A/N: Alright, I think this is going well. I hope this is going well. Anyway, thanks to everyone who reviewed and I'm glad to see that so many of you seem to enjoy it. As to a comment that was made in one of the reviews to Joey and Dawson being destined to be together; the way Kevin Williamson explained the whole idea of "soul mates" was that yes they're above friends and lovers but it means that they are connected, that they are understand each other. Jen and Jack were soul mates. They could never be more than that. They could never cross the boundary, not only because Jack was gay but because of how that would affect their friendship, their understanding for each other. Being lovers would've blinded them from each other, torn them apart as it did with Dawson and Joey. They never worked out because being anything more tore them apart, affected their friendship too much. Joey and Dawson are not destined to be together as anything but friends, soul mates. I hope that was clear and that I didn't give too much away...although I'm pretty sure everyone knows who Joey chooses...Anyway, on with the story...
Chapter 10
Another day passed swiftly in agony as they each took time to talk with each other separately, discussing how they felt about the situation. Joey Potter found herself walking through the night, alone and hungry. She hadn't eaten anything all day. As if fate was working its magic she found herself right outside the Ice House. She could see Pacey cleaning up inside, he had disappeared right after sunset to check up on the restaurant. She quietly waited by the door for him to notice her. Finally, as he walked towards the exit, ready to leave he did. "Hey," he greeted, managing to smile at her.
"Hey," she replied, "I was walking by and I realized I hadn't eaten." Pacey motioned for her to come in and they headed towards the kitchen.
"What would you like?" Pacey wondered holding up to pots, "Pasta or pasta?"
"Spaghetti," Joey laughed, hoisting herself onto the counter, "So, how've you been?"
"I guess since I've known longer it was easier to deal with," Pacey shrugged, "I mean, I found out the other night and Jen and I talked a lot about it the night before the wedding."
"I heard you," Joey sighed, "I didn't know what you were talking about but I knew it must've been bad."
"Yeah, well finding out that one of your closest friends is dying isn't that great," Pacey sighed, pouring water into the pot and setting it down to boil. Joey let out a sob, but took deep breaths to get control of her body.
"Funny thing is I hated Jen," Joey wrung her hands, "I mean, she asked me what colour lipstick I had on and I asked what colour her hair was. I mean, she breezed in here and all of a sudden Dawson was drooling at her feet. Now, it's ten years later and...God I realize that she was the first girl friend that I had. The first person outside of you and Dawson who wanted to be my friend and for so long I pushed her away."
"We do that sometimes," Pacey comforted her, "Sometimes we put up barriers and try to protect ourselves from people who are trying to love us and care for us."
"Jen was the only one who believed in us Pacey," Joey's breaths were uneven now, "I mean Dawson and Andie they didn't think we would make it, didn't think we belonged together...But Jen, she believed. She knew that we could make it, she understood that we weren't just trying to spite Dawson and Andie but that we were in love."
"She is pretty remarkable," Pacey mused, "She knew all along what we felt for each other and we never even knew." Joey looked down at her feet, her face distant with a sudden realization and she jumped off the counter.
"I...I need to go," she stuttered. Pacey looked at her, confused.
"You're not going anywhere," he intercepted her at the door to the kitchen, "I've just poured the spaghetti into the water and you are staying here until you eat it all." Joey managed to smile and returned to where she sat before, pushing whatever was on her mind to the back of her head as Pacey went on to make the sauce for her dinner.
Finally, he drained the water out of the pot and let it sit for a while as he finished cooking the sauce, taking a second to pour them both a glass of red wine. Joey watched him at his job as he tasted the sauce. "Mmm..." he groaned, "You've got to taste this." Joey slurped a bit of the sauce and groaned in satisfaction.
"Pacey, this is definitely your calling," she assured him.
"Really, you think so?" Pacey enquired.
"Definitely," Joey nodded, she thought a second, looking around the kitchen, "You've really done well for yourself Pace."
"Yeah," he nodded, also gazing around, "Just wondering what it is about this place that has me anchored down here."
"You really need an answer?" Joey asked.
"Well, you're off in New York and Dawson's fulfilling his dreams in LA," Pacey sighed, turning back to his cooking, "And here I am ten years later still stuck in Capeside."
"You're lucky Pace," Joey sighed, "I mean, I love New York but it's nothing like home. I miss being here, the creek and the stars..."
"The stars just aren't the same in the city," Pacey sighed, "Sometimes I wonder why I couldn't have had a restaurant in New York or LA."
"Because Pacey, Capeside has a tie on all of us," Joey tried to explain, "Eventually we all end up back here; we all miss it when we're away. You don't need to. You get to live your dream here, at home with your family and Jack. You're not trying to run away from this, we're running. You just, gave in, accepted everything that life has dealt out to you and you live here every day and have this extraordinary restaurant. Honestly Pacey, are you happy."
"Most of the time," Pacey admitted, "But there are those moment that I feel miserable, that I go around looking at life through this smudged window, never really seeing what I've got, and then there's you. You come back to Capeside and suddenly everything is clear and I remember everything I'm capable of feeling."
"I'm not always happy," Joey exhaled, "I love my job and my apartment but there's always something missing, there's always this hole in my life that never seems to be filled. I saw it when I walked in here Pacey, you live everyday without any regrets and you're happy. I can't go one day feeling like a whole person. I ran from here Pacey and I've been running ever since."
"Dawson and I made amends Joe," Pacey was standing directly in front of her now, "We forgave each other and we're friends again, but you've never stopped blaming yourself for the years that we weren't friends. It's not your fault Joe, it was ours. Mine and Dawson's fault that we stopped talking, not yours, it was never your fault." Pacey's voice was slightly rough. He hated seeing Joey like this, miserable. Joey slid off the counter and hugged Pacey tightly, burying her head in his shoulder. They remained there silent for a few seconds before Pacey pulled apart and began to serve Joey her meal.
Daylight surrounded Jen Lindley as she sat in her hospital room listening to Audrey try to pry what had happened during the hours that she had disappeared from the B and B. Andie sat cuddling Madison on the chair next to Jen's bed, listening amused but the two. Jen watched smiling at the three women. "Nothing happened Audrey," Joey insisted, "I walked around and stopped at the Ice House to see Pacey. We had dinner and that's it."
"Come on Joe," Jen joined, "I mean this is Pacey. There was no reference to your summer on True Love, no declarations of his love for you or pleading to pick him over Dawson once again?"
"We just talked, that's it," Joey remained firm.
"Well you had to have talked about something," Audrey pointed out, "Unless you were in the storage closet making out heavily the whole time."
"We talked about Capeside and Jen and that's it," Joey insisted.
"Then why can't you just tell us what he said?" Audrey whined examining the jewellery Grams had brought over. Dawson was going a message from Jen to Madison.
"Because it is strictly between me and Pacey," Joey replied applying some make-up to Jen.
"So, then it must have been some life-altering talk if you're not even telling me," Audrey complained, "I mean, I'm supposed to be your best friend."
"You're all my best friends but that doesn't mean I'm telling you all my inner most secrets," Joey sighed.
"We're all your best friends?" Andie spoke up shyly from her place.
"Of course," Joey nodded, "I mean, you've all been there for me when I needed you the most. Even you Andie, even though you were in Italy you still helped me through a lot." Andie smiled appreciatively.
"The wonder of e-mail," Jen laughed. Audrey had collapsed into a chair now and sat crossing her arms.
"If you ask me they were making out heavily in the storage closet," Audrey referred back to Joey and Pacey, "I mean they are both obviously still hung up on each other. I mean, Pacey it's more obvious but I know Joey."
"I'm standing right here!" Joey reminded the blonde.
"I know," Audrey retorted, "I mean seriously Joe, you can see it a mile away."
"You always could," Jen rejoined, "I mean even before I knew either of them I could still see it, right when I stepped out of the taxi and saw the three of you of the dock."
"Speaking of your angst ridden teen years," Audrey changed the subject, at last, "I caught an episode of The Creek the other night waiting for Todd to come up. Might I just say perfect casting on the account of Petey?"
"Yeah, but what's with the girl they cast as me?" Jen wondered.
"At least you get to have sex," Joey stated, "I mean all I do is sulk around trying to decide between Colby and Petey. Petey and Colby."
"You never really could choose," Jen reminded her, Andie and Audrey nodded in agreement.
"It was never really a question of choosing between Colby and Petey," Joey admitted, "I mean, I've known all along who I wanted to be with, I was just a matter of running away from it. I've always just been too afraid to admit it so I ran. And I'm quite comfortable running."
"Well, you're going to stop," Jen demanded, "I'm going to make it my dying wish that you stop running and finally admit who you love. And I've got two witnesses who will hold you to that." Joey managed a small smile. Andie and Audrey remained silent. Audrey's cell suddenly began to ring and she jumped up waving to the other to as she answered it. Andie too stood up after a moment.
"I think I better change Madison," Andie grabbed the diaper bag off the floor, "And Jack should be around soon. He couldn't find a substitute for his class." Joey and Jen waved as Andie left the room.
"Okay, I kind of feel out of the loop on this," Jen whispered, "So, who is it you've always known you wanted to be with?"
"It's uh..." just as Joey was about to answer Dawson knocked and entered the room with a wheelchair for Jen.
"Ready to go?" Dawson asked.
"I'm going to get out of this bed," Jen nodded. Joey stared at Dawson, realization washed over her and she felt almost nauseous. Tears welled up in her eyes and as Dawson wheeled Jen out of the room Joey collapsed on the bed and began to cry again. Audrey re-entered the room and upon seeing Joey's condition wrapped her arms around her friend and let her cry.
It was the hardest this that Dawson had to listen to. Jen's message to her daughter was devastating and Dawson wished that this was all just a really bad dream and that he would wake up and Jen would not be dying. He felt awful about having focusing on the TV show for so long and not focusing on real life. Now, Jen was dying and time was once again the enemy. He flipped off the camera once Jen's final words were recorded and slowly put the equipment away. "Dawson," Jen muttered quietly, "I'm sorry."
"For what?" Dawson wondered, looking over to her. She didn't look sick now thanks to the make-up that Joey, Andie and Audrey had helped apply. She almost looked like she had before she had fainted.
"For making you have to listen," Jen replied, "I saw the look on your face. I'm sorry."
"It was beautiful," Dawson told her, "I just hate it that you're...you're..."
"Going to die," Jen stated for him and Dawson nodded. "I don't want to die," Jen assured Dawson, "I want to be here to see my daughter grow old and get married but I won't be and I hate that I won't. This is the way it has to be though. Nothing can change what's going to happen, I wish there was something but there isn't."
"I wish I had been there more," Dawson kneeled in front of Jen's wheelchair, "Had been able to see you when you were pregnant and spent time with you when Madison was born, but I wasn't."
"You were living your dream Dawson," Jen placed her hand on Dawson's cheek, "You were telling our story to the world, yours, mine, Pacey's and Joey's. Every Wednesday at 8 I can sit down and watch us make all the same mistakes over again, with a few twists of course. You did it Dawson and if you had been spending more time with me instead of writing The Creek I don't know if I would've been able to live with that." Jen leaned over kissed Dawson on the cheek and then wrapped her arms around her hugging him as he began to cry softly in her arms.
Pacey entered Jen's room that night fully equipped with the tape that he had "borrowed" from Dawson ten years ago right after he had finished filming it. The tape contained a movie of all four of them goofing off on the beach. It was something that he held close to his heart. Dawson still didn't know he had it either. "I borrowed this from Dawson. He still doesn't know I have it," Pacey told her.
"You mean you stole it," Jen corrected.
"No," Pacey shook his head, "I borrowed it, you don't steal from friends."
"So, when did you borrow this?" Jen put emphasis on the word borrow.
"In 1998, right after he filmed it," Pacey replied setting up the VCR, "So, let's watch this thing." He slid the tape in and pressed play and he and Jen watched their younger selves running around the creek together. An image of Pacey came on and they both laughed.
"You were so cocky," Jen mused. They watched on and finally the screen went blank.
"That's it," Pacey sighed.
"It was so long ago," Jen stared at the blank screen and then shifted her gaze over to Pacey. "I know a Joey trance when I see one. Do you feel the sparks?"
"You never could deny the sparks between the two of us," Pacey breathed reminiscing the early days on the creek with Joey and Dawson. Even then when they had barely noticed it there had been sparks. It had taken them years to finally stop being blinded by their "hate" for each other and feel the aforementioned sparks.
"So, are you planning on borrowing or stealing her from you best friend?" Jen asked.
"I just don't know anymore," Pacey admitted.
"I just want you three to stay friends," Jen let the tear slide down her cheeks, "No matter what you've got to stay friends." She continued to cry and Pacey placed her hand on her knee. "I hate this," she slammed her hands against the bed, "I'm so angry. I don't want to die, remind me to never do it again," Pacey laughed but Jen squeezed her eyes shut, "It's not funny. I don't want to leave Madison alone."
"You're not leaving her alone," Pacey consoled, "Saturday night has mine and Madison's name written all over it. I promise you Jen I will take care of your baby."
"Pacey, promise me you'll look out for Jack too," Jen whispered, "This is going to be so hard for him. Promise me that you'll look out for him."
"I promise you Jen," Pacey pulled her close and kissed the top of her head, "I will take care them, I promise." Jen nodded trying to catch her breath as she remained comfortably in Pacey's arms. Finally, when she was feeling better she sat back against her pillows. Pacey examined his friend closely. Her eyes shut for a moment resting and one on her hands lay on top of Pacey's.
Pacey leaned forward and whispered into Jen's ear, "So, any regrets?"
Jack had had a long day to say the least. It had been hard for him to leave the hospital to teach his class but none of the other teachers had been able to replace him and there were no substitutes on call for last minute. So, he had ripped himself away from Jen's bedside and attended class. For the first few hours he had been able to take his mind off of Jen and her conditions but it had eventually all flooded back.
At the moment he was back in the hospital alone with Jen and Madison. Jen held Madison in her arms and helped Jack grade some of his papers for school. She didn't look as bad, as sick, as she had that morning but Jack knew that looks could be deceiving. He reached over and took Madison's out reached hand smiling at the toddler. The baby was an angel and Jack loved her so much. "Hey, hey you," he cooed as Madison giggled.
"I'm telling you Jack this girl is a genius," Jen said dropped the paper onto her lap.
"Well I think she's capable of much better work," Jack sighed. Jen rolled her eye and Jack took Madison and sat her in her stroller.
"Thanks," Jen heaved laying back down against her pillows.
"Jen, I want her," Jack mentioned and Jen turned to look at him, "I'm her godfather and I want her."
"Are you sure?" Jen wondered, "I mean usually when people sign up for godparent duties they don't expect it to extend beyond a few night of babysitting."
"Jen, I've never been more sure of anything in my life," Jack took both her hands in his, "I mean, I don't know what you and Grams have discussed but I love her Jen and it's hard enough losing you."
"Grams and I have talked about this," Jen sighed, "And we'd think you'd make a wonderful father. Jack, I couldn't imagine anyone else raising my daughter than you. Just...just find her a place to fit. I mean, I never really felt like I fit before. I was just the girl who rocked the creek. I don't want her to be that girl and Jack I want her to know me."
"Don't worry," Jack assured her, "Madison is going to live every day knowing how beautiful her mother was and how much she lover her." Both were in tears now and Jack wrapped his arm around Jen and kissed her lightly as he hugged her. Sensing the tension and sadness in the room Madison also started crying and just as Grams entered Jack got up and took her out of the room but not before kissing Jen one last time. Grams then took a seat by the window and she and Jen got to talking.
It was late night and Jen knew what would be coming soon. She wanted to give into sleep but she had something else to do first. She reached beside her bed and pulled up the bag that Joey, Audrey and Andie had brought over and carefully through the bag looking for something. Finally, she dropped it to the floor and called for the nurse. A young brunette appeared at the door asking if everything was alright. "As good as I can be," Jen sighed, "I was just wondering if I could get a packet of paper, preferably loose-leaf, some envelopes and a pen." The nurse nodded and retreated.
After the nurse returned with Jen's requested items as well as a solid surface for which Jen could use to write Jen got to business. She knew she would die soon, probably before she got to see anyone again and she wanted to leave a few words to each of them. Jen picked up the pen and began to write.
Dear Jack,
I love you. I know how you must feel; actually I don't because no one I've really loved has died. But I'm not gone Jack, I'm right here. I've never left your side...
Jen continued to write Jack's letter and then moved on. When she was done she had a letter addressed to each of her friends: Jack, Dawson, Joey, Pacey, Audrey, Andie and even Grams. The pile of envelopes sat on her lap and Jen called for the nurse again. She handed the envelopes to her and requested the only be mailed after her burial had been done. It would be her way of comforting her friends from the beyond. The nurse didn't seem surprised or confused by her request but complied by sticking the envelopes into her purse; apparently she had just gotten off duty. Jen smiled appreciatively at the nurse as she left.
She was dying. The night she didn't sleep. Her whole body was aware of what was happening. These were her final moments. Grams was sleeping soundly and Jen watched her a while. Letting the silence wash over her and she breathed quietly. The sun was rising in the window behind Grams and it illuminated the room. Jen peacefully looked out and then turned her head, closed her eyes and breathed her last breath.
Grams opened her eyes slowly and looked towards Jennifer. From what she could tell she wasn't breathing. Not making a big commotion Grams quietly got up and approached her bed, hoping that it might not be true, that she hadn't outlived her only granddaughter. The love of her life, the strongest, most confident woman she knew. Putting her hand in Jen's and feeling her pulse Grams sighed sadly. The old woman leaned over and kissed the top of her blonde head. She was still warm, had just died. Grams then whispered, "I'll see you soon...child."
