Author: Dragonsbane

Rated: R – angst, suicide

Summary: The first of a trilogy of ficlets, H/D slash, two of them are 1st person view point. 1st one is a suicide note.

Next instalment is called 'Burning Ice' and will be uploaded in 1 week unless I don't get enough reviews

Thanks: Dedicated to Dracavia, glad I could help with the Writers Block honey.

Emerald Gaze

Calming flows through me as the darkness takes me. This is the one time you will ever find me like this. Vulnerable. The vodka does a lot to calm ones nerves and dull the pain. I tried this a few weeks ago but the pain was too much and I couldn't go through with it.

So here I am, lying in a pool of my own blood content that I will never again see the light of day. Never will I see anything again. The darkness will claim me, hold me down until I cannot breathe anymore and I will leave this world dead, gone, no more.

I am not a believer in the afterlife and god. If there was a god, surely the world should be less fucked up than it is? Surely god, having seen one of his so-called children is in so much pain should send someone, a guardian angel to save me?

So, looking around, no angel is near, no white light encompasses me calming me, my life does not flash before my eyes. The paper I am writing on, is, steadily becoming red, however, I have now enchanted the quill to write what I tell it.

This is it, the words of a dying man.

These are the last words I, Draco Malfoy shall utter in my time.

So, as I have now explained my situation I shall explain the pain in my heart and the reason for this so extreme an action, especially for someone who is an atheist

I was always set in my ways, even when the Great War started properly and I was given my dark mark I was sure it was the right thing to do. I didn't believe in destiny or in silly prophecies even when late one night Dumbledore himself came to me, telling me I had been involved in a prediction, including me, Voldemort and the boy who lived.

"The Lion and the one who lost faith will face each other in battle, one Dark, one light, one rich, one of the poor. Should the Lion befriend the one who lost faith eternity will not ever be long enough for the snake to claim his throne. If the lion fights with the one who lost faith, all will eventually be lost."

That was the prophecy you see. I didn't believe it and Dumbledore despaired as he realised all too late that I was indeed the one who had lost faith.

I am after all the Dragon of Bad Faith aren't I?

The years went by, casualties on both sides, my mother and Ginny Weasley included as well as Severus Snape and that oaf Rubeus Hagrid. I'm not the sort to dwell and so as each person fell I saw it as method to a plan.

Voldemorts great cleansing.

That's what it was known as among the Death Eaters. I had grown quite considerably by the time the final battle arrived and was strong and large like my father. I raped, I tortured, I killed countless people, only now can I pick out each and every one.

I miss the quiet.

It was one day, not so long before the end Voldemort was standing and he said to me.

"I have a special mission for you Draco. I want you to kill Harry, I don't care how you do it, just do it, every time I get near the boy something or someone gets in the way."

I nodded and went to kill the boy who lived, and wondered, that instead of feeling joyous I was apprehensive and far from looking forwards to it.

I entered the flat he shared with Ronald Weasley, I stunned him before he could say anything, (I only did what I was told, no more, no less, and I was liked for that) I barged past him and found Harry reading in the front room.

Alone

Defenceless

He looked up and I realised, no, he wasn't defenceless.

His eyes were a weapon in themselves. He knew why I was there, he knew death had found him and held a different name to he expected. Not Voldemort, Draco Malfoy.

He said nothing, did nothing, as he knew how well trained a dark wizard I was even by 21 and knew that before he could reach his wand, he would be dead. A look of resignation overcame him and he understood there was no way out…

Or so he thought.

I stood, I wanted to kill the bastard but I knew I couldn't. Wand poised he was two measly words away from death and I, Draco Malfoy, couldn't do it because of those damned eyes!

He furrowed his brow wondering why I hadn't killed him and he looked at me straight in the eye, even behind the mask I knew he knew who I was. I stepped back and muttered "I-I can't do it…" and I fled.

I cut my arm and robes and I told Voldemort that somehow word had leaked and I was attacked.

Voldemort decided that Lucius was to blame and made me execute him…

That was the day I started on the spiral I am now at the bottom of.

A few weeks later sitting in a coffee shop in West London I was shaking so bad I could barley hold my mug. Thoughts had been stirring in my mind about Harry. Not the "I wish I could kill him" thoughts of school but the "I wonder how he kisses" and making love were in there somewhere also.

It felt perverted and I knew my father would freak at me being even a tad gay. Knowing I had caused his death was a bigger blow. I sat sipping my coffee when someone sat across from me. I looked up

There he was

The source of my problems…

"Why didn't you kill me?"

I used the patented Death Eater response, denial "I-I don't know what you are talking about."

"Cut the bullshit Malfoy." He scrutinized me to see if I had been hurt at all recently "What did he do to you for failing to kill me?"

"He blamed Lucius…"

"But he was found mangled…"

"I KNOW!" A lot of the people in the coffee shop heard my outburst; I felt a bit embarrassed but could not let him continue with that sentence.

"I…I know, you REALLY don't need to tell me."

"You were there then? You saw it?"

By this time my nerves were seriously grated and I snapped

"Would have been pretty hard NOT to see it you know since I WAS the one who did it on Voldemorts instructions." At saying this, visions of the death I had been told to put my father through flashed across my vision and I dropped the mug I was holding.

Harry paid for my drink and the damage and took me to the flat he shared with Ron the previous few weeks ago, now Ron had moved in with Hermione and Harry lived alone.

He took me in and lay me on the bed in his room. I sensed compassion from the dark haired man and I was feeling rather needy. He asked me what was wrong and I closed my eyes and shook my head. He persisted.

"Look Draco, you don't have to talk but, we're as good as strangers, you may as well talk, I can see you want to."

My shield cracked and somehow Harry got through it.

I spilled big time, telling him how I see the people I have killed engrained in my vision, I see them and hear them when I sleep, my father haunts my waking moments, I fear the night. Voldemort senses some change in me and I felt like I was dying.

He held me and could sense something hadn't been shared as of yet.

He looked at me, with those damn eyes and said, "What are you not telling me?"

I floundered. I wanted to tell him he was on my thoughts; I wanted him to know it was those eyes of his that stopped me killing him… Again, a legacy of his mother saved his life.

I was world weary and I lay on the bed still and he merely rubbed my back until I fell asleep.

I awoke a few hours later to find he was asleep beside me. I looked on him; he was gorgeous in the dim light. He looked so peaceful, so calm. I knew he had seen a lot and he should have murdered me in my sleep. As a servant for Voldemort I should have murdered him in his sleep.

I didn't though, I watched him breathing, slowly, calmly.

He stirred slightly and opened his eyes, catching me with his emerald gaze.

"Hi…"

He sat up slowly. "I don't remember falling asleep…" He looked at me, emerald spheres shining, boring into the sheets of ice that were my eyes. He leant in tentatively, slowly, and he kissed me. I don't know really why he kissed me, all I know is, that he did.

"Am I dreaming?" I wondered aloud.

"No, Draco, you are not…"

He leant in again, we lay together… he kissed divinely, and I let him make love to me on that night.

That was the momentary halt in the spiral.

For a few weeks we saw each other, me under the pretence of collecting information in London, him, he didn't need an excuse, he was living alone anyway and he worked alongside the order.

Then, I went to Voldemort one day… He wanted to hurt Harry badly; he knew that killing someone Harry cared for would hurt him. He wanted me to kill someone Harry loved. Hermione would have been the obvious choice but she was too intelligent to fall for a silly plan. Now, Ronald Weasley was a different kettle of fish.

I felt torn.

On the one hand I had deep feelings forming for Harry, on the other, I'm a coward and I didn't want Voldemort after me. So, Weasley or me,

The Weasel every time.

I arrived at his and Hermione's home, and curses upon the earth

Harry was there.

I pointed and I used a stunning spell on Hermione. Harry used a stunning spell, which I dodged. I then saw Harry would kill himself for Ron if I used Avada kedavra so, I used another spell, not as effective, but with an 80% killing rate.

Unfortunately the 20% was enough for the bastard.

Ron was injured, shouted in pain as I cussed under my breath, Harry was about to attempt another stunning spell and so I apparated.

I went to Voldemort and he knew something akin to betrayal was going on. He asked me why I used not the killing curse but the lesser spell. I had no answer to give him. He asked what I thought I was doing. Again I had no answer for him.

I paid dearly for the lapse

Blasze Zabini, a good friend of mine… he… I was told to kill him using only the crutacious curse. I did it, killed perhaps one of the only friends of mine in the world in one of the most painful ways imaginable. I went to my Manor, Malfoy Manor being mine now since my father had died.

Harry was present.

The pain in his eyes was evident.

"Why?"

I looked at him; no real excuse and I said simply "I was told to."

"By that bastard? Why? Leave his side Draco! Join the order!"

I looked at him, him and his stupid Gryffindor bravery. "It's not as simple as that Harry."

"Why not?"

"Because you need to have a backbone to do that! I'm a coward, complete coward, why do you think I was put in not Gryffindor but Slytherin. I don't have the balls to do such a thing!"

He moved closer to me and looked at me in the eye, his gaze worse than any imperio curse. He held me and he kissed me once. "Draco, leave him and join us, or, leave me and stay with him, your choice."

I felt as though I had had the heart torn from me. I couldn't breathe, it hurt to do so, I knew he was well beyond my reach. Tears fell from my eyes and he looked at me, the bright light in those orbs was dull now.

"You're choosing the easy way aren't you?"

I looked at him "Its not the easy way Harry. I cant… even after everything that's happened. My father lived for the cause, I got him killed, and the very least I can see it through."

He kissed me one last time, a kiss of goodbye.

"I love you Draco you know, I do. But I can't take you back if he is destroyed before you come to our side. You… you know that don't you? This is indeed goodbye if he dies before you change your mind. This shows he is more important to you."

I nodded. "I love you, please try to understand I do this only for my father."

We separated and he left the Manor without so much as a backwards glance.

Two months later I stood at Voldemorts right hand.

Dumbledore stood with Harry; I looked across at the armies of light, the elves, the centaurs and the humans against the armies of darkness. Dementors, giants, humans and vampires. I was in charge of the vampires.

Voldemort gave the order to charge, we fought, I charged through several elves and one or two Centaurs. Then I turned and Harry was being pinned to the ground by a spell of Voldemorts. He was cackling and I felt my heart stop.

I raised my wand at him and intoned a silent spell that would knock Voldemort off balance. It did and in his fall Harry pointed his wand and killed Voldemort with the killing curse.

There in the heat of battle I had shown my true colours and no one had seen. Harry assumed he had fallen of his own accord and I left the scene.

I sat a few weeks ago and I realised I had no one to live for.

Harry wouldn't believe me if I told him that I knocked Voldemort off balance.

I can see the face of every person I have killed and maimed and tortured. I hear their voices and their pleads for a quick death.

I see my fathers face, the horror on it when I told him what I had to do and the acceptance of his fate when I did.

I see everything I ever did and I realised I shouldn't be here, I didn't deserve life. All I wanted to do was kill myself.

I tried, the knife went deep, but I couldn't get up the nerve to go deep enough for it to bleed and kill me.

So, vodka was the best solution. Thank Merlin for the muggle genius that created the stuff.

So, lying here, I can feel the life draining, I don't have long left, I feel it.

Darkness itches at the corners of my vision as I await my guardian angel that the holy books speak about. Someone should be along any minute.

If I wake up, I'll eat this piece of parchment.

So, goodbye to anyone that reads this.

I apologise for taking up your time.

~Draco~

Please R&R or I won't update coz I only update what is in demand.