Joey's Diary
Chapter 3: The Aftermath
DISCLAIMER: I do not own "Friends" or any of the characters. But if I did, oh, the fun I'd have!
THE PREMISE: What if Joey kept an online diary about his relationship with Rachel?
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thank you for the positive reviews! If people continue enjoying it, I'll probably keep it going and possibly move forward into S9. That does depend somewhat on the upcoming S9 finale – I expect an eventual R/R reunion but, as the world's most ardent J/R fan, I am pining and hoping for a little J/R time before the inevitable happens!
Also, I do try to capture Joey's voice accurately: limited vocabulary, imperfect grammar and all. The use of a limited vocabulary can lead to occasionally redundant wording. The song used in this piece is "Rest In Pieces" by Saliva (a gross name for a band, no? but a beautiful song that perfectly fits the subject matter – I encourage every J/R fan to give it a listen!).
I'm feeling kind of discouraged about continuing this, so if you're enjoying, PLEASE post a review and let me know…thanks.
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Look at me
My depth perception must be off again
Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did
It has not healed with time
It just shot down my spine
You look so beautiful tonight
Reminds me how you laid us down
And gently smiled
Before you destroyed my life
Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
I can't believe what a mess I've made of things. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I told her tonight.
Now everything is ruined. Why couldn't I have just kept my big mouth shut and crawled off into a gutter to die or something? That would be better than this hell I feel right now. Anything would be better than this.
It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I don't think I'm ever going to sleep again, and if I did, I probably wouldn't want to wake up. I don't want to think about how I'll face tomorrow.
I wish I could do that Superman thing where he flew around the Earth backwards so fast that he reversed time and bad things were undone, like they'd never happened. If I could have any superpower I'd want that one, because, dude – I'd give anything to be back in yesterday. Before everything was over forever between Rachel and me.
I went to her place earlier today, ready to tell her everything, but she was late for a meeting so we planned to meet for dinner.
Finally, there we were at the restaurant, sitting across from each other, her talking about the baby kicking and me unable to take my eyes off her. My God, she was beautiful tonight. Every time I see her, she's more beautiful than the last time. I just sat there, not saying much while she talked about stuff. I was taking her in, memorizing every detail of her in case this whole thing blew up in my face and she never wanted to see me again. I needed a picture of her to carry in my mind and live on for the rest of my life.
Not that I'll ever forget the way she looked tonight. Not if I live to be 110 and forget everything else, including my own name.
None of it happened like I'd planned. I had this speech in my head that I was going to say to her. I'm an actor, I can do speeches. I used the free time before meeting her at dinner to think it through and come up with the perfect words. I tried to stay cool about it. Having the speech ready gave me a little more confidence about dropping this bomb on her.
But when we were sitting at the table together, I couldn't think straight. I can't think straight when I'm around her anyway. Tonight was ten times worse than usual though, because she was either going to say yes and make me the happiest guy who ever lived, or reject me. I knew that finally telling how I feel about her would change things permanently. I was so scared - but not so scared that I didn't have some stupid hope that she'd say yes. I don't know why I had hope, except that I'm a bigger fool than anyone could have imagined.
My mind was a total blank and the waiter was interrupting us and I just blurted it out.
"I think I'm falling in love with you".
I couldn't explain how or why or when. She asked me when. I asked her if it mattered.
But hey, does it even matter how or why or when if the answer is still no?
She tried to play it off like I was joking. Maybe she was shocked or needed to stall for time to think of the right words, words to let me down easy. She did let me down easy. At least, she tried, but it's not really possible. There's nothing easy in this situation.
There was this moment, though, this amazing moment when I thought it was all going to happen. She looked at me with all this intensity in those beautiful eyes, and said in the soft voice that's my favorite sound in the world -
"Joey – Joey, I love you so much – "
And I swear to whoever, my heart stopped. A million thoughts flashed through my mind in that split second before the next word came out of her mouth, a million images of the two of us together and of happiness and of this crazy dream coming true.
"- but I – "
It was that word "but". In acting, tone is everything and her tone said it all. "But". My mind couldn't take it in - that she knows how I feel and she doesn't want me. She doesn't want me, she doesn't love me the way I love her, and it's over before it ever started. I had to get out of there. I don't know exactly what I said, something about her reaction being what I had expected and that I had to go. I got up to walk out.
And then she started to cry. I can't stand it when she cries, I can handle anything but that. When my sisters cry, I cry too. But when Rachel cries, it breaks me and I would do anything to make her happy again. Besides, she's pregnant and if anything happened to her or the baby, I'd kill myself. I had to swallow my misery even I choked to death on it and do whatever it took to make things ok for her again.
She asked me not to go, so I sat down. I didn't try to hide the fact that I was crying like an eight-year old girl. I was crying for her and for me and for everything that can never and will never happen now. I was crying because, somehow, offering her all the love I have to give had only hurt her and made her sad – two things I would never do, not for anything. I guess I was crying because I knew that, in a way, we were losing each other.
Then she wanted to hug me and I took her in my arms and we just held each other and cried. I never wanted to let her go. She fit so perfectly against me, like we were made to be together that way forever. I've held a lot of women in my time, but nothing can ever compare to the way I felt at that moment. Her arms around me, her head on my shoulder, something I've dreamed about and wanted so much – no one ever wanted anything as much as I wanted that. Well, it finally happened, for the first, last, and only time. At least now, I'll always know how it feels to hold her. I have that to remember as long as I live.
She told me she didn't want to lose me and I told her that could never happen. It can't, you know – if she or her baby ever need me I'll move heaven and earth to be there for her. There's nothing I wouldn't do for her. But the truth is, we did lose each other tonight because things can never be the same. What I said can never be erased. This is always going to be hanging between us. If she ends up with someone else – even Ross – I'll have to get away from the whole gang because I can't deal with it.
I'm selfish, huh? I want her to be happy, but I want her to be with me.
Look at me
My depth perception must be off again
You got much closer than I thought you did
I'm in your reach
You held me in your hands
Would you find it in your heart
To make this go away
And let me rest in pieces
Would you find it in your heart
To make it go away
And let me rest in pieces
