Disclaimer: Characters owned by Nintendo. Lucky Bastards...
Field Day
By Li Kenta
Chapter 4
Li: Hey guys.
Saria: Hey, Li.
Link: So what do have planned for us today?
Li: Auditions.
Zelda: Auditions?
Li: Yeah, we need a replacment for Ganondorf.
Malon: Why?
Li: Because, it's just not funny without him.
Link: True.
Li: So let's get started. *snaps fingers*
(A huge studio appears in front of them.)
Malon: Your powers never cease to amaze me.
Li: *Full of himself* yell well, it's gift.
(The zelda cast walk into the auditions room and sit in their respective chairs.)
Li: Okay, let's get this started.
Link: How? This studio has only came into existence five minutes.
Li: Don't worry, people will come.
Link: No they won't.
Li: How much you wanna bet.
Link: Two-hundred rupees.
Li: Deal. *they shake hands*
All: Witness.
Audition #1 Jack Nicholson
Link: Dammit.
Li: Hehehe.
(Links hands over the money.)
Link: How did you know?
Li: 1 this my fic, 2 I am an author, 3 I can do anything!! *laughs like a maniac*
Link: *Under breath* No you can't.
(Li snaps his fingers, and a sandbag falls on him.)
Zelda: Link!
Li: Ha Ha! Your an idiot doubting my power...
*BANG*
(Li falls to the floor clunching his head, while Zelda stands over him, frying pan in hand.)
Malon: Li!!
Zelda: He deserves it.
Malon: No, he didn't!
Zelda: He did, and don't worry that heads made out of iron.
Malon: Well, uh...you don't know how right you are.
Zelda: *Looks at frying pan* Damn! His head left an imprint.
Nabooru: That gives a whole new meaning to the term 'Metal Head'.
Darunia: That sucked.
Nabooru: Sorry, it was my first time, aren't I allowed a freebie
Darunia: No, because it really sucked.
Li: Okay *rubs head* time to start these auditions.
Link: Yeah, let's.
(Jack Nicholson enters holding a script.)
Li: Okay Jack, let's hear a few lines.
(Jack says a few lines, though doing it well, but the cast is scetptical. Huddling together, they make a decision.)
Link: Sorry, your not what we're looking for.
Jack: Why?
Link: We have our reasons.
Jack: What are they?
Link: You want the truth?
Jack: Yes!
Li: Are ou sure!?
Jack: Yes!
Malon: Positive!?
Jack: YES!! I WANT THE TRUTH!!!
Rauru: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!!
All:...
Rauru: What?
Li: Sit down.
Rauru: But...
Link: Just sit down.
Rauru: I...
Nabooru: SIT YOUR FAT ASS DOWN!!!!
(Rauru immediatly sits his ass down.)
Zelda: It wasn't that bad, I mean the idea of saying right to Jack Nicholson's face is comical.
Link: Yeah, it kinda was.
Li: Moving on, Jack, your physique is not what we're looking for.
Jack How so?
Li: Your short, fat, old and balding. We need someone that's tall, muscular, young and has hair.
Jack: I'll leave now.
Audition #14 John Travolta
Li: How the Hell did you get in?
John: I have my methods.
Li: I seriously have to talk to security.
John: Now moving on.
(John recites a few lines.)
All:...
Link: Sorry but no.
John: Why?
Li: Because your homicidal psycopath that would kill us all if a miligram of sugar entered your systm!!
(John runs off crying like a little girl, a trait shared with Ganondorf.)
Zelda: There was no need to be that mean.
Li: His movie "Grease" was an insult to the music business.
Malon: Is music that important to you?
Li: I love music, for example the Zelda Theme song is one I like.
Link: Really?
Li: Yes it a good melody, plus it got my mind off the fact that Zelda sent you back whe it was clear she wanted you
to shove your tongue down her throat.
Link and Zelda:...
Impa: What? I actually have some lines, ahem, what makes you so sure he's a psycopath.
Li: The movies he's played bad guys in.
Impa: True.
Audition #27 Majora's Mask
Li: So you want to audition?
Majora's Mask: Yes.
Link: Why?
M.M.: To redeem myself.
Li: Yeah, you were beaten by a ten year-old. *snicker*
M.M.: A spiritually charged ten year-old.
Li: Dude, you do know he could've beaten you without the fierce diety mask.
M.M.: Well boosts my self-esteem.
Li: Okay tell you what you can skip the oral part of the audision.
M.M.: Really? Cool.
Link: But you have to impress us in the other part.
M.M.: Which is?
Li: Ladies...
(Out of nowhere thier is drum rolling and spot lights. After a few seconds the lights fall on Zelda, Malon, Nabooru and
Impa in shiny gowns sticking out their arms presenting a closed curtain.)
Li: Open the Curtain!
(Saria jumps down riding the rope which in turn opens the curtain, revealing the word "Survival".)
Ladies: Survival.
M.M.: *To Link* I'm screwed aren't I?
Link: Oh yeah.
Li: *evil grin* Let's get started.
Two hours of pain, torture, emotional damage later...
M.M.: *weakly* Is it over?
Li: Just one more thing. *begins cutting rope*
M.M.: Does it involve the huge boulder dangling 50 feet above.
Li:...No.
M.M.: At this point I will be reading out my will.*pulls out will* All my worldly possesions of great power and immense
evil will go to my life long friend H...
*CRASH*
(Without warning the boulder falls on the poor mask spreading it's body fragments to the wind.)
Li: Oops.
Link: All people that think Li shouldn't be in charge of the survival, say aye.
All: Aye!!
Li: Hmph! Backstabbers!
Audition #189 Sephiroth
Darunia: Before we get started, Li can you tell me where's the little boys room?
Li: Okay I'm only going to say this once so pay attention. When you get out of here take a right then left another left
then head down that hallway until you rwach a picture of the master sword, after that take a right, left, right, right
when you get to the water fountain take a left, right, left, left, left, right until you reach the film room there you
take a right and your there.
(Darunia blinks a few times and leaves, then in comes the last person Li would expect to see.)
Li: What the hell? Sephiroth?
Zelda: You know him?
Li: Unfortunatly.
Sephiroth: You again?
Li: Yup.
Sephiroth: I'm not getting the part am I.
Li: I dunno. Maybe.
Malon: Wait how do you two know each other?
Li: He wanted to be apart of my FF7 comedy fic.
Malon: You have another fic?
Li: Well, not yet, but I've finished the casting.
Sephiroth: Which I will not be a part of.
Link: You lucky son of a bitch.
Li: Alright, let's begin.
Meanwhile...
Darunia: left, right, left, left...?
(Looks around and yells.)
Darunia: HELLO!!! *his voice echo's and fades*
Back at the studio...
Sephiroth: These toys are too much for you, I order you to return them now!
Zelda:...
Li: Hate to admit it, but that was very good.
Saria: It was awesome.
Link: Now for the survival part of this audition.
Back to Darunia...
Darunia: Damn I have to go.
(Suddenly a door opens revealing a janitor.)
Darunia: You wouldn't happen know where the bathroom is?
Janitor: Sorry, I'm new here.
Darunia: Dammit.
Back to the auditions...
Link: Li the final word is yours.
Li: I don't know.
Zelda: What!? This guy's great!
Li: But he killed her...
Malon: Who?
Li: Aeris that's who!
Sephiroth: You mean the ancient. So she was pathetic anyway.
Li: Pathetic?! She sacrificed herself to try and save the world!
Sephiroth: What do you care? Your a Cloud and Tifa fan.
Li: That doesn't mean I hate the other characters!
Sephiroth: Your getting to emotional.
Li: *to homself* Must resist...urge to...pound the evil known as...Sephitoth, fifty...feet into the ground.
Link: Hmm, your good, welcome aboard.
(Sephiroth shakes Link's hand while shooting Malon a smile.)
Li: *supressing hellbent urge to kill Sephiroth* Must control rage.
Sephiroth: Hello your Malon right? Who you like to have dinner?
Malon: Sorry, I'm taken.
Sephiroth: I'm not giving you a choice in the matter. *grabs Malon's arm*
(Without warning the whole world turns black, Sephiroth looks around the Zelda cast, apparently gone.)
Sephiroth: What the...?
(Out of nowhere a gust of wind hits him from behind. Quickly turning around he found it's source, Li. The other charcters
behind him, sand bags in front of them and helmets on their heads, waving good-bye.)
Li: Now feel the wrath of the authors powers!!!
(The earth shakes, huge spikes pierce the surface surronding Li, and with one last menacing look at Sephiroth, he sent
forth a immense blast of magic at him.)
Sephiroth: Damn!
(Sephiroth vainly trys to turn tail and run but Li's magic is to fast, the blast sends him skyward.)
Li: Ha.
Malon: You didn't have to go that far.
Li: Trying to infest my fic was bad enough, but putting the moves on you was the last straw.
Malon: So all that was a ploy to protect me.
Li: Yup.
Malon: I think it's time to end this fic.
Li: Why?
Malon: It'll interfer with our date. *smiles and leans towrad Li*
Li: Right, but I can't help thinking we forgot something.
Back to Darunia...
Darunia: Need...toilet.
(Darunai makes a right turn and see's the most wonderful thing, the bathrooms.)
Darunia: Finally. *runs toward the mens room*
(When the Goron reaches the bathroom he finds the most horrible thing pasted tp the door, Out of Order.)
Darunia: No, it's not fair, IT'S NOT FAIR!!! *breaksdown and crys*
A/N: This has been a test of whether Zelda humor can be funny with out bashing Ganondorf and Ruto. Now, I'm REALLY sorry
if this chapter sucked. If by some freak of nature chance that you actually didn't hate this with every fiber of your being
please review. Alright and don't worry Ganondorf and Ruto will be back, permanently, oh yeah, the next chapter will have a
special guest.
Field Day
By Li Kenta
Chapter 4
Li: Hey guys.
Saria: Hey, Li.
Link: So what do have planned for us today?
Li: Auditions.
Zelda: Auditions?
Li: Yeah, we need a replacment for Ganondorf.
Malon: Why?
Li: Because, it's just not funny without him.
Link: True.
Li: So let's get started. *snaps fingers*
(A huge studio appears in front of them.)
Malon: Your powers never cease to amaze me.
Li: *Full of himself* yell well, it's gift.
(The zelda cast walk into the auditions room and sit in their respective chairs.)
Li: Okay, let's get this started.
Link: How? This studio has only came into existence five minutes.
Li: Don't worry, people will come.
Link: No they won't.
Li: How much you wanna bet.
Link: Two-hundred rupees.
Li: Deal. *they shake hands*
All: Witness.
Audition #1 Jack Nicholson
Link: Dammit.
Li: Hehehe.
(Links hands over the money.)
Link: How did you know?
Li: 1 this my fic, 2 I am an author, 3 I can do anything!! *laughs like a maniac*
Link: *Under breath* No you can't.
(Li snaps his fingers, and a sandbag falls on him.)
Zelda: Link!
Li: Ha Ha! Your an idiot doubting my power...
*BANG*
(Li falls to the floor clunching his head, while Zelda stands over him, frying pan in hand.)
Malon: Li!!
Zelda: He deserves it.
Malon: No, he didn't!
Zelda: He did, and don't worry that heads made out of iron.
Malon: Well, uh...you don't know how right you are.
Zelda: *Looks at frying pan* Damn! His head left an imprint.
Nabooru: That gives a whole new meaning to the term 'Metal Head'.
Darunia: That sucked.
Nabooru: Sorry, it was my first time, aren't I allowed a freebie
Darunia: No, because it really sucked.
Li: Okay *rubs head* time to start these auditions.
Link: Yeah, let's.
(Jack Nicholson enters holding a script.)
Li: Okay Jack, let's hear a few lines.
(Jack says a few lines, though doing it well, but the cast is scetptical. Huddling together, they make a decision.)
Link: Sorry, your not what we're looking for.
Jack: Why?
Link: We have our reasons.
Jack: What are they?
Link: You want the truth?
Jack: Yes!
Li: Are ou sure!?
Jack: Yes!
Malon: Positive!?
Jack: YES!! I WANT THE TRUTH!!!
Rauru: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!!
All:...
Rauru: What?
Li: Sit down.
Rauru: But...
Link: Just sit down.
Rauru: I...
Nabooru: SIT YOUR FAT ASS DOWN!!!!
(Rauru immediatly sits his ass down.)
Zelda: It wasn't that bad, I mean the idea of saying right to Jack Nicholson's face is comical.
Link: Yeah, it kinda was.
Li: Moving on, Jack, your physique is not what we're looking for.
Jack How so?
Li: Your short, fat, old and balding. We need someone that's tall, muscular, young and has hair.
Jack: I'll leave now.
Audition #14 John Travolta
Li: How the Hell did you get in?
John: I have my methods.
Li: I seriously have to talk to security.
John: Now moving on.
(John recites a few lines.)
All:...
Link: Sorry but no.
John: Why?
Li: Because your homicidal psycopath that would kill us all if a miligram of sugar entered your systm!!
(John runs off crying like a little girl, a trait shared with Ganondorf.)
Zelda: There was no need to be that mean.
Li: His movie "Grease" was an insult to the music business.
Malon: Is music that important to you?
Li: I love music, for example the Zelda Theme song is one I like.
Link: Really?
Li: Yes it a good melody, plus it got my mind off the fact that Zelda sent you back whe it was clear she wanted you
to shove your tongue down her throat.
Link and Zelda:...
Impa: What? I actually have some lines, ahem, what makes you so sure he's a psycopath.
Li: The movies he's played bad guys in.
Impa: True.
Audition #27 Majora's Mask
Li: So you want to audition?
Majora's Mask: Yes.
Link: Why?
M.M.: To redeem myself.
Li: Yeah, you were beaten by a ten year-old. *snicker*
M.M.: A spiritually charged ten year-old.
Li: Dude, you do know he could've beaten you without the fierce diety mask.
M.M.: Well boosts my self-esteem.
Li: Okay tell you what you can skip the oral part of the audision.
M.M.: Really? Cool.
Link: But you have to impress us in the other part.
M.M.: Which is?
Li: Ladies...
(Out of nowhere thier is drum rolling and spot lights. After a few seconds the lights fall on Zelda, Malon, Nabooru and
Impa in shiny gowns sticking out their arms presenting a closed curtain.)
Li: Open the Curtain!
(Saria jumps down riding the rope which in turn opens the curtain, revealing the word "Survival".)
Ladies: Survival.
M.M.: *To Link* I'm screwed aren't I?
Link: Oh yeah.
Li: *evil grin* Let's get started.
Two hours of pain, torture, emotional damage later...
M.M.: *weakly* Is it over?
Li: Just one more thing. *begins cutting rope*
M.M.: Does it involve the huge boulder dangling 50 feet above.
Li:...No.
M.M.: At this point I will be reading out my will.*pulls out will* All my worldly possesions of great power and immense
evil will go to my life long friend H...
*CRASH*
(Without warning the boulder falls on the poor mask spreading it's body fragments to the wind.)
Li: Oops.
Link: All people that think Li shouldn't be in charge of the survival, say aye.
All: Aye!!
Li: Hmph! Backstabbers!
Audition #189 Sephiroth
Darunia: Before we get started, Li can you tell me where's the little boys room?
Li: Okay I'm only going to say this once so pay attention. When you get out of here take a right then left another left
then head down that hallway until you rwach a picture of the master sword, after that take a right, left, right, right
when you get to the water fountain take a left, right, left, left, left, right until you reach the film room there you
take a right and your there.
(Darunia blinks a few times and leaves, then in comes the last person Li would expect to see.)
Li: What the hell? Sephiroth?
Zelda: You know him?
Li: Unfortunatly.
Sephiroth: You again?
Li: Yup.
Sephiroth: I'm not getting the part am I.
Li: I dunno. Maybe.
Malon: Wait how do you two know each other?
Li: He wanted to be apart of my FF7 comedy fic.
Malon: You have another fic?
Li: Well, not yet, but I've finished the casting.
Sephiroth: Which I will not be a part of.
Link: You lucky son of a bitch.
Li: Alright, let's begin.
Meanwhile...
Darunia: left, right, left, left...?
(Looks around and yells.)
Darunia: HELLO!!! *his voice echo's and fades*
Back at the studio...
Sephiroth: These toys are too much for you, I order you to return them now!
Zelda:...
Li: Hate to admit it, but that was very good.
Saria: It was awesome.
Link: Now for the survival part of this audition.
Back to Darunia...
Darunia: Damn I have to go.
(Suddenly a door opens revealing a janitor.)
Darunia: You wouldn't happen know where the bathroom is?
Janitor: Sorry, I'm new here.
Darunia: Dammit.
Back to the auditions...
Link: Li the final word is yours.
Li: I don't know.
Zelda: What!? This guy's great!
Li: But he killed her...
Malon: Who?
Li: Aeris that's who!
Sephiroth: You mean the ancient. So she was pathetic anyway.
Li: Pathetic?! She sacrificed herself to try and save the world!
Sephiroth: What do you care? Your a Cloud and Tifa fan.
Li: That doesn't mean I hate the other characters!
Sephiroth: Your getting to emotional.
Li: *to homself* Must resist...urge to...pound the evil known as...Sephitoth, fifty...feet into the ground.
Link: Hmm, your good, welcome aboard.
(Sephiroth shakes Link's hand while shooting Malon a smile.)
Li: *supressing hellbent urge to kill Sephiroth* Must control rage.
Sephiroth: Hello your Malon right? Who you like to have dinner?
Malon: Sorry, I'm taken.
Sephiroth: I'm not giving you a choice in the matter. *grabs Malon's arm*
(Without warning the whole world turns black, Sephiroth looks around the Zelda cast, apparently gone.)
Sephiroth: What the...?
(Out of nowhere a gust of wind hits him from behind. Quickly turning around he found it's source, Li. The other charcters
behind him, sand bags in front of them and helmets on their heads, waving good-bye.)
Li: Now feel the wrath of the authors powers!!!
(The earth shakes, huge spikes pierce the surface surronding Li, and with one last menacing look at Sephiroth, he sent
forth a immense blast of magic at him.)
Sephiroth: Damn!
(Sephiroth vainly trys to turn tail and run but Li's magic is to fast, the blast sends him skyward.)
Li: Ha.
Malon: You didn't have to go that far.
Li: Trying to infest my fic was bad enough, but putting the moves on you was the last straw.
Malon: So all that was a ploy to protect me.
Li: Yup.
Malon: I think it's time to end this fic.
Li: Why?
Malon: It'll interfer with our date. *smiles and leans towrad Li*
Li: Right, but I can't help thinking we forgot something.
Back to Darunia...
Darunia: Need...toilet.
(Darunai makes a right turn and see's the most wonderful thing, the bathrooms.)
Darunia: Finally. *runs toward the mens room*
(When the Goron reaches the bathroom he finds the most horrible thing pasted tp the door, Out of Order.)
Darunia: No, it's not fair, IT'S NOT FAIR!!! *breaksdown and crys*
A/N: This has been a test of whether Zelda humor can be funny with out bashing Ganondorf and Ruto. Now, I'm REALLY sorry
if this chapter sucked. If by some freak of nature chance that you actually didn't hate this with every fiber of your being
please review. Alright and don't worry Ganondorf and Ruto will be back, permanently, oh yeah, the next chapter will have a
special guest.
