Joey's Diary

Chapter 4: Numb

DISCLAIMER: I do not own "Friends" or any of the characters. If I did, things would be going very, very differently on the show!

THE PREMISE: What if Joey kept an online diary about his relationship with Rachel?

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I now accept anonymous reviews (thanks, Medea!) so hopefully my feedback will pick up a little. I would really appreciate more reader feedback! I am still waiting on next week's S9 finale episode before I know exactly where to take this story. Also, I have another J/R story waiting to be posted after the finale. It's a different format – not diary style – more of a drama. But since it is set in S10, I'll have to wait for next Thursday to see if the spoilers I've read actually take place!

So, without further adieu, read, enjoy, and review! Thanks!

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It's been a few days. I'm feeling numb about the whole thing.

Most of the time I feel drained and tired and kind of like I have a hangover. Then suddenly it comes over me, how I put myself out there and she told me she doesn't feel the same way, and then it's like being hit by a train. Only the train hits me ten times a day and never quite manages to kill me.

I don't know how to get over this. It's not like I've been through this before. I'm pretty sure that I don't ever want to go through this again, either.

I don't know how much longer I can keep avoiding her. I know she wants to talk to me and make things better. That's how she is. She and I have never had anything come between us before this, things have always been great with us. We had the perfect relationship until I decided that I wanted more.

I think she just wants us to be normal again. But I don't know how to be with her anymore. It's awkward and embarrassing, not to mention painful - I didn't stop loving her just because she can't love me back.

None of this changes the fact that I can't be around her right now. But God, I miss her so much, more than I've ever missed anyone or anything in my entire life. It's like this constant ache gnawing away at me because I can't see her or talk to her. I was over at Chandler's yesterday, waiting for Monica to take a cake out of the oven and I saw her across from me in the window. She was just walking though the living room and it only lasted a second, but I almost lost it. I had to leave. I didn't even stick around for cake.

Can you imagine how hard it is to know that everything I want is across the street from me, and I can't go to her? A few hours ago she knocked on my door and called out to me, but I acted like I wasn't home. This situation is killing me inside.

Everyone keeps saying, "Joey, Joey, you've got to talk to her! How long can you avoid her?" Yeah, she and I really need to talk so we can remind each other that I am completely insanely in love with her but she doesn't want to be with me. That's a great conversation starter right there, I'm telling you.

The thing is, I'm not sure that I can be just friends with her now. I want so much more. I think I'm always going to want it. She's never going to want the same thing. So how do I find a way to be in her life again without driving myself crazy? I don't to lose her forever, but it still hurts too much and neither of us can pretend like it didn't happen.

Does heartbreak come with an expiration date?