Gilderoy Lockhart's Guide to Love: Chapter Two
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So Laddy, what exactly did you do to this fair maiden to make her despise you so?
Well, I told her that she's hot. And she told me to go curl up someplace and die.
George really should have known better, of course. No one--no one--calls Hermione Granger hot. Because since that summer, not only had she been ranting about those infernal house-elves but also about what she called the dehumanization of women in a society primarily governed by the antediluvian precepts of male chauvinist pigs. She had even gotten Molly Weasley in on it. The whole time Hermione stayed at the Burrow, Mrs. Weasley refused to cook anything, encouraged by Hermione's feminist pabulum-puking. Weasley boys need food. Out of sheer desperation, they forced Percy (the most girly of the bunch) to do the job, under the condition that he be able to discuss cauldron bottoms without interruption. When Fred joked that the only bottom he wanted to discuss belonged to Angelina, the shit really hit the fan. Yes, George mused, I fancy a feminazi.
It wasn't that she was of any particular beauty (she was cute, he admitted, but she was no veela). Nor did he want her because of Ron's failed romance with her. George rarely got sucked into the vortex of Weasley boy rivalry. Truth be told, if he had any say in the matter, he would have fallen for someone other than a stuborn-headed swot. He knew well that she didn't hold any esteem for his...extracurricular activities. Mental, that one.
You told her you thought her attractive? Most intriguing...
What's wrong with saying that she's hot?
Women are of a peculiar breed. Try calling her ugly.
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She sat right where he was expecting her to sit, her body wrapped around a book larger than her head as though to protect it.
Er, Hermione, he said tentatively, I'm sorry for what I said earlier...What I really meant to say was, er, I don't think you're hot. I think you're really hideous. Disgusting. You make me want to vomit slugs every time I look at you.
Whoever said that girls couldn't throw had obviously never met Hermione Granger. The book she had been reading sped through the air like a shot-put and hit George's head with the force of one of Hannibal's elephants.
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Okay, so I took your advice, and that vixen is definitely not playing hard-to-get. Now I know how Harry Potter feels, with those immortal, psychosomatic, evil wizards out to kill him all the time. Okay, so Hermione really isn't as bad as Voldemort, but she does have a surprisingly strong arm--she'd make a fair beater, actually...But I digress. Now what should I do?
Hmmm...Tell me George, what is the state of your clothing? Perhaps a change of wardrobe is due.
What do you mean?
Women love purple. Yes, I recommend a purple velour suit, preferably with a cravat--women love cravats.
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Reluctantly, George had decided to dip into the Tri Wizard money to pay for his new studly ensemble. He examined himself in the dormitory mirror, smiling faintly. He thought he looked rather nice; it was certainly a far cry from his usual worn t-shirt and jeans. But what George, being George, didn't realize is that purple directly clashed with his vermillion hair and freckles, making him look a bit like an oompa-loompa. In a calculated movement, he gingerly placed his new hat on top of his head. It looked a bit like a purple fedora, with a long plummy plume sticking out of it to match.
Well Georgey Boy, he thought to himself, This is as good as it's going to get.
He was a realist--he knew well that with his stocky build and slightly wide nose, he wasn't exactly Hogwart's resident hottie. He lacked the animal magnetism of the other Weasley boys (Hell, even Percy had a girlfriend), and he didn't know what drew girls to his twin, yet Fred never failed to captivate a woman. George, however, was the quieter twin, blushing furiously and stammering whenever around a member of the opposite sex.
Sighing, his ears beginning to pinken, he crept down the staircase and down into the common room.
Er, George? Hermione asked, bemused, Why are you dressed like a pimp?
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Yay! Chapter 2!!! Whee! I'm kind of sleep deprived right now, which actually explains a LOT about this chapter! (1.5 hours of sleep + 5 cups of coffee = one very interesting plot-line)
Lots of lurve to everyone who reviewed! I was surprised to see so many people liked it! Yay! I welcome any feedback! I really love exclamation points!!! Yes, I love them almost as much as I love our friend, the semicolon; semicolons make me happy!!!
