The Reality I Make For Myself, chapter 3: Ayanami no Kaeru (Ayanami's return/Ayanami's frog)
At the Katsuragi apartment, things were getting loud fast. An argument had sprouted, as arguments do, over what was going to be done with Kaoru. Shinji wanted him to stay at their place. Asuka, in her Asuka way, objected vehemently on the grounds that it would mean she'd be sleeping in a house with TWO teenage perverts! Nevermind the fact that one of them is, by all accounts, gay. Kaoru listened politely, grinning his thin-lipped grin. Waiting for a moment where both combatants paused for breath, he jumped in quietly. "Don't you think it would be wise to ask the "guest" what he would like, since you two can't seem to come to an agreement?"
Asuka spun and glared daggers at him, ready to tear him an asshole. (To quote Bartleby from Dogma: "In order to be anal retentive, you must first possess an anus." Thus, no asshole yet for Kaoru.) Shinji took this opportunity to prove he had cojones by placing his hand on Asuka's shoulder, so stunning the fiery German that she stopped and gawked at him, still unused to his proof of ownership of a spine.
"You're right, Kaoru. What would YOU like, then?"
"I would like for you and Asuka to stop fighting, first of all. In effect, I wish for world peace." He grinned, more to himself than anyone. World peace had never been THAT simple to attain before. "Secondly, I would like to point out that it doesn't matter where I would sleep, because as I am now, I do not require sleep, nor food, nor water. Indeed, I do not have to maintain this corporeal form, as I did when you knew me before. I can come and go as needed, or as I please." As he talked, he set that leather book on the table and opened it to the first page. Pulling a quill pen from seemingly nowhere, but more likely the folds of his robe, he carefully inscribed characters on the first line, characters both children were unfamiliar with.
"Uh, Kaoru, what's that you're writing?"
"My name, Shinji. In Hebrew. 'Adam.'"
"Oh… Why?"
"My next-of-kin cannot awake until I sign this book. Now, we wait. Who's up for a bath?"
At that moment, in a rundown concrete apartment across town, a girl with blue hair and red eyes awoke, surprised to be awake. She was surprised to be doing ANYTHING, actually, as memories poured into her head like Jell-O into a mold. She remembered things, her whole life as all three incarnations of Rei Ayanami, her role as the First Child, her fusion with Adam and Lilith, her part(s) in Third Impact, and Shinji's decision to return to this reality. She also knew, somehow, that she was now the avatar and vessel of the angel Lilith, and that she must go to Shinji. Why exactly this had to be was not clear to her, but Rei Ayanami was never one to question orders. She just obeyed them.
So. I am here because he is here. I must go speak to him. With that thought, she sat up and swung her legs down off the bed. Trying to stand, she gasped in pain as something sharp pierced her foot. Lifting her heel to examine it, she saw the shard of glass in her foot, saw the red-orange blood the wound oozed. Picking the shard out without another sound, she watched, fascinated, as the wound closed itself over, the blood seeping back into her foot as though it had never been there. Interesting. I suppose this is a side effect of being One with Lilith.
Looking down to see what she had stepped on, a wave of fresh memories hit her. She had stepped on His glasses. Her Creator. Her…Father. That would make Ikari-kun my…brother. She smiled faintly at the concept, finding it agreeable. Standing up, careful not to step on the ruined glasses again, she was halfway to the door before she realized that she was nude. This was no fit state for her to go to Ikari-kun in, despite what he had seen and done before. Throwing on her school uniform, the only clothes she owned, in record time, she was out the door without even bothering to close up after herself.
I have never been in this big a hurry for anything. Why am I running? Do I want to see him this badly? She could run, oh yes. Rei had always kept fit, if only because her job as an Eva Pilot demanded it, but now she was glad she had kept herself trim and well-maintained. It made the marathon running to the Katsuragi residence that much easier on her. Even so, she was gasping by the time she reached the door, leaning against the frame as she pushed the doorbell.
pin-pom! The Children jumped as the doorbell went, and it was Kaoru who stepped calmly to the door and opened it, a slight smirk of amusement gracing his chalk-pale face. Shinji gulped, knowing this must be the next Angel reincarnated, and he wasn't sure he wanted to meet Sachiel again. His anxiety was mitigated, if not totally undone, by the sight of Ayanami stepping through the door. Flushed and out of breath, she looked like she'd just woken up.
Rei Ayanami's hair could never have been called "neat." "Cute," perhaps. "Shaggy," definitely. But not "neat." Right at the moment, however, it was several miles over the bed-head horizon and accelerating. It was matted in the back, and damp at the edges with sweat from her running. As she looked up from taking off her shoes, her face went through a complicated series of changes. It started with irritation, which was as close to hatred as Rei ever got, passed into confusion, and ended up as a smile of familiarity. Familiar with the person, not with her face. To a smile, her face was the restaraunt you only went to once or twice a year. The food was okay, the decor was pretty, but the service was substandard.
Kaoru smiled back at her, an unspoken understanding passing between them in an instant. Drops of Lilith's consciousness floated through Rei's mind, like fruit salad in the Jell-O of her mind. She knew, now, that Kaoru was an ally, was in a way as much a brother to her as Shinji was, and that there were great designs in the works. Stepping into the house proper, Rei turned the smile on Shinji, who was trying to decide whether to be afraid, confused, relieved, or D: all of the above.
"H- Hi, Rei. I see you're okay. Are you the next Angel that Kaoru told us about?"
"I am. Although I do not fully understand it, I know that Lilith is a part of me now, more than she was before. I know other things, too. Too many things to speak of all at once." Her voice became more emotional, and started approaching a normal volume. Apparently she was getting over the Neverending Funeral mode of being, and becoming more human even as she became more Angelic. "There's something else, Shinji. About us, and about ou-, your father."
Shinji wasn't too tired, weirded out, or stupid to miss this slip of the tongue. Asuka had been standing quietly, trying desperately to keep up with the whole situation, but was losing ground fast. One thing she DID know, however, is that Wondergirl was NOT gonna take him from her. Mein Gott! Did I just think that? Do I really want him for myself like that? At the words "About us," she scowled and stepped forward one pace, only to find Kaoru standing between her and Rei, smiling and shaking his head. Asuka wasn't stupid enough to try and take on a known Angel barehanded, but it was a hard thing not to try and go through him anyway. Gritting her teeth, she held her peace and let the bluehaired bitch say what she had to say.
Shinji looked over at Asuka for a moment, dimly aware that something Rei said pissed her off. Turning back to Rei, he nodded, fighting to keep the trepidation out of his voice. "Oh, okay. Well, why don't we all go into the living room and talk this through?" So saying, he looked at Asuka, mouthing at her the word, "What?" before stepping into the main room of the house and settling down on one of the pillows surrounding the low table in there.
With a shrug, the two Angels followed him, leaving only Asuka in the kitchen, still quietly fuming. Why was he being so accepting of all this? They were Angels! The enemy! And what in the hell did Rei want with Shinji that involved the word "us?" Her raging reverie was broken by a surprised outburst from Shinji...
"You're my WHAT?!"
"Sister. At least, in a manner of speaking. I was created by our father, Gendo Ikari, from the genetic material of our mother, Yui, and the genetic material of the Angel, Lilith. Kaoru here was similarly engineered, although his origins are his to tell. As far as you and I are concerned, we are like half-siblings, since I do not share any genes with our father."
"But Rei, what about all the rest of your...um, spares?"
"The Chamber of Guf was destroyed, as were all the backup copies of myself. I am whole, now, with all the memories of my incarnations, including the memories of Third Impact. You did a brave thing, big brother, in wishing for the world you knew before. I wanted to thank you. You gave me another chance to be human, to be real."
Shinji didn't know what to say to this, except, "Uh... Sure." His SISTER... He had a sister. Wow. This changes EVERYTHING.
Asuka stood in the doorway, completely floored. Wondergirl was a clone? And his sister, no less? What the hell? She finally stepped into the room, looking rather dazed, and sat down next to Shinji. Rei nodded to her politely, she was aware of Asuka's feelings for Shinji, conflicted as they were. She would have to have a talk with Asuka alone, later. Kaoru was playing quiet mouse again, watching the exchange with that everpresent grin on his face. One of the real perks of this assignment was the chance to indulge in his favorite hobby, people watching.
"Hey, First Child, uh, Ayanami..."
"Call me Rei, Pilot Sohryu."
"Then you call me Asuka, got it?" She grinned at Rei, glad to be able to turn off her bitch switch around the other girl. She had a spooky feeling she knew who the bigger bitch could be, if it came right down to it.
"Got it. Now, what did you want to say?" Rei smiled back, getting used to the feeling, and glad on her part that she wouldn't have to put a dent in Asuka's ass. Heaven knew that it was barely there to begin with, there was no sense in getting into imaginary numbers when trying to describe it.
"Just that I'm glad you were with us on those missions, and I'm glad you're okay now, and I'm glad for BOTH of you that you have someone to call family." She said this last part with a bit of a downturn to her voice. She'd been alone most of her life, but that didn't mean she'd liked it. Indeed, after having found and then lost her mother again so quickly, she felt a distinct need for a connection with SOMEBODY. Seeing Shinji and Wond-... Rei like this stung a little. On the other hand, she could connect with Shinji, he was slowly shaping up to be a halfway decent prospect for a boyfriend. He could cook, after all, and it wasn't everyday you found a guy who could do that AND be counted on (most of the time) to save your life. Such strange thoughts, I wonder if I'm going crazy again...Oh, mama, what am I to do?
All this transpired in the blink of an eye or six. The only reason it wasn't eight was the fact that Asuka hadn't blinked in almost half a minute, gazing vaguely at the wall behind Rei and Shinji, as though it held the answers she sought. Finally, she blinked as she realized the room had fallen silent, all eyes on her. "What are you bakas staring at?"
Shinji looked at his hands, becoming quickly fascinated with the state of his cuticles. "Um..nothing. You just got real quiet. I was wondering if you were alright. You sounded kind of sad there at the end."
Kaoru and Rei just exchanged glances, as if to say, "Humans..." Asuka looked at Shinji, feeling that weird warmth again. He was worried for her, the sweet idiot. She'd have to let him know soon how she felt, this couldn't go on. It was driving her nuts, holding her feelings back about him. Sighing, she looked away and muttered, "I'm fine, Shinji. Really. Don't worry about me."
Shinji looked at her some more, wanting to go hug her, but reasonably certain it'd earn him, at the very least, a slap in the face. Sighing, he looked at the clock and realized it was well past dinnertime. He wasn't especially hungry, but it wouldn't do to break routine. "Um, Asuka? What do you want for dinner?"
"Dinner? Uh, I don't know. Who's turn is it to cook, and do we have enough for four people?"
Kaoru grinned, how quickly they forget. "You forget, Miss Sohryu, that I do not require food. Neither, in the strictest sense, does Rei, because we both posess S^2 organs. She may still eat, if only through force of habit or to be sociable, but I do not feel any such compunctions."
"Neither do I, Adam. However, I am rather parched after my run. If I could trouble one of you for something to drink, it would be appreciated."
Shinji hops up quickly, and goes to the kitchen. Poking his head out, he hollers, "Does anyone else want something to drink?"
"I'd like some coffee, Shinji, if it's not too much trouble," Asuka said, as Kaoru just shook his head mutely. Nodding, Shinji disappeared into the kitchen, humming something to himself. He took rather a long time for just getting coffee and water, but no one felt much like going in there after him. Presently, he came out with a can of green tea of his own, as well as ice water for Rei and steaming coffee for Asuka. "Here you go, Asuka."
"Thank you, Shinji. What were you DOING in there?"
"Oh, just setting dinner to cooking. Nothing complicated or fancy. Just ramen."
"Ah. I see." Sipping her coffee, she is surprised to find it made precisely to her liking, three sugars. Looking at Shinji over the rim of her mug, she hides a smile behind the ceramic wall in her hands. You sweet thing. When these dolls are gone, we need to have a talk.
No sooner had she thought that then Kaoru stood silently and bowed to them all in turn. "Good night, everyone. I will take my leave at this point. Enjoy the rest of the evening, I am sure you have much to discuss." As he turned to gather his book off the kitchen table, Shinji reached out and grabbed his hand.
"Will we see you again, Kaoru?"
Kaoru couldn't help but smile at the imploring expression on his face. He really was so charming sometimes. A pity he was destined for that...girl. "Of course, Shinji. You will see me again, soon. Lilith, please come and sign the Book before I go."
Rei nodded and stood, taking her water with her. "I should excuse myself as well, my apartment is rather disheveled right now, I must go straighten it. Goodnight, Asuka. Goodnight, Shinji." Finishing off her water and putting it in the sink, she stopped by Kaoru and murmured as she signed the Book. "They are so fragile, do you think they have the strength to survive this?"
Kaoru looked at her, a little surprised. "You should know, Lilith. You inhabit one of them. Remember, Rei will have her Designates just as the other Children. Your role will largely be to provide information from here on out. Sit back and enjoy being human. I always did." With a grin, he closed the Book and nodded to Rei, having the courtesy to step outside before disappearing in a flash of green light. Rei shook her head quietly and stepped outside after getting her shoes, closing the door behind her. Turning to look at the moon and the Red Ring, she smiled to herself and walked off into the darkness.
Asuka and Shinji just stared in the general direction of the hallway. "That was unexpected. I wonder why they left in such a hurry?"
"Beats me, Shinji. Let's go check on dinner, ramen noodles don't take THAT long to cook."
As they sat down to dinner, Asuka kept looking sidelong at Shinji. She wanted to talk to him, but couldn't figure out how to start the conversation. Shinji was in no rush to finish dinner, but he was dimly aware of Asuka staring at him now and again. Finally, he looked at her as she picked at her noodles and opened his mouth, about to unleash a flood of emotions and words that would change his reality forever.
"Um, Asuka? What's the matter?"
She looked up at him and suddenly burst into tears, unable to hold back anything more. Shinji looked shocked, but moved to her side almost immediately, kneeling beside her as though he could peek under her curtain of red hair. Placing a hand on her arm, he waited for the hellstorm of sobbing to clear enough for her to form actual words. Finally, she calmed down enough to choke out a coherent sentence...
"It's just, *sniff* since we came back from Third Impact, you've been so kind to me, and I've been having new feelings about you, and I can't stop thinking about you. *sniff* I like you, Shinji, but I'm afraid. I've lost everything of value in my life, I have no reason left to live, except for you. I didn't realize it until just tonight, I got jealous of Rei when she said she had something to say about you two. I wanted to try and keep you all to myself. Help me, Shinji. What do I do?!"
Needless to say, Shinji was totally flabbergasted. He recovered well, though, letting the revelation of her feelings for him not overwhelm him. He wasn't much good at comforting and advice, but he knew that song of desperation, he'd sung it himself on more than one occasion. Putting an arm around her gently, he gave her a gentle hug, trying to calm her down. "I had no idea, Asuka. I'm glad you told me. I've liked you for a while, but you were always so hard to approach, and I never thought you'd return my feelings. Please calm down, it's going to be alright. Something Kaoru taught me, he said that you can't be afraid of interacting with other people, even if you run the risk of being hurt. I used to be afraid like this, thinking my life hung by a thread. But there was always something there, something I was holding on for. I didn't know it at the time, but it was you. Because we have each other, it's going to be okay."
This was a marathon speech for Shinji, and he wondered what sort of demented Ann Landers-style memories he had pulled those words from. Instrumentality could be a damn useful thing sometimes. Asuka's sobs slowed and eventually stopped, as a swell of joy started rising in her chest as he spilled his guts to her. Looking up at him with wide, terrified eyes, she searched his face for any sign that he was lying, or just saying this to chill her out. What she saw nearly stopped her heart. He was looking at her with genuine concern, a small smile on his lips at seeing her stop crying. This, of course, threw her to the other side of the pendulum's swing, and she burst into tears again, practically throwing herself at him in a hug.
Whatever Shinji was expecting, it wasn't this. With a surprised yelp, he intercepted ninety-five pounds of hysterical redhead at Mach 5. At least, that's what it felt like. Trying not to fall, he instinctively put his arms around her and braced against the floor, trying to maintain his balance as she buried her face in his shoulder. With a mental sigh, he stood there and let her cry herself out. Finally, she sagged into his arms, emotionally and physically exhausted.
"Shinji... help me to bed?"
Nodding mutely, he helped her stumble back into the living room and into her room, helping her into bed and tucking her in. Something about the moment demanded tenderness, and he delivered, giving her a gentle pat on the hand before standing and walking out.
"Shinji?"
"Hm?"
"...Goodnight."
"Goodnight, Asuka. Sweet dreams."
He closed the door slowly, a smile on his face as he went back to his room and lay down, not feeling like getting out the futon tonight. Closing his eyes, sleep came on swift wings to Shinji Ikari, a boy who was loved.
