Chapter #1
Excerpt From Artemis Fowl's Diary. Encrypted.
August 30th, 2003
Feeble-minded fools. They think penning me up in this small boarding school will set me straight. Ha, I laugh at them. No matter where I am, I will still be the same criminal mastermind I was before. Relocating me to England simply puts me at a slight disadvantage, since I am miles away from my mansion and all my "supplies".
After Holy mind-wiped me, I wasn't myself for a great while, but Butler's contact in Limerick set me straight. Still, as you can imagine, I was quite off for a great while, and during the duration that time, my father convinced me to go to boarding school. I obliged before I realized what hell I was getting myself into. Aside from that, I must see a councilor twice a week to "cure" me from my constant anti-social tendencies.
I am keeping a record of each session with my new shrink, Dr. Maynard. This is how the first session
Dr. Maynard: So, Artemis, we're here to discuss your anti-social tendencies. I suppose this stems from your not having companions your age back home. I mean, a Man-slave, formerly deranged mother, and criminal father hardly make the best playmates for a boy your age.
Artemis: humph! This is hardly so. I'm certain my anti-social tendencies stem from my peers' lack of standard intelligence. Might I say, your chair is lovely. It's a real Victorian.
Dr. Maynard: Why.Yes, it is! What a bright young boy you are, but your mind games shall not work on me.
Artemis: oh really, I suppose then your much too smart to care about my past experience in an orphanage.
Any self-respecting mediocre psychologist wouldn't pass up an opportunity to talk about a clients past experience in as an orphan.
Dr. Maynard: do go on!
Artemis: of course, it was all a mistake, because I am a Fowl by blood. Sadly, the day I was born, some lousy dull-witted nurse mixed me up with a different baby and sent me off to an orphanage. After three years my parents discovered the mistake by means I do not know. Nevertheless, by age 4 I was living in the Fowl manor.
Now, this was an elaborate lie, even for myself, but the shrink seemed to eat it up.
Dr. Maynard: you poor dear. Thinking you didn't have parents for those years. Why, someone's personality is dictated by experiences in the earliest of years. You must be
Artemis cut her off.
Artemis: yes, it's a real sob story. Now, you see, I'm sure you were about to point out that I'm suffering from manic depressive disorder and were about to give me a prescription of Lithuania.
Of course, Lithuania is really a country, but it is also a concoction I formulated while visiting a conman in Lithuania. The concoction is nothing more than sugar and water, but I managed to get the formula to a prescription drug-store. Naturally, I smuggled it in as a new form of Arthritis medicine. No one really knows what's in there anyway. Lucky for me, this young psychiatrist was not up to par on her medical knowledge. She was eager to take the bait.
Artemis: thank you very much for the medication. You're very stable, how was your childhood?
Dr. Maynard: well, I lived on a lovely countryside with ducks and a pond. It had picturesque flowers.
She went on and on. By this time, I was sitting in the real Victorian leather chair, and she was lounging on the patients couch.
Artemis: hmm, I see. Well those conflicts with that girl, Julia, have caused severe psychological damage. I'd like you to write, in a letter, why you hate Julia so, and bring it to me next time we meet.
Dr. Maynard: oh thank you Artemis.
I manipulated another young psychologist. When will they learn?
Excerpt From Artemis Fowl's Diary. Encrypted.
August 30th, 2003
Feeble-minded fools. They think penning me up in this small boarding school will set me straight. Ha, I laugh at them. No matter where I am, I will still be the same criminal mastermind I was before. Relocating me to England simply puts me at a slight disadvantage, since I am miles away from my mansion and all my "supplies".
After Holy mind-wiped me, I wasn't myself for a great while, but Butler's contact in Limerick set me straight. Still, as you can imagine, I was quite off for a great while, and during the duration that time, my father convinced me to go to boarding school. I obliged before I realized what hell I was getting myself into. Aside from that, I must see a councilor twice a week to "cure" me from my constant anti-social tendencies.
I am keeping a record of each session with my new shrink, Dr. Maynard. This is how the first session
Dr. Maynard: So, Artemis, we're here to discuss your anti-social tendencies. I suppose this stems from your not having companions your age back home. I mean, a Man-slave, formerly deranged mother, and criminal father hardly make the best playmates for a boy your age.
Artemis: humph! This is hardly so. I'm certain my anti-social tendencies stem from my peers' lack of standard intelligence. Might I say, your chair is lovely. It's a real Victorian.
Dr. Maynard: Why.Yes, it is! What a bright young boy you are, but your mind games shall not work on me.
Artemis: oh really, I suppose then your much too smart to care about my past experience in an orphanage.
Any self-respecting mediocre psychologist wouldn't pass up an opportunity to talk about a clients past experience in as an orphan.
Dr. Maynard: do go on!
Artemis: of course, it was all a mistake, because I am a Fowl by blood. Sadly, the day I was born, some lousy dull-witted nurse mixed me up with a different baby and sent me off to an orphanage. After three years my parents discovered the mistake by means I do not know. Nevertheless, by age 4 I was living in the Fowl manor.
Now, this was an elaborate lie, even for myself, but the shrink seemed to eat it up.
Dr. Maynard: you poor dear. Thinking you didn't have parents for those years. Why, someone's personality is dictated by experiences in the earliest of years. You must be
Artemis cut her off.
Artemis: yes, it's a real sob story. Now, you see, I'm sure you were about to point out that I'm suffering from manic depressive disorder and were about to give me a prescription of Lithuania.
Of course, Lithuania is really a country, but it is also a concoction I formulated while visiting a conman in Lithuania. The concoction is nothing more than sugar and water, but I managed to get the formula to a prescription drug-store. Naturally, I smuggled it in as a new form of Arthritis medicine. No one really knows what's in there anyway. Lucky for me, this young psychiatrist was not up to par on her medical knowledge. She was eager to take the bait.
Artemis: thank you very much for the medication. You're very stable, how was your childhood?
Dr. Maynard: well, I lived on a lovely countryside with ducks and a pond. It had picturesque flowers.
She went on and on. By this time, I was sitting in the real Victorian leather chair, and she was lounging on the patients couch.
Artemis: hmm, I see. Well those conflicts with that girl, Julia, have caused severe psychological damage. I'd like you to write, in a letter, why you hate Julia so, and bring it to me next time we meet.
Dr. Maynard: oh thank you Artemis.
I manipulated another young psychologist. When will they learn?
