WNN, Wizard's News Network
By: Hurmynee
Disclaimer: This is stupid. I don't even look like her, why would you think I was her?
Episode Two: War on Voldie Starring Remus Lupin
(Get it; Wolf Blitzer, Remus Lupin . I can't believe I'm writing this; I'm just in a really drunken mood, if that's the word...)
Remus: Good afternoon, and welcome to my has-been show War on Voldie. That's right, for the last 15 years, we have been at war with Voldie and the Death Eaters. Because we are a news channel, and not the police, we can interview these people without getting them arrested. So, today we are going to interview Voldemort at his dark lair in Bristol. We also have three political leaders with us. We have Susan Bones of Paris, who works for the ministry of magic, and lost her parents to Voldemort himself. We also have new headmaster Seamus Finnigan, who is currently at Hogwarts interviewing a new potions teacher, since Snape was recently reappointed. And last but not least we have Peter Pettigrew, who just recently left the Dream Team Dream Eaters Country Do-Si-Do with Teletubbies club so he could lose weight and become a potions teacher slash new ministry of magic member. He is currently on the train to Hogwarts to get interviewed. So, let's begin with the other three's first impressions of Voldemort...Susan Bones?
Susan: My first impression? What do you think it was? THE FRICKER KILLED MY BLOODY PARENTS!
*There is loud moans coming from Voldie's screen. The screen is covered in pink hearts on steel blue wallpaper. Voldie suddenly appears on screen in a white robe. He clicks a switch and everything goes rusted black*
Voldie: Of course they're bloody; I killed them. Sorry about being off- cue, I'm, um, taking yoga. It helps my, um, evilness.
*Filch walks out the door behind Voldie wearing some spotted undies. Walks back in a second later with the paper*
Remus: God, what did I do to deserve this? So, Seamus, what was your first impression of Voldie?
Seamus: Well, I didn't have one, and then I saw his evil lair and Filch in spotted undies, and now I think he is really co-I mean, disgusting beyond belief.
Remus: Am I the only sane man in the wizarding world? Peter, what was your first opinion of Mister Riddle?
Peter: I though he was ho-I mean se-I mean evil. But after awhile he becomes a nice guy, ya know what I mean?
Remus: I think we have a good idea...So, Voldie, what makes you so damn...
Voldie: Evil? Well, it was being around evil mostly. You know, those orphanages are pretty evil...
Remus: I was thinking more along the lines of something else, but evil will work...
Voldie: *was ignoring him while trying on an array of pink hats* But my parents were dark wizards, and their parents were dark wizards, and it just continues like that until you have Salazar Slytherin. So, I was pretty much destined for it, even if my parents were killed by my Aunt Sazala, who actually resembles Salazar...Anyway, even if I was raised in a darn muggle orphanage, evil was in my blood.
Remus: Let's move on to viewers questions. First, we have a person who is going under his username Luc_Dark_Lrd, who doesn't say where he's from, who says for Voldie-
*Remus's tone suddenly goes from positive to disappointed*
Remus: "Mortie honey why haven't you called?"
Voldie: Luci baby! I'm so sorry, but I've been comforting poor Filch! See, Neville decided they should see other people, like people their own age, and-
Seamus: Wait...Neville? MY NEVILLE?
Susan: What do you mean your Neville? I'm the one dating him!
*Something dawns on her*
Susan: Oh that's just wrong. Excuse me while I call someone!
*She walks out of view*
Remus: Let's move on to the next question. This is from Ron of the Barrow and a writer for the Daily Prophet, who asks Peter-
*Susan interrupts with her yelling*
Susan: YOU! SEAMUS? FILCH! I SHOULD KILL YOU! BUT I SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED! I MEAN, WHY ELSE COULDN'T YOU SIT FOR A WEEK!
*Susan continues on*
Remus: Well, he did have a normal question, but we have run out of time. I want to end today with a very important note...
*Remus sighs*
Remus: I insist that God takes me from this crazy world with a simple bullet in my brain. Thank you and stay tuned for The McGonagall Factor.
By: Hurmynee
Disclaimer: This is stupid. I don't even look like her, why would you think I was her?
Episode Two: War on Voldie Starring Remus Lupin
(Get it; Wolf Blitzer, Remus Lupin . I can't believe I'm writing this; I'm just in a really drunken mood, if that's the word...)
Remus: Good afternoon, and welcome to my has-been show War on Voldie. That's right, for the last 15 years, we have been at war with Voldie and the Death Eaters. Because we are a news channel, and not the police, we can interview these people without getting them arrested. So, today we are going to interview Voldemort at his dark lair in Bristol. We also have three political leaders with us. We have Susan Bones of Paris, who works for the ministry of magic, and lost her parents to Voldemort himself. We also have new headmaster Seamus Finnigan, who is currently at Hogwarts interviewing a new potions teacher, since Snape was recently reappointed. And last but not least we have Peter Pettigrew, who just recently left the Dream Team Dream Eaters Country Do-Si-Do with Teletubbies club so he could lose weight and become a potions teacher slash new ministry of magic member. He is currently on the train to Hogwarts to get interviewed. So, let's begin with the other three's first impressions of Voldemort...Susan Bones?
Susan: My first impression? What do you think it was? THE FRICKER KILLED MY BLOODY PARENTS!
*There is loud moans coming from Voldie's screen. The screen is covered in pink hearts on steel blue wallpaper. Voldie suddenly appears on screen in a white robe. He clicks a switch and everything goes rusted black*
Voldie: Of course they're bloody; I killed them. Sorry about being off- cue, I'm, um, taking yoga. It helps my, um, evilness.
*Filch walks out the door behind Voldie wearing some spotted undies. Walks back in a second later with the paper*
Remus: God, what did I do to deserve this? So, Seamus, what was your first impression of Voldie?
Seamus: Well, I didn't have one, and then I saw his evil lair and Filch in spotted undies, and now I think he is really co-I mean, disgusting beyond belief.
Remus: Am I the only sane man in the wizarding world? Peter, what was your first opinion of Mister Riddle?
Peter: I though he was ho-I mean se-I mean evil. But after awhile he becomes a nice guy, ya know what I mean?
Remus: I think we have a good idea...So, Voldie, what makes you so damn...
Voldie: Evil? Well, it was being around evil mostly. You know, those orphanages are pretty evil...
Remus: I was thinking more along the lines of something else, but evil will work...
Voldie: *was ignoring him while trying on an array of pink hats* But my parents were dark wizards, and their parents were dark wizards, and it just continues like that until you have Salazar Slytherin. So, I was pretty much destined for it, even if my parents were killed by my Aunt Sazala, who actually resembles Salazar...Anyway, even if I was raised in a darn muggle orphanage, evil was in my blood.
Remus: Let's move on to viewers questions. First, we have a person who is going under his username Luc_Dark_Lrd, who doesn't say where he's from, who says for Voldie-
*Remus's tone suddenly goes from positive to disappointed*
Remus: "Mortie honey why haven't you called?"
Voldie: Luci baby! I'm so sorry, but I've been comforting poor Filch! See, Neville decided they should see other people, like people their own age, and-
Seamus: Wait...Neville? MY NEVILLE?
Susan: What do you mean your Neville? I'm the one dating him!
*Something dawns on her*
Susan: Oh that's just wrong. Excuse me while I call someone!
*She walks out of view*
Remus: Let's move on to the next question. This is from Ron of the Barrow and a writer for the Daily Prophet, who asks Peter-
*Susan interrupts with her yelling*
Susan: YOU! SEAMUS? FILCH! I SHOULD KILL YOU! BUT I SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED! I MEAN, WHY ELSE COULDN'T YOU SIT FOR A WEEK!
*Susan continues on*
Remus: Well, he did have a normal question, but we have run out of time. I want to end today with a very important note...
*Remus sighs*
Remus: I insist that God takes me from this crazy world with a simple bullet in my brain. Thank you and stay tuned for The McGonagall Factor.
