Joey's Diary
CHAPTER 5: Missing You
DISCLAIMER: Despite my unhealthy obsession with "Friends", I do not own the show or any of the characters. But if I ever do, you'll be the first to know!
THE PREMISE: What if Joey kept an online diary about his relationship with Rachel?
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This will be the last chapter until after the Season 9 finale on Thursday. I am waiting for we J/R fans to get our defining moment – was he really over her or was he just pretending and trying to go on with his life? And does she really have feelings for him or is it just a physical attraction? Until I get some answers, I'm not sure where to take this. This current chapter is before the proposal in the hospital, not quite S9 time yet. I think at this point he wasn't over it but had decided to put on a brave face.
So please, read and review, and also let me know what you think was really going on with Joey during S9 when he seemed to be so "over" the whole thing. Thanks!
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Every time I think of you
I always catch my breath
And I'm still standing here,
And you're miles away
And I'm wondering why you left
And there's a storm that's raging
Through my frozen heart tonight
I hear your name in certain circles
And it always makes me smile
I spend my time thinking about you
And it's almost driving me wild
And there's a heart that's breaking
Down this long distance line tonight
I ain't missing you at all
Since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you
No matter what I might say
The only good thing about her being gone is that I can have beer in the fridge again. I'm on my third one now.
A couple of days ago we finally talked. She wouldn't give up until she got me to talk to her. It was terrible. I didn't know what to say to her. I couldn't even really look at her. In my wildest dreams I never thought there'd be a time when Rachel and I couldn't talk to each other. But there was no avoiding talking to her. I gave in.
The only way we got through it was, she told me this crazy thing about her boss trying to buy her baby. Of course I had to go over to her office and take care of it. It turns out she made the whole thing up to give us something to talk about, and it worked – for about 5 minutes.
So now everyone expects everything to go back to normal and for me to act like nothing happened. I don't exactly know how to do this. I don't even know why I should do it. I remember how Ross carried on when he lost Rachel - it's not like she was the only woman he'd ever loved. Me, I fall in love for the first time in my life, she rejects me, I lose her friendship, I lose her as a roommate, and one of my other best friends is uneasy with me because I'm in love with his ex - wife. But I'm supposed to be over it, like, yesterday.
I tried so hard. I sent her to live with Ross so that he can be there for the important stuff with the baby. I told Ross how I feel about her first. I only told Rachel because Ross said he was ok with it. And if Ross is the one she wants, I'll be the last guy to stand in the way of them being together. I know what it's like to live without the woman you love, to think about her day and night and to feel like there's no relief from the gut wrenching agony of knowing it can never happen. I would never put her through that. If Ross is what it takes to make her happy, I'll even babysit so they can go out after the baby is born. No one will know that I am dying inside when it happens.
You know, I'm not saying Ross doesn't love her. He probably still has feelings for her. She probably has feelings for him, too. But I don't think he sees what I see when I look at her. I mean, I'm going through this endless hell because I can't be with her. I never got a chance with her. He's had her and lost her over and over again. He was crazy to sleep with that copy girl and mess up his chance. Then she gave him another chance and he messed it up again. If I had her, I'd do anything and everything to make sure I never lost her. If she wants to be the center of someone's world, she could have it with me.
But I'm never going to get that chance.
So what do I do now? I guess I find a way to hold I all in. I have to learn to live with it. But it's so hard. When we're in the same room, I stare at her whenever she's not looking. It's embarrassing but I can't help it. I miss her so much, when we're together I just want to look at her. Sometimes she catches me doing it. She just smiles and tries to act like it's normal for a guy to stare longingly at his very pregnant former roommate. His amazingly breathtakingly beautiful former roommate that he can't look at without wanting to kiss. I'm pretty sure she knows what I'm feeling when she catches me looking at her. I think she feels bad about it and kinda sorry for me. I wish she didn't feel either of those things. It doesn't matter though. It doesn't make her love me. Nothing can.
They're all telling me to get back our there and start dating again. I don't know when I'll be doing that. I don't want to look at other women. The last thing I want is to go on a date. The only thought in my head would be "Why can't you be Rachel?"
As much as this hurts, I'm not sorry it happened. I didn't get it before, why people got married or had long relationships or whatever. Women were like ice cream – with so many different flavors, why pick just one? But since this thing with her, I get it. I understand why it's so great to enjoy talking to the same girl that you enjoy kissing.
I see why Chandler married his best friend.
I fooled myself for a while. I kept going over it all in my head, every minute we'd ever spent together, trying to find something to hold on to. There were times when she'd looked at me a certain way, or said something. I read too much into it all. I was trying to find proof somewhere that she might have feelings for me. I even convinced myself a little bit. But her answer was final. She's had time to think about it and change her mind, and she hasn't. She's not going to knock on my door and say "Joey, I was so wrong. I love you and I can't live without you another day." It's not going to happen.
I have to face the facts. I love her and she doesn't love me back. She never will. I can be her friend but nothing else. I have to let that be enough for me.
It's time for me to do what I do best – acting. I'll suck it up and act like it isn't killing me to see her with another guy when that time comes. When I can stomach it, I'll go back to falling on top of whatever woman is available. I'll tell myself that it's not really as empty as it feels. I'll be her buddy Joey who doesn't have deep feelings. And I'll act like she's just my friend Rachel.
They all say I'll find someone else. Who are they kidding? There is no one else. It took me this long to find it the first time. I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for a second time.
The truth is, I don't want a second time. I don't want to find someone else. I want what we had. What we could have had. I want her to wake up beside me. I want her to hold my hand when we're walking down the street. I want her to go to those crazy Sunday dinners with my sisters. I want her to be there when I come home from work. I want to ask her about her day so she can tell me a bunch of stuff about fashion that I can't understand. I want her girlie hair stuff and makeup all over my bathroom. I want her to nag me about eating light mayo while she eats mint chocolate-chip ice cream. I want to hold her when she gets scared during a movie. I want to give her Christmas presents that she takes back the next day. I want her to embarrass me at soap opera parties. I want all those little moments that people get to have when they're with the person they love, stuff that everyone takes for granted until they realize they'll never have it.
I don't even want this to stop hurting, because as long as it still hurts, it's like it's not really over. I don't want it to be over yet. I just want the one thing I can never have - her.
There's a message in the wire
And I'm sending you the signal tonight
You don't know how desperate I've become
And it looks like I'm losing this fight
In your world I have no meaning
Though I'm trying hard to understand
And it's my heart that's breaking
Down this long distance line tonight
I ain't missing you at all
Since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you
No matter what my friends say
And there's a message that I'm sending out
Like a telegraph to your soul
And if I can't bridge this distance
Stop this heartbreak overload
I ain't missing you at all
Since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you
No matter what my friends say
I ain't missing you
I ain't missing you
I can lie to myself
And there's a storm that's raging
Through my frozen heart tonight
