "It's all natural and the tube is recyclable."

"Really?" Bowman piped up, apparently more interested in recyclable toothpaste tubes than what was on the screen.

They were watching him brush his teeth? ... Ian was confused.

*** While Danny and Gabriel discussed environmentally-kind grooming products, Sara watched as the scene shifted. Now she was watching Ian answer his cell phone. Irons was excitedly ordering him to come immediately to his office and Nottingham raced swiftly down corridors to the large open doors. Just as he reached the entrance, however, there was a resounding smack and the assassin was thrown several feet backwards onto his ass and into a roll.

The noise had caught both Danny and Gabriel's attention and they halted their conversation just in time to see Nottingham being flung backwards through the air. "Damn, that hadda hurt," Woo muttered sympathetically as Nottingham's somersaulting body rolled to a halt. Gabriel made a concurring grimace. The view was now from what Sara assumed to be Kenny's perspective.

"Oh, I am sorry, Ian," Kenneth stated earnestly to the dazed man sprawled in the hallway. "I wanted to show you the new security panel I had installed," he explained enthusiastically while the clear barricade slid away. "It's bulletproof, shatterproof and as you've proven, practically invisible to he naked eye."

*** As peels of laughter filled his earpiece, Ian groaned in dismay. Though he couldn't see the incident, he remembered Irons introducing his clear security panels all too well. It had been weeks before he managed to walk through open entrances without instinctively poking his hand out to feel for the immaculately cleaned glass.

He still believed his employer had done that on purpose. The rest of the staff had suffered as well. The butler, to this day, still walks through open doors backwards rather than risk having his tray smacked from his hand at every attempt to enter a room.

Why had the idea of Irons filming him for his own entertainment shocked him? Kenneth was such a bastard.

***

Sara wasn't sure which was funnier, the idea of the stealthy assassin running into a door or the expression on said man's face. The look of shock and restrained petulance was priceless. She was pretty sure Ian had not liked Kenny's little stunt.

Just as she was recovering from her laughing fit, the scene shifted again. Ian was now standing in front of a mirror, glaring back at himself menacingly. Sara was confused. Is he angry at himself? she wondered. Nottingham then bowed his head. Comprehension dawned on Sara as his expression changed to one she was quite familiar with.

Head held low, the assassin slowly peered up at himself with soulful eyes, a hurt expression creeping across his features until it looked as if he might begin to cry.

"He practices that look?" Sara shrieked. Danny and Gabriel exchanged baffled shrugs.

***

"Oh crap," Ian sighed. Apparently Irons had managed to capture his quality mirror time on film. This was not good.

***

Sara was about to go on a rant when the image switched to that of Nottingham eyeing his surroundings warily before pulling a bright yellow bag from his coat. Wondering what the stinker was up to this time, she watched as the view widened to show a Rottweiler sitting obediently at his feet. What came next sucked the indignation right out of her.

Ian knelt down to the dog's level and scratched its ears playfully. "Who's my sweet little buddy, who's my sweet little guy?" Nottingham babbled adoringly. The dog was obviously enjoying the attention, and wagging its little stump of a tail excitedly only served to spur Ian on. "Ooo, zat's my bouy, that's my little guy!" he gushed, play-wrestling with the dog.

Gabriel had wrapped his arms around himself and was shaking with mirth. It was very difficult matching this man to the threatening man he had met, especially since the assassin was grinning and nuzzling his face against the dog's head as the beast gave the man's beard a bath with his tongue. Danny simply giggled into his fist as Sara's eyebrows attempted to disappear into her hairline.

*** Ian let out a resigned groan and hung his head as he heard himself say through his earpiece; "Wuggums wanna snackie poo? It's BACON! baconbaconbacon! Oh yeah, you love those, don't cha' boy!", followed by the sound of plastic rustling, along with loud barks, crunching and slurping.

Perhaps Irons' little stunt with the invisible barrier had been in retaliation for him recklessly spoiling the dog, Ian speculated, unwilling to look at the reactions of the audience in the precinct.

***

"Shhh, sh," Ian warned gently. "Wuggums has to pwomise not to tell on daddy to angry white hair, Hmm?" Ian pleaded, lifting the dog's maw and pouting his own lips. Uncannily, the dog's expression looked as if he'd understood and the Rottweiler gave Ian a comforting paw on his shoulder. Ian bowed his head and let the canine coat his nose with dog saliva.

Sara couldn't help but be charmed by the exchange. After another wrestling match with the large dog, Ian ended up lying on his stomach and had propped his chin in a gloved hand as he ruffled the dog's fur with the other bare one. He seemed so... childlike, but not.

"Cool dog," Gabriel murmured, resisting the urge to give a brief lecture on significant canine references throughout history. Danny merely nodded his agreement. Sara said nothing as she gazed at the Rottweiler's sympathetic expression, before the screen changed views once more.

His parley with the dog had been touching, though she could imagine him wincing at his silliness being caught on film. Even if the man wasn't listening in, this was an interesting little enterprise.

Now Nottingham was standing in what appeared to be a kitchen, drinking milk. She imagined the Blade was about to show the dangerous assassin with milk mustache and snickered prematurely. Both Sara and her compatriots were a bit startled when Irons suddenly appeared behind Nottingham and gave him a poke in the side, but apparently not as startled as the man drinking milk.

Nottingham blurting; "Ghee!" with a reflexive grin on his face as milk spewed from his nose incited different reactions from the opposite genders watching. Danny and Gabriel howled with laughter and comments on the arc of the spray while Sara turned away in aversion.

"Oh that is gross," she muttered, as Danny commented on the assassin being ticklish.

"Oh c'mon, Pez you see dead people on a daily basis. A little nose spray is not that disgusting," Danny teased.

"She's such a girl," Gabriel added, earning him a playful thwak from the female detective.

As the scene on the laptop abruptly changed , however, the reactions were reversed.

The two men averted their gazes immediately with a harmonized; "Oh jeeze!" while Sara was treated to a full frontal of Nottingham in the shower, belting out the chorus of 'Greased lightning'.

"Oh c'mon guy's, a little male nudity is not that disgusting," Sara riposted with a wide grin, her eyes not leaving the screen. Nottingham was animatedly sudsing up while grooving along to his bawdy tune.

***

The familiar tune, along with the sound of water spraying should should have immediately clued Ian as to why Bowman and Woo had looked away in revulsion. When Sara's comment kicked his brian out of denial, he was aghast. Irons had cameras in his shower?!!! Was nothing sacred? His face had gone from sheet-white to beat-red as he tried not to listen to his ridiculously exuberant singing while Sara leered salaciously.

***

"Go greased lightning, burnin up a quarter mile. You are supreme. The chicks'll cream, for greased lightning," Nottingham crooned, finishing his performance by brandishing the bar of soap with a dramatic flourish. Much to the dismay of the Wielder and relief of the two men bitching about the length of this particular scene, the episode ended when Nottingham concluded his boisterous trilling.

The assassin was now in a study staring thoughtfully into space with pen in hand. The view zoomed in to show a stack of notes and bits of paper scattered about the table.

"Ebony hair drifting across porcelain skin, eyes of emerald fire. I am unable to begin-" Danny began to read.

"Nottingham writes poetry?" Gabriel interjected, making a face.

"It's not really too bad, I would change that third preposition though," Danny remarked.

*** They were reading his poems? His personal poems?!!! But those were private AND about Sara. Ian's lip quivered in dismay. Oh, Kenneth was evil!

He had to agree with Detective Woo, though, the third preposition of that piece did ruin the flow.

***

Sara was in the middle of reading a particularly racy sonnet when the Blade took her reading material away. Pouting, she watched as Ian was now lovingly caressing his Katana. "Good nite Katrina Katana," he whispered, sliding the blade into it's sheath.

"Katrina Katana?" Gabriel queried, squinting in disbelief.

The assassin continued to pull weapon after weapon from his person, placing them in their designated holder. Everyone from Gracie and Gregory Glock to Stephano stiletto, was tucked into their respective beds for the night.

Sara commented on Nottingham's odd practice of putting named weapons to bed while Danny wondered how he could hide that many weapons under his coat.

"I mean, look at that collection," Detective Woo stated, pointing to the screen. "Christ, you'd need a U-Haul to transport it."

"Good point," Gabriel nodded, still wondering why in the hell the assassin gave his weapons names that rhymed.

***

Ian simply dropped his head into his hand in defeat. He had been sure no one had known about that odd quirk of his. He would never be able to face the Wielder again without blushing fiercely. Between Sara seeing him babbling with the dog, putting his weapons to bed, practicing his kicked puppy look and reading his private poetry, he felt naked. Of course, it didn't help that she'd already seen him naked.

***