Joey's Diary
CHAPTER 6: Diamonds On A Ring Of Gold
DISCLAIMER: First, it must be said – Best! Cliffhanger! Ever!
Now on to the boring stuff – I do not own "Friends", nor do I own the song used in this chapter, which is "All I Want Is You" by U2 (I know, I know – blasphemy! U2 songs are sacred to The Lobsters!).
THE PREMISE: What if Joey kept an online diary about his relationship with Rachel?
AUTHOR'S NOTE: PLEASE READ THIS!!! Yes, I did see the finale last night (May 15 2003) and taped it. I've watched it several times, trying to deconstruct the whole thing and look for clues of where this is headed.
This might be the next to last chapter of this fic. I've posted the details of my dilemma in my bio because I'm not sure that the ff.net rules allow us to post poll questions for the readers in story entries. So - if you have an opinion about this story and how it should end, please go to my bio, read my three questions, and email me your response. If this is somehow against the rules, I'll correct it ASAP. Thanks!
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You say
You want
Diamonds on a ring of gold
You say
You want
Your story to remain untold
But all the promises we make
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you
This must have been craziest day of my life so far. I'm not exactly sure where to start.
I guess I'll get the big news out of the way first. Rachel had her baby. It was a girl, just like the doctor said it would be. I got to hold her for a minute. She's really pretty for, you know, a baby. She's so tiny. I think she looks like a tiny Rachel without hair. They named her Emma. Actually, I think Monica named her, but that's another story.
Rachel was in labor for a long, long time – nearly 24 hours. I hung out, mostly with Phoebe (and no, that was not the two of us having sex in the closet). I didn't want to leave until it was over, but it was hard to be so left out. Ross was with her the whole time, like he should have been. After all, he's the father. I'm just the guy with the inappropriate feelings.
So, she has the baby, they're both fine. Monica and Chandler decide to have a baby, and they're both fine. Phoebe meets a new guy, and she's fine. Ross is finally acting like everything is cool with him and me again. And I manage to hide my feelings, for the most part anyway. Then out of nowhere, this crazy thing happens and screws everything up again.
It started when I went into her room and no one was in there. It was the first time things didn't feel weird between us. At least, they felt normal until I noticed that she had been crying. Whenever she cries, I feel like I have to fix it or die trying, so I asked her what was wrong. She told me how scared she is about raising this baby on her own and how Ross is going to find someone and get married someday and start a new family. I couldn't exactly argue with that. I mean, it's Ross. He gets married a lot. So I halfway agreed with that part.
Then she said she had never thought that she and the baby would be alone and wasn't it dumb it was of her to think that. That got to me so bad, I couldn't stand it. She should never have to feel that way. Besides, it's not the truth. As long as I'm alive, she'll never be alone. It may not happen between the two of us the way I want it, but I'll take care of her if she needs it. I tried to tell her that without getting into all of my feelings and stirring it up again. She asked what she would do without me, and I told her the truth – that she never had to worry about that. Because lately I've realized that as painful as it is sometimes, I'd rather have her as a friend than not have her at all.
I guess that's when I made my mistake. I put my arms around her, something I thought would never happen again. It didn't matter that she'd just had someone else's baby, or that she was in a hospital bed and kind of a mess from crying. All that mattered at that moment was that she's the only woman I've ever loved. It felt so good that I didn't want to stop - like we were the only two people in the world.
I wanted it to last forever, but of course it didn't. She started crying and asked me to get her tissues that were under Ross' jacket.
So I move the jacket and this box falls out. I picked it up and realized it was jewelry. I opened it. I don't know why. I've always been curious like that. There it was - an engagement ring. It all became clear to me – Ross was going to propose to her. I would have been upset if I'd had time to think about it, but my first reaction was, "Her troubles are over, she won't have to be afraid of being alone anymore," even though it meant shutting the door on any possibility of us, forever. Her happiness comes first with me always.
I turned around to show her the ring, thinking she'd be all happy and relieved and stuff. But she misunderstood everything, probably because I was down on one knee holding a ring. I can see where it looked kind of bad. She saw the ring and kind of gasped and said "Oh my God". I thought she was saying, "Oh my God, Ross is going to propose to me!" but then she said, "Ok!"
Ok what? I thought. Then I got it – she just agreed to marry me.
She wanted to put the ring on, which didn't surprise me. She loves jewelry. I didn't know what to do. I was so confused. The woman I love just said she'd marry me. But - I didn't ask her! I was thinking fast, trying to find a way to say, "I didn't actually propose, but I still love you and I can see myself marrying you. Only not this way." I barely got a word out before Ross came in wanting to talk to her.
So there I am. She wants to talk to Ross alone and tell him what just happened. I want to talk to her and tell her it didn't happen. I knew Ross would never forgive me. Thankfully everyone else came in too and I put the ring back where I found it. Ross took them all to the nursery, which bought me a little time.
I needed time to think about it. I admit that I was flattered she said yes. It gave me a little hope that maybe, someday, she could see us together. And it's not like I haven't thought about how it would feel to be married to her. I have, over and over again, in so many different scenarios that I've lost count. But this was all wrong somehow. In the first place, this is not how I would propose to her, in a hospital room when she's just had a baby and is crying and some woman is breast - feeding her twins at the same time in the hall. And not with another guy's ring – give me a littl credit here!
In the second place, she didn't say yes because she loves me. She said yes because she knows that I love her. It's better than nothing, but it's not how I want it to be. If - and this is a big if -she ever changes her mind about us, I want it to be because she feels the same way about me that I feel about her. Not because she's lonely and scared and would say yes to anybody. I'd rather be just her friend than her backup guy.
Anyway, Ross did find out and I tried to explain it away. Turns out, he never planned to propose to her. He made this kind of half-hearted attempt to suggest dating again. Good plan, dude – you've had a baby with her, it's time that the two of you consider casual dating! He won't step up, he won't make his move, but he won't set her free, either. That's the whole problem.
The two of them have whatever it is that they have, and there's no room for me in it anywhere except to step aside and be friends with them both. They're not going to move on to other people. It's always going to be this back and forth thing between them. You'd think there would be some sort of statute of limitations on how long it is before someone else is allowed to fall in love with her, but obviously not. That's how Ross sees it, and I can't stab him in the back by pursuing something with her.
It all hit me when I saw the two of them with the baby. It was a private moment and I realized that I didn't belong there at all so I left the room. It was really lonely, knowing that it will in some way always be the three of them together, while I'm on the outside, looking in - wishing it could have been me. But that's the reality of the situation and I have to accept it.
There's just never going to be a right time for Rachel and me. I have to stop trying to find signs that her feelings have changed. It's not meant to be, no matter how much I want it. She's always going to see me as just her friend. That plus the history between them - it's impossible. I won't make any more attempts to go after her. I can't do that to Ross, not after seeing the look on his face when he thought I'd proposed. They still have too many feelings for each other. They have this baby and everyone believes they will end up together. I won't do anything to mess that up or jeopardize my friendship with Ross. I don't want to go down that road. I don't want to be that guy.
The thing is, I'm still in love with her. I go home every night to this empty apartment and catch myself waiting for her to walk in the door – then I remember that she's gone and not coming back. I play out this scene in my mind a hundred times a day where Ross is really over her and finds someone else, and she finally says, "You know, Joey, I've been thinking – why not us? I want to give it a try." But we all know it can't – won't – happen.
It's just a dream – a dream I can't seem to stop having even though it's more evident every day that it will never come true.
