Disclaimer: I do not own ER or any of its characters. They are the property of NBC, Michael Crighton, etc.
Author's note: These next two chapters are leading up to the proposal, which seems to be going exactly as Carter planned- or is it? Thanks to everyone who's already reviewed, and please read and review these chapters, and let me know where you think the story could go from here. All comments/ suggestions are greatly appreciated!
I lay there silently in bed Saturday night, Carter's arm around me, trying to fall asleep. For the first time in a really long time, I felt completely safe and secure with someone. Telling Carter about my abortion was something I'd been worried about for a really long time, and now that I'd told him, it was like a big weight had been lifted off of me. I couldn't believe how easily he'd accepted it- I mean, Carter's a great guy and all, but he tends to…disapprove of stuff like that, and even if he doesn't stop liking, or loving you, it's like his disapproval is always there, in your relationship. I guess this is a good sign- either he really doesn't think it's that big of a deal, or he's "changing and growing" too.
And I really do want to have kids. I want to have kids with him. I'm still nervous about it- besides all the normal pre-mom fears, I worry about my kids having bi-polar disease, or that Carter and I might both pass on our "addictive personalities", so to speak. I'd hate for my kids to go through either of those things. But I also hated growing up with a mother who was never really there, and I know I won't do that to my kids, regardless of what happens. But if we do have kids, I know Carter and I will raise them really well. All I can do is hope that he knows that too.
* * *
Abby thinks I'm asleep, but I'm not. I can't stop thinking about what she told me earlier. She had an abortion. My girlfriend, the woman I love more than anything in the entire world, had an abortion. And strangely enough, it doesn't bother me as much as I would have thought it would. The only thing that really bothers me is that she didn't tell me until now. It's not like I'm some guy she just met- we were best friends for two years before we even began dating. I'm sure there were plenty of opportunities for her to tell me. I suppose it's not like I really have a whole lot of room to talk about missing opportunities, since I'm the one who had a huge crush on Abby for two years before I finally got the courage to kiss her. I'll never forget her saying "Tell me we're gonna be okay," as her warm brown eyes pleaded with me to say yes. I just knew that in that moment, if I didn't go for it, nothing would ever happen between us, and I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if that had happened.
Maybe that's what Abby was thinking when she told me tonight. I'm sure she realized at some point in time that she'd have to tell me eventually, and maybe it just hit her tonight that if she didn't tell me now, she'd never be able to, and then our relationship would never go any further. Actually, I kind of hope that's what she was thinking, because that would mean she still thinks we could have a future together. I'm still nervous about it, as well as about the idea of us having kids, but I know that together we would make really good parents. All I can do is hope that she knows that too.
* * *
"Mmm," I muttered, trying somewhat unsuccessfully to open my eyes. "Morning, Carter."
"Already?" he groaned as he rolled over.
"Yeah, this is our last day here, then it's back to work at County," I replied.
"Noooo!" he said, pulling me on top of him. "I'm not letting you leave. We're just gonna stay here for good."
"I wish," I answered, then added, "Hey, thanks for not freaking out on me last night. I know I kinda sprung that on you, and I know I should have told you sooner…"
"Sssh," he whispered, putting his finger on my lips. "It's okay, I understand."
"And you're okay with it?" I asked.
"Of course," he responded quickly. But I knew he meant it.
"Carter-," he looked up, "I really did mean what I said."
"About what?"
"I wouldn't have one if I was pregnant with your kid."
* * *
I smiled at Abby, then pulled her up out of bed.
"C'mon, let's go eat. I'm starving," I said.
"What, do you have some big plans for us today?" she asked.
"Maybe," I responded mysteriously. As I walked out to the kitchen I smiled to myself. Yeah, I'm pretty sure she still thinks we have a future together. Which is a very good thing, because I know we do. Hopefully, we'll both be sure of it by tonight- as long as I play my cards right. This is my one last chance to make sure my future- our future- is exactly the way I have it planned.
